Faithful - To Myself ...  

trixietrixster 54F  
3364 posts
12/11/2017 5:17 am
Faithful - To Myself ...

At 50 years young, I have been on this plane of existence for half a century. As the days progress, new "flaws" comes to pass. Or, perhaps, they are the ones never noticed before. The ones SOCIETY shoves down our throats on a daily basis in social media. Commercials - TV - movies - radio - the web. Even at bars/clubs and recreational events. There's really no escaping it. Kinda like when I was a little girl and my mom forced me to eat LIVER, making a trip to the PORCELAIN GODDESS INEVITABLE ...

*CAVEAT: Not being anywhere near perfect, those "lapse of judgment" moments, can and do happen, brought on by a specific circumstance/situation/person. And, this one was really unpleasant. Exercising FREE WILL, I made the decision to do this. There wasn't a madman holding a gun to my head. I OWN my choices - good - bad - indifferent. And, I do my best to LEARN from the from each of them ...

Several months back, I went to one of those places to see bout getting an eye job. I talked to the woman for a bit, then she left and I watched this video on how THEY WILL MAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL - how you can - once again - become beautiful. I've never considered myself of that nature. Not in my younger years, not currently. NOT EVER. At best, I'm the "cute as a button", type, which suits me just fine. Afterwards, the woman came in, sat me in a chair in front of a mirror, which is, of course, INTENTIONALLY DESIGNED to MAKE one SEE the WORSE in THEMSELVES. She gave me the pitch bout how my crow's feet will disappear - how my eyelids won't "droop" - among other things. Then, she casually mentioned how I should consider "AN ENTIRE FACE LIFT". My cheeks are this. My chin is that. And, apparently, my forehead is pretty fucking horrid too. For nearly half an hour so, which seemed like fucking forever, I watched in the mirror as she manipulated my face with her hands. I LISTENED as she MANIPULATED my MIND with her WORDS ...

Then, as the contract comes out, she reminds me, how I, once again, can be one of the "beautiful people", you know, CONSIDERING my AGE. And, how the "whole world will open up" for me. More job opps - more relationship opps. Pretty much a better life overall. Cause, "knowing" me for all of like 45 MINUTES, she can tell just how much my life totally fucking sucks. All I have to do is sign this - just one tiny little piece of paper. Then, to top off my dwindling self-esteem, this: "we also have referrals for WEIGHT ISSUES", she says to me while sauntering round in her size 6 dress. (Yes, she was very OUTWARDLY ATTRACTIVE, tho her INNARDS not so much). Perfect - throw BODY SHAMING into the mix, another EPIDEMIC in the world in which we live. Like seriously?! Not everyone's body chemical makeup is geared towards society's version of what beauty LOOKS LIKE - of what beauty SHOULD BE - of what beauty IS. For me, my auto immune disease is a huge factor, and modern meds have only added to the issue. My weight can easily fluctuate by bout 15 pounds. This can occur within a 6 month period - or a period of a few weeks (and, yes, I already workout and happy meals aren't on my food list) ...

I left not signing anything, for numerous reasons. Tho, what I did do is this: cried all the way home. Hard to drive thru tears - had to pull over until I was able to compose myself. To control my breathing, so I wouldn't go into a panic attack. What I did do was my best not to WALK by a MIRROR - for WEEKS. If I couldn't avoid one, I'd cry when I looked into it. Sometimes, just for a few minutes. Other times, sad tears would stream down my face for hours. The worse was when I wanted to destroy the full length mirror in my personal room, which I use to dress and stuff. Knowing I could never get away with that, I turned my attention to my lit up make up mirror, sitting on the table. Wishing so badly for it to "accidentally" crash to the floor - shatter into trillion pieces - along with the face looking back thru it. Tho, unlike humpy dumpy, NEVER to be picked up and pieced back together. Since it wasn't going to fall on its own power, I kinda sorta helped it along. Staring at the pieces of glass, a slew of tiny machetes of the MENTAL internal kind twisting into my BARE FLESH. Cutting my insides open - blood - bad blood - pouring out from my soul. Lots of it ...

My therapist (a lot of people have a therapist - for any number of reasons), she suggested only one thing: I put together a "MANTRA" for every day of the week. As hard as this was to do, the next step was even more fucked. Every morning and nite, while looking into a MIRROR repeat the days mantra 3 TIMES. "K" had no clue to the extent of what she was asking of me. "No, that's incorrect", she stated, "I'm not asking this of you. What I am doing is simply giving YOU the TOOLS - the COURAGE and STRENGTH - to GIVE yourself permission to ALLOW you to ask this of YOURSELF" ...

