It cures what ails ya.
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Posted:Nov 2, 2014 4:59 am
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2014 12:50 pm
4802 Views
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A remedy....everyone needs one at some point.
The Baldwin sisters, of Walton Mountain, touted "the recipe."
Jason Mraz assures that "if you gots the poison, I gots the remedy."
I believe I have stumbled onto a cure for respiratory viruses.
Seriously.
After 9 days of tea, toddies, essential oils applied to reflex points, hours of manipulating accupressure points, a half gallon of Robitussin, steam inhalation, lots of rest, I have finally found relief!
What is the cure?! I'm sure you all want to know.
I'm not one for grandstanding, so here it is:
Fireball whiskey, 4 ounces more or less
A beer, Coors preferred. Maybe 2 beers. Hell maybe 3.
A favorite friend of your choosing.
Gather the above ingredients. Mix over several hours. Throw in some classic rock and a few squirting orgasms and you will awake in the morning a new woman! Or man. Pretty sure this works for the fellas too.
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{Insert big sigh here}
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Posted:Oct 31, 2014 4:48 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2014 8:08 pm
4503 Views
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My profile, my rules.
I'm not trying to be a bitch, but we need to get a few things straight.
**By "we", I mean me and the Senior Sizzle population at large, not me and "you." Don't take it personal, just pay a-freakin-ttention.**
When I say I'm only here for the blogs, I'm only here for the blogs. You can read mine if you want, I'll read yours if you have one.
When I say I'm not looking to meet anyone, I'm not going to meet anyone. You're not going to change that. I'm sure you're wonderful, sexy, funny, a true gentleman who's hung like a , but I don't want you. I'm not playing hard to get. I don't want anyone. I'm good where I am. Thanks for the offers though.
My friends list is exclusively people that I have had some enjoyable interaction with, I'm not in any "I have more friends that you do" contests. If we've never chatted, save your friend request, I'm not accepting it.
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Best present ever
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Posted:Oct 30, 2014 7:24 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2014 11:52 am
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What's the best gift you ever received?
This was last year's birthday gift, nothing like a gift that keeps on giving.
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Well this sucks.
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Posted:Oct 28, 2014 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2014 11:55 am
4333 Views
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I've had to give up hot toddies for Robitussin AC. No more soothing my cough with a big steamy mug full of joy and drifting off on a soft, warm whiskey cloud. I get 1-2 teaspoons of syrup. And it tastes like cough syrup. I can't complain about the buzz really, it's kinda nice. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy, relaxed, but my brain is WIDE AWAKE. Codeine is of the devil.
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All this Top Fan tomfoolery
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Posted:Oct 27, 2014 9:05 am
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2014 11:53 am
4506 Views
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**Disclaimer....I am not making fun of those who take this contest seriously, nor I am fishing for fan votes. I just have way too much time on my hands today and my mind is moving faster than my ill body can, I can handle typing, that's about it.**
While I was away, Senior Sizzle started this Top Fan Contest. If I'm understanding it correctly, I can buy points or earn points through different activities on the site. I can then use those points to become someone's top fan. Now, I can see how this would benefit me, being a free member I can't see anything. I can't even see Jack Schidt's profile. If I were on here to meet people, I guess this would be a good thing. I'm only here to blog though, so at best, it's something I can make fun of.
How does one get others to spend points to become their top fan. Is it like running for office? Do they campaign? "Cast your top fan votes for ME and I will make sure there is a cock in every pussy, a sub for every dom, and a willing 3rd for every couple wanting a 3some!"
Or is it more like a beauty pageant? "You've all seen my pretty little pussy, and please know that I will take winning the top fan contest very seriously. I will proudly reign and use my title to raise awareness about the out of control sex drives of peri-menopausal women everywhere."
Perhaps, they pick a condition and get others suffering from it to vote for them out of a sense of camaraderie "Yes, I suffer from Bitchy Resting Face, I don't like looking pissed off all the time, I just can't help it. If you suffer from BRM, please become my top fan. We need to show the world that even those of us who can't smile are beautiful and deserving of fans. Thank you  "
I suppose meeting and fucking a bunch of people would gain you some fans. If it doesn't, you could send messages like "Hey Joe, it's me, I just really thought you'd be my top fan since I took it in the ass" or "Hey, I thought you said you'd be my top fan if I gave you a rim job." DON'T be this girl, get the votes first ladies!
I'm sure some votes are pity votes, some nice person is browsing and hits a profile and thinks "oh wow, this hideous heifer has no fans, I can throw 50 points her way."
It does seem people are enjoying the contest, and it's genius marketing to be honest. I just don't get it.
