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trixie's tales ... :)
Thank you for taking the time to visit my world - my life journey in words. I invite you to follow along with me as I life each day fully, with no pretentions. What you will find here is a sharing of my innermost thoughts, my happiness, my frustrations, my sadness, my fears, my oddities, and, so much more. I am quite happy with who and what I am, as my life is ever so blessed. Like all of us, I have many different sides. I don't feel the need to justify myself to anyone, not in the slightest. While I am not everyone's cup of tea, common courtesy and respect is expected, not only to myself, but also all others who may share their views/experiences on my page. There is no tolerance for judgments or drama here - the practice of FUCKTARDISM is strongly prohibited. As the saying goes, "Misery Luves Company". If this is YOU, please take your circus elsewhere, as I only allow good, healthy stuff into my life.
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Mom ... RIP ...
Posted:Nov 24, 2015 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2015 11:51 am
On Monday, 11/17/15, @ 11:30 pm, my mom passed away. She took her last breaths - died in my arms ...

It was a precious blessing to have her living here for the past year. She accepted my lifestyle - the way I live my life with slim to nil considerations. She luved my D/s family and friends - they luved her. I am ever so blessed that she was okies with me being "different", more than "different". That my life choices weren't looked down upon by her. It couldn't have been easy for her being so old skool. She did her best to understand, never judged. We used to joke that maybe one day I will actually find someone to date. And, that's a HUGE maybe. If this ever happens, I will be sharing my happiness with her, as her spirit will forever be with me. And, she adored my D/s Mommy, who happens to be in a relationship with my hubby.

It a bittersweet time in my life, and, somewhat difficult. So thankful I am for a great support system. She is now in peace, sleeping with the angels. No more fears, no more suffering. After my brother overdosed from Heroin several years ago, she just wasn't the same. It's "unnatural" for a parent to bury a . Most of her last years were spend wondering where she went wrong. The thingy is, she didn't. There comes a point where a person, no matter their upbringing, needs to accept responsibility for their decisions. Live by them - die by them. I do feel a little angry at him for taking the easy way out. Leaving me to deal with the ramifications of his actions forever thereafter. However, had it not been for his death, among other life events, I wouldn't have left a horrible marriage, I wouldn't have found a new life in which I am thriving.

My mom was buried in what she wore to my wedding - she adored my hubby to no end. He was adamant that she wouldn't go into a home as long as we were capable of taking care of her. How blessed am I that my hubby WANTED his mother-in-law here, that he didn't have her here out of obligation?! As she makes a new life with the angels, she has my 4 page letter to read. I could have actually wrote a version of "War & Piece" - my profile is evidence that I am capable of this. I put a pic of my brother in with her before he got really bad and LOOKED like a junkie - only cause she would want this. I didn't do this cause I wanted to. A few of my doggie's hair in a plastic baggie. Her favorite pic of me and my hubby at our wedding, and a pic of her with her 3 sisters. Of course, I picked a casket in a shade of blue, my favorite color.

I find myself talking to my mom. Not all the time, but a lot. Like today, when I got home from having my car inspected, telling her that somehow, I got a coupon, and saved like 25 bucks. Or, when I pass a level in Candy Crush. And, tons of other times and for the silliest things, or the more serious.

I decided to keep like a journal for her - go to her place of rest and read to her. Yeppers - I need to block out a whole day for this!!!!!!

My mother was so strong. She always said that I am, very much, my mother's ...

She always told me that I have to get on with my life after she was gone. That I need to move on and not dwell. Instead, know she is eternally at rest ...

My Birthday Weekend ... :)
Posted:Nov 15, 2015 9:07 pm
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2015 3:32 pm
I am now officially, on paper, 48 years of age. Tho, like Peter Pan, I am never really growing up! No reason why I can't be a at heart, silly as can be, as well as a responsible adult.

The week before, my hubby surprised me by taking a well needed day off. We went out to lunch and saw the movie "The Martian". Yeppers - I dam sure cried at the end! At nite, we chilled out and spend some quality time together. He works mega hours and my schedule is crazy too - our time together is limited. Gotta grab it when we can!

Thursday nite my D/s Mommy came over. She totally rocks the fuck out - luv her oodles and oodles!! Our relationships is amazingly awesome. And, since I get asked this a lot ... NO - it's not sexual in any way. Tho, it is very intimate and sensual. A concept which is hard for some to grasp. We have an uber stellar relationship - they come in all different forms.

Friday morning we headed out and celebrated our birthdays together by spending the day thrift shopping - the 2nd year in a row. It's now become our annual tradition - YAY! Up early and out the door, stopping for breakfast at the drive thru. Bout an hour drive to the Goodwill Clearance Outlet, where you pay the pound. So totally kewl! We spend like a good 3 hours in there getting all kinds of good stuff. I got some jeans, shirts, a few dresses and skirts, some fetish wear. And, of course, shoes!!!!