The task was huge - one DAY at a time. One SECOND at a time, if that is what I had to do to MAKE IT THRU. Little by little, I allowed myself to get a glimpse of me (or, is it I allowed me to get a glimpse of myself) in the bathroom mirror and started doing the mantra thingy. On days that I told myself I had to be brave, I scarfed down mega doses of courage cereal, so that I could intentionally be able to view myself in the full length mirror, so that I could be okies with seeing my reflection. As the weeks passed - which turned into just bout 2 MONTHS - thoughts of this not so stellar life choice started to dissipate. Only remnants remained, tucked away in a place that I could live with. My MIND letting go, it became just a distant and faded memory. The rest of me moved on ...

The FACE that tells the STORY of ME in THIS LIFETIME. The face that has laff lines - reminding me of the amount of times I've laffed so hard I couldn't breathe - that my tummy hurt. The face that has eye wrinkles, reminders of the amount of times that I had to squint to see expiration dates on coupons to save a buck or two. Or, the amount of times I had to read labels on food products to make sure they don't contain wheat/gluten. My nose that the mean girls in skool used to make fun of - why? Just cause they could ...

The BODY that tells the STORY of ME in THIS LIFETIME. The scars that I gave to myself, wanting so badly to escape at times. The scars that others gave me. The luv handles - the thick thighs. The scar on my knee from when I tripped on campus and ripped my jeans and bloody up my knee, which turned into a tiny little heart. The natural boobs that aren't exactly perky these days. The auto immune disease that I am plagued with, that pretty much is destroying my entire system, it's conquests visible on my outer shell ...

All these little reminders and more show that I've LIVED LIFE - not just sat on the sidelines and watched it go by. They show that I am not only a DEMON SLAYER of those who HARMED ME, tho, also to my OWN PERSONAL DEMONS. They show that I am a SURVIVOR ...

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUNG ISN'T A PLACE OR THING - IT'S NOT TANGIBLE ON THE PHYSICAL PLANE. It's not found on a map, or thru GPS. It can't be touched - seen - tasted - smelled - heard. You can't drive to it, take a bus, train, plane, boat, nor see it to take a picture. You can't taste it's water, smell the droplets that pour from it, or hear it flow down ...

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH IS AN INTERNAL STATE OF BEING. It's an attitude. It's accepting and being comfy with who and what you are. It's self respect, self worth and self dignity. It's really the ONLY thing one has that can't be ripped away - unless one gives ANOTHER the POWER to do so. BEAUTY is kindness - compassion. It's the ability to luv without conditions. To luv those, who, for whatever reason, are unable to luv themselves. It's helping someone with their bags in the food store or throwing some change into a tip jar at the pizza place. BEAUTY is a smile to a passing stranger - the only one they mite see for days - if not weeks - or months. It's visiting a homeless shelter, or donating to those in need. It's running to the 24 hour CVS for cough medicine, in the middle of a blizzard. It's giving up the last glass of milk in the house so that someone else can have their cookie fix ...

While EXTERIOR BEAUTY may be the INITIAL ATTRACTION, it's the INTERNAL BEAUTY that KEEPS IT, for the only BEAUTY that is TRULY EVERLASTING comes from WITHIN ...

BEAUTY IS PERSONAL CHARACTER ...

BEAUTY IS GIVING OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S TO YOUR OWN DETRIMENT ...

I am AGING GRACEFULLY and CONTINUE to remain LOYAL to the FACE, BODY, MIND, SOUL and SPIRIT that I have CREATED ... keeping REAL and TRUE to MY OWN THINE SELF ...

P.s - thanks A F F ... my OCD doesn't so much like being sideways in my 50BD portrait for my blog ...



In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


DiscreetAffairPA 46M
214 posts
12/11/2017 6:00 am

Stay strong - I really appreciate you sharing this. Beautifully written. It's a shame that we live in a society that can be so harsh to people, women especially. You've got a wonderful, beautiful mind and body, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


Devilish462 48M
35 posts
12/11/2017 7:09 am

I appreciate your perspective and your ability to convey and articulate. You, woman, have, and have found the means to maintain, a beauty that no superficial size 6 obsessed, T.V. and magazine educated, puppet can even conceive of. True beauty. That in and of its self, is empowering, yet, it doesn't hurt that you are fortunate to be pretty as well and very " easy on the eyes"


Tmptrzz 59F  
107038 posts
12/11/2017 8:30 am

You are so very beautiful and you wrote that so very poignantly just be true to yourself that is all that matters..

Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on..


lindoboy100 59M  
23969 posts
12/11/2017 9:08 am

Ah well now McTrix, there are few things in life more beautiful than a beautiful mature woman maturing with grace......

An excellent post, beautifully well written, from the heart. Suitably impressed here m'dear!


cyclingfool 60M  
6666 posts
12/13/2017 6:21 am

Venturing out and doing some what some people would be vain things might seem selfish or fake, but sometimes they just make you feel good. If you want them to. But that does not mean you need to do them to feel good, feel or be beautiful.
You my friend from what I know via Senior Sizzle is; you are naturally beautiful and sexy.
Do the little things just because you want to and only if you want to.
Love your pic and always get that tingle when I see your pics..
Have a great day and a Merry Christmas..


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/17/2017 6:48 am

    Quoting DiscreetAffairPA:
    Stay strong - I really appreciate you sharing this. Beautifully written. It's a shame that we live in a society that can be so harsh to people, women especially. You've got a wonderful, beautiful mind and body, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
@Discreet - thanks for your kind words. Society shouldn't be focused on me (or any female) not being a size 6. Rather, sexual abuse. Or, a novel idea such as adequate and affordable healthcare. Just a thought ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


Bbwantsyou10 60M  
73 posts
12/17/2017 1:14 pm

From what I see, read, and can judge from the once or twice we've chatted, I see nothing but a beautiful intelligent woman. And honestly, what's not to like about that. You have your health, friends, and a lot of men who think you're incredibly sexy. Be happy and have a great holiday Trixie. 😘🎄
BB


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/20/2017 11:49 am

    Quoting Devilish462:
    I appreciate your perspective and your ability to convey and articulate. You, woman, have, and have found the means to maintain, a beauty that no superficial size 6 obsessed, T.V. and magazine educated, puppet can even conceive of. True beauty. That in and of its self, is empowering, yet, it doesn't hurt that you are fortunate to be pretty as well and very " easy on the eyes"
@Devilish - everything in the world is in the eye of the beholder. A matter of one's own pure perspective, which would lean towards being black/white. Not really tho - the gray area crosses rather often. I'm super duper uber touched by your words, as they were written not ever having seen my face. Cause, ya, it's really not a heart ... LOL ... I absolutely appreciate our friendship - you - in my life ... *huge squishy hugs*

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/23/2017 6:10 am

    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    You are so very beautiful and you wrote that so very poignantly just be true to yourself that is all that matters..
Tmp - aaaww, thank you, my friend. I appreciate your thoughts. And, you are amazing. On the inside and out ... *hugs"

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/24/2017 1:30 pm

    Quoting lindoboy100:
    Ah well now McTrix, there are few things in life more beautiful than a beautiful mature woman maturing with grace......

    An excellent post, beautifully well written, from the heart. Suitably impressed here m'dear!
@lindo - LOL @ McTrix - way too funny!!! Thank you ever so much for you kind words ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/25/2017 4:56 am

    Quoting cyclingfool:
    Venturing out and doing some what some people would be vain things might seem selfish or fake, but sometimes they just make you feel good. If you want them to. But that does not mean you need to do them to feel good, feel or be beautiful.
    You my friend from what I know via Senior Sizzle is; you are naturally beautiful and sexy.
    Do the little things just because you want to and only if you want to.
    Love your pic and always get that tingle when I see your pics..
    Have a great day and a Merry Christmas..
@cycling - this was my first time at trying my hand at vanity. Altho a particular situation led me there, it was my choice to continue down the walkway. So many things came of this - none of which left me happy. It actually pretty much sucked the life out of me. I won't ever be following that path again - it's highly undesirable and serves no purpose (to me). Sticking to the things that actually hold meaning and value (to me). I appreciate your thoughts. And, a very happy and healthy holiday season to you also ...


In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/26/2017 4:07 am

    Quoting Bbwantsyou10:
    From what I see, read, and can judge from the once or twice we've chatted, I see nothing but a beautiful intelligent woman. And honestly, what's not to like about that. You have your health, friends, and a lot of men who think you're incredibly sexy. Be happy and have a great holiday Trixie. 😘🎄
    BB
@Bb - you are sweet - thank so very much for your kind words. I had a wonderful holiday. Hope you did also ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


xSteveOHx 54M

12/30/2017 6:40 am

All that truly matters in this world is that you are perfectly YOU!


