Beethoven's Ninth
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Posted:May 27, 2018 11:49 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
1209 Views
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The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage--about 20 minutes--during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming down several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic." said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the cnductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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Excerpts from actual British Military Officer Fitness Reports
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Posted:May 27, 2018 11:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
1346 Views
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His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not allow this officer to breed.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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Guy in a bar
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Posted:May 27, 2018 11:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
1294 Views
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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean REALLY REALLY drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home. As he tumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt then picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. He once again stumbled over to her, put his face right next to her face and said...
"Not very strong tonight, are you batman?"
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Carols for your dysfunctional friends
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Posted:Jan 8, 2017 1:42 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
2684 Views
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SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and
Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and..
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat,
All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
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Something You May Not Know About a Christmas Tradition
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Posted:Jan 8, 2017 1:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
3123 Views
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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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More Christmas Jokes
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Posted:Jan 8, 2017 1:37 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
4464 Views
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These days, with modern technology and all, fewer and fewer rainmakers exist today. In fact, one of the last great rainmakers recently passed on. He was a Soviet gentleman (back when there was a Soviet empire) named Rudolph Stanislavietski, but, because of difficulty in pronouncing his last name, and because of his fiery red hair and beard, he was called Rudolph the Red. I still remember the day he came to our town. He predicted it would rain that day. There was an elderly couple standing nearby. The husband shook his head, saying it hadn't rained in days, and wouldn't rain anytime in the near future. Rudolph the Red said, rather quietly, "You're wrong. In fact, it will rain in less than five minutes." Well, they argued back and forth for a while; meanwhile, within five minutes, clouds started to gather, the skies grew dark, and lightning flashed and thunder rolled. Finally, four minutes and fifty-five seconds after Rudolph's prediction, a downpour ensued. Just then, the wife turned to her husband and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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California's coastal communities recently experienced a rash of burglaries. From Monterrey to San Diego, the west coast's wealthiest beachfront property owners felt the sting of crime. Law enforcement was beefed up in the towns and cities, but to no avail. Clues were few and far between: the cat burglar was somehow able to scale the stone walls surrounding the properties, leaving clawmarks in the stone; trails of sand throughout the homes suggested the burglar probably posed as a surfer, waiting for the proper moment to strike. No other clues were found.The town of Santa Monica decided to take a "preventative maintenance" approach by taking in local surfers for questioning. One particularly annoyed surfer demanded to know what the deal was, but no one would answer him. Finally he was brought before the Chief of Police. The surfer yelled, "Why won't anyone tell me what's going on? Who will talk to me?" The Chief looked at the surfer and said, "You wanna know why? I'm telling you why: 'Sandy Claws' is coming to town!"
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Boycotts occur now and then, a way to promote unity and harmony between workers, management and retailers. It keeps the powers-that-be in check. And so it was recently with the Lettuce Growers. Working conditions were terrible, wages were low, and hours were torturous. Something needed to be done, and a lettuce boycott seemed the answer.However, one problem remained: the catch phrase. The movement needed a hook, something the country could get behind and rally around. But what? Finally, a decision was made, a solution was reached. This explains why a dozen or so representatives of the nation's Lettuce Growers were dressed in winter garb, in the middle of July, singing the following:
Oh, conditions out here are frightful,
The bosses here are spiteful,
That's why we implore you so: Lettuce, no! Lettuce, no! Lettuce, no!
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"Last call!" the bartender cried. He then walked over to the gentleman sitting at the end of the bar. "You may stay if you like, Monsieur Fraw, but I cannot serve you anymore." Jacques looked down at his half-empty shot glass and said, "Then I shall make it last. Merci," taking another nip of whiskey.At that moment, Marie burst into the room. "Jacques!" Marie bellowed in an unusually loud voice. "Put down that glass and come home this instant!"Jacques turned away from his wife and picked up the glass. Marie yelled,"NO, Jacques, I said NO!" With that, Jacques took another nip of whiskey. "NO, I said, put that glass down!" Jacques took yet another nip. And on it went, Marie screaming NO and Jacques taking nip after nip of whiskey, until an exasperated Marie walked over to the bartender and asked, "Why won't Jacques do what I say?" "It would appear," the bartender replied, with a mischievous grin, "that Jacques Fraw's nipping at your NOs!"
