If a man awoke with a vagina
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Posted:May 20, 2008 4:15 am
Last Updated:May 20, 2008 4:16 am
2790 Views
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Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if he could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.
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Why, yes! I do swallow!
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Posted:May 19, 2008 5:24 am
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2008 5:36 am
3145 Views
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If I had a dollar for every time I've been sucked into a blow job dialogue, I'd have lotsa dollars! It seems to come up fairly early in every "getting to know you" discussion between a man and woman. Fellatio also seems to be an especially hot topic among women of my age, at this stage of life we've born multiple , we're shameless, even mild-mannered PTO moms are willing to dish!
It seems to be the most diverse of all the sexual acts. Some women won't do it at all, some will lick but not suck, some will suck AND lick, some will neither suck nor lick but only kiss, some use both hands, some only use one hand as a "bumper" to prevent unfortunate gagging incidents (wimps!). Most times, the conversation includes "what to do with those pesky testicles?" I mean, there we are, eye to eye with them and now what? Should we stroke them? Cup them? Lick them? Ignore them? We all admit that we're basically flying blind when it comes to your nuts, so be patient with us.
The ultimate debate is "spit, swallow, or duck and cover?" The claws can really come out on this one. The duck and cover-ers are curious lasses; they want to know what it's like. "Does it taste yucky?" "Does it feel as nasty as it looks?" Well hell, try it once and make your own judgment! That's about all I can suggest. I will never ever ever understand spitters, I mean, you've felt and tasted it, now you decide it's a bad idea? Just swallow it and be done with it for cryin' out loud. It's not going to kill you. Even the swallowers can't agree on why gulping it down is the way to go. Some think it's tasty, according to other blogs there must be lots of pineapple consumption going on there. Some chicks slurp it up because guys dig that. I swallow because, well, what else are you gonna do with it? I certainly don't want to look at it!
I've even been party to a few "teach me how" discussions. It can't really be learned. It's a gift, an innate talent! In my mind it's a lot like singing, some girls have what it takes to hop up on the bar and belt one out and some girls can only hum quietly in the back pew. Practice, practice, practice is the only way to improve!
**Male viewpoints on this topic are appreciated and will be passed along at the next PTO meeting**
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It was a dark and stormy night....
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Posted:May 18, 2008 4:00 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2008 11:52 am
3166 Views
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....of course it was, I was camping!! We camp rain or shine, usually rain. We did see the sun, this morning as we were tearing down and packing up.
It was a really relaxing weekend though. I spent so much time just lying around that people thought I was ill. I'd just gotten absorbed in a really good book and a really cozy blanket. We had dry enough evenings that we could sit around the fire and pass the homemade wine.
The had a ball, a little bit of mud just adds to the fun. It was a little stressful this morning when I was trying to clean up the camper and all these little feet kept pitter-pattering through, so we came up with camper survivor and parked each on a post. I just hope every parent remembered to pluck down their offspring on the way out.
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Back to nature??
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Posted:May 16, 2008 5:36 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2008 4:26 pm
2929 Views
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In 12 short hours I will be at one with nature! I'll be parked by a campfire with some of my favorite people. I absolutely LIVE for these weekends.
Now, don't get any crazy ideas of me really roughing it, there are neither sleeping bags nor tents involved in my camping trips. I'll be rusticating in a behemoth of a camper, with queen size bed, full bathroom and microwave oven.
But, I'll be in the woods. Well not exactly IN the woods, but near the woods, just a short half mile from a four lane highway.
Oh, and there's a lake there... full of noisy speed boats.
I need to quit thinking about this right now, because I'm starting to wonder why I leave my lil piece of heaven that I call home to spend the weekend packed into a giant parking lot with neighboring campers 20 feet away.
I was really looking forward to the weekend too!
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Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
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Posted:May 15, 2008 3:49 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 5:58 am
2738 Views
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10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about hygiene.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next wife.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
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Time flies when you aren't having sex.
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Posted:May 13, 2008 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2008 4:00 am
2843 Views
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Two months ago I joined this site with one thought on my mind, that thought was "I'm gonna get laid, and I'm gonna get laid a lot!" I figured I'd find a handful of friends with benefits, life would be good. Somewhere along the line my plan went awry. I actually made real friends, although they're in other ways very beneficial, or at least I think they try to be, it isn't quite what I was expecting. Real friends can be a pain in the ass! They get all whiny and needy and sad and confused and hell, I had to sign up on a website for this crap?