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How early is too early
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Posted:Oct 27, 2014 7:39 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2014 4:04 pm
4435 Views
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At what time of day is it appropriate to drink a Hot Toddy? I've spent the last few days in a war against respiratory virus. I tried the "wet sock treatment", that's where you soak a pair of thin cotton socks in water and put them in the fridge while you soak your feet in the hottest water you can stand for 20 minutes, then put the cold, wet socks on and some wool soaks over top. The theory is your body immediately goes into overdrive trying to reach homeostasis and that means your immune system ramps up and just pulverizes the virus. I didn't like it. I'm ok with lots of uncomfortable sensations, wet socks are just disgusting. Socks in general bother me, I'm a barefoot kinda girl, that was torture. Being a skeptical optimist concerning all things "crunchy", or holistic, or hippie-esque, I'll try new things. Learned reflexology, with and without essential oil, that shit actually works. How rubbing eucalyptus oil on your toes clears your sinuses, I do not know, but it works. I'd give the different oil remedies 2 thumbs up, I'm on day 5 of this battle and feel like I usually do on day 8 or 9, so it cut a couple days off. Out of all the remedies I tried, I feel the Hot Toddy worked best, 2 ounces of whiskey, 1 Tbsp of honey, 1 tsp of lemon, 4 ounces of hot water, "sip until relaxed." Relaxation came about the time it was halfway gone, I finished just for good measure. You know how they say to take ALL your medication, don't stop taking it when you feel better, you must finish it all. So I did. So now it's morning, I'm taking a sick day from work, I work with old folks, they don't need this shit. I'm thinking a Hot Toddy is in order, it might not cure me, but it makes being sick a little more tolerable.
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Reason for Being Late
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Posted:Oct 23, 2014 6:21 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2014 7:41 am
4559 Views
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Why is my late to school? Because school bus drivers are fucking assholes, that's why. If pick up time is 6:50, that means the bus should to the end of my driveway at 6:50, not anywhere between 6:43 and 6:46. The driver and I have a secret code, if she's early and my are heading out, I flip on the outside light, and she waits. Unless it's after 6:45, she has left a in the driveway at 6:45. A clearly in plain sight, running for the bus, she's left. Fucking Asshole.
On those unfortunate mornings that one of more of them miss the bus, I have 2 choices. I can either have everyone sprint to the car and zoom down the road, up another road, make a left, make a right, and meet her at another bus stop. The other choice is finish my coffee, brush my hair and teeth, maybe put on pants and a bra, and drive them to school. This is the option I choose, because my chances of catching her at another stop are slim. Somehow she beats me, even though I'm driving a mile less, and not stopping to pick up . Fucking asshole.
The morning certainly doesn't get easier once I've committed myself to being their transportation. I have to fight morning traffic in a small town, with a large college. (College will be addressed in another blog, they're fucking assholes too, especially the one in the little white Kia that I almost broadsided this morning) While I'm running the OMG the are gonna be late 500, I often meet buses that have already dropped the high school and middle school are now on their elementary run. So I have to stop so they can get them. Then I make my way through town to campus. Now it really gets hairy. Buses have to go from the high school to middle school, to get there they have to cross the entrance road that I am tearing up to get my where they need to be. The buses have a stop sign, I do not. They don't stop. They come through like a funeral procession. I am now 50 feet from where I can drop my high school off, but I can't get there because there's a steady stream of buses running the damn stop sign. Fucking Assholes. Soon I'm pissed enough that I just go, I have the right of way, they have a stop sign. By now the high schooler is late, and I have to drive halfway around the school and drop her at the main door. Then I have to turn around, fight my way back through the line of buses, out to the main road, around the Middle school to the designated drop off for the little guy. He makes it 4 steps from the car and the bell rings, doors lock and the custodian looks at us, shrugs, mouths "sorry" and walks away. Back in the car, back on the road, back to the entrance, into the front parking lot. Now I have to actually get out of the car and go into the school. I fix my ponytail, whip off my socks so I don't look like a dork running around in socks and flipflops, and zip my jacket to try to hide my free range boobs. We trot into the school, the secretary hands him a late pass and I fill out the "late to school" sheet. I had to write really small, but I managed to fit "bus drivers are a-holes" in the "reason for being late" column. As I'm walking out I realize there is only one bus driver left in the lobby, leaning on the wall casually drinking coffee, and it's my ' bus driver, the one who was 7 minutes early and didn't wait even though the light was on and the were running out the door as she pulled away. Fucking Asshole.
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!
