The Affair
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Posted:Aug 27, 2017 3:09 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
2569 Views
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $50, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,
'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Sixers season tickets.
HE paid for our house in Margate
HE paid for your African tour
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
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The Parking Ticket
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Posted:Aug 12, 2017 5:18 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
3310 Views
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Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a policeman
writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an arsehole. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So the wife called him a shit head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the decal on the rear window that read: "I support Donald Trump."
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
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A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO...!!!
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Posted:Aug 28, 2016 10:44 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
5318 Views
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A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO...!!!
Yesterday I was at Costco, buying a large bag of
Purina chow for my loyal pet, Owen,
the Wonder and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on
impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care, because the food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped
to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
Well, I thought the guy behind her was going to have
a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch
what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to
think of crazy things to say.
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THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND
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Posted:Jun 21, 2016 6:47 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
5798 Views
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In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.
(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony)
A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the center dancer, release them.
The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok
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2 Quickies
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Posted:Jun 6, 2016 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:23 pm
6363 Views
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2 Quickies
1. At The Psychiatrist's Office
A man goes to see a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening she goes down to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
2. Vengeance
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said to his wife.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly. "What is it?"
"Six months after I die," said John, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," said his wife.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
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At The Gym Part One
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Posted:May 27, 2016 7:33 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:24 pm
7266 Views
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So...I went to the gym in the gated golf community where I live. It's about a mile walk from my house. When I arrived, I settled into my usual routine on the machines, ab crunches, leg work,shoulder work and some arm work. Then I did some flex work with the medium and large balls and moved onto free weights. I had no intention of hopping on the treadmill as I usually take the longer 2 mile walk back to the house but, and there always is a but, I noticed an attractive mature woman on one of the treadmills so I decided to get on the vacant one next to her. She was about 55-60, in good shape,slim, blonde curly hair, wearing black tight fitting shorts revealing a nice ass. I noticed she had a Kindle on the little shelf on the treadmill. I said hello and asked what she was reading. There was no response. I glanced over and saw a page that gave me the impression that it was from 50 Shades. I said to her that I've read that book. She replied, "Really? I thought only women were reading this trash." I said to her, " Well...I have an interest in BDSM and wanted to find out what why this book was so popular." After a few more minutes, she said to me, "Let's talk over at the cafe." I agreed. I didn't know what to expect. She wasn't wearing a wedding ring and neither was I as I left it at home- it bothers me when I use the machines and weights. After ordering our respective drinks- she had coffee and I had OJ as I don't drink coffee- she said to me, "I want to be spanked. I asked my late husband to do it many times but he wouldn't. He was 15 years older than me and old school and just liked to do missionary without much foreplay. " Needless to say, I was somewhat shocked at this sudden turn of events, I looked at her, noticed that her nipples seemed to be hard. She was wearing a black tank top or cami. Taking a chance, I then said that I'm available. She said, " Now?" I said, "Yes" We went to her house in her golf cart and she quickly removed her workout clothes in the living room and said, "Join me in the shower." I did. I marveled at her firm body and begin to touch her all over, gently soaping her breasts and working my way down. As I did, I moved to her thighs and rubbed over her pussy, just barely touching her quite hairy bush,. When I did she moaned and grabbed my now erect cock and said, "Spank me now. On the bed." I then said to her that this would be something she would enjoy. I told her firmly to get on the bed face down and ass up. She said, "Yes Sir!"
And then, I went back to the bath room and found a hair brush to use for her spanking. I was wearing my gym shorts so I did not have a belt to use. When I returned to the bed room, I told her that I was going to spank her, that she was not to talk unless spoken to, that she could not cum unless I allowed her, that she was going to be mine from now on and I would use her as I saw fit. I then said, "Do you understand that?" She said, "Yes Sir!"
I showed her the brush. Her eyes widened. I proceeded to caress her legs, her thighs, her back, her neck and pulled her hair back. As I did so, I whispered in her ear, "You are MINE." I then began to caress her ass, touching her ever so slightly at first and then gradually increasing the pressure with my hands. She started moaning, I then took the brush in my right hand and began moving it on her ass. I told her I was now going to give her 20 whacks with the brush and that she would count them for me, loud and clear. She said, "Yes Sir!" I then smacked the right side. "One" she said, loudly. I continued harder with each whack, alternating sides, until I reached 13 when she barely could say the number. I told her, "I said loud and clear!" I noticed a glowing redness on both sides of her beautiful ass. I said, "14 better be loud and clear or I'll start over." She said, "Yes Sir!" I then proceeded to 20. I noticed tears streaming down her face as I walked around her after each whack but she counted loud and clear. I also noticed a bright redness there, as red a spanked ass as I've ever given. I found my smartphone and took a picture for my vault. I then said to her, "You're such a good girl. Now get off your knees and lay down, face up"
I moved over to her on the bed and told her to raise her hands above her head. I then tied them with pantyhose that I found in her dresser as I walked to her. A 4poster bed would have been better but this will make do. I moved down and spread her legs. As I did, I said , "Remember, my naughty girl, you will not cum until I give you permission." She said, "Yes Sir!" I began caressing her breasts, stomach, thighs and legs with my hands. Soon, I moved over her pussy, barely touching her hairy bush. Then I started slapping her pussy, slowly and softly at first;then faster and firmer. After about 5 minutes, I sensed she was about to orgasm as I noticed her stomach heaving and that she was breathing rapidly. I reminded her again not to cum. I continued for about 2 more minutes when she started moaning and said, "Now Sir?" I lightly slapped her face and said ,"Not until I say so!" I continued for another 2 minutes , slowly and harder, walking around the bed. As I did, I noticed tears streaming down her face. I placed myself between her legs again and said, " Now you may cum." She moaned and screamed in ecstasy and then said, "Thank you Sir" I moved up next to her untied her and held her, kissed her, played with her hair and said, "Now you will receive your reward. Now get off the bed and on your knees."
