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| Thank you for taking the time to visit my world - my life journey in words. I invite you to follow along with me as I life each day fully, with no pretentions. What you will find here is a sharing of my innermost thoughts, my happiness, my frustrations, my sadness, my fears, my oddities, and, so much more. I am quite happy with who and what I am, as my life is ever so blessed. Like all of us, I have many different sides. I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone, not in the slightest. While I am not everyone's cup of tea, common courtesy and respect is expected, not only to myself, but also all others who may share their views/experiences on my page. There is no tolerance for judgments or drama here - the practice of FUCKTARDISM is strongly prohibited. As the saying goes, "Misery Luves Company". If this is YOU, please take your circus elsewhere, as I only allow good, healthy stuff into my life.  |
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Trip To ER ...
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Posted:Apr 17, 2017 8:02 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2017 7:09 pm
8766 Views
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Had a breakout of my Auto Immune Disease out of nowhere. Within 2 days, I had a high fever and severe infection, the same place I had surgery at towards the end of last year ...
Off to ER I go. Antibiotics stopped working quite awhile ago, and only cause side effects now, so they aren't really a viable option. For almost 20 years, I have been dealing with this, with numerous surgeries. It never gets any easier having to get cut open. It's even worse when it's not scheduled and I have to ER ...
Due to no preadmission testing, the docs couldn't take the chance of putting me totally out. Some of the supplements, plus, my piercings, and the normal no food or drink stuff. Due to "life happens", I didn't have anyone there with me. While I waited, for what seemed like fucking forever, for the docs to decide what to do, I amused myself by playing games on my tablet, trying to keep up my spirits, not show that I was sacred to death. Finally, I broke down into a panic attack while texting away frantically ...
Back in they come - nitrous. This wasn't even close to being anywhere near a good situation. The toxins were invading my bloodstream - at a rapid pace. After being up hooked up to all the monitors, the girl held the nitrous mask over my face. Totally conscious of everything, in goes the big long needle for numbing, my screams deafening. They give it bout 10 minutes for it to take effect - or not. Meanwhile, the whole time, I'm sucking up the gas. Talking me thru, they make an incision. Then another one. Then another one. Felt them "open" my skin - this was not pleasant. She asks how I am doing. Guess my "FUCK YOU" answered that question. I get a breather, then scraping out of the poison, multiple times. Tons of blood seeping out of my wound. I'm not opposed to my own blood - just prefer it when it's a good ouchie. She keeps telling me that I'm doing fine, just keep breathing in the nitrous. There was so much bad stuff, she had to dig deeper. "I FUCKING HATE YOU BIATCH". On the verge of passing out, they had to stop again, reminding me to keep breathing. They kept asking my name - guess to make sure I was still fairly alert. Then, back to scraping and pulling my skin apart. After bout 45 minutes, the procedure is finally done. Now, she has to pack it. Another "FUCK YOU", as she shoves the packing deep into my incision. Next, they clean up the bad blood, bandage me up. I'm on nitrous for bout another 15 minutes. Now the flow of flow of oxygen. Returning a bit later, I can get dressed, they are do my discharge paperwork. Onto to CVS to pick up my meds, I park and wait. And, puke. Several times ...
The next morning when I woke up, there was this slimy "wet" feeling. The bandage blood covered. My niteshirt and the bed sheets stained. Back to ER I go. I'm allergic to regular tape, so they use paper tape, which I still have a reaction too. So, yeah, causes me a nasty rash. After cleaning up my wound and re-bandaging me, back home I go. By this point, I have 2 days worth of hospital smell on me, and would kill to get a fucking shower and wash my hair, which is still off limits. And, apparently, I am pretty fucking cranky ...
The next day I continued to be drugged up on Vicodin, and, getting my appetite back a little. By that nite, I felt like a total skank. I haven't seen water for way longer that I am used to. On day 4, back to ER I went for a wound check. They took the packing out - put a bandage back on. They told me that I could shower - THANK FUCKING GAWD. It hurt like a mother fucker, once again, getting the bandage off. My skin as already sore and tender. And, the pulling out of the packing wasn't exactly fun. 45 minutes in the shower, letting the water flow over me. Washing my body - several times - my hair - several times. I just can't comprehend how some people are ALLERGIC to being clean ...
