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So you may better know me. An exploration of feelings, thoughts.
I am so much more than what can be stated simply. So so much more. I am real. Hopes, dreams, feelings, fantasies, desires, thoughts.
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I've been having problems with false positives that deny posts!
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Posted:Dec 1, 2015 2:07 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2015 4:13 pm
3819 Views
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I have been having trouble with their post review system.
Somehow, things I write about that absolutely positively have nothing to do and are NOT any of this:
hate/weapons/under age
are getting denied.
This makes absolutely no logical sense!
So they may be using automated BOTS to do the review.
Which of course are prone to massive failures.
And since BOTS are merely pattern matching, and do not understand the text they are reading at all, this can be troublesome.
The only mention here is above, to state what they are looking for to ban, AND I AM NOT discussing these topics.
So this may get denied.
Which would make no logical sense, since I am not discussing any of this or the use of any of this.
To the post monitors: YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR BROKEN SYSTEM!
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Smart Phones - Tablets - Pads
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Posted:Nov 30, 2015 11:39 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2015 1:59 pm
3915 Views
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I do not have a smart phone / tablet. It seems to me that I'm perfectly happy with a non portable internet experience..
Besides, the tiny screen area sucks. I love the huge 4 monitor screen area I have with my desktop.
I do have a laptop, which is not used much - too small a screen area. I have a tablet like computer that is very old and very obsolete - a windows 2000 computer before the smart phones and tablets became popular stuff.
Would I get a tablet? Unknown. I already have a Trak phone, very cheap, simple phone. Even there, I rarely turn it on.
I've noticed that some people are so absorbed, captured into their smart phones, its like they are oblivious to anything else. Attention totally captured.
I prefer when I'm out and about, not doing that, so best not be dependent on the technology, and its attention capturing effect. So when I'm out and may meet people, I am totally there, in that moment, present to meet people.
Real live interactions have no substitute. Online dating is a non starter. So far, its totally been just lame, and unreal, and many fakes I've seen (on Match.com, OK cupid). I have come to the conclusion that online is impossible.
Just as likely to win the lottery. In fact, winning the lottery would help, but attract ??? kind of people. Seems a no win situation no matter what.
Portable internet, etc is useful. Yet, I see it take over peoples lives. No substitute for real interactions.
Another thing of concern is the use of the phones (texting, etc) while driving. A recipe for disaster! Not only personal disaster, but anyone on the road you crash into disaster.
I close this rant with just - I guess I am here to vent myself. Seems like that is the only use for this place. Is it worth spending money? Unknown. money is very tight for me, I have no income. And I live far out in the boonies, in deep country, far from cities. Not exactly a lot of opportunity to meet others in person.
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Geekness
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Posted:Nov 29, 2015 4:50 pm
Last Updated:Jul 26, 2016 2:52 pm
3816 Views
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I am into computers, technology, and computers in a big way!
I have 7 computers that work and more that don't.
My main computer is an 8 core 4 Ghz that does not use a page file under Windows 7 with 4 monitors connected. I love the large screen area and lots of open windows!
I tinker a lot with electronic and tech gadgets. Design and build my own gadgets. I have all sorts of electronic and other tools, for making stuff. Like an electronic / computer shop / lab.
I have a high speed scanner, that I scan books and papers with.
The other computers are for various special purposes. One of them is totally RAM drive (no hard disk) with Windows XP.
My laptop has a camera, but its very low quality, needs a lot of light, so not really set up to use it.
A computer by my bed with monitor, to watch videos, listen to music, and some surfing.
Another computer has Windows 98 on it, because I have stuff that won't work in anything newer.
A small computer is used as a music player in my Mini-Van - it holds all of the large collection I have.
This is the other major side to me - a tech, geek, science, inventor side!
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What are relationships?
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Posted:Nov 28, 2015 5:53 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2015 6:07 pm
4002 Views
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Relationships. Why do people seem to think that the only relationship that is a "relationship" one that includes sex? I consider any friend to be a relationship. Non-sexual and spiritual relationships are still relationships. Sexuality is very, very, very low on my priorities in life; it is never, ever a requirement. It is always a result of mutual feelings of love, respect, and trust and never the true reason or cause for a relationship. Please do not confuse sex with love. They are very different. Love is a cause, sex is an effect (of great love). Again, while sex may become desired - this is always because of great love and connection shared.
