Life Changing
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Posted:Apr 9, 2015 9:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2015 11:24 am
8681 Views
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On March 31 2015 I was told finally what was wrong with me I had been so sick for so long it really worried me . Now I know I have stage 4 pancreatic cancer . I want to close my account but will lose my gold status and not be able to chat with my friends . I don't want to lead anyone on I am just here to chat .Not sure how much time I have left but the friends I have made here mean a lot to me so please be kind and say I Love You more often because you never know when your time will come .
Jo
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Wishing
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Posted:Dec 16, 2014 4:36 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2015 7:59 am
10507 Views
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Here I sit thinking about how Christmas sucks when you don't have any money .My widows pension has been cut and between paying rent and cable a 1000 dollars doesn't go very far . I am lucky to have family that I will get Christmas dinner with but I can't give them a thing or even get something for my grandson who lives with me . I hate the goverment they have screwed me and I didn't even get an orgasm from it . Wish I could just sleep till th new year . Anyway hope you all a very safe holidays .
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Party Weekend
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Posted:Nov 12, 2014 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2014 4:25 pm
11423 Views
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A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, “Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It’s going to be a hell of a party.”
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, “This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.”
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, “What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?” The guy replies, “Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, “Are you crazy, you can’t put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.”
The guy says, “No, no, It’s not for that, it’s for my arm.”
Pharmacist: “What?? What happened?”
Guy replies, “Well…I drank the whole bottle of your potion.”
Pharmacist: “Oh my god, and then what ? ”
“The girls never showed up!”
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Police Patrol
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Posted:Nov 12, 2014 8:28 pm
Last Updated:Nov 20, 2014 2:36 pm
11320 Views
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A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window. “Yes, officer?” “What are you doing?” “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.” The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”” I’m 22, sir.” “And her, what’s her age? The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes
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Johnny Again !
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Posted:Nov 12, 2014 8:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 9:48 am
11435 Views
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A teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”
Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.”
The teacher said, “That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word ‘fascinate’ in your sentence.”
Little Johnny continued, “But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!”
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Smart Or Not ?
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Posted:Nov 8, 2014 12:46 am
Last Updated:Nov 10, 2014 5:11 pm
11591 Views
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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
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Little Johnny one more time
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Posted:Nov 8, 2014 12:43 am
Last Updated:Nov 8, 2014 4:25 pm
11502 Views
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."
"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted .
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A Womans Point Of View About Bathrooms
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Posted:Oct 31, 2014 12:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2014 12:46 pm
11757 Views
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When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch.. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR !) down with your pants and assume 'The Stance'.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get'.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks..
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet.. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
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Not A Laughing Matter This Time
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Posted:Oct 30, 2014 7:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2015 9:16 pm
11895 Views
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Okay I know most men think all women want to be eaten but I must be the exception .I prefer to suck a mans cock .It turns me on more than being eaten .If you get a blow job from me you will find my pussy so wet it needs no lube .You see I have found my erogenous zone to be my mouth.If you kiss me and my toes curl well you know my pussy will start to lube .I hate guys who think they need to be forceful ,slobber, or bad breath. I love to kiss and if you kiss me and never see me again it's because your kiss just didn't do it for me .
Another thing since I have your attention is pushy guys if we meet the first time don't think because this is a sex site that I am going to drop to my knees and please .I hate pushy people and pushing just makes me back off more let me go forward at my own speed I will not be pushed unless you want to be pushed back and then we might have trouble because I am a big girl whose Uncle was a golden gloves in the army and his boys taught me how to fight lol >>
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I like Big Biutts and I Cannot Lie
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Posted:Sep 13, 2014 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2014 7:03 pm
12970 Views
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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
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Bulls
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Posted:Jan 28, 2014 5:42 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2014 1:59 pm
17927 Views
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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.
"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
"What the heck, bring me an order."
"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders.
"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."
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