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| Blogs > rm_chanda69 > closet freak |
why be a sub?
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why be a sub? some may call this cheating, but as i have stated before i dont have a lot of free time on here. so i'm "copy & pasting" a blog i have on alt. just some more insight into me... i've been doing some research lately, & have been trying to figure myself out, as i relate to the lifestyle. i was on a website by Peter Masters today, & according to His philosophy, i am not a "slave" as i thought i might be. i do have a lot of interest in Gor scenes, but don't have a compulsion to submit. i do think i am an immediate & psychological submissive(in His context) i have also been thinking alot about when this first began for me. i remember seeing a poster at a friends' ( i think it was van halen) in it was a blond woman on her knees, hands cuffed above her head to a chain link fence. i was shocked & aroused at the same time, even though i was only 14 & didn't really understand arousal yet. i was raised in a house where we didn't talk about sex even in private whispers-(southern baptist) so i was very confused. there have been several partners i have dabbled around with a swat on the bottom, or "tying up"- nothing that couldn't be slipped out of without effort. but these encounters always left me feeling teased, like sex without orgasm. i just knew there was something more i wanted. i had one lover in my mid 20's that got close; i think he understood my need to be controlled on some level. sometimes he would tell me to be silent or he would stop whatever he was doing. if i made even the slightest sound, he would get up without a word & go light a cigarette. so i would be writhing in frustration, begging him to please come back to bed & i would be quiet. he would eventually come back, telling me that if i did it again he was done with me for the night, & he would make me watch him finish himself off. then he would take me with a vengeance as if daring me to so much as sigh! it was such exquisite torture! other times he would go through the same drill only i could make noise but not move! i have wondered what it is that makes us desire to submit. is it a childhood experience, or something deeper? i have often wondered if, in my own case, could it be connected to the Gor books i read in my late teens. i had a best friend & lover at the time that i was very much in love with (he didn't know i felt like THAT) who loaned me 3 of the early novels after watching a Conan movie with me. well i was hooked. He went off to the army for 4 years, & when He came back i had 20 of the series. so did getting the books from Him put the suggestion in my head, or did He just give me direction? coincidentally, He is the L.G. i have spoken of here(alt) before. when He came back from the army i had already had a 1.5 X 2 in. sterling silver plate engraved with His symbol, & intended to offer myself to Him to be collared. but life happened & i never had the chance. i still have nights that i imagine the feel of the leather, & hear the click of the lock. one day i will wear His brand. but that's another story..... XXXOOOXXXchanda |
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5/18/2006 9:38 pm |
Hello Gary here I loved yourf article as well as your profile. I know you said not into online chatting much but would love to try it with you to see if we could ocassionally chat on the phone about your desires. If interested just let me know.
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Hi a rambleing story ok so where in the western part of the state are you ?
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i forget what ive written where! L.G. stands for "Lord God King Emperor of the Known Universe" - what a very dear friend used to stand cross His arms & say after totally whipping a group of us at RISK. He also happens to be the one spoken of in my first blog here. i have written about Him several times on alt, but forgot i hadn't mentioned Him by "name" here. as for the "why'- it really doesn't matter- just musing. i used to spend a lot of energy denying that part of me, thinking it a sign of weakness, but after spending a lot of time doing "mans work" i no longer feel the need to prove myself, & have come to believe that being true to oneself even in the face of possible scorn is a true sign of strength. being able to honestly revel in ones true nature, regardless of the opinions of others is joy. XXXOOOXXXchanda
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well i feel honored! so pleased to see you here, and at this hour after your exploits of last evening!the idea that there were others more experienced & intellectual(?) than myself is what drew me here in the first place 2 years ago. i only discovered the blogs a month ago, & have found a lot of information. i think for me leaving the whys was a matter of maturity, & deciding that allowing the rotten things said to me in years past to influence me, was a subconscious way of laying the blame for my actions on the speaker. & by it being his fault, i didn't have to feel responsible for my own emotions, & didn't have to face my own faults. now i can say that my emotions are MINE, even if you dint like them, or i don't like them, & being responsible for my own happiness(or allowing myself to have sorrow) is more liberating than breaking any chains, physical or emotional. now that Ive had my soap box moment for the morning, i hope to see you here again soon! XXXOOOXXX chanda XXXOOOXXXchanda
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well i feel honored! so pleased to see you here, and at this hour after your exploits of last evening! the idea that there were others more experienced & intellectual(?) than myself is what drew me here in the first place 2 years ago. i only discovered the blogs a month ago, & have found a lot of information. i think for me leaving the whys was a matter of maturity, & deciding that allowing the rotten things said to me in years past to influence me, was a subconscious way of laying the blame for my actions on the speaker. & by it being his fault, i didn't have to feel responsible for my own emotions, & didn't have to face my own faults. now i can say that my emotions are MINE, even if you don't like them, or i don't like them, & being responsible for my own happiness(or allowing myself to have sorrow) is more liberating than breaking any chains, physical or emotional. now that Ive had my soap box moment for the morning, i hope to see you here again soon! XXXOOOXXX chanda XXXOOOXXXchanda
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