Sitting Out This Month's Symposium
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Posted:May 8, 2016 7:33 am
Last Updated:May 15, 2016 9:01 am
28739 Views
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I am spending time with my parents in Oklahoma celebrating mother's day. As part of this weekend's festivities, we attended a local festival in my hometown celebrating the town's Czech heritage. Dubbed the "Kolache" festival, it is a tribute to the fruit filled yeast pastry popular to the Prague Czech region.
Here are a few photos for those that may be curious.
Hope you are having an awesome weekend. Happy mothers day to all of you moms!
Xoxo,
Myelin
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Reaching Out To Suicidal Bloggers
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Posted:Apr 30, 2016 1:40 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2016 3:23 am
30127 Views
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According to government data, 70% of people who commit suicide tell someone about their plans, or give some other type of warning signs. Over 30,000 Americans die each year due to suicide, but over 800,000 Americans attempt suicide. While women attempt suicide three times more than men, men are nearly four times more likely to be successful. (via psych central).
This week, I read with concern the plight of a female blogger that had hung onto a toxic relationship for years. When she decided (yet again) to end it, as played out in her blog, she blogged about becoming suicidal to the point of nearly ingesting pills in an attempt to end her life. This raised all sorts of alarm bells to other bloggers in the blogging community. Two of them reached out to me via email for advice.
So, how do we know if a blogger we've never met is simply seeking attention or is blogging a cry for help?
As a concerned professional, I reached out to the blogger in question via her blog with a kind, concerned reply. Guess what? She immediately deleted my response. What does that tell me as a mental health professional? In looking over the responses, I noticed all were from men. There were no female respondents. A red flag? You bet.
Warning signs of suicide are not difficult to spot, but professionals differentiate between someone who simply has a passing thought of suicide or ending his or her own life, and someone who is more serious and has a definite plan. You don’t have to know how serious a person is in order to help them, though.
Friends and family who are close to an individual are in the best position to spot these warning signs. Often times people feel helpless in dealing with someone who is depressed or suicidal. If a blogger expresses hopelessness or thoughts of suicide on their blog, it is important for them to know you’re there for them, that you care and you will support them no matter what. It is also helpful to encourage the person to seek professional mental health help from a therapist, psychiatrist, school counselor, or even talking with their family doctor about their feelings.
If you can gain insight into a blogger's name and physical location, you can contact law enforcement in their community (often dispatchers can identify addresses via water records) to go out to their residence to conduct a welfare check.
For those in the blogging community that have been here for awhile, have you came across warning signs of a blogger's potential risk for suicide? Did you reach out to the blogger or pass it off as just another "attention" seeker?
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The Downside to Being a Control Freak
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Posted:Apr 27, 2016 6:59 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2016 6:29 pm
29438 Views
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In psychology, the term control freak describes a person who attempts to dictate how everything is done around them. The phrase was first used in the late 1960s, an era when stress was laid on the principle of 'doing one's own thing' and letting others do the same.
Although being in control has some positive value, seeking control over others (or over outcomes) may not be. Research has found that being overly controlling of others leads to misery and frustration rather than happiness and success—a tendency that, at certain levels, can be symptomatic of a range of psychiatric disorders.
The reason behind this is simple enough: When we attempt to control other people too much, they become resistive and most often will let you know. This may explain why parents and employees find spending time with their and their bosses to be pretty unpleasant. and bosses may differ in almost every way, but the one thing they share in common is they frustrate our attempts at controlling them by doing just as they please.
Being a control freak when it comes to people and events has actually been found to lower success. Those with a high desire for control tend to surround themselves with yea-sayers, which reduces the quality of their decisions. Being overly controlling is also associated with greater foolhardiness, which also lowers quality of decisions.
It only holds that the more in control we are of our internal state, the less likely we are to seek externalizing control over others.
Whereas self-control is about willpower—our ability to stick with a goal or abstain from something, "internal control" is more about gaining control over our own thoughts and feelings. It turns out that the more in control we are of our internal state, the less external control we seek.
Perhaps the most effective way to gain internal control is by practicing mindfulness—a suggestion you've surely heard often enough. But it should be noted, mindfulness is not for everyone. Plus, it takes patience to practice—something that those with a high control-seeking tendency don't have a lot of.
I offer three recommendations for learning how to practice internal control.
