International Intrigue: Fish Out of Water
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Posted:Sep 20, 2015 7:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2015 9:01 am
39255 Views
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Needless to say, Arab customs are very different from those in the west, and if you're a woman who finds herself traveling to the area one should be prepared to learn the customs. Although Arabs are understanding and unlikely to take offense at social faux pas, provided they arise from ignorance rather than malice, it’s important to realize that you are a visitor and must therefore adapt to certain customs and social behavior of the region.
My Army unit deployed to the area in December of 1990. I was 19 years old, blonde and fair skinned with no understanding of the culture. My experience being in the Persian Gulf region (Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Kuwait) could best be described as "Fish out of Water" mainly because back in the early 1990's the military did little to educate soldiers and women particularly about the customs. The military has since improved upon acclimating current soldiers deploying into the region.
After the ground war and peace talks, my unit returned to a large military housing installation near Dhahran Saudi Arabia called Khobar Towers.
After cleaning and loading our equipment on ships at the port to be transported back to the U.S., (a daunting task) we were granted a day pass to go into the city for R& R. The only instruction given to soldiers were that females must always have a male accompanying them at all times and could not wonder off alone.
After arriving in the city with my escort, I found myself being followed by a small group of 20-something Arab men. Apparently, men considered a blonde headed woman a novelty. Despite being attired in my battle dress uniform (BDU's) with my hair braided up in a coil on my head, the men asked my male if they could photograph me. Weird, I thought but, so be it. After that, we had to lose them because they literally would not stop following us around and taking pictures of us. Now I know how animals at the zoo feel.
We were hungry so we made our way to a local dining establishment. A male worker quickly met us at the door and pointed to the stairwell advising that if I was to eat there, we had to be seated "upstairs in the family section" as only men were allowed to dine on the ground level.
There are two distinct types of women’s clothing in the region: one for locals, the other for expatriates. Outside the home, most Arab women dress according to custom, which means that they must cover most of the body, from head to foot. The traditional black overgarment (abaya) is ankle length with long sleeves and a high neckline, and the hair is covered. Some Arab women are totally covered, including their face and hands, especially Saudis and those with strictly religious husbands. This is meant to protect women from unwanted attention, and in Saudi Arabia even foreign women must wear an abaya outside the home; the religious police will stop any woman who has her head uncovered and direct her to cover her hair immediately.
A shopkeeper persuaded me to try on the traditional Arabic abaya over my BDU's, and my thought it was a neat idea to photograph me while so attired. Those photos of me were seized by customs prior to leaving the port because it is a sign of disrespect to photograph any woman in traditional dress and those caught violating this could be subject to disciplinary penalties.
All in all, it was difficult for me to fathom the idea of women being regarded in what I felt was a repressive, subservient manner. It made me appreciate the freedom that we have and often take for granted here in the U.S.
Please take the time to view the contributions that other bloggers have made to the 12th Virtual Symposium. Click this link to view the list of participants: Participants List For The Twelfth Virtual Symposium International Intrigue. Have a wonderful day.
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Beers and Blues
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Posted:Sep 19, 2015 5:53 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2015 3:12 am
29654 Views
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I'm excited! After a phenomenally hot late summer, fall like weather has started to arrive here in Kansas! My friend Julie and I are taking advantage of it today by making our annual trek across the state to one of the best free blues festivals in Kansas. I'm pretty excited. A day of live music (some of the best up and coming blues artists) coupled with my second fave: FOOD!
I spent the better part of last night preparing our picnic: cheese stuffed tortellini pasta salad with smoked salmon, Italian pinwheels, and fruit infused sangria! Aside from listening to some fantastic blues music, I also like to people watch. It's interesting to see the different people that turn up at these festivals.
Aside from having sex (Duh, we are on a sex site!) what activities do you enjoy doing in the fall?
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9
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Increasing Frequency of Sex Does Not Predict Increased Happiness
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Posted:Sep 17, 2015 7:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2015 6:40 am
29053 Views
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Imagine that you started having sex twice as often as you were right now. How do you think you would feel? Although most people would probably assume that their happiness would increase, they might not necessarily be correct. How could that be? It's just common sense that more sex = more happiness, isn't it? As it turns out, we tend to be pretty bad at predicting our future emotional states. Called affective forecasting, essentially this means that you won't know how you'll feel about a given situation until you're in it.
So what actually happens when people start increasing the frequency with which they have sex? Does it truly make them happier?
At first glance, this advice would seem to be supported by science. Repeated studies have found a positive correlation between relationship satisfaction and sexual frequency, meaning that the happiest couples tend to be the ones who have the most sex. Taking a cue from the research may not have the desired effect in this case, though.
