Is my neighbor a or a drug dealer ?
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Posted:Mar 4, 2012 9:41 am
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2012 4:32 pm
86982 Views
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I bought a house about six months ago , and I've never really met my neighbor to the north . But here's what I've observed ;
Every few hours a car drives up , a guy gets out , goes inside without knocking , and then leaves about an hour later . A couple guys are repeats but its mostly different dudes every time . This goes on 24 hours a day every day but Sunday .
So I ask you , do you think she's a or a drug dealer ? Since they're all dudes and she's a lady I'm leaning towards . With apologies to Mary-Louise Parker I don't think there's that many lady drug dealers (damn glass ceiling for crime) . But this happens pretty much continuously - if she's a when does she sleep ? I guess she could sleep during without too much trouble with most guys right ladies ?
There's a school only a couple of blocks away , which also makes me think - you get in a lot of trouble for dealing drugs near a school around these parts . Also a lot of walking home tend to loiter across the street from her house - maybe hoping to see some coitus ? But they could equally be wanting some drugs I suppose . By the way I know I'm officially old now because it really pisses me off when are just loitering around outside . One of these days I'm going to turn the hose on them and my journey to crazy old man will be complete .
I know I had some reasons to think she might be a drug dealer too but I can't remember any of them now . Honestly I would much rather live next to a sex worker than a drug dealer - I don't hear about a lot of violent crime associated with the drug trade . Plus I read an article a while back about how with smart phones and social media and whatnot most hookers don't need pimps anymore . Which is good because as we all know its the pimps you have to worry about . It also mentioned how a lot of former pimps are joining the army , which is kind of disturbing .
While we're on the subject what's even the point of hookers ? That's kind of like paying someone to watch a movie with you - if they're not into what's the difference between that and doing it by yourself ? Add yet another thing to the list of sex stuff I don't understand .
New Topic - How far would you go for a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper ?
People often say "Hey 40 , what's the deal , why don't you blog about things that happen to you ? You know , make it all autobiographical like ?" Well , I'm nothing if not a people pleaser (false) so here is something that happened to me . I got groceries this morning and when I got home and unloaded I realized that I left a box of soda. On the bottom of the cart . I swung back to the grocery store not expecting it would still be there , but it was worthy a look . It wasn't , but the cartmaster saw me and said to go to customer service . So I did , 2 hours the 12 Labors of Hercules later I walked out with my soda . And I thought to myself , why did I even bother ? Was it worth it for $3.69 ? No , but as the Joker (my hero) says "Its not about money , its about sending a message ." Ladies often accuse me of being stubborn , which I don't think I am , but then something like this happens and I have to wonder if they're right .
Another new topic - Enough already
I like Steve Carel . I loved the Office when he was on it . But am I begging you people to stop with the catchphrase "That's what she said ." I can't take it anymore . Seriously , I can't . Please , in the name of Christian (or whatever) charity stop . If you need a new stupid throw away line to make yourself feel cool please instead use this .
"Like a vagina ?"
Thanks in advance
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The Erotic Adventures of James K Polk , Monster Hunter (aka I'm a lot crazier than I remember)
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Posted:Mar 3, 2012 12:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 8:56 am
86947 Views
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I used to write short stories all the time , I'm not sure why I stopped really , probably because I got cable . Anyway , I'm cleaning out some files on my computer and I found an old folder of stuff I started working on . I found one thing titled "The Erotic Adventures of James K Polk , Monster Hunter" .
An except ;
"People often wonder why , James K Polk (aka Napoleon of the Stump which sounds kind of dirty but isn't) , despite being the best President ever , did not seek a second term . The truth is as bizarre as it is awesome - he felt that he could better serve the country, which he loved so well , by putting his talents into use as a monster hunter . You see in the 1850's America was not the safe happy place it is today - it was plagued by Chupacabra , mothmen , renegade Sasquatches , vampires (and not the sissy Twilight kind) , ghoulies , and all sorts of other nasty beasts . The reason these things aren't still around is due , in large part , to James K Polk (and of course his trust sidekick Martin Van Buren) . Sure he dropped the ball on Slender Man a little bit , but hey , the guy did more than his fair share of monster killing so back off ."
Anyway after some "humorous" dialog between our 11th and 8th presidents about a killer clown , its quickly gets "erotic" as they have a threesome with a hermaphrodite werewolf - blowing its head off with a silver bullet afterward of course .
Now I've always known that I have serious undiagnosed mental problems , but its weird when you're reminded how crazy you really are . The funny thing is , I bet if I finished that story and posted it people would read it - so I guess crazy is very much a sliding scale .
I have no clue why I decided to write erotica , even tongue-in-cheek mocking erotica . I really don't get the appeal - not that I'm judging (very much) .
Does this kind of thing really get anyone all hot and bothered ?
"Dan had Lisa bent over the arm of the couch, thrusting his hard swollen cock in to her excited wet pussy from behind when the maid had walked in. With no reply to her knock, she had let herself into the room and now stood transfixed, watching Lisa moan with pleasure each time his cock thrust inside her. Middle aged and living alone, it had been a long time since anyone had fucked her like that. Watching them brought back memories that made her pussy tingle and juices start flowing. Unconsciously, she started to rub between her legs, her hand inside her skirt.