Had a follow up with my regular surgeon for a follow up. He talked again of the skin graphing thingy if we have to keep cutting in the same places. Definitely not fond of that idea - not at all. I'm healing, adding another character scar add to my life. I still continue to remain in good spirits for some kind of relief from my Auto Immune issue. Hope only stops when you give up on it, and, and I'm far from that ...
One day at a time ... keeping a positive mindset can make all the difference in the world ...
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Pieces Of My Mom ...
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Posted:Mar 26, 2017 9:01 pm
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2017 8:20 pm
8090 Views
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My mom was so accepting of my choice to lead an ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE. My choice to be involved in a POLYAMOUS MARRIAGE. And, participate in BDSM. The BDSM isn't a choice, it's part of who I am. Being a submissive is part of my chemical makeup. This couldn't have been easy for her - being in the same house as a play party. Or, knowing that her daughters hubby was sleeping with another woman. Altho this wouldn't have been HER choice for me, she was supportive of MY choice to live life in a non-traditional way. She RESPECTED that I am DIFFERENT ...
After a year and half, I am still going thru some of my moms things, little by little. Each time I pick up an item, a visualization of where she kept it before she moved in crosses my mind. It's like I can hear her - DON'T DROP THAT - THAT THING IS SO OLD GIVE RID OF IT ... things like this. Like these gawd awful set of cat figures - LOL ... or, her old Frank Sinatra albums ...
Miss her oodles everyday of my life. Each day, I greet my doggie and my mom with a "good morning" as I wake up my hubby with coffee. Part of my ritual to start the day. Such a surreal feeling ...
She luved my chosen family and friends as if there were her . No doubt in my mind that she wished her was more like one of my guy friends - tho I digress ...
Recently, I gifted several items to some of the girls in my life. Her bed , which she hadn't sleep on in forever, to my D/s sister, "B", for one of her extra bedrooms. Her eyes are probably burning at the things that are happening on that bed ... LOL ... to my D/s sister, "M", an old time desk. I know she likes this idea. To my D/s Mommy, a sewing table, complete with the machine which sits inside the table in a little cutout. This she absolutely luves - this was one of her favorite possessions ...
Knowing that there are traces of my mom amongst the places that I visit regularly - just another reminder of her. While her physical body has faded away, her spirit and lite are still present ... forevermore ...
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Clutz Calendar ... :)
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Posted:Jan 7, 2017 8:26 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2017 4:11 am
8391 Views
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I'm a walking clutz on wheels. Pretty much an accident waiting to happen ...
My biggest 2016 four "oppsie" moments were:
1. Spilled HOT coffee on my tummy when the crappy paper cup slipped out of my hand - LOL ... rite thru my nite shirt and left a huge discoloration for quite awhile ...
2. Fractured my left knee cap when I took a header over the terror dogs gate at work ... LOL ... took a few months to heal. Tho, it was interesting to see how the bruise changed color. Black and blue, purple, green and yellow. Shades of when I broke my ankle on a handicapped ramp. Of which neither the ramp nor me were moving ...
3. On campus tripped over my flip flops and one went flying soaring thru the air ... LOL ... down I went, then gravity got hold of my flip flop and back down it came. Headed for the bathroom - my fav jeans got ripped rite across the knee. And, the was bad blood. The scab healed in a tiny little heart. This is actually pretty kewl ...
4. Cutting the cellophane off of flowers - LOL ... rite into the palm of my hand. Not fond of bad blood ...
This year, I decided to actually keep a record of all my "oopsie" moments. Just a week into 2017 - 3 already - LOL ...
1. January 1st, approximately 8 am ... I tripped with my bowl of chipped beef. Was so fucking pissed! Scrubbing the kitchen floor wasn't exactly on my agenda for the day - neither was cleaning the walls. Oh rite - my less than 1 year old $1,500 laptop got some goo on the mouse pad thingy - LOL ... still works ...
2. January 7, approximately 2 pm ... ventured out in the storm and did some shopping,. Into the door I came, bags in one hand, an Aunt Annie's lemonade in the other. Put my purse down - again with those paper cups, it tipped over. I hope the table and floor enjoyed it ... LOL ... cause I sure didn't ...
3. January 7, approximately 9:30 pm ... while carrying a laundry hamper, I stepped onto the first step back upstairs. My hand got caught between the hamper and the steps ... LOL ... my first injury mark of the year. A little blood too ...
Thinking bout setting up a pool to see who can guess how many moments where being encased in a plastic bubble would have been helpful. Yeah, I am a HOT FUCKING MESS ...