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To be a great interviewer, one must possess the ability to relax the person being interviewed, to put the individual at ease. This allows the interviewer to ask the probing, hard-hitting questions without upsetting the interviewee. Barbara Walters started her career by asking the "if-you-could-be-any-kind-of-tree" question during her interviews. Johnny Carson would lean into his subjects, getting them to talk one-on-one with Johnny, forgetting they were on camera. Oprah Winfrey reveals personal secrets, thereby relaxing her subjects.
When David Frost first started out, his three-piece suit and clipped British accent gave one the impression that he was a stuffy English gentleman, and, therefore, a boring interviewer. However, nothing could be further from the truth: at a certain point during the inter-view, usually near the beginning, he would slip in the word "snew." The unsuspecting subject would innocently ask, "What's snew?" David Frost would look directly into the camera and say, "I dunno, what's snew with you?" This would relax the individual, and a great inter-view followed.
It's no wonder that London's Daily Mirror, in a review of Frost's interview show, titled the article, "Frost: He, The 'Snew' Man."
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When "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper" first aired two seasons ago, there wasn't much of a following, not because the show wasn't very good, but because no one knew it was on. So the stars were sent out to promote the show. This is how Holly Robinson, one of the stars of "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," found herself on the Arsenio Hall Show one evening two seasons ago. Also appearing was comedian Rich Hall, himself promoting a new "Sniglets" book.
Robinson, a dramatic actress doing her first comedy series, was a tad nervous to begin with, but things went from bad to worse. As she heard her cue, she walked onto the stage, headed for the two men. Just as she reached them, she realized she had forgotten to take a bow to the audience. She attempted to walk and bow at the same time, and lost her balance. She would've fallen on her head if it hadn't been for the two gentlemen, who caught her and righted her. However, as they did so, they themselves lost their balance and ended up sprawled on the floor, with Holly Robinson taking bow after bow.
One might say the audience was treated to a rousing chorus of "Deck The Halls With Bows From Holly." Then again, one might not.
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The Police Commissioner silenced the room with a wave of his hand. "I have one other thing to report." He had made the decision to reveal the latest police finding to the press. As the Commissioner leaned into the microphones, the room grew silent with anticipation. "We believe we know his name, or, at least, part of it. At the scene of his last burglary, 'Sandy Claws' scratched a word into a wooden door. We believe it to be his last name." "And, what is the word, Commissioner?" The Commissioner paused for dramatic effect. "'Layne.'When this criminal gets to our town, we want him to know we're on to him, and it's just a matter of time before we nail him."
The Commissioner, wanting to ensure the cat burglar's last name was used in the headlines, asked a reporter at random, "You, from the Herald. How's tomorrow's headline gonna read?" The Herald reporter thought for a moment, then replied, "Here Comes 'Sandy Claws.'" The Commissioner exploded, "Here Comes 'Sandy Claws?!?' Here Comes 'Sandy Claws?!?' Write down 'Sandy Claws Layne!!'"
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"Come, Watson, the game's afoot!" Dad grabbed his deerstalker cap and magnifying glass and ran from the room, with Mom following close behind, and my brother, my sister, and me bringing up the rear. It was the start of our annual event, The Case of The Hidden Presents. Every Christmas, as far back as I could remember, we would buy presents for Mom and Dad, hide them somewhere in the house, and challenge Dad to find them. And every Christmas, Dad would don his Sherlock Holmes outfit, and, with Mom (Dr. Watson) in tow, use clues and logic to deduce the whereabouts of the presents. He never failed in his search, and we never figured out how he did it.
"Look here, Watson! Adhesive strips on the edge of the coffee table! Andhere, bits of wrapping paper in the carpet! A present was wrapped here, the table used to hold three strips of tape. Hmm, judging by the amount of wrapping paper scraps, and the three adhesive strips, the present must be a small one." And on it went, until Dad, I mean Holmes, figured out the locations of the presents.