Researchers published a study in the Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization (a seemingly unlikely place for a sex study), where 128 male-female married couples participated. To be eligible for the study, the partners had to be free of chronic health conditions and not currently have any sexual problems. On average, participants were in their mid-40s, mostly white, college-educated and on their first marriage. The couples were having sex about 5-6 times per month as a baseline.
Couples were assigned to two different groups. Those who were instructed to increase their sexual frequency did so, but doubling it seemed difficult to achieve. On average, sexual frequency increased about 40 percent in this group. Surprisingly, however, an increase in sexual frequency did not translate to an increase in happiness. In fact, just the opposite was observed. The couples who increased their sexual frequency were less happy than the control group for all three months of the study.
So why weren’t couples who had more sex happier in the end? Researchers concluded that doubling instructions “affected the couples’ intrinsic motivation to have sex.” In other words, perhaps sex went from being a voluntary and spontaneous thing to something that became more planned and obligatory.
So, it would seem that the key to increasing happiness lies not in the frequency of sexual encounters but in spontaneity of sexual encounters and increasing intimacy through removal of emotional roadblocks. Interesting stuff.
What do you think? Do you feel the results of the study are valid?
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No Sexual Chemistry
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Posted:Sep 15, 2015 7:00 am
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2015 12:33 pm
28498 Views
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Imagine this: you are on a date with a really great person. Your date is smart, sexy, funny, and just your type. You almost can't believe how perfect your date is…until you hook up. No butterflies, no goose bumps, nothing. You completely fall flat.
Can chemistry be created with someone whom you don't feel an initial attraction to? According to the experts at the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in New York the answer is, "maybe". "Chemistry is complicated," says Bat Sheva Marcus, Ph.D. "It's not binary. Chemistry is much more gradient than that."
So if chemistry is gradient, can you turn up the heat? Experts recommend exercise to increase sexual endorphins, imagining your partner is hard to get, fantasizing about others, trying different locations, experimenting with aromas and to keep trying (up to a point).
Have you ever found yourself in this predicament? A person looks good on paper but just can't seem to fire you up in the bedroom? Have you stayed in a relationship or married a partner whom you had no sexual chemistry with? Were you able to improve sexual chemistry?
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5
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Ghosting: The Ultimate Silent Treatment
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Posted:Sep 13, 2015 1:17 pm
Last Updated:Sep 17, 2015 3:23 am
28846 Views
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Several years ago, I met a guy from this site. I was reluctant to get involved due to the distance factor (he was an hour away) but I justified it because I was attending grad school in a nearby city. After a few really decent dates, he invited me to spend the night and I accepted. The sex was great. We met every few weeks for about two months with me doing all the traveling (one red flag) to him. After one weekend, I texted him, per our usual and he never responded. Nothing. Nada. Days turned into weeks. I didn't want to seem like a stalker so I stopped texting. I still don't know what caused him to vaporize like a fart in the wind.
Little did I realize at the time, but I had been "ghosted." "Ghosting" is a phenomenon that refers to ceasing all contact with someone without any explanation.
Ghosting isn't exclusive to romantic relationships. It can occur with platonic and business relationships as well.
The recipient might be left scratching their head in confusion, or worse yet, diving into their deepest insecurities for answers. For me, I pondered every minute interaction. Did I not do this? Could I have done that better? After evaluating everything, I realized something. Cowards just disappear. And he was a coward for ending it this way. This was not about me, this was about him and his inability to sever a relationship in a mature way. To work through my anger, that's how I justified it to myself.
According to research, chances are likely that you've probably ghosted someone before, too.
So, what causes someone to ghost someone? According to Psychology Today, there are many psychological reasons why someone ghosts, but at its core, ghosting is avoidance and often stems from fear of conflict. Which means, at its heart, ghosting is about avoiding confrontation, avoiding difficult conversations and avoiding hurting someone's feelings.
It's important to distinguish the "ghosting" phenomenon from escaping an unsafe or abusive relationship. You have every right to escape the latter without further communication, in whatever way keeps you physically and emotionally safe. However, if your motivation for disappearing is avoidance, then you might want to consider a better way to end a relationship.
Relationship research shows that ghosting (a.k.a. avoidance) is the worst way to terminate relationships, according to recipients, and can actually lead to bigger confrontations down the line. While ghosting seems to have become pervasive over the last decade, and many people point to more online dating apps and fading decorum around courting as causes -- ghosting is nothing new.
Most people don't look forward to tough conversations, and breaking up certainly falls in that category. Fear of disappointing someone, looking like the "bad guy," or dealing with someone's direct anger can cause anxiety. But the more "ghosts" avoid conflict, the more their anxiety builds over time.
Many of the issues "ghosts" avoid are likely problems that might have been sorted out through open communication.