Dan was the first to notice her. Seeing her obvious arousal, he smiled at her as he continued ramming his hard cock into Lisa's pussy. He grabbed Lisa's hair and turned her head so she too could see the maid fingering herself watching them. Pinned over the arm of the couch, there was little she could do.
Dan pulled out of Lisa and leant over her, whispering in her ear
"You say you love the taste of your pussy, how would you like to taste that one"
Aroused by their fucking and excited at the thought of tasting pussy, Lisa straightened up and walked naked over to the maid. She took her hand and led her slowly to the bed. As they stood by the bed, Lisa started undressing her. Dan looked on, his cock still hard and excited at this new turn of events. He watched Lisa strip of the maids dress and then her bra. As she stripped off her clothes she learnt her name was Paula. Slowly, she pulled down Paula's panties, exposing her nice bald wet pussy with a wondrous pink slit between puffy outer lips. Left in just black stockings, Paula laid on the bed, her legs parting wide.
Lisa slid onto the bed between Paula's legs. She hesitated for a second, she had never been with a woman before but, as Paula's scent caught in her nostrils, all inhibitions were lost and she bent forward pressing her mouth to her pussy. Lisa's tongue slid slowly up Paula's pussy, parting her lips and searching out her clit. It was hard when she found it and she lapped at it mercilessly. The taste of Paula's pussy intoxicated Lisa and she dipped her tongue into Paula's opening to get more of that sweet wetness. Head pushed back and eyes closed, Paula let out a loud moan, her quivering legs the first signs of impending orgasm. Paula's pussy bulged out against Lisa's mouth as she licked her clit again and again. Paula's legs suddenly jerked hard, she rolled onto her side clamping Lisa's head between her thighs as she came, huge spasms racking her body.
By now, Dan was beside himself, his cock throbbing in need of release. With Lisa"s head trapped between Paula's legs he had two choices, Lisa's wet pussy from behind or Paula's gasping mouth. He chose the latter.
Kneeling on the bed, he pressed the swollen head of his cock to Paula's lips. She opened them and took him inside her mouth, her fingers curling round his hard shaft. Lisa pulled her face from between Paula's thighs to watch Paula blow her man. Paulas hand jerked his cock furiously as she sucked hard on the head. Dan started moaning and then gasped as his jerking cock shot its load into Paulas mouth. She swallowed hard, trying to get it all but, still some leaked out between her lips and his cock.
"Fuck" cried Lisa who had been rubbing herself as she watched Dan cum, and was now cumming herself.
The room never got cleaned, but they did make an appointment to see Paula again as soon as she got off work."
Honestly it just seems like a joke to me (again not judging) . I guess they do say the brain is the most erogenous part of the human body .
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Silence Standards ! A GOLD member is talking
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Posted:Mar 3, 2012 8:17 am
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2012 9:13 am
86379 Views
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Complaining that Senior Sizzle "doesn't work" is the main activity around here , and while I am living proof that it does , I will grant you that some improvements could be made . Specifically I feel a change in governance might be in order . Democracy and merit and power to the people and all that has worked okay , but I think maybe the feudal system is something who's time has come . Modes of government , like technology , are cyclical - and I think we can form a better society (that is what we're going for here right ?) but getting ahead of that wave .
Lets face facts , Senior Sizzle as we know it is anarchy - and not the good kind where you listen to punk music and get wasted on cough syrup - the bad kind where the legislative process barely even exist at all . Why just the other day I tried to introduce 40Deuce Bill 188-Q7 (requiring all women in a 24 mile radius from my house to stand outside without a shirt on while I drive to work) and I came to find out there's not even a lawmaking body around here ! Imagine my dismay , I thought I was so close to getting 4DB 56-996YJK (granting me the right of prima nocta) passed and now I find out it wasn't even being reviewed by committee because there is not committee !
I suggest we adopt a new system with Gold members as a benevolent ruling council with absolute authority , Silver members as a sort of nobility/aristocracy who will enforce the tyrannical edicts of the Gold ruling class , and then you know all the Standard members making up the bottom of the pyramid . If you want we could also pick a monarch or some kind out of Gold Council , but I'll leave that up to you - I'm good either way . The important thing is that we get this program up and running as soon as possible .
I would just like to state for the record , that as one of you new Gold Overlords , I will be kind to you my Standard slaves . Sorry , did I say slaves , I mean subjects . My bad . I can't promise you anything , but I will to me best to protect from the worst excesses of the other Gold members - but I won't lie to you , its not always going to be pleasant . It may not seem fair that you have to give of yourself sexually to any Gold member who points at you imperiously , but let's give this system a chance right ? If after a few hundred years you don't like it we can try something else . Maybe some kind of theocracy . I don't know , hopefully it won't come to that .
And , I would think this goes without saying , but obviously part of this plan is that no more Gold memberships be handed out - we don't want to dilute the blood of the ruling class do we ? Of course not . A small number of Silver Memberships will be handed out each year - perhaps as the prize of some kind of gladiatorial tournament where the Standards fight to the death with massive dildos for the amusement of their Gold betters . We can discuss all that at the first meeting of the Gold High Ruling Council .
Good day , and God bless - long live the power of the Gold !