It wasn't until I had grown up and moved out, that Dad confessed he had been spying on us all those years, that he had only pretended to be a brilliant logician. But it was great fun. I remember the way he ended each year's hunt for presents. After the last one was discovered, he would hug us all and sing, "Oh, it's nice to be Holmes for the holidays."
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"There's no way he can pass up a prize like this. We've got him!" The Commissioner seemed confident in his words, yet, thought the Chief of Police to herself, there was a trace of uncertainty in his voice. The "prize" the Commissioner referred to was the "Bell" Diamond, on loan from Los Angeles, currently attached to a necklace, worn around the neck of a local wealthy socialite. Although it was not the usual M.O. (modus operandi) of Layne to strike in public, during a catered affair such as this, security had been "beefed up," including the Commissioner and Chief of Police themselves. The theory was that "Sandy Claws" would strike after the affair, when the "Bell" Diamond was, supposedly, in the socialite's safe for the evening, to be returned to Los Angeles in the morning. In reality, the "Bell" Diamond (so named by its discoverer, Dr. Jihn Go Soonh, because of a flaw in the center, resembling a tiny bell) was to be whisked away to L.A. immediately after the party, a fake placed in the safe. The diamond-in-the-safe story was leaked to the press, the truth known only to the Commissioner and the Chief. The extra security lent credence to the story.
As the socialite passed near the two police officers, the Chief whistled low, then said, "Man! That's some rock!" The Commissioner turned to his Chief of Police and said, "That's no ordinary rock, Chief. That's the Jihn Go "Bell" rock!"
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My sister invited me over for the holidays. It's a natural: she's a single parent with three , and I myself have no . It should be a lot of fun. Her likes football, as do I. Her older plays piano and likes rock from the 70s and 80s, as do I. Her younger likes to eat until she fills her little body to capacity, as do I. And my sister and I remember old times and gang up on Mom and Dad and my brother. Great fun should be had by all.
We'll start with the chores, working up an appetite, then follow up with a hearty breakfast. Then we'll play a little football, probably my brother and me versus the . By then, it'll be dinnertime, and we'll "pig out" again. After dinner, we'll sit around the piano, as my niece and I take turns at belting out the Christmas classics while eating dessert. Then we'll go to bed, and start the whole process over in the morning.
But there's an even more important reason for visiting my sister. She has spied on the , watching where they hid their presents for their Mom and Uncle. I have already stopped by Dad's place, picking up the cap and magnifying glass, and tips from Dad. Yes, the torch has been passed, for this year, on Christmas Day, I'll be Holmes For Christmas.
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I recall an old Tonight Show several years ago. Jay Leno was guest-hosting for Johnny. Doc was filling in for Ed, and Tommy Newsom was filling in for Doc. The guests were Stevie Wonder, Teri Garr, and Christopher Walken. All in all, not one of The Tonight Show's more memorable shows. Except that it was for me, because it inspired my first unconscious pun. An unconscious pun is one that forms on the subconscious level and bubbles to the surface, catching the punster unaware. It's the sign of a truly sick mind.
Anyway, Stevie Wonder was discussing this property he had recently purchased outside of Aspen, Colorado. When he wanted to get away from Los Angeles and experience winter, he headed for his Colorado cabin. As he described the biting cold, the crunch of snow underfoot, the smell and taste of the clean, crisp air, and the sounds of nature all around him, Leno, the other guests, and the entire audience were moved to silence. Teri Garr, wearing a sleeve-less top, unconsciously rubbed her arms to fend off the "cold." I found myself cranking the electric blanket up a notch.
As Stevie's winter experience came to a close, Christopher Walken said, in a hushed tone, "Sounds beautiful. I'd like to visit sometime, if I could." That's when the song, "Walken In A Wonder Winterland," danced through my head.