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Flashbacks ... Brady Bunch ... :)
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Posted:Dec 14, 2016 8:14 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2016 1:41 pm
9395 Views
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Not a sports kind of girl at all. Tho, I will indulge my pint-size companions and their friends when asked ...
It's all bout football since the season started. While I do know some of the terms, the only thing that really interests me bout it ... a man in a uniform - pure and simple. Period ...
When two 9 year old boys ask you to play football with them - give you "that look" - yeah ... how could I possible resist ... despite the fact that I am a walking klutz on wheels - LOL ... case in point: fractured my kneecap back in like May - dam terror and his fucking gate. Yeah, trying to stay as accident free and possible ...
When they first initiated me into playing quarterback, it was pretty dam ugly. Since then, in their infinite wisdom, they gave me lessons on how to grip and throw the football. Getting better each time ... but it's not likely that I will be giving up my job for a new career ...
Now, catching the ball, this we haven't got past yet. When I see it flying towards my face ... flashbacks of the moment that Peter and Bobby threw the football - Marcia yelling, "OH, MY NOSE" ... LOL ... way too funny!!! So, yeah, no plans on actually trying to catch ...
Just watched the video of that scene on youtube - totally laffed out loud ...
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Exploring Alternative Medicine ...
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Posted:Dec 13, 2016 8:17 pm
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2016 2:31 pm
8837 Views
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My body's ability to fight off my Auto Immune Disease is pretty much done. In my case, there is no specific organ that it being attacked ... it's my entire system. And, what I have isn't one of those most people have heard of, as it's VERY RARE. It's been over 2 months that I am still in the midst of a severe breakout. Antibiotics are only working at 60% - if that - including the new one that I am on. There are only 2 meds out there stronger that my current one for fighting off infection ... this isn't good. The poison is continually circulating thru me, like it's caught in a maze, always looking for an "escape route"...
The only options in medicine as most people know it are draining and surgery. Neither come even close to remotely cleansing my body. Both are nothing more than "bandaids". As horrible as the procedures are, and the scars it leaves, the bad pain my boo-boos cause is excruciating. There are days where I can't wash my own hair - days where I can't reach up to get a dish from the cabinet. Days where wearing clothes is intolerable - days where I want to get a machete and dig out the toxins. Days where I would sell my soul to the devil for IMMEDIATE FUCKING GRATIFICTION ...
Apparently, there is no modern medicine cure. Tho, after a fair amount of research, there are experimental options available, as well as holistic methods. I sought out a internal doctor of modern medicine who incorporates alternative medicine. The thingy is that medical insurance covers nothing with regard anything they deem "out of the norm" ...
"Autoimmune Therapy" ... a mega-boost of vitamins/nutrients given thru an IV. The process takes an hour to complete in a series of 6, which my doc wants to me start as soon as possible and we can go from there. Then, he mentioned the cost ... 250 bucks for each injection = 1500 bucks. And, I mite need several sets of 6. Yeah, it's not exactly a cheap treatment, but an absolute necessary one. Add in supplements and special blood work, all out of pocket ...
It's just going to take time to figure out how to make all of this happen - remembering to breathe. In my life, I have survived a lot of bad stuff, and this dam dreaded disease won't be any different. Getting a lot of support and continuing to do research, so that I can be informed. I refuse to let it take my spirit away. I am the forever eternal optimist ... keeping hopeful and positive ...
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My Doggie & Her Bad Ouchie ...
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Posted:Dec 3, 2016 8:42 pm
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2016 4:18 pm
9346 Views
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At the beginning of November, when my and the hubby returned from our trip to the "Bible Belt", the first thing we did was pick up our doggie at the kennel. Rite before she went in, she had a physical, r-xays and stuff, which added up to a pretty penny. She has been going here for most of her life - she's 16. Aside from a heart murmur, which the vet said not to worry too much bout, her blood work that of a 10 year old dog. For being up there in years, her health was really good ...
We spend almost 2K for her "vacation". Her shots for kenneling - doggie day care - extra walks - play time on the weekends. The day after we picked her up, noticed one of her back paws was swollen. Back to the vet she goes and not very happy bout it. When we pulled in, her teeth started to chatter, and she was shaking. Probably was thinking the last time you took me here, you didn't come back for 10 days. This was the first time she was kenneled in a long time. Just don't like doing this to her, tho, we couldn't take her and no one was available to stay with her ...