Again people seem to confuse their actions, what they do about love, for the love itself. This is a big mistake, people. NO, NO, NO. JUST LOVE. JUST UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I am shouting this.
I am not a swinger, never was, shall never ever be. I must have mutual unconditional love, respect, kindness, tenderness, caring, mercy, endearment, comfort, peace, harmony, joy, FIRST. Then I just can be interested in sex. I must have all the great emotional and spiritual qualities present first to even be interested and aroused. Sharing life with loved ones is a mutual effort. A shared effort, a shared project. Love is meant to be shared. The best relationships is where we are for each other, stand by each other, mutually, no matter what happens. And where we are allowed to be ourselves and true to our self..
My friends say I am a highly spiritual being. To me spirit and love is primary, it’s the cause of everything in existence, the ultimate cause. So as a spiritual being, shared loving spiritual relationships are highly desirable.
Still it seems, people cannot believe this, they are fearful. FOR WHAT???. Their imaginations get the better of them.
I have worked very long and very hard over many lifetimes to get to my current level of evolvement. And I cannot risk losing it all over something like what they are afraid of. I wish they would stop projecting their inner fears on me. I am heading for ascension and a light body, and matters of the physical world like sex seem less important to me than that.
Rather, I am more interested in service to others, as this erases karma, and gets me closer to ascension.
Has anyone ever considered that just giving unconditional love for free to others is service to others?? This is what I incarnated here for, my purpose for this life. I give unconditional love as a service to others.
JUST UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And let the pieces fall where they will. And let them think what they will of it, and do what they will with it. The unconditional love you give is the love that helps the world be a better place.
For SOURCE, the creator of all creation, loves everything, every time, every space, every realm, the entire universe, the multi-verse, more than they could ever possibly know, imagine, comprehend or GROK. My mission in life is to do the same, giving this kind of love.
I poured my heart out to the world. SO BE IT. SO MOTE IT BE. Let those who judge me judge what they will. I am not here to judge them in return, just be love.
I love everything, the entire universe, cosmos, and multi-verse unconditionally.
In love, Dena
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Future Love
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Posted:Nov 28, 2015 11:10 am
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2015 1:31 pm
3764 Views
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This is To You of the Future:
To you of the future, already there,
some place, some time, some where,
be loved dearly,
Welcome in my heart, in my life, in my love,
To you of the future, dear love shared,
we open our hearts together,
an exploration of joy, exploration of each other.
Something unique, special, a cause to celebrate,
Unlike what was before, that is a joy to be
ourselves truly.
To you of the future, dearly loved,
You are not the same as what was,
and there is joy and celebration in that.
Let us just be
and see
love expressed in a new, special, unique, way
we do, we are, we say,
love, kindness, respect matters
we take joy in the uniqueness, the newness,
the exploration of our entire beings,
Illuminate all things needing light in each other,
being patient, kind, loving,
Knowing that this is not a carbon copy of what was before,
it's an expression, a life of its own,
to be shared, in peace, love, and joy.
Like what was once upon a time, great love shared,
and yet, in its own way, different, making it special.
So we explore each other, the totality,
everything of each other, open to chance, risk,
but worth every bit,
so to be real, to really know, who we are,
and find our uniqueness.
To you of the future, I ask not a carbon copy of what was,
rather, be yourself, so we explore, so we craft
a special uniqueness.
Pouring out love to each other from within, becomes
greater than each would be alone,
Pouring out love, as we love ourselves truly and totally,
So that we share love from within our hearts,
only depending on the love from within, the Source of creation,
not requiring love from outside each one of us.
Not solely dependent on any thing we do, it is from our hearts,
the atmosphere created by 'glowing' hot love glowing out
is everywhere we are.
As we know and accept each other as we truly are,
accept ourselves as we truly are,
Know and understand what true love really is,
Kindness, caring, love, respect, honor, matters.
Love comes form spirit, Source of creation,
To you already existing some where, some time, some place,
some one. I love you.
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Fantasy - part 2
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Posted:Nov 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2015 12:05 am
3908 Views
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The qualities in other beings can be fragile and may need love, care, and effort to sustain.
That is very real. It is not enough to desire a fantasy.
One needs to take the responsibility for the fantasy.
