Before you roll your eyes, snap your fingers, and say: “Oh no he didn’t!” listen to what I want: • I want a girl who knows what’s good for her. Seriously. If I ever give you that look you should apologize, be quiet, and give me what I want if you know what’s good for you. • A girl who can drive fast. I know it sounds like a contradiction that I want a girl who can drive, but seriously—Banks don’t rob themselves, and I sometimes I need money. A Danica Patrick would be worth her weight in money for my purposes. • A girl who is a talented mime. Better yet, a mute. Women should be seen, not heard. • Don’t use bad grammar. "U r fun I lik u lol ttyl" is not a sentence. I already read and write on a third grade level so I am good with the “big” words. • If you already have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband that’s a plus. He can provide you with food, shelter, clothing and gifts. He can take you to the mall to try on 1000 pairs of pants just to leave with nothing. All I want is my money. And if I am feeling like rewarding you, then he can hold the camera. • Lastly, if you cannot tell that everything above was all a big joke then I feel sorry for you. Really. I. Am. Sorry. That’s it for now. I’m done.