Steer clear of what you sets you off. "Situation selection" is about avoiding situations that make you feel stressed and out of control. If looking at your smartphone after 9 p.m. disturbs your sleep, make it a rule to disengage from your phone after dinner. The problem with situation selection, of course, is that it sounds simple in principle but rarely is in practice.
Let your body do the work your mind is struggling with. What do you do when the unwanted emotion has already crept in? One way of regaining internal control is to use your body language to your advantage. Assume a confident stance. Assuming a "power pose" for just two to three minutes can significantly increase self-belief and confidence.
Practice "emotional labeling" which involves coming up with a word or phrase, whenever you're feeling out of control, to describe the negative emotion you're experiencing. So for instance, if you feel frustrated while stuck in traffic, simply validate to yourself, "I’m frustrated." Most people think that emotional labeling will intensify the emotion being labeled. But they are wrong.
If you can improve internal control, you'll be much less likely to attempt to control others. As a result, this may prove beneficial to enhancing relationships with others.
Is being a control freak affecting relationships with people you care about? Have you encountered a control freak whether in your job or a relationship? How have you dealt with it?
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Masturbation
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Posted:Apr 16, 2016 7:37 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2016 3:45 pm
31495 Views
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This would be me: (one photo should be attached)
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Breathing and Orgasm
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Posted:Apr 16, 2016 4:03 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2016 4:26 am
30905 Views
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Disclaimer: the following may be disturbing or upsetting to some readers and should not be considered my endorsement of this practice.
Asphyxiophilia is the restriction of oxygen to the brain with the intent of heightening sexual arousal. When the act is done by a person to themselves, it is referred to as autoerotic asphyxiation. The behavior is classified as paraphilia in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, while “gasper” is the colloquial term for someone who engages in the practice.
Documented as having been practiced since the early 17th century, erotic asphyxiation used to be suggested as a treatment for erectile dysfunction since subjects executed by hanging were noted to develop an erection.
Author John Curra wrote, "The carotid arteries (on either side of the neck) carry oxygen-rich blood from the heart to the brain. When these are compressed, as in strangulation or hanging, the sudden loss of oxygen to the brain and the accumulation of carbon dioxide can increase feelings of giddiness, lightheadness and pleasure, all of which heighten masturbatory sensations."
Author George Shuman notes, "When the brain is deprived of oxygen, it induces a lucid, semi-hallucinogenic state called hypoxia. Combined with orgasm, the rush is said to be no less powerful than cocaine, and highly addictive." Approximately 250 to 1,000 people die resulting from its practice in the United States each year. The majority of deaths are male.
During masturbation, I noticed that I hold my breath for several seconds as I start to feel the wave building toward orgasm. For me, it is an unconscious process. After about twenty seconds into my orgasm, I have to remind myself to breathe because I am hyper-focused on my orgasm.
The brief amount of time I am deprived of oxygen seems to heighten and extend the effect of my orgasm.
Last week I was having a particularly stressful day. My work colleague offered to do a short "brainspotting" session, a technique proven useful to access and develop internal resource states end experiences. Brainspotting allows the therapist and to “pendulate” between resource or positive states and trauma states. It's said to be useful to enable more gradual, graded processing and desensitization of intensely traumatic and emotionally charged issues and symptoms. This involved deep breathing and eye movements.
She pointed out that I held my breath often during the brainspotting session so I shared with her that I also find myself unintentionally holding my breath during masturbatory orgasm. She alluded to autoerotic asphyxiation. (I should point out that she is working on her sex therapy certification.)
Although I can be kinky, I wanted to dispel any concern that may suggest I am sexually deviant. After researching autoerotic asphyxiation, it came as a relief to know that unintentional or involuntary asphyxiation falls outside the parameters of this particular paraphilia.
Last week kzoopair elicited feedback in his blog Come one, cum all to put into words what an orgasm feels like. You should go read the responses. There were many interesting replies. For me, orgasm often feels almost like an out of body experience: euphoric, lightheaded and similar to warm wave building from deep inside my vagina that radiates outward.
When you orgasm are you mindful of your breathing? Do you find yourself (voluntarily or involuntarily) holding your breath? Although controversial, have you ever dabbled with breath play with a partner or while masturbating?
References
Roberts, Chris (30 January 2012). Lost English: Words And Phrases That Have Vanished From Our Language. Michael O'Mara Books. p. 66.