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Filthy bisexual cavemen stealing all our women
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Posted:Feb 29, 2012 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2012 4:45 pm
86176 Views
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So there I was , reading the second book in a series about highly technologically advanced time traveling cavemen (the first one was great , the second was mediocre) when all of the sudden in the middle of my perfectly normal sci-fi book they throw in some graphic sex ! I was shocked and appalled . Confused and aroused (my normal state of being actually) . What is the world coming to ? Writing a book about time traveling bi-cavemen is one thing , but adding a sex scene ? Truly bizarre - also terrible writing in my opinion , not that I'm an expert in caveman erotica . So if you're into cavemen erotic tales , I plagiarize here for your benefit ;
Although Ponter was fully clothed Mary could feel his erection pressing against her thigh . She was suddenly desperate to see it ; she'd seen him naked before when they were quarantined together at Rueben's house , but never when he was aroused . She pushed herself up with her arms , her nipple slipping from between Ponter's lips , and shifted herself down his frame so her hands were free to work upon his waist . But she was flummoxed about how to undo his pants - his pants lacked a clasp , although the bulge of his penis was certainly obvious .
Ponter laughed , reached down , and did something to his garment and suddenly it was loose about his waist . He arched his back and pulled it down over his hips , and -
Apparently Neanderthals didn't wear underwear .
Ponter was massive - thick and long . He was uncircumcised although his purpling glans was sticking well past the foreskin just now . Mary ran the flat of her hand slowly down the length of his penis , feeling it move with each beat of his heart .
Blah , blah , 3 more paragraphs about them getting the rest of their clothes off . . .
And now they were standing , with a meter between them , both completely naked . Ponter closed the distance between them , taking Mary again in his arms and they tumbled sideways into the bed .
Mary wanted him inside her - but not yet , not so soon . They had lots of time , and whatever tiredness had originally prompted Mary to call it a night had complete evaporated . But still , how did Neanderthals make love ? What , if anything was taboo or was considered disgusting ? She decided to let Ponter lead , but he , too was hesitating , presumably concerned by the same question ; and finally Mary found herself initiating something she'd never initiated before , working her tongue down Ponter's muscular , hairy torso , across the washboard contours of his stomach . She opened her mouth wide and slid it over his penis .
Ponter let out a contented sigh . Mary had performed fellatio before on Colm , but always halfheartedly , doing it because she she knew he enjoyed it but deriving no pleasure from the process herself . This time , though , she devoured Ponter eagerly . passionately , enjoying the rhythmic bobbing of his massive organ and the salt taste of his skin .
Anyway , this goes on for a couple more pages of equally terrible prose . Not to mention the fact they go all anal on us , and there's no word of lube - which is always bad news , but especially when its your first time , and extra especially when you're dealing with a giant caveman cock . And then after that it goes back to be a normal book .
One thing we can all learn though , if you ever want to describe a sexual encounter and make it really hot
1. Make sure you know how many meters apart you were
2. Mention the glans , people love glans(es)
3. Saltiness is always a crowd pleaser
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Come on folks , where's the end of the world debauchery I was counting on ?
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Posted:Feb 29, 2012 4:24 pm
Last Updated:Feb 29, 2012 6:42 pm
84885 Views
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As I'm sure you all know this is the last year ever - the Mayan calender runs out and this world comes to and end . No one seems to be talking about the fact that a new world will take its place - I guess since we'll all be dead people aren't super pumped about the new world . Which is a shame because the next world is going to have magic and dragons and whatnot - its going to be pretty killer . And not sissy Harry Potter style magic either - the good kind .
But that's not what I want to talk about - what I walk to talk about is the fact that the world is ending but people don't seem to be taking advantage of it . This is your chance to flip out people and throw morals and ethics straight out the window . Where are the massive orgies ? Where is all the uninhibited end of the world , fuck like you mean it , sex ? I'm not going to lie to you , I was counting on this end of the world thing to prime the pump a little bit when it comes to my social agenda with the ladies . But people are just acting normal . What gives ?
Do you not believe the Mayans ? Because that is straight up foolishness yo . The Mayans invented the number zero . Invented it . Think about that for a second . Before the Mayans there was no zero . Let that sink in . Before the Mayans a dude like me could have rolled up on you and said ;
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum ishi krimpatul
Translated from Mayan - How many blowjobs will you give me right now ?
And you would have had to have said at least one - because there was no zero ! And (spoiler alert) one is exactly how many blowjobs I would have wanted . So the Mayans did you a huge favor by inventing the number zero . And is also important in math somehow .
Are you telling me that the people that invented the number zero couldn't predict the end of the world ? Because that's the kind of credential you can't swing a bad of dicks at .
- Tangent alert -
I'm trying to get the expression "swing a bag of dicks at" to replace "shake a stick at" so please spread that around . But I do wonder , how many dicks = a bagful ? Is six dicks in a pillowcase a "bag of dicks" ? How many does it take ? And if there was a person running around out there chopping off dicks and putting them in a bag and the police caught them , showed up at your door with the bag and said "Which one is yours ?" would you be able to pick you dick out of the pile ? I doubt I could , they're all pretty much the same . And even if you could , would you have the doctors sew your own dick back on or would you just pick the biggest one in the pile ?