With great beauty, and other greatness comes responsibility.
It is not enough to just get.
It is essential that the best in others be cared for, loved, kindness given, nurtured, and grown. Very essential. And essential that this effort be mutual.
Anyone can fall into "trouble" by neglect.
So with another comes responsibility - to love, care about, be kind, empathic, supportive, nurturing.
I've been in the depths of despair, depression, angst, hurt, grief, darkness, hell.
Its not a place I would wish on anyone.
Being love seriously matters.
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Fantasy
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Posted:Nov 27, 2015 12:18 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2015 12:19 pm
4147 Views
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I most certainly know what I want.
Yet it is very rare to for the fantasy to come true.
I cannot help but upset some by this. Oh well...
There are many different kinds of love - All of them are valid.
So many focus on sex alone - not a judgement - just observing what is.
There is much, much more to life than this.
This place, Senior Sizzle, is more sex oriented. However, it is one of the few places I can express me - as I really am.
Few sites are anything but gender binary. I am not gender binary. I am a mixture.
Complex mix of both. Their sweeping generalizations and over simplification of a vary complex reality make them difficult to use.
One does not always have happen what one desires. Life is a mess.
So anyone can be my friend, even close true loved friend - and that is so valuable.
In the final analysis, I really cannot defend my likes and desires - they just are.
Fantasy.
Young female sexual lover. Beautiful. Slender / Petite. Loving, Kind, Caring. Enjoys being here. Fun loving, free-spirit, playful, faerie-like. Very healthy, takes care of them self. Loves them self. Is compatible with spiritual things and metaphysical things. Is compatible with POLYAMORY.
Fantasy. You see, I know what I want. Yet, its fantasy.
These are very general qualities of someone I loved so very deeply and lost to cancer.
I am not looking for a clone of her. Just a metaphor, analogy.
Every person is infinitely unique, none are the same. I accept this.
I enjoy those qualities - I like to explore life, and I don't need someone with the same identical thoughts and outlook necessarily. I would rather explore, feel, and think with others.
My lost love and I actually grew together - during a very long time.
Growth is good thing. For everyone.
Good friends are golden - because you can help and encourage them to grow into being much greater and beautiful than before.
So I dream of Fantasy - my fantasy and I finding each other. In the mean time, there will be good friends to enjoy.
POLYAMORY is where one is part of a group of loves. And you love each one in a very unique way, and share life and love. Without fear, without jealousy, infinite love, infinite trust. My lost love was part of the same group I was part of.
Only time will tell... If fantasy becomes real.
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A love story. 6. Back to work, the love poster, working out details
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Posted:Dec 29, 2014 5:48 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 8:4 pm
9034 Views
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Monday. We woke up, showered together - fun! Had breakfast. Felt happy. She was just glowing! I got ready for work. We hugged, kissed, She said "Take care, my love." I said, "I will, Love you!" We smiled, and I left for work.
The day went well. I was very happy.
I came home from work, and she was meditating on the couch, naked, and really glowing! There was a poster she made on the wall. She drew a simple likeness of her self naked and smiling, by a big heart with our names on it. She wrote on there like a letter to me: This is me and my heart, loving you so very much! Words cannot express my love and appreciation. Words cannot express my feelings. I am so thrilled you are in my life. This is special, sacred, holy. We can grow something few ever have. Unconditional love. I love you, with all of my being, all of me. Remember the love, be loving, especially when I'm needing that, when I get illogical and upset. I would never want to ever hurt you! So love is the best response to any upset! I love you dearly, so remember love, my dear!
I read this, and I just melted. The universe gave me this precious gift. I said to myself, "I must be really, really be love. And I need to learn spiritual wisdom from her. And to grow."
She was still meditating. I fixed dinner.
She came out of meditation, happy. She said "Welcome home, my love." We enjoyed dinner, almost felt like a date. Something to see! Two in love at dinner, her naked! She said we needed to talk. We needed to work out how our lives would work together now. So after dinner we sat on the couch and talked.
The one thing about her was, she always knew exactly what she desired! And she was not shy about anything or expressing her desires! It's a real wonder how she became who she was! She was young, but it seemed like she lived a lot of life in a short time.
We sat and discussed everything. She asked me if I read her love poster. I did. And she said it was to remind us about being love always. We had much discussion. Give and take, shared feelings.
