What Would I change?  

hotdreamer1000 62M
8876 posts
12/13/2021 11:12 am

Last Read:
1/6/2022 9:52 am

What Would I change?


I was watching a Christmas movie - I love them, you know the soppy ones with long lost lovers saving a small town business, a snowball fight in a Christmas tree lot or a seemingly mis-matched couple falling in love when they get cut off by snow at an old inn up in the mountains.

This one was about a woman who got the chance to go back in time and change something which went wrong at Christmas years ago. I was fighting back the tears from the start, because as you know I have this strange emotional response to second chances.

Not for the first time it set me wondering where this comes from. Deep down inside I have this gnawing feeling that somewhere way back "I took a wrong turn and I just kept going." (Lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's Hungry Heart in case you're wondering.) This feeling is so strong sometimes that it literally can wring a flood of tears out of my heart instantly from just seeing some fictional character do the whole It's a Wonderful Life thing. Ten seconds later I am wiping my eyes and laughing at myself, wondering what it is I am crying for.

Candidates for the big turning point are many. The<b> death </font></b>of my father when I was a . Overcoming bad guys at one time or another. Going into a profession I have never really warmed to. Hurting someone I loved. Failing to take the huge leap I needed to do to hold on to my love affair with the Lioness. Hooking up with her in the first place, lol.

I know I will probably never have a flash of insight and think Aha! that's why I feel this way. Probably it is just a facet of who I am. I remember feeling nostalgic listening to Gladys Knight when I was eleven! And actually I can't think of many things I would do fundamentally differently even if it was possible to have the chance. Anything I changed might result in me not getting to where I am now. I am broadly content with my life. I am happy most days. I have lots to look forward to, people who love me, and I fill most of my days with things I love to do. I just have to live with the feeling, it's always there in the background.

And I can't explain why, but this is one of the reasons I keep blogging here. Nobody has to read my posts. Rose, Zandi, Violette, The Girl Who Read Everything, many others to a lesser or greater extent just somehow just seem to see through my thoughts and understand this part of me in a way I rarely experience in the real world. I don't know much about beta sites or whether the blogs ain't what they used to be, but being able to read your posts in this place and have you here reading mine is one thing I don't want to change.

hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/13/2021 11:12 am

In case of glitches:

I was watching a Christmas movie - I love them, you know the soppy ones with long lost lovers saving a small town business, a snowball fight in a Christmas tree lot or a seemingly mis-matched couple falling in love when they get cut off by snow at an old inn up in the mountains.

This one was about a woman who got the chance to go back in time and change something which went wrong at Christmas years ago. I was fighting back the tears from the start, because as you know I have this strange emotional response to second chances.

Not for the first time it set me wondering where this comes from. Deep down inside I have this gnawing feeling that somewhere way back "I took a wrong turn and I just kept going." (Lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's Hungry Heart in case you're wondering.) This feeling is so strong sometimes that it literally can wring a flood of tears out of my heart instantly from just seeing some fictional character do the whole It's a Wonderful Life thing. Ten seconds later I am wiping my eyes and laughing at myself, wondering what it is I am crying for.

Candidates for the big turning point are many. The death of my father when I was a teenager. Overcoming bad guys at one time or another. Going into a profession I have never really warmed to. Hurting someone I loved. Failing to take the huge leap I needed to do to hold on to my love affair with the Lioness. Hooking up with her in the first place, lol.

I know I will probably never have a flash of insight and think Aha! that's why I feel this way. Probably it is just a facet of who I am. I remember feeling nostalgic listening to Gladys Knight when I was eleven! And actually I can't think of many things I would do fundamentally differently even if it was possible to have the chance. Anything I changed might result in me not getting to where I am now. I am broadly content with my life. I am happy most days. I have lots to look forward to, people who love me, and I fill most of my days with things I love to do. I just have to live with the feeling, it's always there in the background.

And I can't explain why, but this is one of the reasons I keep blogging here. Nobody has to read my posts. Rose, Zandi, Violette, The Girl Who Read Everything, many others to a lesser or greater extent just somehow just seem to see through my thoughts and understand this part of me in a way I rarely experience in the real world. I don't know much about beta sites or whether the blogs ain't what they used to be, but being able to read your posts in this place and have you here reading mine is one thing I don't want to change.


LadiesR2B1rst 59M  
2735 posts
12/13/2021 12:23 pm

I thought it was well written. I've often wondered if women know that we men have emotions too. Even though we keep them mostly to ourselves. Thanks for sharing.


smartasswoman 64F  
35813 posts
12/13/2021 12:49 pm

I'm sure there were some steps along the way that resulted in me being partnerless at age 64. Most of the time I'm reconciled to it. It has been more difficult during covid and I've been a little jealous of friends who at least had a husband or boyfriend to interact with.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/13/2021 2:33 pm

    Quoting smartasswoman:
    I'm sure there were some steps along the way that resulted in me being partnerless at age 64. Most of the time I'm reconciled to it. It has been more difficult during covid and I've been a little jealous of friends who at least had a husband or boyfriend to interact with.
I'm sad for you Smarty. And I can totally understand how lonely it must feel to be without that special someone to share your hopes and fears with, especially in the current circumstances. I hope you don't give up hope. If there is one thing I have learned from watching all these Christmas movies, it is never really too late.