So many questions
- Tangent complete -
The Mayans knew their stuff see . Need more proof ? They predicted that the 1st world would end when everyone was eaten by jaguars . That happened . They said the second world would be destroyed by a hurricane . And it was . 3rd world , rain of fire . Check . 4th world , flood . Check (its in the Bible) . 5th world , earthquake . Correct again . So what makes you think they're going to be wrong about the 6th world (that's the one we're in now for those of you playing along at home) .
So let's get it going people ! The world is ending for Pete's sake , lets get screwing ! We've only got 8 more months to get in all the sex you can for the rest of eternity . Eternity people . Drop those drawers . Its the right thing to do .
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My name is 40Deuce , I'm 34 years old and I don't know what 3rd base is
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Posted:Feb 28, 2012 5:14 pm
Last Updated:Feb 29, 2012 4:25 pm
86039 Views
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In my long and illustrious sexual shenanigans , in which I've gotten totally nude and did "stuff" with literally ones of sexy ladies , I have never been able to figure out the whole baseball/sex metaphor . Part of if it is probably because I hate baseball . A lot . But also probably some of if is my own obliviousness . I don't feel so bad because I've asked plenty of ladies and they didn't know either . Plus I'm sure these days don't even use this metaphor anymore , but I would like to know . Here's what I've figured out ;
1st Base - Kissing (Can be nice for a while but my lips start to vibrate and feel really weird after a couple minutes)
2nd Base - Boobytown (A lovely gated community that I wish I could visit more , but I'm not the sort they let into those fancy establishments very often)
3rd Base - ?
Home Base - Combining to form Voltron (as the say)
The less said about 5th base the better . So obviously I'm missing something . Some people say that 3rd base is the same as 2nd , only under the shirt/bare breasted . Others say that its touching home base but not actually going all the way . I find neither of these explanations plausible . Look at the evidence - a clear line is formed down the body .
You go from the lips , to the chest , to the other lips . And what's in between ? The belly button ? 3rd base is the belly button ?
Sick
Seriously you people are messed up . I have nothing against the belly button per say , but I don't want to have sex with it either . Or really mess with it at all . You know that's basically an umbilical hole right ? And you're working that into your love making ? I kind of want to throw up right now . Not that I'm judging you belly button humping weirdos - this is America , you do your thing . But I want no part of your dirty dealings - even though I would defend to my death your right to deal them .
Are there any other logical possibilities ? Well , a baseball field is a diamond , so if the lips are first base base maybe the left boob is 2nd base and the vagina is 3rd ? But then the right breast would be home base , which doesn't make a lot of sense if you think about it .
"Dude , I'm totally sliding into home base tonight bra !"
"But you've already had sex a bunch of times ."
"Yeah , but tonight I'm gonna tough her other titty !"
"Score broheim , score"
Just doesn't seem right . So maybe kissing isn't first base ? Eye contact maybe ? Seems pretty weak , but it does keep in fitting with the pattern . Start at the eyes , down to the mouth , down to the boobs , down to moma's silk purse (as the are saying) . Seems logical , but I doubt that its .
Anyway , if you want to enlighten me please include a diagram and/or schematic of some type .
Thanks in advance
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Its Leap Day Eve - do you know where you fancy undergarments are ?
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Posted:Feb 28, 2012 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2012 6:58 pm
85704 Views
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We all know the story of Christmas , how Jesus died saving Santa from his Iraqi captors after his sleigh went down in Baghdad . We all know the story of Thanksgiving , how Abraham Lincoln killed the master vampire and saved all the Southerns from their blood curse . But how many people know the story of Leap Day ? Gather round and let me tell you the tale of Leap Day .
Leap Day was been celebrated long before the rise of humanity by the Great Red Ape and his enslaved Martian minions , but I'm going to tell you about the modern celebration of Leap Day as we know it . It began in early 2004 at West Point Academy of all places with a failed panty raid . It wasn't a very happy Leap Day that year , for many were killed .
Company Commander Roger Phillips , a junior at the academy at the time , was among the injured . At the time we reported in a full-body cast , after he fell from a third-story window after he was wounded by a bayonet thrust in the tomfoolery .
"A bunch of us were goofing around after lights-out, and we started daring each other to sneak into Bartlett Hall and steal some of the girls' underwear ," Phillips said . "I guess , as a result of our training , we just can't help but think strategically . Before we knew it , the whole panty raid had somehow turned into a meticulously planned 16-man undergarment-acquisition mission and reconnaissance force ."
According to sources within the academy, male cadets crossed the borders of "women's country" at 2115 hours Monday for a carefully coordinated prank strike on Room 245's personal-underclothes storage facilities . The female cadets , alerted to the coming attack by unsuppressed laughter , were able to put up a solid defense . Before the raiding party reached panty-lock-on range, the female cadets laid down a curtain of machine-gun fire and fell into defensive positions inside their barracks .
"We met with an unexpectedly high level of resistance and spunkiness from the female cadets ," Phillips said . "The women engaged us with close-quarters skirmish tactics , and we were forced to drop smoke charges to cover our retreat . We withdrew, pantyless , to an adjoining hall , where we were able to regroup ."