They look at her paw and told is was some kind of infection in between the one nail and on the bottom of the bed, it had a little sore. Maybe from the grass. Not too specific. I get it, sometimes, you just can't pin down a cause. Time for laser therapy treatment - 6 visits - another 600 bucks or so. When this was completed, they said her paw looked good and she was okies. Bout a week later, not only was her paw still a little swollen, the nail was growing up. Back to the vet we go ...
When they lifted up her paw and looked on the bottom, the sore was now a small hole. The vet said she had a tumor on the one nail bed and the whole toe had to be removed immediately. My first thought - are we going to be able to afford the surgery - broke out into tears. Weighting out her age, her heart murmur, and the cost of 1200 bucks, we opted for her to have the surgery ...
From an slight infection to a tumor is one month's time - crazy stuff. Guess it was just one of those things. Of course, we don't think they gave her anything but the best of care. Just an ironic timing thingy. They wound up only charging us 600 - probably for the laser therapy treatment that she didn't need - in hindsite ...
Her surgery was this past Tuesday and they kept her till early Wednesday evening for observation and to change her bandages. They were amazed at how well she handled the whole ordeal, considering her age. When she finally came home, she was still disoriented and hadn't eaten anything since the nite before her operation. Other than the fluids they gave her in an IV, she hadn't drank. Humans and animals can go without food for a long time, but not drinking isn't good = hydration. I feed her water thru a straw for 2 days - she ate a few stray treats ...
Her bandage can't get wet, so we have to put this iv bag on her paw anytime she goes out. She doesn't like it or wearing a head collar - not at all. She's actually walking pretty good with the bandage on ...
Tonite, for the first time since Monday, she ate something more than a treat here and there. Of course, she refused to eat out of her bowl = I hand fed her some chicken. And, she's been drinking on her own ...
The body weight breaks down to 30% on each front paw - 20% on each back paw. Then, it gets divided by how many toes. So, the toe that she had removed counts as bout 5% to 7% of her body weight ... she only weight bout 50 pounds. In the grand scheme of things, that not a lot for her other back toes to pick up the slack on ...
Next week, her bandages come off and they will check her healing progress. Hopefully, she's well enuf to have those nasty bandages come off. As of now, she is doing fabo - huge chance she mite not need rehab. All she knows is that she's home with her parental units, back to getting lots of luv and attention. Keeping the faith that her recovery continues in such a positive manner ...
12-8-16 ... my 4 legged got her stitches out today - YAY!! She's doing amazing and is back to eating and drinking on her own. Monday, her bandages come off ... so stoked!!
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Happy Gooble Day! :)
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Posted:Nov 24, 2016 5:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2016 4:20 pm
8949 Views
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Today is a day in which to be thankful for people and things in your life - a beautiful and blessed day to all ...
Some of the things I am thankful for this year, not in any particular order:
*Amazing family & friends in my life, including my pseudo family ...
*Sadists ...
*Coloring books, markers, gel pens, & crayons & colored pencils ...
*Fingerless gloves ...
*Amazon ...
*420 edibles ...
*Holistic healers/alternative medicine ...
*My Personal Trainer ...
*Silicone Bakeware
*My new frig & mic ...
*Eye bleach ...
*Google ...
*Emoticons
*Sex stores ...
*I-POD ...
*Pay by the pound Goodwill Outlet stores ...
*Pig tails ...
What are some of the things you are grateful for?
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Miss You, Mom ...
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Posted:Nov 18, 2016 8:30 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2016 3:07 pm
9700 Views
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Today is the one year anniversary of my moms death. While I did cry a bit, I mostly smiled while remembering the good stuff ... and knowing she isn't in bad pain anymore ...
Where she is now, an oxygen tank isn't part of her world. She is able to walk freely to the garden and plant. Sit on the deck and breathe in the fresh air. Go to Shop-Rite on her own. Yeah, pretty sure she luves this the most ... LOL ... not sure why she dreaded me tagging along ...
Recalled she showing me how to thread the string back in a hoodie with a safety pin. She had no idea how klutzy I was - shocked when I stuck myself on the pointy part = LOL ... me, I just was like, "oopsie" and went bout my stuff ...
Her hated of the dishwasher - LOL - way too funny! I managed to convince her that when company was over to use it. And, she has lived forever without a microwave ... she luved it!!