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
12/31/2017 10:32 am

    Quoting xSteveOHx:
    All that truly matters in this world is that you are perfectly YOU!
@xsteve - I do the best I can at being me. Been told they "broke the mold" with me. Which could mean a very bad thing - or be pretty dam stellar ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


Bbwantsyou10 60M  
73 posts
12/31/2017 2:39 pm

💗💗💗


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
1/3/2018 11:49 am

@Bb - everyone needs some heart in their life!! Reminds me of the end of "Scrooged" - LOL ... now you have me singing that song: "Put A Little Luv In Your Heart" ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


easyrider4008 65M
2563 posts
1/12/2019 3:05 am

That was a very interesting read and I should say you seem to be well on the road to having life sussed out. By the way a beautiful body as well. Be happy!


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
1/12/2019 3:02 pm

    Quoting easyrider4008:
    That was a very interesting read and I should say you seem to be well on the road to having life sussed out. By the way a beautiful body as well. Be happy!
@easy - if nothing else, I'm interesting … LOL … thank you ever so kindly …

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
2/13/2019 4:39 pm

    Quoting  :

@Labia - ty for so kindly for your thoughts. I do so appreciate it. If my life stories help others, I feel blessed to share … each and sad tear is worth it …

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


NJGUY08090 55M
4307 posts
7/12/2020 4:22 pm

Being true to yourself is the key to being yourself . I always enjoy reading your posts. I like how you are comfortable with who you are. It makes a man like desire getting to know you. I do not enjoy a woman that pretends to be someone she is not.


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
7/12/2020 6:29 pm

    Quoting NJGUY08090:
    Being true to yourself is the key to being yourself . I always enjoy reading your posts. I like how you are comfortable with who you are. It makes a man like desire getting to know you. I do not enjoy a woman that pretends to be someone she is not.
@NJ - Xactly! And, everyone else is already taken! Ty - appreciate your kind thoughts. Hope you had a great day!

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


Freddyj_65 47M

9/2/2020 5:40 pm

very nice


nutzyagain 63M
1269 posts
9/18/2020 7:12 am

Loving the attitude and how you express it. Wow - are you ever an absolute knock out. Your nipples do look yummy. Enjoy the weekend and share the damage on Monday


MrWrong4RghtNow 56M
2439 posts
9/29/2020 7:17 am

I have to say your post is one of the best written and beautifully expressed entries on self-image, self-empowerment and dealing with body shaming. I admire your candor and have always adored your presence in chat rooms.

My name is MrWrong and I approved this comment


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
10/1/2020 4:30 am

    Quoting MrWrong4RghtNow:
    I have to say your post is one of the best written and beautifully expressed entries on self-image, self-empowerment and dealing with body shaming. I admire your candor and have always adored your presence in chat rooms.
Thank you ever so much for your kind words. I've got some shipping and handling on me, tho, still a lot of miles left - LOL ... and, continue to be FOREVER TRUE TO THINE SELF ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


Leegs2012 49M
96134 posts
11/5/2020 4:13 pm

Very well written. Great words of wisdom!!!..and you are very sexy!!


Avonsenior 68M  
1461 posts
11/13/2020 8:49 pm

Society has pushed long and hard to tell us what we should consider to be the perfection that everyone should aspire to. Not every person will fit in a size 6 without being anorexic.
I can find beauty if a woman is thinner or a little heavier. A lot depends on how they carry themselves and if they can feel comfortable in their own body
-Note: I do not have a problem turning the laptop on its side to appreciate your 50s body Darling


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/14/2020 4:24 pm

    Quoting Avonsenior:
    Society has pushed long and hard to tell us what we should consider to be the perfection that everyone should aspire to. Not every person will fit in a size 6 without being anorexic.
    I can find beauty if a woman is thinner or a little heavier. A lot depends on how they carry themselves and if they can feel comfortable in their own body
    -Note: I do not have a problem turning the laptop on its side to appreciate your 50s body Darling
Whether a size 8 or 18, the beauty of a soul is from within. Weight is only external - it's the internal that is the real draw. One mite be able to lose weight, tho, being a mean and ugly inside person is forever. You said it perfectly, being comfy in yourself, having a positive attitude, can absolutely make a difference. Well, thank you ever so much, you are very sweet, I appreciate your thoughts ... 53 as of yesterday ... some shipping and handling ... still some miles left ... HA!

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
1/22/2021 8:41 pm

    Quoting  :

Well, thanks an interesting way to look at it ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


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