My bedroom would now be the bedroom. And her room would be for her hobbies, her own space, and spiritual stuff, and for play! My computers were in a part of the living room, and were the sound system for music and TV, and this part of the living room would be my space. We decided dates would be open ended, whatever. And normally we would split the cost. The dates were really a time set aside for us. Fun and play! To use creative imagination if desired. Time was short on week days, so it was fine if not much happened on a week day. We needed a balance of all of life. A balance of work, play, hobbies, shared time and caring for us, self time and care, and interests. Our life was to be collaborative, pulling together. We were to become symbiotic.
We decided that we would share in spiritual work on ourselves. Teach each other our knowledge, wisdom, and ways. And do things to grow spiritually. Also, it would be nice to share a bit of our hobbies, too.
We talked about arguments and disagreements. We both shared a fear of things going out of control. We felt that either something very wrong happened, or if for no reason, it's a cry for love. That taking it out on another is not about the one taken out on. And we felt a need to be committed to being love. And felt the need to be calm and loving - when it's most needed! And be there for the other, hug and love them. Presence! We were so concerned about this, we wanted reassurance and we shared an emotional moment, hugging.
And a lot of other details, like sharing responsibilities, running our home - yes it felt like home now! Also, what happens if one is short on money, etc. Well, my work was full time. But hers was like she owned her own business. Not guaranteed.
Then we talked about fun and dates and making love. To create a sexy life! I had the idea of getting a white board for drawings, notes, love notes, schedules, important dates, and scheduled dates. She liked that. We felt we should make time for us - and making love. And if life got crazy, we should schedule time for love. And short, spontaneous, in the moment, fun would be great too! And we imagined ideas about fun things, I wrote them down. She knew a lot about sex and some about tantra. All ideas to try! We would play and experiment, and play games, like pretend.
She asked me if I could make a computer for her to use. Yes, I certainly could.
We helped each other work on our rooms, my bedroom became the bedroom.
Bedtime came, and we both cuddled together naked, and fell asleep happy. And had sweet dreams.
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I've only begun to scratch the surface here.
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Posted:Dec 29, 2014 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2015 12:43 am
8732 Views
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Complexities abound! Many more things are interesting!
I live a crazy roller coaster life! Up and downs, back and forth, sideways. Contract work. So never a balance. Very, very nice comfortable life, or nothing. Little in between.
To do, and experience all the stuff I wish to do would take hundreds of years!
My imagination seems to be exploding with time. So I have a lot to do yet!
Writing takes time. And so many subjects! There will be more and different subjects.
One subject is how do people meet and be with each other. It seems that expectations can greatly vary over time. Situations: Just Met (and casual), Know a bit, Know each other, Friends, Best Friends, Friends and more (Loving friends), Long term relationship are a few. And what about the expectations? And what feelings? And inner stuff.
I play with "a love story" for now.
I lived a crazy amazing life! The story reflects this.
Keep in mind that it's a story. And keep in mind that I realize that all connections with another are very unique, special, never the same. Which can be a beautiful intricate work of art.
I don't seek a copy of what was. I seek an adventure! In living the way of love! I dream of the amazing love shared! I do have wonderful loving dreams of her, my lost love. And sweet dreams of a new love.
She will be unique, special. And our connection needs nurturing, and care. And all of it shall be unique!
It is necessary to have an image in my mind's eye, a fantasy, from imagination. To guide and know what I want. I did share what's in my fantasy in "My Ideal Person" and my blogs. "Ideal" is just that. It is entirely unknown if this is possible. And unpredictable what shall happen.
The things we learn from each other are valuable. I live in many worlds, many paradigms. Learning keeps one alive, and stops time. Is healthy for the spirit, heart, mind, body.
My spirit shall be forever young. Has not changed since childhood.
Never dream too small! You are only limited by your dreams and imagination!
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A Love Story. 5. Sharing feelings, A day for passions gone wild
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Posted:Dec 28, 2014 1:18 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 8:4 pm
9425 Views
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(it gets crazier! Wilder! Erotic. Like the unforgettable experiences I lived with my lost love. She was deeply, deeply spiritual and evolved. And in the moment, spontaneous! The story reflects this.)
Sunday morning. A good morning. Woke up, showered together. Very sensual, exciting. Had breakfast. I somehow got the feeling that she might just fuck my brains out! She was wild and crazy at times. And such energy!