On the road again to the next set of thrift stores. Had lunch before we went in - YUM!! So, there was this sign that if it was your birthday, you got 50% off - that would be off your entire purchase ... Picked up some puzzles. More clothes - LOL - another pair of kick ass boots for a buck. They were just a smidgen too big for me. Thought I could wear like heavy socks or something. It didn't work - BOO! Tho, my /s Mommy was happy cause I gave them to her!

By the time we headed home, the trunk was packed. So was the backseat and every ounce of free space - LOL - and then some! Got home bout 5 in the afternoon, exhausted - what a great thrifting excursion!!

We ordered out for dinner, and watched a movie with my hubby. Then, girl time. Fun!

My D/s Mommy left early Saturday morning before I woke up - the house was all quiet again ...

Saturday and Sunday, I just chilled out and relaxed. Did some building and writing. Chores. Just enjoyed me time.

So blessed with a great life - so grateful ...

Keepsake Box ...
Posted:Oct 25, 2015 9:02 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2015 2:03 pm
I have this like totally awesome keepsake box that I picked up at a thrift store. It's actually more like a mini trunk. All my cards from my hubby, from my D/s family and friends are stored in there. Plus, event programs and stuff like this.

Over the last few days, I have been looking thru it and came across a memory. A long time ago, what seems like eons, someone gave me this. I always wanted to keep this - us - as a great memory - still do. I picked it up and realized how long it has been since I actually held it in my hand. Realized how long it has been since I heard the sound of it buckling round my neck - all the happy feelings it brought to me. All these things came flooding back into my mind. Then, there was the toxicity of the relationship. All the nites that I cried myself to sleep in bad tears.

No matter how much we tried to make it work over a period of like 9 years or so, the Universe just didn't allow for it. This is what led it to ending somewhat badly - continued attempts to make it work after the window of opportunity passed. Now that I reflect upon it, I am not so sure there even ever was a shadow of a window.

Part of me wants to salvage the happy thoughts. Part of me wants to throw it away, tho, I still can't even bring myself to delete 9 digits from my phone. Not today - maybe tomorrow or next week. Maybe never. It's one of those things. I don't want to have "landfill regret" ...

So, we will see what happens. The Universe has a way of helping me sort these things out. I just have to be open to it, whatever it may be ...

Rain ...
Posted:Oct 20, 2015 8:48 pm
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2015 9:09 am
I wrote this while the rain shouted from the sky outside my bedroom window, the tree branches singing an odd song. I view the rain as Mother Nature crying. Sometimes she cries sad tears - sometimes she cries happy tears. Often the line is blurred between the two ... bittersweet ...

Written by mstrixietrixster ... May not be reused or republished in whole or in part without the author's expressed, written consent.

All curled up cozy and warm in bed
As the rain hits the windowpane
Thoughts of us float thru my head

Wondering if I will ever feel your touch
Or your lips dancing with mine
Maybe my thoughts ask too much

Wondering if I will ever smell your scent
Draped upon my naked and waiting body
My soul in complete and total content

Wondering if I will ever hear your voice
Whispered melodic music to my ears
Wanting you to take me by choice

Wondering if I will ever see your smile
And how your lips curve upward
As between us there are so many miles

Wondering if I will ever savor your taste
My tongue caressing every inch of you
Slowly and teasingly not in a haste

These thoughts run thru my mind
Will they ever come to pass
For my heart is in your bind

Strange Shopping Adventures ... :)
Posted:Oct 12, 2015 5:18 am
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2015 4:44 am
I so adore being in the kitchen, especially baking all kinds of yummy sweet treats! Definitely was born to feed people - including the lawn mower dude and the repairmen. The last time the heater guy was here, on his way out, he asked me where his care package was! No heat - my limbs and piercings numb from the cold made me forget my manners ...

Not many things I don't do without being turned into my I-POD. Including the dreaded food stores. The other customers and employees really wish that I my IPOD would fall to the ground and break - LOL - multiple times. Like one of those slow motion video clips. Yeppers - the American Idol peeps would tear me to shreds ...

Stuff always happens to me at food stores. It doesn't matter which one or what time of day or nite. It's become highly problematic - GGGRRR!!!

Once I was standing in line for the self checkout. When it was my turn, I walked up to the machine and scanned my card. Everything went black. There was silence. Lots of silence. Yeppers - the power went out - LOL - like fucking seriously! The thingy is that doors automatically locked. That feeling of being trapped swirled thru my brain - setting off a panic attack. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. It took a huge amount of focus to take out my cell and call someone. It seemed like forever before she answered - in reality it was only a few minutes. Her voice was like a gawdsend. She talked me down, the lites came back on, the machines all lit up and started making this horrendous resetting sound. Come to find out later the emergency generator kicked in. This was one piece of information that I am thankful that I didn't know at the time. Generators are not "real electric" ...

