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Done Like Burnt Toast ...
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Done Like Burnt Toast ... Again, I let him back in my life. Why? Cause I am a FUCKING IDIOT. Since May, back and forth. He fucks me over - makes up some stupid, crappy story. Yet, I keep justifying his actions, over and over. Well - my heart does. My mind has no doubt that he's a FUCKTARD ... they can't figure out how to share the same sandbox ... I previously posted a blog "Doll On A Shelf". Sometimes, seeing things in writing helps me to process them. So hoped I would have the strength not to give in. Uuuumm, yeah ... didn't quite turn out like that ... *Told my hubby that "K" and I were chatting again. "Well, if that's what you want do to. Personally, I think he's a SCUMBAG. Luv you, trixie" ... and he gave me a huge hug. No reason for him to freak - he already knew this person would NEVER follow thru on anything. As long as I am not in any impeding danger, mentally or physically, he prefers for me to see things for myself. Which, he knew would happen in my own time ... *"K" wrote me. Really couldn't believe he would tell me such a thing. No - nix that. Of course, I could. Again, just denying it to myself. The next email - 2 words - 1 pic ... "GREAT MOUTH" ... and a pic of some SHANK ASS NASTY FUCKING SUCKING HIS COCK. He knew this would cut out my heart. Guess it makes his DICK HARD to continue to emotionally hurt me. Unless I ASK for a for a pic of you and another girl, this is NOT KEWL. Unless you ASK me if you can send me a pic of you and another girl and I say YES, this is NOT KEWL. *Note - as everyone is DIFFERENT, this is NOT KEWL WITH ME. For someone else it may be their thing - I RESPECT that. So, yeah, I EXPECT the same in return ... *Ironically, I stopped by a friends blog and saw she has posted ... "SIGNS IT'S TIME TO LET GO". The timing was just perfect - or not. As I read, mentally checked off the boxes. Wish I could say I only checked a few - was more like MOST OF THEM - or perhaps ALL OF THEM. And, I had a good cry. Or 10. Just when I thought I was out of sad tears - that I couldn't possibly shed another one ... my brain just starting flashing those words - that pic. Even tho my heart was shredded into tiny minuscule pieces, I still wanted to make EXCUSES for him and for the way he treats me. Yet, I would NEVER treat someone this way - it's nice a very nice thing to do ... *I went to my hubby in sad tears. "K" is a FUCKING SCUMBAG. My hubbys response: "what did he do this time". Before telling my hubby what happened, I made his promise not to say those words, "I TOLD YOU SO". I know it was hard for him not too - think it's human nature - like a reflex - in some situations. He didn't break his promise to me, just hugged me tight ... told me he luved me. Expressed that I wasn't sure if I was strong enuf to let it go. There was only one thing that would prevent me from reaching out to "K" - and I did it. Asked my hubby to please give me a DIRECT ORDER to NOT have any CONTACT with him. I have slim to nil restrictions placed on me. And, the ones that I do have are for my safety and well being. Never have I asked for a "rule" before. Despite the fact that I know this person is an ASSCLOWN - didn't stop the fear inside me that I would cave in - AGAIN. Feelings just don't turn on and off like a faucet. Well, at least not mine ... *A few days passed and he didn't reach out to me. Mixed emotions. One part of me was relieved, that I wouldn't have to ignore someone that I cared bout. Tho, this left the other part of me wondering why he didn't even ask how I am. Not sure why this should surprise me from someone who thinks being out of contact with me for days and days, or even weeks is okies ... *A few days passed - feeling a little emotionally stronger every day. Then, it happened. Waking up to this: "good morning, my beautiful pet" ... those words used to make me smile. This time, they make my heart go silent. As usual, he does something mean to me and then acts as if everything is okies. Yeah - why shouldn't he - it always is. Altho I question things, he always glosses over them. And, I let him do it, on a consistent basis. My inability to let him get away with that he does to me is not HIS fault - it's MINE. And, at that very moment, something clicked ... *Not being able to have contact with him, my tiny fingers starting texting to my D/s Mommy and one of my D/s sisters. "YOU TREAT ME LIKE FUCKING SHIT - LIKE FUCKING GARBAGE. HAD ENUF - YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BREATHE IN THE SAME AIR AS ME. JUST WASHED YOU OF OUT OF LIFE FOR THE FINAL TIME". It doesn't even really matter that HE will never see or hear those words - I did it for ME. Felt so awesome to get back the space that he was sucking up inside me. More room now for all good and healthy stuff in my life ...   In Luv, Lite, Laffter ... |
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'Once you get passed the pain....." People are strange when you're a stranger."
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I am so sorry my friend.. I hope things get better, and this time you have to not let him back into your life EVER again..Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on.. 
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Thanks for the book idea, tho, doing pretty good ... In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...
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You were his reserve when he couldn't get anyone else he always had you. You are worth more than that. In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...
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It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...
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'Once you get passed the pain....." In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...
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I am so sorry my friend.. I hope things get better, and this time you have to not let him back into your life EVER again..In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...
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