Someone famous (and I can't be bothered to look up who, lol, ) said "it is never too late to be the person you always wanted to be." And I think when you are that, partners somehow find you.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/13/2021 2:35 pm

    Quoting LadiesR2B1rst:
    I thought it was well written. I've often wondered if women know that we men have emotions too. Even though we keep them mostly to ourselves. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks. I wasn't going for literary excellence, but I'll take the compliment!

There are women who know.........


jajo696 67F
4287 posts
12/13/2021 4:12 pm

I love that you love those movies. Just this year i have been drawn to them. For those 2 hours i am taken away to wherever they are in heart n soul. For those 2 hours my own alone ness seems less so.

There is always a fork in the road, i ve always just kinda went with the flow, as i enjoy the journey and stopping to smell the roses along the way. Ive not much thought of the what ifs of my life as i know the what ifs are not my present reality. I plug along...a breath at a time and those moments add up...

.....and add up quicker and quicker as i age ~


BiSussi 61F
1405 posts
12/13/2021 5:27 pm

Did you take the wrong turn or did you not go far enough yet?
I keep going, even if one one boyfriend gets lost, I have others, I can survive with one less
At Xmas I just always have some fear that all my boyfriends are at home with their parents and I am alone So far it hasn't happened, hope it will not happen this year either

Don't go in circles, don't revisit the past, get yourself a girlfriend or two in walk into the future
Wish you would invite me for Xmas Making Babiesand Girl/Girl is all I desire no need for any other gifts beside ...\8

I love pussies and adore nice dicks


marysia4u 66F
15417 posts
12/13/2021 5:31 pm

I have never understood why most men feel they have to hold their feelings in.

Yes, COVID has put a huge stop to meeting anyone, and I found it very hard not being able to see my son, and being so isolated.

Maybe I should watch some Christmas films this year.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/14/2021 3:36 am

    Quoting jajo696:
    I love that you love those movies. Just this year i have been drawn to them. For those 2 hours i am taken away to wherever they are in heart n soul. For those 2 hours my own alone ness seems less so.

    There is always a fork in the road, i ve always just kinda went with the flow, as i enjoy the journey and stopping to smell the roses along the way. Ive not much thought of the what ifs of my life as i know the what ifs are not my present reality. I plug along...a breath at a time and those moments add up...

    .....and add up quicker and quicker as i age ~
Yes - silly Christmas movies are about the most escapist entertainment you can get aren't they! And if it is a good one, (and I mean good in the sense of that genre, not good in a movie critic sort of way, lol, ) then you can become part of their world for a while, and it really lifts the Christmas spirit!

And more seriously, it's true, the divergent moments do add up the longer you stick at life. I have never really looked at it like that Jajo, so thanks for that interesting and perhaps comforting thought.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/14/2021 3:43 am

    Quoting BiSussi:
    Did you take the wrong turn or did you not go far enough yet?
    I keep going, even if one one boyfriend gets lost, I have others, I can survive with one less
    At Xmas I just always have some fear that all my boyfriends are at home with their parents and I am alone So far it hasn't happened, hope it will not happen this year either

    Don't go in circles, don't revisit the past, get yourself a girlfriend or two in walk into the future
    Wish you would invite me for Xmas Making Babiesand Girl/Girl is all I desire no need for any other gifts beside ...\8
Ha ha, good question Sussi - I'm pretty sure I went far enough at the time, but maybe I need to go further now. Having said that, and although I am always grateful for the insight of others, I am not absolutely certain that if you are heading off the rails the best course of action is to go even further! I will think about it.....

It is definitely good advice not to dwell in the past, and in fact I don't really do that - but I do find it hard not to wonder what other kinds of life I could have had.

At what point did I suggest that I don't already have "a girlfriend or two" ??? Lol, I think you imagined that part.


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/14/2021 3:49 am

    Quoting marysia4u:
    I have never understood why most men feel they have to hold their feelings in.

    Yes, COVID has put a huge stop to meeting anyone, and I found it very hard not being able to see my son, and being so isolated.

    Maybe I should watch some Christmas films this year.


Hi Marisia,

You should know me well enough by now to know that I personally do not suffer from thinking I have to hold my feelings in!

But in all seriousness, there clearly are various pressures on men with regard to their feelings, and many men do either think they ought not to show them, don't like to show them, or find it difficult to express them. The reasons are many and varied I think. Perhaps I will do a blog about it.


zandigal 57F
13016 posts
12/16/2021 2:15 pm

I See it, feel it, and live it. That's why we have been whatever it is that we are. I like to call it friends. Even though we have to pick it up from a distance of time, we are as someone once called it, together apart. I get you, Dreamy. And every word of the post, is pure love. The only thing I wish I could do is, Undo any hurt I caused.

I think of you often, sending you a Christmas Kiss and a Hug, sweetie.


Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit
~Rumi


..


hotdreamer1000 62M
12409 posts
12/17/2021 2:45 am

    Quoting zandigal:
    I See it, feel it, and live it. That's why we have been whatever it is that we are. I like to call it friends. Even though we have to pick it up from a distance of time, we are as someone once called it, together apart. I get you, Dreamy. And every word of the post, is pure love. The only thing I wish I could do is, Undo any hurt I caused.

    I think of you often, sending you a Christmas Kiss and a Hug, sweetie.

Even though you aren't around so much any more Z, I am always glad to see your name on the views when you have visited the blogs. There is no problem with the distance of time - it's no more than the space between the stars.

And ????? What hurt did you ever cause me? I think I must have missed something lol. Or are you saying that the times you hurt other people are the only real regrets you have in life generally? In which case, yes, I understand....me too.


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