"I take full responsibility for the hijinks-related combat fatalities ," he added .
Phillips noted that the female cadets' resistance was in the "finest tradition of the service ."
The women's accounts confirm Phillips' description of the incident.
"They neutralized our sentry early , through sheer numbers ," said Battalion Leader Joanna Russell , who received the Purple Heart, the Bronze Star, and 10 demerits for her part in repelling the panty raiders . "But once we had beaten back the first wave with small-arms fire and consolidated our strength around the footlockers , it was only a matter of waiting them out . We knew they'd be back , primarily because they hadn't gotten to the panties yet , but also because they'd left [sophomore] Bernie [Holman] gut-shot and bleeding in the hallway . The boys may be a bunch of immature idiots , but they'd never leave a downed man behind ."
But from this tragic incident of deadly horseplay came the tradition of stealing underwear on Leap Day that we all enjoy today . Now , everyone knows that the goal of Leap Day is to steal the most expensive underthings that you can find - but do you know why ?
Why its because of the Leap Day Septineybra of course !
The Leap Day Septinebra is a magical horrifying creature that lives in the Gulf of Mexico and comes out every Leap Day to devour the genitals and fingernails of those wicked souls that don't offer up sacrifices of the finest and frilliest French undergarments .
So Happy Leap Day everyone , snatch all the underwear you can - and watch out for the Septineybra !
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Australia - Horniest of nations
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 8:56 am
85410 Views
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"That dang throwing stick of yours has boomeranged on us !"
Australian guy on the Simpsons
There's a show I like called Underbelly - its pretty good if you like cop dramas and decent if you like nudity - that is from Australia and is set in New South Wales . So I'd thought I'd see what New South Wales had to offer on Senior Sizzle . I tell you what , its pretty impressive my friends . For those of you playing along at home there's been a shake up in the world hot babe rankings ;
1. New South Wales , Australia
2. Alberta , Canada
3. Poitou-Charentes , France
4. North Carolina , United States of America
5. Santa Catarina , Brazil
Australia coming out of nowhere to seize control of the sexiest women power rankings - shocking the world . However that's not what I want to talk about . What I want to talk about is the sheer number of Australians on Senior Sizzle . Over a million . Doesn't seem like much right ? But there's only 20 million people in the whole country - and honestly I'm sure the census takers counted a couple wallbies in there to pad the numbers . I haven't been to Australia since I was a , but I'd bet you dollars to donuts there's only half that many people there at best .
So the per capita number is staggering - Australia by a wide margin has the highest % of people looking for love (and you know what I mean by love) on Senior Sizzle . My hat is off to you kangaroo loving descendants of criminals - you are out there getting it done my friends . I salute you and your horniness .
But check this out fools , I talked to the webmaster for Senior Sizzle and here's the kickers - 99% of those profiles are real . We Yanks are rocking a 30% rate and I think he was being generous there - REAL generous . So the gap is even greater . Those boomerang throwing perverts must be getting it on all the time ! I envy them and their entire free-wheeling , free-swinging , wheel-swinging , balls deep attitude .
You figjams can hold your heads up high knowing that you are the mightiest of nations when it comes to the sexy sex . Economically and politically you may be all but irrelevant , but you are the champions of deep dicking it seems . Am I jealous ? Of course . And I take no solace in the fact that the US has overtaken you in exporting tin and copper . None whatever .
And get this - they're 5th in the world when it comes to average income , a full ten spots above us poor Seppos. Not only are they having sex all the time without even trying really , they're rich as hell ; they're grinning like a shot fox they are ! Meanwhile we haven't got zack . When they're not having 10 orgasms in ten minutes they're probably rolling about in a pile of cash . Sure the Australian dollar is weaker than the US dollar , but that just means the pile is even more rich and full !
I guess what I'm saying is they're real tall poppies when it comes to rooting . And you know what ? I say well deserved Aussies - you did a hell of a job of hosting the Olympics that one time . Its not quite the same as hosting 8 times , but its not shabby , not shabby at all - especially when you were having all that sex . I guess in a way we're lucky we're so hard up for sex over here - gives us time to get things done . Like inventing the internet . If you can pull your genitals apart of half a second we wouldn't mind a thank you for that . No worries , just saying - it would be nice .
So , in conclusion - Australia , champion of the intercourse , I take off my hat to you and your glorious deviant ways .
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ConfirmID (is my identity as good as stolen ?)
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Posted:Feb 27, 2012 4:44 pm
Last Updated:Mar 3, 2012 11:39 am
84358 Views
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I sent off my information to confirm my identity a few weeks back and haven't received anything yet . Anyone done it ? How long did it take ?
How soon before some scammer ruins my credit ?
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Is my penis mentally challenged ? (aka tears of a dick)
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Posted:Feb 26, 2012 12:31 pm
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2012 12:31 pm
85027 Views
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I've wondered about this for a long time and I think I have to admit at this point that it is . Its not an easy admission , but the evidence is fairly overwhelming . Let me ask you a question - is this Adriana Lima's vagina ?
If you answered "No" you are correct . You know who fails that test every time ? My penis . EVERY time . Its getting to the point where its just more sad that anything . But as damning as this evidence is that's not the worst of it . Here's a conversation I have with my penis every DAMN day .