While on the phone, as calmly as I could, I started to check out. The scanners were still coming back to life and this process was not swift. Over and over, kept having to scan the same items. Finally, I was done, paid, and started to walk out. I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was the lady from the self checkout, bringing me a few bags that I left. If I had to go back and get them, no way I would have. All I could think of was this: exit - do not pass go - do not collect $200.00. Still on the phone, approaching the door, hoping they would open. It was somewhat obvious that I was having issues. This was evidenced by someone asking me if I needed help getting to my car. I am sure they were thinking a padded cell would be better ... I declined and proceeded to my vehicle and packed my car. I got it and just sat there, still on the phone. Decompression time. All I could think of was being trapped - trapped like a rat in a cage - no way out. Trapped. Memories came flooding back. It was a good 20 minutes before I could drive the 10 minutes home ...

Then, there was the time this lady was following me round the store. Staring at me. After bout 20 minutes, she finally walks up to me says to me "you hit my car last week.". Uuuummm - yeah - I don't think so lady. She starts to tell me who how my white van dented her "sports car" - her "expensive sports car". That's all nice and dandy, lady, considering I don't drive a white van ...

Of course, there is the time, just recently, while in Walmart I saw someone that had a walker and was a bit disabled trying to carry one of those huge bins. He dropped it several times. Asking him if he needed help getting to check out, he freaked the fuck out on me. Guess that was a noooo ...

So, yeah, generally speaking, stores and me, especially food ones, we really aren't friends. Nor acquaintances.

A shopping slave in my life would rather helpful ...

The Will - Not The Act ...
Posted:Oct 5, 2015 9:14 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2015 2:06 pm
Written by mstrixietrixster ... May not be reused or republished in whole or in part without the author's expressed, written consent.

I follow you into the darkness
Knowing that I am safe and secure
Your gentle hands tenderly caress me
Preparing my soul for what lies ahead
With anticipation of what is to come
I am totally pliable to your will
My body craves to please you
As it molds itself to your desires
The kiss of your whip grazes my bare flesh
Decorating me with your adornment
Happy tears flow from my eyes
Black mascara streaking down my cheeks
As I beg you to take me further
Desiring to give you all that I am
You take what I freely offer
Accepting it with care and caution
Your hands gripping my hair
As lite moans escape my lips
Your body presses against mine
Closing my eyes and finding heaven
My essence yearns to be taken
By your more than capable hands

A Sunday Nite Poem ... :)
Posted:Sep 27, 2015 4:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2015 9:04 pm
Written by mstrixietrixster ... May not be reused or republished in whole or in part without the author's expressed, written consent.

Kneeling before you on my knees
Eager and ready to please
Your Dominance over me towers
As does your infinite power
My submission flows up
You offer me your cup
In total and utter devotion
Freely I drink the red potion
Not a doubt in my mind
That we are intertwined
Completely I trust in you
To lead me down the rabbit hole
In a state of total peace
Blessed to feel such an emotional release
You wipe away my tears
As I surrender all fears
Leaving me in a puddle
We contently cuddle
In your lips - your kiss
I find heaven - pure bliss

Graveyard Gratification ... :)
Posted:Sep 24, 2015 8:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2015 1:17 pm
Graveyard Gratification - written by mstrixietrixster ... May not be reused or republished in whole or in part without the author's expressed, written consent.

I prepare myself for our excursion - wanting everything to be a perfect as possible. After showering, I slip on my black lace thong panties. The softness of the material glides up my freshly shaved legs, my thighs. Next, I put on my matching bra. Walking by a full length mirror, I catch a glimpse at myself. I stop - stare at the image which reflects itself back at me. Running my hands up and down my body - feeling my curves in all the rite places - how my hips indent themselves - then come back out - like an hourglass type of shape. I head into the bathroom, carefully put my make up on and fix my hair into two ponytails, braid them in an attempt to avoid tangles. Now, sitting on my bed, on go my jeans and shirt, then my socks and boots. I sit there for a minute, my mind wanders as to what this nite will hold.

As I hear Daddy's Harley pull up, the sun has long since set and the lite overtaken by darkness. The rays of brightness replaced by the glowing of the stars and moon. It feels like forever that I have been waiting ever so patiently for this day to come. As he hates to be kept waiting, I grab my stuff and head out the door. In typical form - forgetting my lipstick - back into the house and out again I go in record timing.
Daddy gives me the option of wearing a helmet - I would rather not - he doesn't either. As we are going to cruise leisurely thru the back roads, we both want to feel total freedom!! As the engine starts, my arms tightly wrapped round him, we take off for our nite of adventure. Not long after, I realize it was a good last minute decision to wear panties. The vibrations are definitely going to be intense, as I can already feel my wetness seeping thru.

Before long, we find ourselves on a winding, isolated road. As the lite wind flows thru the braids in my hair, all my worries melt away. It's just us and the little critters that lurk in the woods. The darkness is chilling - I get a bit nervous. Holding onto Daddy tighter, my breasts pressed up into him, he places my hand on his thigh, reassuring me that all is well. This is the closest that I have ever come to knowing heaven. The engine purrs steadily beneath us - my juices flowing steadily. Daddy's fingers intertwine with mine - I giggle - snuggle in even closer against him. There is a magic to the blackness ahead, which seems to have no end.