The thing that stands out is how my accepting my mom was of my lifestyle. Moving in with one's 420 friendly, kinky and poly couldn't have been easy for her. It really went against everything she was taught growing up - that Catholic upbringing. Tho, I do digress ...
How she make sure my clothes where in order when I had a date - tags on my stuff were pushed in - straightening my dress. And, on the weekends where my D/s Mommy was over, the 3 of us would sit at the kitchen table with coffee and our electronics, gabbing away. She opened her heart to all our D/s family and friends. To my D/s sisters and treated them like her own daughters. Nothing was sacred - LOL - that was the thingy ... she didn't want me to change my life behavior for her ... she wanted me to be happy. I remember when I first suggested she meet my D/s Mommy, who is my hubbys girlfriend. There was no way that I could have prepared for her reaction to this: "well, I have to meet her sometimes, why not now?!" Thinking back to their first meeting, my mom immediately started to cry - then my D/s Mommy - then me. It really did have an emotional tug to it. The day my mom agreed to move in changed her life forever. Despite my untraditional way of living my personal life, she make sure everyone knew how much she enjoyed being here ...
So, as the day closes out, I am left thinking all happy thoughts of my mom - of the time she called my home hers. Forever blessed I am to have had such an amazing relationship with her ...
I know she is watching over me. At times, in total disbelief at my activities ... LOL ... yet, she knows that I am doing what makes me happy. This is what she wanted for me ...
Miss you mom ... heart you bunches ...
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Holy Fuck - Made It To 49 ...
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Posted:Nov 10, 2016 10:13 pm
Last Updated:Nov 15, 2016 5:00 am
10371 Views
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On Sunday, I will celebrate my 49th birthday. I had no intentions of making it past my 20th birthday. Tho, for some reason, the Universe decided that I still had lots of work in this lifetime ...
I had been thru a lot in my early years - as far back as I can remember. Each time, I would mentally disassociate my soul from my physical body a little more. Finally, I got to the point in which I was able to release my soul out of my physical body. My soul just floated there, looking down at my physical body. Afterwards, when it was safe, my soul flew back into me ..
There was an incident when I was 19. It was so horrible that it took longer than usual for my soul to return to my physical body. Not long after, I made the conscious decision to leave this world. My physical body turning to ashes - soaring thru the Universe as the wind kicked up. My soul turning into a butterfly - leisurely flying thru the skies ...
My plan was perfect and would be executed to a tee - went over it in my mind a million times. Made preparations - made peace with myself and my life. And, my plan was absolutely carried out with no flaws. Except this one: "DIVINE INTERVENTION". That bout sums it up ...
I just went bout life after that, not really living, just existing, for many years. I did the normal day to day stuff, worked, but I was just going thru the motions. Got married, but it wasn't anywhere near a good marriage. He was very mentally abusive. Telling me how stupid I am, not believing in my learning disorders. He would always put me down - make me feel like shit. You know the type ... "no one else will want you". He also suffered some severe health issues out of nowhere and ended up in a coma for weeks. The docs told me that I was going to be a widow. He made a complete recovery as I helped nurse him back to health. Except for his crappy attitude. My moms health failing - my brother slowly killing himself with Heroin ...
This went on for years - getting arrested. Living in filth. He thought he had my mom fooled - she knew. She just choose not to see it. Me, on the other hand, I called him on it every time. When his junkie girlfriend killed herself, I refused to go the service. The worst thing he ever said to me, and there was a lot of fucked up things. "I can't believe you won't go - how could you betray me like this". My mom and I took this little fucking cunt bitch in - gave her food - bought her clothes. And, in return, she show up for dinner all drugged out. Not even conscious enuf to sit thru dinner = her head ended up in her plate - several times. And, killed herself from an overdose in my moms old apartment, my room when I visited. That's what we got in return for treating her with kindness. And, I betrayed him?! ...
When I was 39, I attended a New Years Day Party at my cousin's. I knew my brother would be there, and, it took everything in me to go. As usual, my hubby wasn't supportive. As usual, all he did was make things worse. I did my best not to have any contact with him. Everyone picked up on this. When he asked me to drive him to the train station. I did this - not for him - for my mom. It was only bout 20 minutes away, tho, seemed like eons away. Silence - dead fucking silence. Then, he spoke up and asked me to please drive him home. He begged me. There was no way that I could possibly be in confined quarters with him for that long. I luved him - tho I actually hated him more than I could possibly put into words. Our relationship was toxic - for numerous reasons. I flat out told him no fucking way, that train station was a far as I was taking him. When he got out, the last thing I said to him was this: "My marriage is falling apart and your drugged out messages aren't helping. Had enuf of you. Of your lies. Of your stealing. Of the way you manupulate mom. I had enuf and I am fucking done. Don't call me - don't write me. As far as I am concerned, you are dead to me until such time as you clean the fuck up. I mean it - I will call the cops and have you arrested for harassment if you try to contact me. Now get the fuck out of my car" ...