40Penis - Hey , that girl smiled at us , get these pants off - its go time !
40Deuce - No penis , that's not how it works - I've told you that a million times .
40Penis - No , no , she wants me bad - quick get me out ! She's leaving , now , now !
40Deuce - Calm down penis , a lady smiling does not mean its time for sex .
40Penis - Yes it does , hurry ! She's walking away but I can still get there if you release me from my bondage right now !
40Deuce - Sometimes I hate you penis
Every day for the last 20 years . I am sick and tired of having this conversation , but you know what ? I'm going to have it again tomorrow - I know that . And the day after that . For the rest of my life . Don't get me wrong , I love my mentally challenged penis , but seriously its a heavy burden to carry . Sometimes I just want a break from my mentally challenged penis . Why just today I was browsing through the profiles here on Senior Sizzle ;
40Penis - Hey , e-mail that lady ! Get here over here now and we can screw like mad !
40Deuce - Its not that easy penis , besides it clearly says that she doesn't want anyone with less than a 9 inch cock .
40Penis - That's great , I'm like 15 inches long at least - and the girth ? Forget about it .
40Deuce - No you're not penis .
40Penis - How do you even know ? You've never measured me - I could be 15 inches long .
40Deuce - Trust me on this one penis , you're not .
I hate the break the little guy's heart like that , but it has to be done . Mentally challenged or not I don't want him going through life thinking he's something he's not - I want him to be proud of who he is .
I'm not saying he doesn't have his good points , I just can't pretend he's that smart anymore - he's just not . And you know what ? That's okay . My penis may not be the smartest , but he's kind and loyal and has a gentle soul . My penis is the kind of who give you the foreskin off his back . My penis is the kind that won't abandon you in a time of need . So what if he's dumb - he means well . And that is all that matters , I don't care what anyone says .
Now , if you'll excuse me , I think Adriana Lima is coming to visit a very special someone .
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What's good for the goose is good for the gander (aka the old switcheroo)
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Posted:Feb 25, 2012 7:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:48 pm
84389 Views
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The ladies of the Senior Sizzle universe complain about getting pictures of guys cocks shoved in their faces all the time , and rightfully so I would say . However , I think this is a golden rule situation - you're going to have to meet us halfway . What I'm saying is I'm tired of all the close up profile pics of vaginas . Let me repeat that ;
I am sick of seeing pussies
Its a shocking admission I know . If you came to me when I was but a wee lad and said "40 one day you're going to see so many pussies that they're going to start freaking you out" I would have laughed directly in your face - probably spraying a little spittle on you , which is gross . But its true , I want to see face pics - I've seen enough vagina at EXTREME close range to last me my next 7 or eight lifetimes .
Now , I say this as a man who once wrote this ;
"I stand before you today accused of wrongdoing, with my reputation called into question before the entire community. But in truth, I am no more guilty of a crime than any other man in this courtroom.
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say today on behalf of all mankind: If wanting to see vaginas is a crime, then I am guilty of that crime. And if going to great lengths to find unblinded windows or drill peepholes through which vaginas may be plainly observed elevates that crime from a misdemeanor to a multi-count felony, then I plead no contest.
But before you pass judgment on me, look into your own hearts. Is there a man among us, here in this hall of so-called "justice," that does not also desire to see vaginas? Does any one of you not admire their natural, flowerlike perfection, or not enjoy the sexual urges they conjure deep within your being?
Then why drag me into this august chamber and put my future in jeopardy for wanting nothing but the same? The only difference between us is that I acted upon the conviction of my beliefs, whereas you stood by and did nothing. And, in doing nothing, missed out on seeing a lot of amazing vaginas.
Is not the pursuit of happiness a fundamental right promised by our nation's own Declaration of Independence? Well, what could make any man happier than to see a myriad of young vaginas, in a group shower, lovingly hand-lathered to a state of moist, soapy perfection? Is that not what our founding fathers themselves envisioned so many years ago?
Yet here in this courtroom, we act as if the glory of the vagina is something to be hidden from public view. And in so doing, we veil the most rapturous wonder of creation under ignorance, repression, hosiery, and outerwear. Not unlike the conservative poly-knit skirt worn by the prosecuting attorney, who, I might add, is a very attractive woman."
But enough is enough . I can't take it anymore . Honestly these days I'm much more likely to want to see the featureless gray silhouette that another vagina being held open from 2 inches away . But what I really want is to see your face - so you know , I can actually think maybe you're a human being and not just an engorged pair of lips and a clit .
Maybe I'm alone on this , maybe I'm betraying my gender (no big loss really) , maybe all the other dudes on here want nothing more than to leaf through millions of vaginas all day every day . But I get , I've seen it all , you can stop now .
Now , don't get me wrong - what I'm saying is I don't want to see anymore PICTURES of vaginas . I still very much would like to see them in real life (maybe even touch them ? No , that's asking too much) , although its been so long at this point I'm not sure that's a real thing anymore .
So , in conclusion if you don't mind , please stop with the pictures of your pussy - or could you at least move your photo album around and not make the pussy your profile pic ? I would really appreciate it . Thanks in advance .