I feel us slowing down and pull over. The nite is as black as snow is white. Out go the headlites - no idea where we are. I feel his hand reach for mine and I take it. In silence, we walk for a few minutes. Daddy stops, faces me, and asks me if I trust him. "Daddy, yes, Daddy, I trust you and in you completely." He kisses my forehead and whispers in my ear that he will never let any harm come to me. Informing me that we are coming to a fence with an opening, not to let go of his hand, that we are going to walk thru it. I comply - there is no hesitation on my part - he leads - I follow - the natural order of things. Just as the universe intended. Taking a deep breath, I feel the metal round me as I pass thru and out to the other side.

There are traces of what appears to be lite. Looking up, a full moon in all her glory. She is shining so brilliantly - so vibrantly. As my eyes adjust, I notice we are in a cemetery. Already soaked, my sweet spot tingles even more. We have spoken bout this, and, it makes me uber happy that Daddy actually remembered! The lite from the skies reflects off the mausoleums. So beautiful - yet so ghostly - with a peaceful effect. We walk for a while, hand in hand.

Out of nowhere, Daddy tells me to take down my jeans. My tiny hands fumble with my boots. Wiggling out of my jeans, they fall down my thighs. Grabbing a fistful of my hair, Daddy drags me to the nearest gravestone and bends me over. He informs me that he was not pleased with me keeping him waiting. Cringing - this is not going to be good. The silence is deafening, except for a sound that I can't quite make out. "You need to learn that I will not tolerate tardiness - when I say be ready - this is exactly what I mean." "Daddy, I am sorry, I forgot my lipstick. I know how much you luv to kiss my lips when they look so pretty." My comments don't faze him "Let's see if my belt can help you remember. I was going to give you 5, tho, since your OCD prefers even numbers, 6 should do the trick." "Daddy, please, Daddy, no, it won't happen again!!" From his lack of response, it is apparent that my pleas are going unanswered. I feel my panties being roughly pulled down. He then gags me with them, informing me that not only doesn't he want to hear my mouth, he doesn't want, what will now be, my screams of discomfort echoing, disturbing souls in their place of resting. The first sting hits my ass and I whimper. Number 2 is harder. Number 3 crashing down on me starts the formation of tears. My body writhes in bad pain and I grasp the gravestone on number 4, tears flowing down my cheeks. When his belt makes contact on my ass for number 5, my nails dig deep into the back of the gravestone, making a horrid, not so pleasant sound. Of course, the last one is always the worse, and I brace myself. Number 6 - my whimpers of bad pain trapped behind my own moist panties - my tears streaming down my cheeks. My nails clenching the gravestone, yet again, this time breaking one. Daddy then pulls my panties out of my mouth, gently caresses my welted ass. He kisses my sad tears away and lets me cuddle my head into his chest. "Daddy, thank you, Daddy, for your caring enuf to punish me when I know better." He whispers into my ear that he is proud of me for taking my punishment like a good girl.

He then tells me to put my lipstick on and remove the rest of my clothing. My socks, tho, he lets me keep on. Lucky for me, I can make my lips pretty without a mirror, compliments of crappy city drivers. Except for me, of course. Daddy points down and I assume my position. Kneeling before him, hands on my knees, head down. I wait, as still as I can possibly be. "Show Daddy what those pretty red lips can do, baby-girl." This happens to be one of my favorite things - I so adore orally worshipping. I unbutton his pants and take down his zipper. Looking up at him, telling Daddy how eager his little girl is to please his desires. He wraps his belt round my throat, guiding me closer towards him. As I start to make luv to him with my mouth, he pulls on both ends, gently. The feel of the belt tightening ever so slowly round my neck - how this turns me on so very much - makes me dripping wet. The sounds of the cemetery are oddly quiet, with the exception of Daddy's growls of pleasure. And, me gagging. An aura of happiness surrounds us in the dead of nite, in the most eerie of places. It's such a beautiful exchange of mutuality. He wants to take from me what I so badly want to give to him. He strokes my hair with care, the calm before the storm, while I show him my total devotion. Feeling his body start to tense up, his belt becoming ever so snug round my throat, his pace speeds up. He grabs my hair, pulls my head up towards him and slaps me. The belt cinches ever tighter. Slapping me again - there is a part of me that dislikes this. There is a part of me that wants more - that wants my Daddy to shed away every one of my false modesties - my fears. He slaps me a few times in a row. Seeing the slight traces of tears form in the corner of my eyes, this makes his animal urges even more prominent. This makes my vulnerability to him even more so. Daddy wants me to ask him to slap me. I struggle with this concept. He knows me so well and senses this. He reassures me that it's okies - that there is no reason for me to be fearful - to let go and give into what we both want - what we both know I am. "Babygirl, tell Daddy what you what him to do to you. What you are?" As my cheeks become streaked with black mascara and my tears, my words are barely heard. "Daddy, please slap your dirty little ", I say as I stare up into his eyes. He slaps me, sees more tears, wipes them away. He tells me that I look perfect like this. He shoves his cock back into my waiting mouth, holding the back of my head. I start to gag, yet, he doesn't - I don't want Daddy to stop. Gasping for air - this sound makes him throat fuck me harder. He relishes in the power he has over me. Daddy pulls himself out of my mouth, and pushes me against the same gravestone that has my claw marks in it. As he rubs his hardness against my ass, I moan in delite from the feel of his body against mine. He makes me beg - beg for it - beg to be fucked hard.