A bit over a month passed when I got the call. The inevitable happened - it just was a matter of time. He overdosed and my mom found him slumped over the bathtub with a needle sticking out of his arm. My mom was devastated. In her words, "regardless of why, a mother should never bury their ". A few days before it was time to clean out his house, I really did some soul searching. Here I was 39, not really happy, more often then not abused, sad. I had to change this - there was a reason why the "Powers-That-Be" saved my life. I had to find it before it was too late ...
When it was time to clean out his house and we were getting ready to leave to go there, my hubby started a fight. I told him that I would be there as long as it took - as long as my mom needed me. Then I just blurted out it out, "you know what, I'm not coming home. I want a divorce and I walked out ...
I had to call the cops in order to get back on the property to retrieve my things.Within days, he had thrown out most of my stuff. Even my dads ashes.I ended up with nearly nothing in the material sense - tho I had my sanity and a new outlook on life ...
So, at 39, I started a new chapter in my life and "re-invented" myself. Letting go of all that I knew. Giving up the office cubby for working with . Going back to skool even tho I was fucking sacred to death!! Started a new, healthy relationship and married him ...
Here I am - just a few days before the start of my 49th year. It tool a lot of hard work and looking into my inner self. I am now and will forever be a work in process ... and pretty much a walking miracle. I am fortunate to have been given a second chance. These days, I am living a beautiful life, with slim to nil considerations. And, am ever so blessed ...
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Survived The South ... :)
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Posted:Nov 6, 2016 8:41 pm
Last Updated:Nov 7, 2016 3:50 pm
9456 Views
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Packed up our new addition, a 2016 Jeep, and jetted off on a road trip. Spend the last week vacationing in the "Bible Belt". Some days Philly never looked so good ...
*Saw some of the hubbys cousins in NC. Driving up a dirt road - a long one. Insisting this was NOT where we were supposed to me. Uumm - yeah - it was ...this was acutally a driveway. No wonder why my hubby doesn't listen to my directional advice - LOL ... This was rather interesting - the living on a farm type of thingy - growing all your own veggies. The most fascinating piece of info for me was one of the families has a mule. Still processing that piece of info. Oh, rite, one of the cousins is a preacher. One thing that really struck me as weird, well, maybe weird isn't the rite word. Maybe more like I was uber surprised how in the midst of conversation, "we don't believe in abortion, nor do we support gays/lesbians" ... Uuumm - that's no secret - just saying. It was just that it came out of nowhere, inserted between the thrift store conversation and the dollar store one. I guess that transsexuals/transgenders aren't so much on their list of likes either. Apparently, there is no tolerance for things outside of some people's comfort zone. No one is asking them to have them over for dinner, tho, common courtesy to other human beings would be nice. I can't help but think if one of their family members turned out to be not up to their "specifications" - would they actually treat them so meanly. If they knew of our lifestyle, knowing that we kinky, polyamorous, and have people in our lives of all different nationalities, races and "genders" ... have to wonder if they would "shown us the door". And, the religious thing ... COVERING up SEXUAL ABUSE in the CHURCH - that's apparently more acceptable than being a spiritual being such as myself - or an atheist such as my hubby. Guess we are going to the depths of hell ...
*Went to the cemetery to visit some of my hubbys peeps that have passed on. A few of them were somewhat famous. The oddest thing - this cemetery was like on a road out in the middle of nowhere. No gates or anything - almost like it wasn't even a final resting place. Not that gates keep crime out - oh wait - that wasn't Philly ...