She was on the floor on her knees waiting for me. She opened her mouth. My cock was ready for her. Moving closer to her, I moved my cock around her lips...slowly. Gradually, I entered her mouth and said, "Lick it and suck it." She did, showing her enthusiasm. I caressed her curly blonde hair as she continued for what seemed like an eternity. I then stepped back and said to her, " I want to watch you play with yourself. Take your hand and start rubbing your clit." She did as I watched from above as she went faster and faster. After a few minutes, she moaned and asked for permission to cum. I told her that I want to continue watching. "It turns me on to see you doing this." Finally, after a few more minutes of watching, I gave her permission. She moaned and screamed again. As she did I moved towards her and slid my cock in her mouth as she was cumming and I exploded in her mouth. I saw her smile as she said, "Thank you Sir." . I said, "You are a good girl. You are learning. I must leave now. " As I got dressed, she said, " See you at the gym same time Monday, as usual ?" I said, " You can count on it and when we do, I'll shave your hairy bush.In the meantime, don't you dare touch yourself.
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Real Estate Agents
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Posted:Apr 16, 2016 1:39 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
6148 Views
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She was in her late 40's, classy, real estate sales. I met her when we were selling our house and buying a newer one. She worked with us for about 2 and a half months. There seemed to me, looking back now, that there was that look between us right from the start but neither one of us acted on it.
Skip ahead about a year and we bumped into each other at a small convenience store. We talked while in line. On the way out to our cars, she said she had just picked up a great piece of property- a 175k house going for 100k or less. She mentioned that I should come take a look as it wouldn't be on the market long.
It sounded interesting so off we go in separate cars. I followed her. The house was only a mile away and we pulled into the driveway. I followed her inside and after she closed the door, she starts unbuttoning her blouse and said, "let's fuck." I was out of my pants and shirt in seconds and then helped her out of the rest of her clothes. The house was empty so we got down on the carpet and did a 69 as I started eating her pussy while she sucked my cock. Her cunt was dripping wet with her juices and my saliva, and the way she was arching her hips and moaning I knew she was coming. I started fucking her mouth, and she was getting in to it, reaching around and gripping my ass with both of her hands and pulling me deeper inside of her mouth until I pumped a hot load inside. She took it all like a champ and kept right on sucking. I was able to pull out of her, pivot around, slip my cock inside of her juicy wet pussy and started fucking her. It didn't take long to give her two good orgasms.
After, we dressed, kissed at the door and went on our separate ways. That was 20 years ago.
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I was hungry...
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Posted:Apr 9, 2016 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:27 pm
6263 Views
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I strapped her in on the bed with red restraints full spread eagle and "played" with her body before I placed a dildo inside her and a Magic Wand on her clit ; I made her cum many times and her legs were quivering as I began to fuck her. She could barely breathe. Every nerve in her body was exploding. Then I undid her right hand so I could go down on her as I was now between her legs. Then I strapped her in again and went down on her for more. I was hungry.
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Older Men...
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Posted:Apr 6, 2016 5:17 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2024 1:14 am
6154 Views
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Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't give a fuck what you think."
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Mathematical help....
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Posted:Mar 16, 2016 1:46 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:28 pm
6443 Views
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The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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A Playful Night
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Posted:Mar 15, 2016 4:52 pm
Last Updated:Mar 15, 2016 10:37 pm
6637 Views
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I can be very playful. I met a woman a few years on another site.We had been emailing for awhile and met for the first time at a local restaurant. During our meal, I playfully asked what color were her panties. She told me black. I asked her to go to the ladies restroom, remove them and return and show them to me. She did. I took them from her. For the rest of our time together, she told me she was wet and horny and really wanted sex.,,,and it happened when i asked if she wanted to take our meeting private. She agreed. She told me she was so horny knowing that I knew she wasn't wearing panties. I found a nearby hotel. She drove there and met me in the room. I immediately kissed her and pulled her hair and told her I was going to use her as I saw fit. She melted as I pushed her on the bed, pulled down her slacks and licked her pussy for what seemed like hours as she came multiple times. Then we fucked every which way and she came many more times.I then told her to suck my cock as she kneeled before me. I had great stamina that night and eventually came in her mouth. An evening well done. There were more...
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Joke of the Day
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Posted:Feb 5, 2016 7:42 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:28 pm
7305 Views
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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and
sex if she
wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to
get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my
long slender legs,
he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me
right then and
there."
"They don't like that in heaven, said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
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I had NO IDEA !!!!
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Posted:Jan 28, 2016 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 5:31 pm
7403 Views
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This is good to know. I had NO IDEA!!!
When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
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