Each time we think about having a tough conversation, anxiety and fear of conflict can take over, resulting in avoidance behavior to suppress fear. I have been guilty of this myself. I loathe conflict and try to avoid it at all costs. "It's not you, it's me." Sound familiar? I've delivered that speech to a few men when ending a relationship rather than being honest. I've resented myself later for it but I didn't want to be the bad guy.
If you are a chronic ghoster, working through anxiety by confronting small fears with someone safe is a baby step toward conquering bigger relationship conflicts.
Have you experienced ghosting? If so, were you the ghost or the recipient? How did it make you feel? Were you able to handle/overcome it?
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11
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Judge Not..
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Posted:Sep 10, 2015 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Sep 14, 2015 3:28 am
27122 Views
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Disclaimer: the following is a rant. Step away from my blog now if you were expecting a flowery feel-good post.
I received an email today from a member who I had never corresponded with. I must say, this person wins the award for the rudest email I have received thus far in my over 9 years of being on this site. Here is what it said in its entirety: "myelin36 you have cellulite on your thighs."
Seriously? I get an email to tell me that?! You know something? I know I have cellulite on my thighs. Do I make an attempt to hide it? No. Victoria Secret models have cellulite on their thighs! At least my photos are REAL. I don't airbrush my imperfections. I fucking embrace them!
To the member who attempted to bait me into replying to your asinine email, I refuse to give you the satisfaction of a reply. Before deciding to judge someone you've never even met, perhaps you should take a really hard look at yourself.
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9
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Liar
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Posted:Sep 8, 2015 7:29 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2015 6:56 pm
27058 Views
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He doesn't realize that every time he lies,
He's committing suicide in front of me.
He's killing everything I see in him.
If only he could honest be.
Because God knows, I hate to watch him bleed.
~Anonymous
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The "Positivity" Project
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Posted:Sep 6, 2015 9:17 am
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2015 6:50 am
34590 Views
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We have all heard horror stories and rants about meets going incredibly wrong, members being tricked, lied to, or "Catfished." It's no wonder cynicism among members on this site and others is at an all time high.
The inspiration behind this blog post and creation of the "Positivity Project" is two fold: instill hope among jaded members that true diamonds in the rough exist on this site and in spite of obvious obstacles we frequently encounter, successful meets and connections DO occur. Those who have had successful encounters realize something: having a positive attitude IS key to success.
Hopefully through creation of the positivity project, we can prove that this site is not a complete waste of time and resources! This is where you come in! I would like to elicit your feedback. If you've experienced a positive connection/meet or experience with this site, I would like you to share it with us in the comments section.
Special thanks to sweetlips_03 for the inspiration behind this blog post. Feel free to promote this on your blog if you are so inclined.
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15
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Could Cynicism Be Destroying Your Chances of Success With This Site?
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Posted:Sep 2, 2015 6:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2015 10:06 am
29678 Views
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“Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman
“I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” – anonymous
We are all judgmental. Yes, even you. I certainly am, many times. I think it’s human nature.
And yet, while it is in our nature to be judgmental, I don’t think it’s always useful to us. We look down on others, as if we are so much better … and that creates division between people.
Think about it for a second: we see someone, and based on their looks or actions, we pass judgment on them. Not good judgment, either. Usually without even knowing the person. And that’s it — that’s usually the extent of our interaction with that person. We don’t make an effort to get to know the person, or understand them, or see whether our judgment was right or not.
And let’s consider what happens when we pass judgment on people we do know. We see something they do, and get angry at it, or disappointed in the person, or think worse of them. We judge, without understanding. And that’s the end of it — we don’t try to find out more, and through communication begin to understand, and through understanding begin to build a bridge between two human beings.
I received an email this morning from someone whom I have never corresponded with. It went something like this: "I wish you were real."
I had to take a deep breath and pause before responding. It is a pet peeve of mine to be stereotyped or falsely labeled. That alone will usually incur my wrath. However, I bit my tongue and responded accordingly: "I wish when emailing that you could be more respectful and a lot less judgmental."
Guys, how is accusing a woman of being fake working out for you? I mean, are you seeing a lot of action with that pick-up line?
Perhaps he could have done some homework before labeling or judging me to be fake. For example, does the person maintain a blog? Are profile photos real or "altered"? Does the member have testimonials from bonafide members with active profiles?
Can you build a bridge with every single person you meet? Probably not. That takes time and effort, two things we’re usually short on anyways. But I’ve found that taking that extra time, even just once a day, can make a huge difference.
Avoid passing judgment and instead work toward building a bridge. We shouldn't burn the bridge even before it's built.
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12
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Small Town Girl in a Big City
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Posted:Aug 30, 2015 1:57 pm
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2015 3:55 am
28726 Views
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The past 24 hours have been somewhat of a blur beginning Saturday morning at 0200. For those non-military folks, that is 0 dark thirty. I showered, assembled my overnight bag, drove an hour and 10 minutes to the airport and boarded a plane headed to Chicago at 0600.