"Erotic Asphyxiation". Lust Magazine. 1997.
John Curra (2000). The Relativity of Deviance. Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications, Inc. p. 111. ISBN 0-7619-0778-5.
George D. Shuman (2007). Last Breath: A Sherry Moore Novel. Simon & Schuster. p. 80. ISBN 1-4165-3491-1.
Uva, J. L. (1995). "Review: Autoerotic asphyxiation in the United States". Journal of Forensic Sciences 40 (4): 574–581.
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Getting Over on the System
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Posted:Apr 13, 2016 5:15 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2016 12:55 pm
31899 Views
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One article should be attached. Disclaimer: thoughts and opinions expressed in the article do not imply that I support the content. Curious minds want to know what you think. I posted this with the intent to engage bloggers in a thought-provoking discussion.
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Ending The Day On A Sweet Note
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Posted:Apr 10, 2016 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2016 3:04 am
32707 Views
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Today was a laid back kind of day. The weather was a beautiful 75 degrees and I had my windows open most of the day. I lounged around a bit this morning and went for a short run. This afternoon I decided to show my feet some love. What color did I choose? Royal blue of course!
Decided I was in the mood to surprise my with a nice meal when she returned from her dad's. Fettuccine with homemade Bolognese sauce. And for dessert homemade Dutch apple pie.
I am about to head to the market to grab some vanilla bean ice cream and caramel topping to drizzle over.
Who's up for some dessert? I'll save you some! 
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Getting Off The Hamster Wheel
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Posted:Apr 8, 2016 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2016 2:26 pm
33363 Views
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If you're like me, you might feel like life seems like a never-ending "hamster wheel." In my case, it was all about expectations; and not even my own expectations, but the expectations that I was projecting onto other people.
I felt that everyone expected me to be this wonderful mother AND keep the house in perfect order AND serve nourishing meals a minimum of once a day AND make sure that my family's clothing was always neat, clean, and fairly new AND get my wherever she needed to be AND be a "good listener and clinician always available for my family, and my (which is, after all, the job I am getting paid for) AND, AND, AND.
It was pretty obvious that it was completely impossible to do all this, and to do it to the extremely high standards ingrained into me by my parents. (Who, I might mention, were both workaholics and often leaned heavily on me to pick up the slack raising my sisters throughout my childhood.)
However, impossible as it was, I tried my very best to do it. I was afraid that, if I didn't somehow manage all of it, people would judge me, and find me inferior. That I would lose all my friends, everyone would hate me, and I would be alone, unloved, and outcast.
Most of all, I was afraid that if I failed in even the smallest part of this, I would disappoint someone. And I couldn't bear the thought of causing anyone even a moment of unhappiness.
Until I realized that there was only one way off that hamster wheel.
And that was to just step off, and risk all that disapproval. To go ahead and let all of those people down.
I felt terrible about it, and I wasn't able to do it all at once. But I did it.
I stopped worrying about what others would think because I came to realize that it was much more important to do the things I could do, and do them well, than to try to do everything. I saw that the only person who really had the right to judge me was me, myself; and I realized that it was unrealistic and stretching myself thin in a vain attempt to be "perfect."
I no longer stress over keeping my house spotless. I now require my to help more around the house and stopped correcting her "help" when she did step up to the plate.
I decided to trust the way I'd raised my , turned my self-doubt over to the Universe, and let them work through their own issues, rather than second-guessing decisions. That continues to be a struggle because as you know with an adolescent, they are prone to error. But I went from telling them what to do, to asking what they thought they should do, and stepped back a little. (So far they seem just fine.)
I decided to cut back on the hours a day I work and acknowledged that no one really needs as many material things as we think we do.
Eventually I realized that people survive disappointment all the time. It's true, they may be disappointed when I can't answer their e-mail right away or attend every professional training or work-related events I'm frequently invited to but they all manage to live through it somehow.
In time, I realized that the key was to give myself the same kind of slack that I gave everyone else. I don't expect perfection from others. I know that there are limits to what any one person can do. All I lacked was an understanding that it was OK to live within those limits myself.
And you know what? My friends, although they might be disappointed, understand. They see what I do, and they don't expect more. Some of them are actually more relaxed around me now.