As Daddy slowly starts, he comments how I feel like a virgin. With each stroke, he becomes more excited. The feel of your veined flesh pushing into my luv tunnel sends me into space immediately. Under the stars, the moonlite reflecting off the gravestone, you fuck your property. Hard. My body was made for your pleasure - you claim what is yours. "Daddy - fuck me - please don't stop" - my echo is heard. Plunging farther into me, you gain more leverage. Slapping my ass as you slide in and out of me - my moans increase. I beg you to let me cum. Denying me - reminding me not to cum. I am so close, and, afraid I won't be able to stop myself. Tho, how I luv teetering on the edge.

Again I ask, "Daddy, oh, Daddy, please may I cum." Telling me to shut the fuck up, your belt find its way round my throat and you pull my head up. Again, "please, Daddy, please let me cum!!" You tell me to cum - my muscles contract and my juices explode onto you. The grip on Daddys belt tightens - his breaths increase as he uses me as he desires. With a loud devilish growl, his cum flows into me. Powerfully. I feel his precious seed invade me as we become one. He leans into me as every last drop goes into me - his precious seed moving thru my body like a maze. Pushing my hair away from my ear, Daddy whispers how pleased he is with me. Pointing down to the ground, I kneel before him. Cleaning him with my tongue, cleaning us, our taste is magical. He offers me his hand out to me. I rise and we lean against the gravestone - my arms encircle him. Daddys hands cup my face - our lips meet. His kiss is like nothing that I have ever experienced before. I feel his entire essence thru his lips - my entire body is shaking. His cuddles me into his arms. After my tears subside, I gain my composure back and he helps me dress. Daddy takes my hand and leads us out. I am so appreciative of being able to express to you. To give you all that I am. And, I so appreciate you.

Paying It Forward Pays Off ... :)
Posted:Sep 21, 2015 9:38 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2015 2:55 pm
My mom is like 77 and on oxygen. As her health fails more, she loses more and more weight. I took her to the thrift store today to get some pants and shirts. So, we got a cart and I took her to the section she needed. I went off on my way and looked and looked at some stuff for myself. I picked up a dress - which I luved - it wasn't priced. They have a policy. No price - no sale. Okies, I totally get it. Things get missed - we are but only human. I put it back and went out my way. I found a few things I thought my mom mite like. When I got back, I could see she had enuf. Taking the stuff we had, headed to the dressing room. A slew of stuff and we only found 2 shirts and 1 pair of pants. Of course, as Murphy's Law would have it, the pants didn't have a price tag. Oh, good fucking lordy ... She was totally drained and told me not to worry bout it. I told her to sit there and wait - that I was going to see what I could do. I went to this lady I always see - a little ornery she is. Not really a pleasant attitude. I explained to her the situation and she was like you have to see a manager. That was it - she didn't even say let me get one for you or anything. I get that you are not getting paid for this - I volunteer too. Then you shouldn't be doing it if your going to be a nasty fucking biatch. Anywho, I went over to this over younger lady I see all the time, who is always very sweet and kind.

"I really need some help, please. My mom is on oxygen and we just spend like an hour looking for pants. The only pair that fits is this pair, with no price. I know your policy - I shop here enuf. In fact, I just put a dress back due to no price. Tho, this is really important. I REALLY here to leave here today with these pants."

She went to the back while we waited. My thoughts were racing - my mom was like let's just forget it. I'm like no, mom, you really need these. So, we waited. Finally the girl came back. She was like 3.99? Uuumm - I didn't care how much they were. We just really needed to leave the store with this pair of pants. I was almost in tears and so very much appreciative of what she had did for us. I thanked her a few millions times.

The girl today has no idea how much what she did today meant to me and my mom - how such a simple act meant so much.

This is why I always pay it forward ...

Anal Sex - How Important Is It?
Posted:Sep 17, 2015 8:54 pm
Last Updated:Dec 11, 2015 11:48 am

I wonder if I am like the only 47 year old anal virgin in the Universe?! ...

This seems to have a great appeal to most men - being the first. I had a relationship where this was like his main focus. Actually, it was more like he was obsessed with it. Apparently, he seemed to think that it was okies to withhold my basic needs until I "gave it up". Well, it was a bit more graphic, but, you get the point. It made me feel like a business transaction - not very flattering.