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Free will : Illusion or myth ? (or fiction)
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Posted:Feb 24, 2012 12:36 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 6:16 pm
86370 Views
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Part 1 - God
I believe in god , but there's one thing that's always bothered me and it goes by the name of omniscience . Seems like God should know everything right ? I mean if you're going to create a universe (or universes) you should probably know what's going to happen if you toss two cosmic bodies together . Seems reasonable that god would be omniscient . But if God knows everything I'm going to do before I do it in what sense do I have free will ? I had bran flakes for breakfast this morning (sexy bran flakes) but in theory I could have had toast , or a bagel , or a donut , or not had breakfast at all . God knew that I was going to have bran flakes , and knew it billions of years ago . So if I didn't have bran flakes when God would have been wrong - which is impossible . Therefore I had to have chosen bran flakes - so really there was no choice at all .
I like believing in god , but I also like to think that I have free will - its hard to reconcile the two concepts though . Without free will nothing matters . If I got up tomorrow and went a killing rampage it wouldn't really mean anything because that is what was destined to happen . All the events of my life - and everyone's lives have been mapped out since the dawn of time itself . There's no such thing as good or evil . I can't believe that . One my friends who is smart tried to explain to me that foreknowledge of an event has no more impact on it than postknowledge but I didn't get it . Also he doesn't believe in god and I know that he knows how important my belief is so I think he was just trying to make me feel better .
To put it another way if Angelina Jolie , Catherine Zeta-Jones , and your mom showed up at my door and I had to pick one of them to have sex with . Either ;
A) God has known since the beginning of time I'd be balls deep in your mom , in which case I really had no choice at all
OR
B ) God was completely shocked upon seeing me going to town on your mom , which flies in the face of the whole God concept
Part 2 - Science
Now some of you are probably saying "But 40 , I'm a dirty atheist , I don't believe in nothing - that means I have free will right ?" Sorry , but science is an even more cruel master than God . The more we learn about biochemistry and the way the human brain works , the more and more it seems that we're merely biological robots following the programming in our DNA . Check this out ;
Depressed ? Take a pill and you're not
Can't sleep ? Take a pill and you can
Can't pay attention ? Pill
Anger issues ? Pill
Anxiety ? Pill
Too happy ? Pill
You might be saying "But 40 , those are all subversions of chemical processes that we CHOOSE to undergo , you've made my argument for me ." Wrong again . All those things work because they're cause by chemical reactions in the brain in the first place . Sadness ? They know what causes that . Love ? They know what causes that . Whatever you got going on its just output from the computer that is your brain . You didn't write the program , you didn't even get to hit Return - you're just the machine .
If they so choose a team of pharmacologists could feed you pills and give you injections and made you act or be anyone they wanted - and that would be no different from the way your brain works right now . You don't choose your likes and dislikes anymore than you choose the shape of your spleen .
To put it another way , if Scarlet Johansen , Kirsten Bell and your mom showed up on my door step - well , you get the idea ; I'm boning your mom because of biochemistry not any real choice .
God's looking pretty good now eh ?
Part 3 - Battlestar Galactica
I loved that show at first , but it ended up sucking bad in the end . This has nothing to do with free will , just thought I'd mention it - lighten the mood a little .
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6 Reasons Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think
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Posted:Feb 23, 2012 6:17 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2012 6:27 am
85950 Views
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#6.You are No Porn Star
For some reason real porn makes us want to make amateur porn. But look at amateur porn. Look at Screech for God's sake. Like a malnourished, shaven orangutan, he brings nothing to the table. In real porn, actors and actresses are chosen from the finest broken homes in the Midwest and given top of the line plastic surgery and full body make up. Have you ever heard of asshole bleaching? Porn stars do that. A porn star is so dedicated to their job that, when given some constructive criticism on set like, "Hey, Starla, I noticed your anus is looking a bit on the dingy side, maybe look into that?" they make a mental note to visit the ass bleaching salon later in the day and have a stranger apply some manner of pigment-reducing spackle to their crapper. Right on the hole.
While their asses look like sparkling puckers of sanitation and delight, fashioned from the finest alabaster and stank, mine looks like the Sarlacc that ate Boba Fett. It has no business on camera and chances are yours will be just as atrocious. You could always bend over in front of a mirror and try to gauge where yours stands, but you'll probably need at least one other present for a comparison. In the end you'll probably just depress yourself.
Other areas you may want to reconsider showing on camera include the underside of your sack, the front of your sack, any parts of you covered in hair and the back of your head if you have one of those weird skin folds. You know those things? It's like a dinner roll of head flesh. Just off putting, that is.
#5.Porn Sex isn't Real Sex
The thing about porn sex is that it's designed specifically to be filmed. Like have you ever noticed how often dudes get into the most horribly uncomfortable looking positions? That's to accommodate a sweaty man with a large camera who wants to perform an unlicensed colonoscopy or some other manner of internal review with a fish-eye lens. So we're given a wide array of shots and angles that necessitate the performers humping around corners and engaging in visually stunning but horribly unfulfilling maneuvers.
True story: Back in aught-6 I was inspired after viewing some adult cinema to try sex standing up. Like the kind where you just pick the woman right up and hold her there like some kind of bag of hump potatoes. What was I thinking? I work at a computer all day, my whole body has atrophied to pudding. To this day my back has not healed and there's still a dent in the drywall from my head.