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"All right, Commissioner, how'd you figure out it was me?" The Police Commissioner stared disappointedly at his former Chief of Police, now in handcuffs. "Oh, c'mon, Sandra! You practically told us! You were the one who suggested I name the burglar 'Sandy,' your nickname. You were on vacation when the burglaries started up north, supposedly visiting your boyfriend, Roy Layne. You carved his last name in the door. You were a gymnast in college. You were in on everything we did. C'mon, you wanted to be caught!" She shifted uncomfortably, considering the Commissioner's words.
"So how'd you catch me?" A wide grin played across the Commissioner's face. "The 'Bell' Diamond was never here." Sandra's eyes opened wide with amazement, as the Commissioner continued. "There were two fakes, each filled with an ultraviolet dye. I was the only one who knew about it. The dye appears red under a UV light. After the thief handled the fake, he, or she, would, literally, be caught red-handed! And your -"
"Arrrgh!" Sandra screamed. "You and your stupid puns! You have no idea how much I hate those idiotic puns! For years, working up through the ranks, I've had to put up with them! Just once, I wanted to laugh in your face, to make you the butt of a joke!" The Commissioner thought about this for a moment as she was led away. "Hey, Sandra," he called. She stopped. "You know Dr. Soonh made the plastic fakes?" "What do I care?" "You know how he carved the bells?" Sandra, visibly annoyed, answered, "No, how?" "He used an awl. He awled the bells into the Jihn Go 'Bell' Dia-monds." Suddenly, Sandra realized what was coming. "No, Commissioner! I beg of you!" But he had set it up: he had to deliver. "Yup. He awled both of 'em. Jihn Go 'Bells,' Jihn Go 'Bells,' Jihn Go awled away."
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Christmas Jokes
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Posted:Jan 8, 2017 1:32 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
2636 Views
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Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
-- Rude-olph!
What do Snowmen eat for breakfast?
-- Ice Crispies
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
-- He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone
What do you call an old snowman?
-- Water
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Funny Jokes #7
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:40 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
7017 Views
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Same disclaimer as before.
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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
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A Donkey Story
An old man, a boy, & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, ‘What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.’So they then decided they’d both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well…
Kiss your ass goodbye!
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Two neighbors
Two neighbors met on the road in their buggies. The one was a grumpy old man of few words. The other stopped and asked him, “Didn’t you have a mule that came down with pneumonia?” The old grump said, “Yep.” The other guy asked, “What did you do for him?” He answered, “I fed him a gallon of turpentine—giddyup.” The guy went home and fed his mule a gallon of turpentine and the mule died! A few days later he met the old grump again and asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you fed your mule a gallon of turpentine?” The grump said, “Yep.” The other guy said, “Well, I went home and fed my mule a gallon of turpentine and it killed him!” The grump said, “Yep, killed mine too—giddyup.”
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"Well, Ain't That Nice?"
Mary Sue, Brenda Sue, and Linda Sue were sitting on the front porch in Tifton, Georgia, on a hot afternoon, drinking lemon drops with a little extra vodka.
After awhile, Mary Sue said, "When I had my first baby my husband gave me a brand new Cadillac ragtop."
Brenda Sue said "What a marvellous, generous man he is," and Linda Sue said, "Well ain't that nice?" with a sweet smile.
They drank some more of those delicious lemon drops, with a hint of vodka of course, and then Brenda Sue said "When I had my first baby, my husband gave me a brand new split-level house with central air." Mary Sue said, "Isn't that just a magnificent gesture, you must've been so proud. And Linda Sue said, "Well ain't that nice?" as she smiled sweetly.
As they sat there enjoying a mite more lemon drops, with an extra splash of vodka, Mary Sue asked Linda Sue, " What'd you get when you had your first baby, Linda Sue? And Linda Sue responded, "When I had my first baby, my husband sent me off to Switzerland to go to charm school."
Mary Sue said, "Charm school? Well, did you find that helpful, Linda Sue?"
As she smiled that sweet smile, Linda Sue said, "Oh, ever so much. I used to just say 'Fuck You', Now I say, Well, ain't that nice?'".....
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A woman once told me men only think with their dick. I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.