I think at this point in my life, there is a strong possibility that I will go to my grave an anal virgin. While I am okies with this, I do sometimes think bout sharing this with someone. The rite someone. For the rite reasons.

I don't want to be "convinced" - "coaxed" - and so on ... What I need is to trust someone to such an extent as to explore this with - in my own time. The natural order. What I need is to want to share in this with someone ...

On a scale of 1 to 10, where does anal fall on your scale? Would you give up a great relationship based solely on the anal sex factor?

Road To Recovery ... :)
Posted:Sep 15, 2015 8:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2015 10:21 pm
So, it's been bout 4 days since I got some of the poison cut out of me. Already going stir crazy. Today, started doing some things round the house. Not really supposed to for another 3 days or so. I do much better taking care of people than I do taking care of myself or others. Been stoned on Vicodin up until today - the first day that I didn't take any - YAY!! Uuummm - pretty sure I popped a few stitches ... anywho ... moving on ...

Friday morning my D/s Mommy took me to the hospital. It didn't take long at all for me to check in and get taken up. I liked my nurses. It didn't take long for them to think there mite be something different bout us - LOL - too funny! They gave me the gown - said my Mommy could wait outside. Of course, we both we like she's (me) not shy. Hell, I didn't care if the nurse stayed or not - I just wanted this done. Those hospital gowns are tacky - more than tacky. The fashion police should really get involved! Not one of my finest moments, tho, had a get a pic. This is just a part of me, of my life. Memories come in many different shapes and forms. Bring so many different emotions. They put these things on my legs - like a blood pressure cuff type of thingy. Think it was cause of my age? The anesthesiologist asked me a slew of questions - wanted to know bout any marks on my body before we started. Oh, good lordy, thank gawd for the blankets! No idea where I would have even started! Asked bout my piercings and stuff to, just to be sure they were out. One of my docs interns looked like Andy Dick - LOL - too funny! This was a highpoint of my hospital visit. He was pretty kewl. Totally made me and Mommy laff!

As my Mommy put it, I stopped the machine by throwing a wrench under it and put everyone behind schedule. She told me that she was "coffee sympathizing" with me - she wouldn't get ANOTHER cup till they took me off. They were getting ready to put my iv in my rite arm, since we were cutting the left. Of course, I had to say that the doc mite be doing both, cause of the new poison that came over the holiday weekend, even tho he said no already. Uuuummm - yeppers - I can be rather stubborn. The doc comes in, no ... LOL ... just the left arm. But, he drained the rite arm and I have to go back for this ASAP. He told Andy Dick to write a smiley face where they were going to be cutting. Hhe said he was going for a few drinks - LOL - coffee of course! Yeah, the machine stopped!! Back in comes the anthologist and put my iv in. Was having a ton of hot flashes - fucking crazy - UGH! Mommy kept putting blankets on me, taking them off. Then, they put the stuff in my iv, just something to get me relaxed, not necessarily to put me out. Almost immediately, I was like "WOW!!" Next thing I remember is waking up in recovery, groggy, cold, somewhat of a sore throat, hungry. I was a bit unsure where I was - it's a very odd feeling. Started moving round and the nurse came in. Uuuumm - sorta kinda got in trouble already - LOL - was moving round too much and my bandages were getting all jacked up! Mommy came in and sat with her babygirl and fed me grape juice and crackers. Sounds like Romper Room - OMFG - way too funny!

Had to get my drugs filled and stopped at CVS. Had a sore throat cause they put a breathing tube or something, down my throat and that I mite be nauseas. Had to wait for the script and parked. I knew that I was going to get sick, so I went into the bushes. Once I got my Vicodin, my world was so much better. Mommy tucked me in, then came up later and spoon fed my some applesauce - LOL - luv her oodles and oodles! She is so good to me! She took care of dinner for everyone. We stayed up coloring - so much fun! Tucking me in, she went off to bed. By the time I woke up on Saturday morning, Mommy was gone and one of my D/s sisters was here. Okies - I can cook - but - she can COOK! She make everyone sausage and gravy and scrambled eggs and bread. My hubby commented "that she is a great fucking cook! He can't wait till my she comes back to help after my next surgery - LOL - too funny! She also made a kick-ass dinner. Later bout 10ish, she left. I colored, listened to my I-POD, started a story. Took Vicodin. Slept. And, repeat.

My bandages had to be changed twice before they were really allowed to come off. Hot flashes - nasty ones - peeled them rite away from my skin while I slept a few times. Mommy changed them once and my sister also once.

On Sunday, it was finally time to officially take the bandages off. My rite arm had packing - I was terrified at the bad pain this would bring taking it out. My hubby felt so sad for me. Inch by inch, he pulled. My sad tears, sobbing and screams drowning out his singing of "You Are My Sunshine". Every time I thought it was over, he pulled again and out came more packing. It was like a snake - I wasn't a happy camper - not at all! Tears were streaming down my cheeks! When I gained my composure back, we did my left arm. Peeling away the little gauze tape, my hubby was ever so careful. When I saw the stitches, I cried sad tears. Being sewn back together - makes Chucky or something. It's so awkward.