Far from being friendless, alone, unloved, and outcast, I have more friends now than I've ever had before. Possibly because I'm not trying so hard and therefore more relaxed to be around. I don't know.
I stopped trying to "make" time to do everything that everyone expected me to do, and instead started to "take" time to do the things I needed to do to keep myself balanced, relaxed, and happy. (What do people "make" time out of, anyway?)
I constantly remind my to remember to put on their own air mask before they help others and I decided it was time to hold myself to the same standard. That, if I was run down, frazzled, cranky, or too weak or sick to move I wasn't much good to anyone else, either.
I learned to say, "No."
And I'm not on the hamster wheel any more.
It's a great feeling. You should try it!
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Kansas Is Making It Harder For Transgenders To Change Their Gender on Their Birth Certificate
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Posted:Apr 7, 2016 4:58 am
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2016 4:38 am
32002 Views
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Transgenders seeking to change their gender on their birth certificate seem to be encountering a roadblock in Kansas.
WICHITA, Kan. (AP) — Gov. Sam Brownback’s administration is moving forward with a policy change that would make it harder for transgender people to change their gender on their birth certificates.
The Wichita Eagle reports that under current regulations, one can change the gender listed on his or her birth certificate by showing medical paperwork that indicates an anatomical or physiological change occurred.
The governor’s administration has proposed changing the regulations so that the gender on a person’s birth certificate can only be changed if the person signs an affidavit saying the gender was incorrectly recorded on the original certificate and also provides medical records backing up that claim.
The change developed by the Kansas Department of Health and Environment seems to block transgender people from changing their birth certificates after transitioning.
As a therapist who works with transgenders prior to reassignment surgery this infuriates me. Why do states feel the need to interfere with people's private personal lives? What say you?
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Symposium Entry: Don't Say I Didn't Warn You!
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Posted:Apr 3, 2016 7:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2016 10:23 am
43459 Views
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This blog is part of the Eighteenth Virtual Symposium: Secrets.
The year was 1999. My spouse worked as a cop on the night shift. For years I slept in an empty bed. Our marital sex life was nonexistent. The few times we tried having sex ended in miserable defeat. My spouse's erectile problems drove a wedge further between us.
I know some of you who are reading this are probably going to judge me for what transpired but I don't think anyone can fairly judge someone until they've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
I was a naive 27 year old who up until that point in my life had experienced traditional "vanilla" sex. The further I sank into disconnect with my spouse the more I began spending time online. I encountered a man who was heavily involved in the BDSM community in St Louis. He was an experienced Dominant and he piqued my interest in learning and growing my knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle.
Yes, he knew I was married. I never hid that. He demanded absolute honesty and began grooming me to be his submissive. We spent months chatting and talking. It's true what they say about having an affair. It's exhilarating yet emotionally exhausting. I felt like I was living a double life: the suburban "proper" housewife by day and a slutty submissive sex object via risque online conversations by night.
After about six months, we both felt ready to meet. We established a BDSM contract and mutually agreed upon safe words. I lied and told my spouse that I was attending a training conference in Kansas City.
I was instructed to arrive at the hotel early, a key would be waiting at the front desk, and I was to prepare myself for Him. His instructions were clear: He wanted me waiting for His arrival wearing a corset, garters, stockings, heels, and blindfolded. I was to address Him as "Sir" or I would be severely reprimanded. I was not to speak unless spoken to. I was to worship His cock at all times unless told otherwise. I would be collared, bound, and used for His pleasure. My orgasm was denied unless He felt I was deserving.
That weekend my boundaries were pushed. I was reprimanded a lot and not because I was deliberately being obtuse. There was a learning curve and I was uncovering the rules as we went along. I discovered the meaning behind "sub space" that weekend and why so many women seek to achieve it.
I came home with welts and bruises on my derriere that I knew would be impossible to explain away. In the end, I decided to confide my dirty little secret to my spouse. It ultimately ended up destroying my marriage.
As I look back on that time in my life, I credit this experience for being the transition point in challenging everything I knew about pushing my sexual limits, exploring my boundaries and getting in deeper touch with my inner sexual desires including fiercely supporting my need for non-monogamy.
Please visit the other wonderful contributions to the symposium here: Participants List For The Eighteenth Virtual Symposium Secrets
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To link to this blog (myelin36) use [blog myelin36] in your messages.
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