*Onto to Georgia to see the hubbys parents, blessed with such amazing in-laws. My MIL feed us each day like tomorrow wasn't going to come ... LOL ... I learned a few new recipes = totally kewl! Turned her into a thrift store junkie (sounds better as thrift store - just can't refer to my MIL in that way! Saw the movie "Sullie" (spelling?). Talked my MIL into coloring with me ... not so much her thingy - LOL ... she's a good soul! The hubby took his new jeep to the mountains with his dad and brother - I am sure I would have been holding onto the "Jesus handle" - I definitely drive better, for shizzle! His brothers 2 have autism - one is on a higher spectrum that the other. Both of the boys are doing really well and exceling in skool. One of them is getting ready to start looking into colleges. He isn't really emotionally geared and altho I have known him for bout 8 years or so, he rarely hugs me. Or, anyone for that matter. It was really touched when he kind of sort of hugged me - told me that he luved me. This was such a surreal and great moment in my life ...
*I packed up a slew of stuff and forgot one major item - a vibe. This totally fucked sucked. Yeah, apparently, sex stores in that part of the Universe aren't one of the in thingys - LOL - 7 days without my vibe ... that's the longest I have ever gone. And, it wasn't pleasant. Been home a day and half and always used my Hitachi (he's a gawd) twice ...
*My MIL was in tears as we pulled away. Texted almost rite away and said how she is already planning things for out next visit. This definitely made me cry ...
Overall, it was a great trip. Tho, I wouldn't be able to survive there for long. Nice to be back home!!!
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Done Like Burnt Toast ...
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Posted:Sep 26, 2016 8:15 pm
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2016 7:56 pm
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Again, I let him back in my life. Why? Cause I am a FUCKING IDIOT. Since May, back and forth. He fucks me over - makes up some stupid, crappy story. Yet, I keep justifying his actions, over and over. Well - my heart does. My mind has no doubt that he's a FUCKTARD ... they can't figure out how to share the same sandbox ...
I previously posted a blog "Doll On A Shelf". Sometimes, seeing things in writing helps me to process them. So hoped I would have the strength not to give in. Uuuumm, yeah ... didn't quite turn out like that ...
*Told my hubby that "K" and I were chatting again. "Well, if that's what you want do to. Personally, I think he's a SCUMBAG. Luv you, trixie" ... and he gave me a huge hug. No reason for him to freak - he already knew this person would NEVER follow thru on anything. As long as I am not in any impeding danger, mentally or physically, he prefers for me to see things for myself. Which, he knew would happen in my own time ...
*"K" wrote me. Really couldn't believe he would tell me such a thing. No - nix that. Of course, I could. Again, just denying it to myself. The next email - 2 words - 1 pic ... "GREAT MOUTH" ... and a pic of some SHANK ASS NASTY FUCKING SUCKING HIS COCK. He knew this would cut out my heart. Guess it makes his DICK HARD to continue to emotionally hurt me. Unless I ASK for a for a pic of you and another girl, this is NOT KEWL. Unless you ASK me if you can send me a pic of you and another girl and I say YES, this is NOT KEWL. *Note - as everyone is DIFFERENT, this is NOT KEWL WITH ME. For someone else it may be their thing - I RESPECT that. So, yeah, I EXPECT the same in return ...
*Ironically, I stopped by a friends blog and saw she has posted ... "SIGNS IT'S TIME TO LET GO". The timing was just perfect - or not. As I read, mentally checked off the boxes. Wish I could say I only checked a few - was more like MOST OF THEM - or perhaps ALL OF THEM. And, I had a good cry. Or 10. Just when I thought I was out of sad tears - that I couldn't possibly shed another one ... my brain just starting flashing those words - that pic. Even tho my heart was shredded into tiny minuscule pieces, I still wanted to make EXCUSES for him and for the way he treats me. Yet, I would NEVER treat someone this way - it's nice a very nice thing to do ...
*I went to my hubby in sad tears. "K" is a FUCKING SCUMBAG. My hubbys response: "what did he do this time". Before telling my hubby what happened, I made his promise not to say those words, "I TOLD YOU SO". I know it was hard for him not too - think it's human nature - like a reflex - in some situations. He didn't break his promise to me, just hugged me tight ... told me he luved me. Expressed that I wasn't sure if I was strong enuf to let it go. There was only one thing that would prevent me from reaching out to "K" - and I did it. Asked my hubby to please give me a DIRECT ORDER to NOT have any CONTACT with him. I have slim to nil restrictions placed on me. And, the ones that I do have are for my safety and well being. Never have I asked for a "rule" before. Despite the fact that I know this person is an ASSCLOWN - didn't stop the fear inside me that I would cave in - AGAIN. Feelings just don't turn on and off like a faucet. Well, at least not mine ...