I couldn't wait to get a shower - my hair was matted. My hubby stayed with me the whole time. Of course, he offered to wash me, my hair. OMFG - NO WAY! If I am going to have a man wash me, my hair, it's going to be more on a romantic side as opposed to me being helpless to tend to my own personal stuff. Even tho I didn't want him to, the fact that he wanted to, this is what means the world to me. Anyone who doesn't want to be in my life and support me when I look like death warmed over, when I am cranky and sad, they don't deserve to be in my life when I am all happy and stuff, when I have my hair done and make up on.

Last nite, I put all my piercings back in. My boobs - no problem - I always do these myself. Hubby helped me with my girly bit piercing, however, as always, it takes a while for to screw the ball on ... I am like soaked on a constant and continual basis - LOL - and definitely more sexual than ever! Apparently, not every woman lacks lubrication and looses her sex drive!!!!!

Follow up visit with the doc next week. Once I heal, have to do this whole thingy over. Hate doing thru this - but I hate the poison that stores itself in my body even more ...

Starting to feel like me again. In no time, I will be totally up and running!

8 Hours ...
Posted:Sep 10, 2015 9:12 pm
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2015 8:15 pm
I had an infection develop over the holiday weekend, which was very concerning. Thoughts keep going thru my mind - wondering if the docs would still go ahead with cutting me open as scheduled. By Tuesday morning, it was really bad, to the point where I just showed up at my docs office at like 8:45 am. I was trying to be as calm as I could. Tho, when they told me my doc wasn't there, that he was in surgery, this wasn't so good. Of course, I asked to see another doc, tho, apparently, Tuesday mornings are surgeries. I pretty much went into a panic attack, my hot flashes started. It didn't take long for the effects of not taking Black Kohash to come back - just a few days . How I can't wait to start taking this again! This can't happen soon enuf. The girls in the office were very much concerned for me - they sat me down and gave me water. It was fairly embarrassing, tho, all I could think of is I need this poison out of my body. All of it.

The office manager told me that she would try to get in touch with my doc before he went into surgery. My tiny hands were trembling, the cup of water I was holding, not too steady. She told me that my doc hadn't gone into surgery yet and she took me down to see him. He was so good to me - looked at where the new poison was starting to seep thru. He always comments that for someone who enjoys being whipped and stuff, he finds my tolerance to this, or lack of, rather interesting. Then, without fail, he follows up with "rite - you are only into good pain" - and he laffed. This make me smile as he checked out my new boo-boo. He started me on antibiotics and told me that we are still good for Friday. Thank fucking gawd - this has been planned for weeks.

I so desperately want him to cut it out all at once. He is just reluctant, he absolutely refuses. Before I could even get the sentence out, he was like no way. The logical person in me gets it - too much bad blood at once - too many incisions at once - too many stitches at once. The emotional person is me doesn't care bout the slew of bad blood, the tons of incisions, or how many stiches. She just wants the poison gone. Sucks that in a like a few months I am going to have to go thru this all again.

I have like some kind of auto immune system thingy going on for the past 10+ years. Poison gets trapped in my body and has no way of releasing itself except to pop up thru my skin. It's very painful, BAD PAIN. It either goes back into my body and hangs out, or heads rite for my bloodstream. Since I have been going thru this for so long, I know the signs and my body, I know when it's time to get it cut out. This is bout like the 20th time or so that it's pretty severe. Hopefully, the wounds won't have to be cleaned. It's pretty nasty. Tho, if so, my hubby will sing "You Are My Sunshine" to me as he tends to them, while I cry, just like all the other times.

This time my doc mentioned possibly having to consult with a plastic surgeon while I am under. This is not really what I wanted to hear. It's impossible to say, as he is cutting where I have been sliced before a few times. No way to say until they see how much and how deep the poison is. Oh, good fucking lordy ...

Settled in for the nite and all arrangements are made. I had to promise several people that I won't be resistant - that I won't dare put back on my "cape" for a few days. Well, it's more like a week to 10 days, barring any complications. As always, I can't even comprehend being out of commission for 1 day. 10 days - this is extremely problematic for me - extremely. This is why I don't make a habit of making promises. They aren't supposed to be broken - at least by me. But, yeppers, I promised. It will be a struggle - life doesn't stop. Seem to think I am supergirl or something. Most days I am. For the next, at least 7, I won't be anywhere near close. This doesn't sit well with me - already feeling anxious.

Since I do have to make the best of it, I dug out my coloring books, crayons, markers and colored pencils to keep me company. Plus, I will do some writing and organize my pics.