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Posted:Oct 22, 2014 6:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 27, 2014 7:41 am
3875 Views
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Raising is weird. There are times that you look at your and think you're totally screwing it all up. He won't still in class. He won't do his math homework. He talks back at every opportunity. He torments his sisters. He end up in detention after losing his cool and telling a classmate to "fuck off." (the needed someone to tell him that btw) He seems like this wild beast and you really fear he's not going to end a contributor to polite society. Then one day, he misses the bus, so you mutter under your breath and haul his scrawny ass to school. When you pull up, he tears out of the car, says a quick "bye mom" and runs down the side walk. You sit there watching him shove his way through , thinking he's being a brat, wondering why he's being so rough, wondering why he couldn't even say "oh and thanks for driving me, I love you." Then there's enough of a clearing in the swarm of that you can see your , your brat, on his hands and knees, helping a special needs classmate pick up all of the stuff that was knocked from his hands as the other hustled by him. 50 trying to get into school, not paying attention to what's going on around them. One on the ground, helping, showing kindness, and he's yours. Well, when that happens you'll most likely have to pull into a spot in the corner of the parking lot, maybe cry a minute, and realize that for all his faults, he's a pretty damn good . He's good at what's important, he can love and be kind and won't hesitate to jump into the melee to help. Maybe, just maybe, he's going to turn out alright.
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Yeah, I do miss blogging
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Posted:Oct 21, 2014 8:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2014 7:52 pm
4006 Views
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My oh my how the time does fly! I was surprised to see it's been 5 1/2 years since my last entry. Wow. I've been busy I guess. Not a lot has changed. I guess Stevie Nicks had it right when she sang about time makes you bolder, get older, I'm getting older too. I'm bolder, maybe just less tolerant, not sure. are getting older, not sure how that happened. I'm getting older too, I don't really feel it though, still have to do math to figure out what my actual age is.
Soo, what's changed? Lost my dad. Kept some good friends. Accidentally got a job. Oh, not a real job, more like they pay me to come around when I have time. It's fun, I like it. Hmmm, what else....got a mini van, swore I'd die before I'd drive one....stopped using shampoo, still wash my hair, just use weird stuff like soapnuts and peppermint tea. Don't judge me, my hair is probably nicer than yours. Ok, so maybe I haven't been busy, I really don't have much to report. Discovered BDSM, love it, I'm a sub, who knew that shit could be fun?
I'm thinking this blog will be my therapy room, you know, a place where I can just spew what's really on my mind, not just the polite "Yay, I'm so proud of my " stuff that's acceptable on other social media. You know where I mean, that place where you befriend the people you really hated in high school, and the aunt you really don't want knowing you business, the coworker you have nothing in common with. You're all welcome to stop in and see what's up, you don't have to, I mean, I don't know any of you, my feelings won't be hurt.
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Could you open them a little wider...
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Posted:Mar 17, 2009 11:05 am
Last Updated:Apr 14, 2009 7:57 am
4391 Views
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Well sure I can! If you ask me nice and you're not a dentist! Actually, I opened wider for him too, because if I didn't a lip was coming off. It just pisses me off that my broken tooth didn't hurt at all before I saw him, now, that the three shots of Novacaine have worn off I'm miserable! So I'll go do what all good Irish gals do on St Paddy's Day, crack open some whiskey and take a lil nappy before the kiddies come home.
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Not just magically delicious!
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Posted:Feb 16, 2009 8:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2009 5:41 am
4318 Views
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Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: Make sure you tell me your favorite!
(I like green clovers!)
Green clovers:
If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.
Blue diamonds:
If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
Orange Stars:
If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.
Pink hearts:
If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
Purple horseshoes:
If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?
Yellow Moons:
If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.
Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all:
If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
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Anyone have any extra Christmas spirit?
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Posted:Dec 3, 2008 5:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2024 9:9 pm
4316 Views
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Eventually I will feel like decking the halls. I think. But today this is the perfect song for my spirit.
The Rebel Jesus, by Jackson Browne
All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants windows are all bright
With the faces of the
And the families hurrying to their homes
As the sky darkens and freezes
Theyll be gathering around the hearths and tales
Giving thanks for all gods graces
And the birth of the rebel jesus
Well they call him by the prince of peace
And they call him by the savior
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
As they fill his churches with their pride and gold
And their faith in him increases
But theyve turned the nature that I worshipped in
From a temple to a robbers den
In the words of the rebel jesus
We guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why they are poor
They get the same as the rebel jesus
But please forgive me if I seem
To take the tone of judgement
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In this life of hardship and of earthly toil
We have need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel jesus.
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If the broom fits, fly it!
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Posted:Nov 21, 2008 6:09 am
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2008 7:59 am
4148 Views
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Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As Branch Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".
"Are you fucking kidding me?" What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... Always.
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To link to this blog (racyredlace) use [blog racyredlace] in your messages.
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