But, they also make me laugh. One of you is always good for an incredulous chuckle (sorry bud, but your new leaf looks a lot like your old leaf) Occasionally I get a big ol' belly laugh out of a comment someone makes. "I'm a pillar of my community, I'm just horny all the time." "Oh, you should never feel stupid about being on top, you could climb up there and make duck noises for all we care!" And the piece de resistance was a friend suggesting a P.R.N. list stood for Pecker Right Now, which is strangely accurate, and definitely the funniest thing I've heard in quite awhile.
So here's to all my friends, when you're happy, I'm happy; when you're sad, I'm invisible on messenger; and if you jumped off a bridge, I'd miss your stupid ass.
Now, about those benefits.....
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Three Tough Mice
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Posted:May 10, 2008 6:23 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 5:58 am
2704 Views
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Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."
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Beauty hurts.....so does stupidity
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Posted:May 8, 2008 6:17 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2008 6:16 am
3006 Views
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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Readon...........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the . I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in... I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire...
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the , I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoohaw and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself...
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.' My head may pop off! 'What can I do to melt the wax?'
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom! !!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoohaw are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoohaw?' She's laughing out loud by now....I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be
the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!' 'It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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A lil pep talk from Eeyore
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Posted:May 7, 2008 3:56 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2008 3:42 am
2770 Views
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"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is."
"And freezing."
"Is it?"
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
~Winnie the Pooh~
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Tell me something good (tell me, tell me, tell me-ee-ee-ee)
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Posted:May 6, 2008 4:07 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2008 4:04 am
2787 Views
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Oh my heck what a day! This one could go down in history as the worst day ever! OK, that's probably an exaggeration, but as MY bad days go, this was a real stinker.
Usually I can count on my buddies to cheer me up, not today though, bad days all around there pretty much.
I guess I could start a giant pity party.
I'd rather put on my big girl pants and let you tell me about the best part of YOUR day. Now don't be shy, I NEED your help here!
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Drunk Dialing
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Posted:May 5, 2008 7:46 am
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2010 8:13 pm
2802 Views
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A wise man (or possibly just a wiseass), said that drunks and always tell the truth. What I don't understand though, is how someone can remember a phone number piss drunk, be able to dial it and carry on a conversation, but can't remember sharing intimate stories of their youth along with their entire sexual history the next day. That's why there ought to be designated dialers. There are already designated drivers, so why not assign a designated dialer early in the night to handle all your calls too? "Hello this is John, I'm calling on behalf of Ray, he is too wasted to speak to you personally right now, but he says hi and ends his love for you."
Designated dialers would be responsible for preventing drunks from pushing buttons on their phone, and if necessary, for literally breaking your fingers to prevent the following situations:
Calling up an ex you just broke up with - "(Singing) Hi, I just called to say, I love you." And I mean it from the bottom of my inebriated heart. The ex-who is more than likely still emotionally attached-stays on the line attempting to reason with you.
Calling up an ex that just broke up with you - Ah yes. The biggest call you will ever make and regret in your lifetime. Ahem, it goes something like this: "Where did we go wrong? I was happy. Truly happy with you. I miss you cuddling with me! I just want someone to cuddle with!" And by the next morning not only will you be looking for Advil, you'll be scrounging around desperately for pieces of your dignity.
Checking excess baggage with a friend - Emotional drunks are the worst kind ever (ok, yes, this one applies to me!) The violent ones just wear themselves out fighting each other, but the saps full of crap can push through 'til dawn sobbing about their problems. "She doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why!" "The bartender gave everyone free shots but me!" "Don't tell anyone but I think Keanu Reeves is a great actor."
Secret confessions -The confessor must drunkenly profess and declare every dramatic thought flowing through his dramatic little mind. And god knows it's usually an anonymous, "Hi you don't know me but I have noticed you and wanted to tell you that I think you're beautiful and that I have secretly fallen in love with you. (Giggle giggle giggle, followed by an immediate click)" Girls are guilty of this more than guys and will be forever. Period.
So here's the bottom line: some people like to talk a lot, and some people like to drink a lot. If you're doing both, well then pick a hobby. No one likes an overachiever.
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hmmm
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Posted:May 1, 2008 5:38 am
Last Updated:May 15, 2008 4:07 am
2728 Views
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"Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it's looks, most women know otherwise."
~Kathleen Turner
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a little chuckle
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Posted:Apr 30, 2008 5:08 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2008 3:29 am
2660 Views
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my , how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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To link to this blog (racyredlace) use [blog racyredlace] in your messages.
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