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AnAwkwardGirl -- The Curse of the Strong Girls, the loud girls, the girls with big personalities.
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AnAwkwardGirl -- The Curse of the Strong Girls, the loud girls, the girls with big personalities. The curse of the strong girls, the loud girls, the girls with big personalities I’ve always been loud, and I’ve always liked to talk. The only things I ever got in trouble for in school was talking. My mom had to try extra hard to teach me not to talk to strangers. I’ve also always been very big into standing up for what’s right, and not letting people get away hurting others. When I was 8 years old, and discovered that my name (Jocelyn) means “just”, it felt so right. In school, I always stepped in front of the being bullied, and had words to match the hateful words those bullies were spewing. I’ve always been ready and able to defend others. But I’ve always had a hard time defending myself. When the words were turned on me, I had no words to give back. I had panic and stress issues that made me have to go home sick from school. I learned in third grade that if you let people see that they hurt you, they would just hurt you harder. If you let them see you cry, then they got what they wanted. So, I hardened myself to protect myself. I stayed loud. I adopted outrage over injury. People don’t tend to try to hurt people who are outraged. Outrage makes people uncomfortable, and they leave you alone. Eventually people did leave me alone. But something else happened along the way. I thought I had protected myself, but I had only hardened my shell. On the inside, I was still fragile and easily hurt. But I couldn’t show it anymore. I didn’t know how to show the pain when it mattered most. When I needed to show it in order to protect myself in a different way; so that when people I trust and care about hurt me, I can let them know and they can stop. Instead, the outrage comes out. I can’t stop being loud. I can’t stop talking. I sound angry, I sound disgusted. But in reality, I am<b> bleeding </font></b>on the inside. My heart is broken. But I can’t say the words. I can’t show the pain. And I end up making it worse for myself. This is the curse of the strong girls, the loud girls, the girls with big personalities. We are seen, and we are heard, and we have the image that we can take anything that’s thrown at us. Along the way, people start believing we can’t be hurt. And we do it to ourselves, with our strong shells and hard words. We try to say that we’re hurt in every way but saying the actual words. Because those words feel like razor blades on our tongues. And this also makes us targets. People still have animal instincts. When they’re backed into a corner – even when they’ve backed themselves into it -- they will do anything to get out. They will lash out and they will put the blame on others. And when people think you can’t be hurt, you’re the answer to their problems. It’s a victimless crime at that point. You can’t be hurt, so what does it matter if you carry everyone’s problems? You carry the smoking gun, while they escape in the cloud. And then you’re hurt, and you can’t say that you are, because those words are razor blades on your tongue. – AnAwkwardGirl |
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Absolutely insightful post. I can relate, and have worked through some of it, at least to state to the offenders. Those are unkind words I wonder why you used them. It is a mantra with me, I still do not go into detail and use it sparingly but if hurt I will say that and walk away. And say it quietly shocks the hell out of people. Naughty and so enjoying it!!  
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