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A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hot stand and says "Make me One with Everything"
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Funny Jokes #6
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:37 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
7439 Views
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Same disclaimer as the first posting.
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SPOONS
A couple was dining at a rather upscale restaurant. As they glanced around, they noticed all the waiters had a shirt pocket full of spoons and a string hanging out of their zipper. Out of curiosity, the husband mentioned this observation to their waiter. The waiter paused and explained that the owner had recently employed an efficiency expert to help contol costs. Spoons were the most often utensil knocked to the floor or otherwise needing replacement. In order to reduce trips to the kitchen for replacements, the waiters all carried an extra supply in their pocket.
The couple thought about it for a second and agreed that made good sense. The wife then asked about the string hanging from their zippers. The waiter sheepishly replied that the same efficiency expert found the waiters could reduce time during bathroom breaks by avoiding the routine handwashing routine. The strings allowed them to pull their cocks out of their pants without touching them. The wife thought for a second. "Well that makes sense for getting your cocks out of your pants, but how do you get them back in?" The waiter looked around and replied, "I don't know about the others, but I just use a spoon".
Next time, just ask for a clean fork.......
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? ...it's not hard...
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The Rules of Bedroom Golf:
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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Voting is like sex. You'll be made a bunch of promises. The actual voting will take about two minutes and then you'll never hear from them again.
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I told the I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
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Funny Jokes #5
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
7202 Views
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Same disclaimer as the first jokes post.
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[Funny true story]
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
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[Funny true story]
An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express, was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gasman blinked, excused himself and departed.
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The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section, which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
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The difference between having Guts and having Balls...
Guts... is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and asking "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls... is coming home late after a night out with the guys, with lipstick on your collar, smelling of perfume & beer, and slapping your wife on the ass and saying "You're next!"
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When is it perfectly acceptable to kick a midget's ass? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and says "I like the smell of your hair."
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Favorite Jokes #4
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:32 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
6873 Views
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Same disclaimer as before.
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DEEP IN THE BACK WOODS
Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
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BAD BANK SERVICE
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"
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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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This guy approached his wife every night and has had the same reply for months: "Sweetie, not tonight, I've got a headache!" One night though, as she was asleep, he tossed two aspirins down her throat... she wakes up in panic, and asks what´s going on.
"Baby, it's just a couple of aspirins," he replies...
"What?! But I haven´t got a headache!"
He stares at her calmly and says: "That's excellent! In that case we're getting down to business."
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There is a sunday school class in session and little Stacy falls asleep the teacher asks Stacy "who created the world?" Little Bobby behind pokes her with a pin and she wakes up and screams GOD the teacher says very good and Stacy goes back to sleep. A little while later the teacher asks Stacy "who did god send to save us?" Once again Bobby pokes her with the pin and she wakes up and screams JESUS. The teacher says good job and Stacy falls asleep again. Later the teacher calls on Stacy again and asks "What did Eve say to Adam after having their 23rd ?" Bobby pokes her again and she wakes up and yells IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME AGAIN I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
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Favorite Jokes #3
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:29 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
6890 Views
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Same disclaimer as before.
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THE LOST BALL
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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AVIATION SAFETY....THE LIL BLACK BOX.
There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.
The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.
French girl opens her bra, "Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."
The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they always look for the black box first."
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LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good, " said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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COUPLE JOKE
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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GOVERNMENT WORK
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replied, "Yes caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes, ' he replied. ' I did two combat tours in Afghanistan ." The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy said, "Yes... an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaced and then said, "O. K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 AM every day." The guy was puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why do you want me to be here at 10:00 AM? why not at 8:00 AM?" "This is a government job, the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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Favorite Jokes #2
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Posted:Jul 9, 2016 8:26 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 1:18 am
7036 Views
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Same disclaimer as the first Favorite Jokes post.
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THE STAGES OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE STAGES OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
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GOD BLESS AMERICA
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
If you do not mind me saying, " said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand, " said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
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THE THREE BLACK MEN
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact, ' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it, ' he replied.
'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
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