All my piercings are out, the plastic spacers are in. The tops are like so meniscal - like the size of the eye of a needle. The piercer couldn't get my hood piercing top on. I tried to do this. Epic fail! Uuuummm - I am my own slip and slide ...

My D/s Mommy is taking me to the hospital and waiting with me, then staying over to help take care of me. She has to leave uber early on Saturday morning, so one of my D/s sisters will be coming at like 10 am to stay with me for the day, possibly overnite. It's a lot on my hubby - he works like 80 hours a week. He has a brain issue, so, I didn't want to add any more stress to him. Excess stress could cause him to have a seizure. He is an amazing man and takes good care of me the best he can. His work hours are ungawdly - he does this for me - so that I only have to work part time. So that I can go skool. Volunteer my time to help others. Take care of my mom so she doesn't have to go into a home. He is pretty fucking awesome and I am very blessed. *Side note - any other man who comes into my life must also be pretty fucking awesome and bring only all good stuff into my life.

I always wonder what if I don't wake up. Sure, realistically, the chances of this aren't very high. Murphy and his law enjoy fucking with me - guess my "small dose" theory doesn't phase him. I do suspect that he still has plans for me in this lifetime.

This time tomorrow, I will have some relief, at least for awhile, from the poison that constantly invades my body. This time tomorrow, I will be even more thankful for my life and those in it. I find it always helps me to make sure those who surround me know how important they are to me - how much I luv them - how much I appreciate them. Never do I take anyone or anything for granted. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow - only today ...

Time to masturbate in a bit - LOL - should help my anxiety!

1 comment
4 Days ...
Posted:Sep 7, 2015 8:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 9, 2015 7:30 am
Since mid last week, I have been getting stuff in order for my surgery this coming Friday. Had all my pre-admission testing done. And, apparently, I am rather hostile with no fucking coffee in the morning - UGH! Being told that I need to stop taking Black Kohash until after the poison gets cut out made me even less of a happy camper. This herbal remedy interferes with anesthesia. Oh, good fucking lordy! This is the only relief I get from my hot flashes - I refuse to take hormones. I was having 60 plus a day, now I am bout 20-25 with this taking this supplement. It's been 3 days since I have taken any - they are definitely on the increasing - UGH - what a nitemare!! They are so nasty and can't be controlled. The thought of someone actually touching my body when I have one is not pleasant - I am like totally fucking gross!

Thank gawd my next stop at the piercer went well. 10 minutes and my girly bit piercing was out. Menopause is supposed cause lubrication issues. Uuuummm - not with me - LOL - the girl commented that she was having a bit of trouble putting the spacer in due to my wetness - okies then - HAHA! Got 2 new pairs of nipple jewelry while I was there. Can't ever have enuf body adornments!

Managed to get some me time in over the weekend with the girls. Luv Dave & Busters - the little girl in me totally comes out! My new fav game is "Operation". Holy crap on a cracking - the machine is HUGE!! Been doing tons of baking and cooking so no one here starves - my hubby eats like a ! Plus, never know who mite stop over. Can't let anyone leave hungry!

My OCD & ADD have been at odds since late Saturday nite. They dislike each other very much and sharing the same sand box is absolutely not an option! My OCD was pretty extreme Sunday nite. This is a gluten/wheat free household as much as possible due to Celiac's Disease. I spend a slew of time in the kitchen baking from scratch. And, reading every label before I buy something. It's very taxing, but has gotten easier. I live on chicken - literally. Sometimes, I feel badly bout all the poor like chickens out there. Tho, well, I wouldn't survive without them. I won't even go out to eat at any place that does not have chicken on the menu - this is how extreme I am. Tons of food issues, textures and stuff. The smell, sometimes ever the way something looks on the plate makes me nauseas. So, I had to bread chicken cutlet. No bread crumbs allowed here - we use Rice Crispies for the breading. Throw them in a baggie and them whack them with a mallet - LOL - pretty simple concept! Things appear to be in order, so I put my I-POD and empty the bag onto the wax paper. There were still whole Rice Krispies among the dust of the ones that I managed to crumble. Got the mallet thingy again, and off we went. What the fuck - these things are like so uncooperative. You would think a little piece of rice wouldn't be able to stand up to a mallet. My OCD was screaming at me to get out the grinder - it was very difficult not to this. At the same time, my ADD was being mean to me. Getting me side tracked with things I still need to get done by this Thursday and things I need to do after I heal a bit. Out comes the pen and paper in the midst of the Rice Krispies. I ended up stopping doing both of these cause the laundry was calling my name.

Thank fucking gawd, late today, my OCD & ADD started to settle down a bit, which I had to make a conscious effort to do. Quite a change from this time last nite. Not much can keep me grounded and my mind still. Mostly writing, scrapbooking, baking, coloring and building jigsaw puzzles. Oh - rite - cuddling - kissing - sex - sex - sex!

I just want it to be over. Doing my best to keep a positive mindset and remembering to breathe. I am blessed to have a great support system! Before you know it, I will back in business!


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