*A few days passed and he didn't reach out to me. Mixed emotions. One part of me was relieved, that I wouldn't have to ignore someone that I cared bout. Tho, this left the other part of me wondering why he didn't even ask how I am. Not sure why this should surprise me from someone who thinks being out of contact with me for days and days, or even weeks is okies ...
*A few days passed - feeling a little emotionally stronger every day. Then, it happened. Waking up to this: "good morning, my beautiful pet" ... those words used to make me smile. This time, they make my heart go silent. As usual, he does something mean to me and then acts as if everything is okies. Yeah - why shouldn't he - it always is. Altho I question things, he always glosses over them. And, I let him do it, on a consistent basis. My inability to let him get away with that he does to me is not HIS fault - it's MINE. And, at that very moment, something clicked ...
*Not being able to have contact with him, my tiny fingers starting texting to my D/s Mommy and one of my D/s sisters. "YOU TREAT ME LIKE FUCKING SHIT - LIKE FUCKING GARBAGE. HAD ENUF - YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BREATHE IN THE SAME AIR AS ME. JUST WASHED YOU OF OUT OF LIFE FOR THE FINAL TIME". It doesn't even really matter that HE will never see or hear those words - I did it for ME. Felt so awesome to get back the space that he was sucking up inside me. More room now for all good and healthy stuff in my life ...
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Side Order Of SMOTHERING ...
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Posted:Sep 17, 2016 6:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2016 7:58 pm
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Yeah, had one of those with my onion rings and beer while out at a munch the other nite (social gathering for kinky peeps). I pretty much CHOKED on my side order ... and it wasn't pleasant ...
SOCIAL GATHERING = A NITE OF BEING SOCIAL - NOT A NITE OF CUTTING OFF MY FUCKING AIR SUPPLY ...
1. Looking over my shoulder when I texted my hubby = not kewl ...
2. Following me round so closely that when I stopped you walked rite into me = not kewl ...
3. Sticking your tongue down my throat rite before or after - or during - eating my onion rings = not kewl ...
4. Sticking your tongue down my throat at the same time I am trying to suck down my beer = not kewl ...
5. Hovering over me while I tried to catch up with friends who are visiting from out of state that I haven't seen in bout 4 years - even after I informed you of this = not kewl ...
On the short walk back to my car, I enjoyed sucking up the crisp nite air, enjoying my freedom to breathe ...
There are times where a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be defined. 2 dates doesn't even come close to being a relationship - defined or not. After the social fiasco, I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to have any type of relationship other than friends ...
MY PERSONAL SPACE IS MY OWN - UNLESS I INVITE YOU IN - PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE. DO NOT PASS "GO" - DO NOT COLLECT 200 BUCKS ...
There really aren't any tactful words for "SMOTHERING" ...
Me: I like you, tho, I don't find that INTENSE CONNECTION that I desire. I would, of course, like to remain friends ...
Him: I understand and would like to still be friends ...
Me: awesome - I will still be hugging you and *insert name* when I see you out ... LOL ...
Him: that's good ... LOL ...
Him: Not pushing, but I would like to know your expectations ...
Me: expectations of what ...
Him: I would still like to play with you. Have you and *insert name" come for dinner, check out a movie ...
Him: I obviously like you - your company ...
Me: I have to think bout the play part. (altho I already know this will never happen, I choose not to be RUDE). Socializing is fine, it's just a matter of schedules ... LOL ...
Him: I understand. Again, not trying to push you, but would like a clear understanding ...
Not responding to that. In fact, I can see how even trying to remain friends probably isn't such a good idea ...
Uuummm - seriously - what the fuck ... apparently he wants a "FRIENDSHIP COMMITMENT CALANDER" carved in stone until the 30th century ...
I already expressed my position on this matter - NICELY ... CLEARLY. I didn't fucking STUTTER ...
We have a slew of MUTUAL friends, avoiding him altogether is NOT AN OPTION. However, I am more than capable of being POLITE and engaging in small talk ...
I see no need to be MEAN or RUDE - it just didn't work out. My LACK OF RESPONSE to his last message - totally hopes he takes that as an indicator that I am DONE with EXPLAINING MYSELF ...
Being PUSHED to the point of BLUNTNESS is something I try to avoid. The Empath is me doesn't enjoy possibly hurting someone's feelings. Yet, I can't allow someone to manipulate me ...
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