After landing in Chicago, my friend and fellow blogging companion picked me up and we drove into the city. For a small town girl who spent most of her life growing up on an 80 acre farm, you could say it was a bit of a culture shock but one of the pleasant variety.
After arriving at the apartment and unpacking, we both were famished. So we did what any hungry person would do: we walked 8? blocks to his favorite breakfast place. Walking. Ah yes, we did plenty of that yesterday. Because anyone who lives in a big city knows that's what you do.
After feasting on a wonderful omelet, I had to sample my companion's chaquiles which were extremely good. On the walk back, we decided to explore the Farmer's Market and that's when the foodie in me got a wonderful idea: we bought fresh peppers, zucchini and peaches so we could prepare dinner together. Because anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE to cook!
After returning to the apartment, we spent the afternoon getting reacquainted with each other. And we made a cobbler with the fresh peaches. We had to walk to the store to get a few things to go with dinner which included vanilla bean bourbon laced ice-cream. Oh yes, can you say foodgasm?! My palate wasn't the only thing that had a "gasm" this weekend. 
We dined on a gourmet dinner: fresh Italian sausage stuffed bell peppers which he made, bourbon chicken infused stuffed poblano peppers wrapped with applewood smoked bacon (my contribution), Spanish rice, and the cobbler a'la mode.
In addition to all the walking we did (5 miles!) we managed to get in quite a lot of other calorie-burning activities so I didn't feel guilty one bit for indulging! One regret: just missing the wine and food festival which we stumbled upon during one of our walks that featured celebrity chefs. That alone will definitely warrant a return trip next year!
I managed to capture a few photos while up on the 30th floor of the apartment building because my was adamant that I take some "for her."
I was back on a plane headed to Wichita this morning at 1000, which cut short an otherwise amazing weekend with an amazing guy.
To the blogger I shared this adventure with, "THANK YOU." I think I might like the big city after all.
XOXO,
{=} myelin
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12
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Why I Could Never Be in a LTR
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Posted:Aug 27, 2015 7:06 am
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2015 6:04 am
28766 Views
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I think most of us get to a certain point in our lives where we become very comfortable with certain routines. For me, routines help to promote structure by keeping a busy life as a single parent and self-employed business owner manageable. Also, routines reinforce safety and security.
Call me anal-retentive, call me OCD, but I like things a certain way. This week my routine has been disrupted. I'm not happy about it. Not one bit and I have no one to blame for it but myself.
Self disclosure: Probably none of my watchers know (except maybe one or two) that I have lived with roommates off and on for about 7 years. The majority of my roommates have been male. I know what you are thinking, "What woman can have a male roommate without fucking them?!"
Me that's who. My last roommate lived with me for 4 years. It was a pretty ideal situation: he was here at night, gone every weekend. Barely knew he was here. He would help fix things that needed repair. I smiled all the way to the bank on that one.
But alas, as with all good things, sometimes they must come to an end. He moved on to greener pastures last month.
This week I acquired a new roommate, also male who at 37 is much older than my former roommate. There are definite differences surrounding the rental agreement with this roommate: he is an Iraq veteran, a divorced single dad, using his GI Bill to further his education. He is on a tight budget, attending college full-time. He pays support and expenses for school leaving little money for housing.
I guess you could say that I am a sucker for helping people. Especially veterans, being a veteran of Desert Storm myself. So, we worked out a deal: He would fix and maintain things and do outdoor work in exchange for rent.
I got used to my old roommate who never bothered me. I hardly knew he was here. However, this guy is a different story. He wants to bond with me. He is home during the day far more than I expected him to be. Fuck, that cuts into my "me" (masturbation) time!
I woke up this morning and discovered he had opened the window in his room completely oblivious to the fact that I had the fucking air conditioner on. I had to gently (haha) remind him that if he gets too hot, he will have to buy himself a fan because my and I prefer a warmer environment. He's getting free room and board so he can deal.
Anyway, as an introvert who needs space, this new roommate damper is challenging every fiber of my being. I hope that I can adapt. We shall see. And this is why I could never co-habitate with a lover. I am sure any little quirk they have would drive me fucking crazy.
Anyhow, thanks for the ear. Rant over.
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4
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Adversity
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Posted:Aug 25, 2015 4:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2015 9:43 pm
28410 Views
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This is a good take away for all of us, no matter what stage of life you’re in. You’ll see what I mean.
A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her – her husband had cheated on her and she was devastated. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a mug.
Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’
‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.
Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’
Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
May we all be like the COFFEE.
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To link to this blog (myelin36) use [blog myelin36] in your messages.
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