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Cemetery Obsessed ...  

trixietrixster 54F  
3256 posts
11/5/2020 6:36 pm
Cemetery Obsessed ...

For the last 5 months, I've been driving 90 minutes there once a week ...

I've been doing a smudging cleansing of my moms area in the mausoleum - dispelling the negativity that was brought there my last situation ... continually trying rid myself of the damage that was done my mind, body, soul, spirit and heart, replacing it with good stuff. As I walk in circles, back and forth, the smoke lingers. I wonder myself, perhaps the other souls would like some good energy, some healing. I send some kind vibes their way - just in case ...

The last time I went was two weeks ago, at which time I missed her so much ... I wanted so badly be with her. I had thoughts of driving off the road just so that I could hug her. Then I thought myself, she would absolutely go ballistic if I did something so - her had already pretty much taken his own life years ago ... she couldn't even bring herself go the cemetery. I couldn't be that cruel her ...

Then, I moved onto my grandfather and brother's grave ... which, in my state of mind, was an extremely bad idea, again, as usual, as my past with them is completely toxic ... another cleansing ...

On the way home, I ended up driving my brothers house, and the doctor I was forced to go to at my last situation, as "the warden" didn't like the one I had for over years. Missed my exit a million times - that area just wouldn't let go of me - took me over 2 hours to get out of that clusterfuck - it should have been bout 45 minutes ...

"Life Happened" thru no fault of my primary partner of plus years, or mine, and that was used mentally manipulate me. Then, "life happened" again and we were brought back together, which is where I went instead of my apartment ... I knew being myself that nite was absolutely not a good idea. the time I arrived, I was in bad shape. He just couldn't calm me down ... I just keep saying over and over how much I missed my mom and wanted be with her. I settled down after bout 4 hours ...

Three days later, I was compelled go again. And, I did ...

After the fact, it was at the point, that my primary told me that I'm totally obsessed with going there. At first I was like "no, that's not true". He reminded me of what happened a few days earlier and how despite the unhealthiness of it, I went back again in the same week ...

I do like my reflection in this uninhabited grassy section - my long sweater flowing out into the lite breeze... hair in pigtails in my moms memory, as my mom said a million times over - especially when living with me ... "when are you going to stop wearing those" ... 5 years later with pigtails still intact. I for sure wonder how long it will be until another soul resides here. Weird how I mite be standing on someone's grave before they are under it ... strangely, I'll always feel an odd connection to this spot ...

I was strongly considering going tomorrow ... tho, the Universe is making it's thoughts and presence known. Even when I don't want to listen to the Great Spirit, or perhaps agree, I keep the faith ... and, this too, shall pass ...



In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


travellerabc123 52M
3989 posts
11/5/2020 7:03 pm

I admire your devotion.

Embrace the suck


Paulxx001 65M  
22616 posts
11/5/2020 7:21 pm

Does the shadow know? 🤔 ❗❗😎


sexyldy1000 65F  
9606 posts
11/6/2020 4:00 am

Everyone has their own way to grieve. I hope you find solace in your actions and will know when it’s ok for things to change ☮️.


pocogato12 70F  
37236 posts
11/6/2020 7:04 am

This made me cry

(Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group


Tmptrzz 59F  
107039 posts
11/6/2020 11:05 am

I know how very much you miss your mom my friend. I know you want to go visit her often, and if I were you I would take a short break maybe a couple of weeks to regroup to think about what's been happening with your thoughts.

I want you to know that I am here for you when ever you need to talk, or vent, even if you want to yell know that I will always be here for you..

Hugs my friend.>

Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on..


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:04 am

This "devotion" appears to border on harmful, so it seems. Hope you are staying safe!

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:06 am

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    Does the shadow know? 🤔 ❗❗😎
Perhaps, perhaps not ... good question! Have a grand day!

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:13 am

    Quoting  :

Ya, I'd agree there is a lot of distortion in this situation. At first, there was that "getting it all out" thingy going on. Then. as the weeks passed, going was totally wreaking havoc on my soul, tho, I just wasn't able to see as it unfolded. That's a great sentence: "Living is hard , messy, and just plain damn wonderful". Thanks for giving me something to think bout ... *hugs*

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:14 am

    Quoting sexyldy1000:
    Everyone has their own way to grieve. I hope you find solace in your actions and will know when it’s ok for things to change ☮️.
Thank you, pretty lady ... working on it ... have a most awesome day ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:18 am

My mom is with her son - I'm sure the closest that she's ever felt to him. I know it's not my time to join them when thinking logically ... emotions take on a life of this own. Working on it, luvely lady ...

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/8/2020 7:30 am

    Quoting Tmptrzz:
    I know how very much you miss your mom my friend. I know you want to go visit her often, and if I were you I would take a short break maybe a couple of weeks to regroup to think about what's been happening with your thoughts.

    I want you to know that I am here for you when ever you need to talk, or vent, even if you want to yell know that I will always be here for you..

    Hugs my friend.>
The compulsion to go as much as possible is forever present. I was able to hold it at bay and didn't go Friday. Tho, today, Sunday ... it's pretty overwhelming ... and taking everything in me not to throw clothes on and jet over there. Thank you, my dear friend, and this should go without saying ... I'm here for you as well, anytime ... *hugs*

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


travellerabc123 52M
3989 posts
11/11/2020 7:48 am

I understand the down side. But I also know how many people forget too.

Embrace the suck


trixietrixster 54F  
3125 posts
11/12/2020 4:13 am

    Quoting travellerabc123:
    I understand the down side. But I also know how many people forget too.
Ya, it's like the "angel vs the devil" concept ... what a tangled web us humans weave. Have a wonderful day!

In Luv, Lite, Laffter ...


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