Porn inspires you to do stupid sex. Sex that doesn't really feel good but we're convinced is awesome because porn stars seem to love it. But you could give a porn star $20 and a sandwich and she'd fake an orgasm over Weetabix. And it'd be wild too. She'd call Weetabix a and tell it to spank her. Wish I had some Weetabix...
You break out the camera and you think you're going to capture unchained passion but really you're probably just going to catch your goodie bag jiggling like a cat toy made from bologna.
#4.You Have Poor Equipment
Some people like amateur porn because of its "grittiness"; which is like enjoying authentic Central American water for the dysentery. Porn has to have some quality for it to be good. Real porn is on a sound stage, or at least some dude's backyard, there's lighting and sound equipment and the camera probably didn't come from the Wal-Mart electronics department.
Have you ever been in a public restroom when an overweight man in a hurry comes in? And you're forced to take the next stall and just sit in silent horror and listen as he tries to both get comfortable and stave off an aneurysm? Why is there is much heavy breathing? And squishing? And then wet plops. That's what homemade porn sounds like.
Lighting is one of the most underappreciated aspects of filmmaking. If not for lighting, those pristine, fake boobies that make legit porn so enthralling would look like the decrepit peaks of Mordor. But they don't, do they? No sir, they look delightful. But under your Simpsons novelty lamp they and your ass are going to look flatter than piss on a plate and marred with creeping black shadows.
#3.Porn Has Editors
Probably there weren't a lot of people back in film school learning how to chop and master film reel who were hoping one day to use their talents to string together a series of scenes featuring midgets running a train on a middle-aged lady, but not everyone gets to live their dream. But the fact is they're still working and their work is important.
Thanks to editors, you rarely ever have to watch the action in a porno screech to a halt because someone ate chili last night and now has the wind something fierce.
Something else to avoid before sex.
Thanks to editors, when the lead actress starts weeping, softly at first, and then full on tears of desolation and panic, you're instead treated to stock footage of vigorous thrusting.
Thanks to editors, when the lead actor suddenly realizes his parents never loved him and his willy sinks like the future of a family signing up for a subprime mortgage, you never see it. You just see him when he comes back full of blow and Viagra and is ready to rage hump his abandonment issues away.
And if you had an editor, you'd never have to see the full 10-minute sequence when the camera tumbles off the stack of books you put it on so that instead of hot, enticing coitus, all you filmed was a sideways view of the game of peek-a-boo your hairy ass cheeks play as they bob in and out of frame.
Your Star Wars webcam isn't as stable as you think.
#2.Porn Ends
Unbelievable though it may be, someone writes porn. They do all that stuff on purpose. There's a dude who has to wake up every morning, get his coffee, sit at a computer and tap his brain to think up a novel new way for a pool cleaner named Mandingo to work off a debt to a woman with breasts that are actually perfectly spherical.
So a porno has a natural (more or less) ending. The gritty detective humped all the suspects and it turns out they all did it, so they get humped again in prison. Or Humplestiltskin shows up to collect his prize but the woman knows his real name and yells "Humplestiltskin" and then they hump. Or the naked cowboy rides off into the sunset with his trusty sidekick Poke-a-hotass. And they hump.
How do you end your sex tape? There's only one way to end a sex tape, with an awkward moment of post-coital repartee. Like maybe you'll climb off and be all "Cut!" and man will that be hilarious. Or you'll both giggle and look at the camera and rattle off a moist high five. And in that one moment as you shut down the tape it will negate the entire previous endeavor, reducing it to nothing more than a soulless, empty chore, the emotionless puppet of sex, all in an effort to capture a faint glimpse of your own humanity on tape. You poor soul. Plus you have the chance to realize you taped over last Christmas' family get together so you could be going from full-on ugly bumping to grandma pouring egg nog in a span of seconds. That's totally fucked up.
#1.Porn Has Purpose
Beyond inspiring you to take Herman to the circus, porn has another goal and that is raking in the fat cash. Do you know how much money porn makes every year? According to my research, it's a fuckload. Both literally and figuratively. So porn is crafted to be cheap, efficient and plentiful when done by the pros. All the women are hot, all the guys are, you know, present, and none of the scenarios require you to think.
But what do you do with homemade porn? Professionals release it to the masses and then have conventions where the creepiest people alive show up to get autographs and only the bravest or most foolhardy dare go to the washroom. If you have designs on becoming a porn star, you could sell it to a production company who will probably give you a few hundred for it, along with the knowledge that anyone you pass on the street for the rest of your life could know what your O face looks like.
You could keep it and hope friends and family never find it, so long as you know they will. Someone always will. You can't keep a mysterious unlabelled video or disc sitting around and not expect someone to stumble upon it and not think "I bet this is homemade porn" because that's what everyone will think. Your aged grandmother, the one who's pouring the egg nog at the end of your home porno? She's going to be going through your cupboards one day trying to dust your shit and see that DVD sitting there and she'll briefly ponder trying to put it on a record player, not even understanding what's going on, just knowing that something in her decrepit, ready-to-be-horrified DNA is insisting she see what's on that disc.
You're going to kill your grandmother.
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