After breakfast we sat on the couch close together. She said "You are such a darling! I love you more! Look, I won't bite! I promise." I said "I love you, I care about you. I want to know what pleases you, everything about you!" She said "Yes, my dear, I love you so much! Just feel that, really feel that! Let's be careful to really love. This gets real, now! I'm handing my very precious heart to you, and please treasure it, love it, protect it." I said "Yes it is. You are precious." She said "Your heart is of such precious value, and I hope and desire to treat it with care." I said "I love you. Just remember to love always" She said "Our wildest dreams and beyond are possible. Remember love when things get difficult, and yes, life is messy, ups and downs, differences, misunderstandings, discord, troubles, sickness, let downs, and what not. Remember love, live love, in every moment, everywhere, every situation."
I said "That's deep! You are someone special! Precious!" She said "I so much want us to work out. Really for real work out. You cannot know how much I've dreamed of this!" Tears were in her eyes, "Remember, feelings are everything for US, our connection, our life together. Most of what seems illogical, and not sensible is about feelings. Let your heart guide you. Feel with me, it is so much better when you do!" I smiled and said "I love you. Your feelings matter. You matter." I hugged her "I am here, I am not going anywhere. I feel your love, concern, desires. You are not alone." Still with tears, deep emotions she said "I really love you! Let's be good with our hearts. I enjoy expressing the playfulness, joy and fun in me! And there is a lot more and I will definitely let you know!" She had a look of intense desire.
I said "My love, what would please you now?" She answered with a grin, "It's been so long! Just wait." And she went to her room. And a bit later she was back saying. "Come to my bed, let's play, let me show you how to get me hot!" I smiled. She smiled a lot. She took my hand. We went to her bed. A very large pretty towel covered the bed. The room light was dimmed, and her candles were lit And incense sticks were burning, a very nice beautiful scent. Some kind of Tibetan-Indian music (I think) was playing softly. "This is our special time, a sacred time, our ceremony, relax, enjoy"
She threw off her robe, she was wearing very pretty, very intricate lingerie. Very beautiful, just there, and revealing a lot, yet not all. Very sexy. She started a dance, a strip tease! Slowly seductively dancing, moving, very fluid, much more graceful, seductive, teasing than ever before. Her focus was intense. And I felt waves, floods of intense passionate love coming my way! A dam burst of a huge amount of accumulated desire. I was getting very aroused, excited. I felt an energy flow through me. At the edge of ecstasy, but no further.
She finished her dance as a song ended. She was naked, jumped onto the bed, and started playing with herself as I watched.
It was hot watching her play, and using her toy. She played with her pussy and her breasts. Hot! Getting hotter, hotter, and eventually she came!
She said, "Now your turn!" She opened her legs wide with her self at the edge of the bed, grabbed my hand, and teased her pussy with it. She grabbed the dildo, placed it in my other hand and guided that hand to use the dildo on her. She was soaking wet! Getting real excited, hips grinding. She then up and grabbed my head, saying, "lick me!" She guided me to exactly where. I was licking her sweet juices and clit, and teasing with my tounge and fingers, she came again!
She said "Get it? Sex is sacred. Atmosphere, energy, and mood matter. Arouse my heart and mind and you have me! Foreplay is the golden rule!, tease me till I cannot stand it, make me cum many times, until, and you shall see what happens next!" She had that michevious grin.
So we played some more, playing with her whole body, she also said she loved sensual touch everywhere, and I loved doing it, I loved seeing her in so much pleasure!
She came a few more times, and then... She grabbed me into the bed, got me on my back. I am thin and very light, it was easy for her to move me.
Saying "My turn!", She then pounced on me, grabbing me to make sure I was hard, and then taking me into her very wet pussy, with wild passion. She was strong, much more athletic than me. It was really something. So wet, hot feeling. Her pussy pulsing, throbbing on me. It was so hot! And horny! Pleasure! Ecstasy! Feeling waves of energy flowing! Playing with her beautiful breasts and making passionate love, we came together! It was amazing. A spark, surge felt! She came so hard, shaking and shuddering, deep moans of pleasure!
And then she jumped out of bed, threw me a towel, said "use this on yourself", and washed herself. Then she quickly came back. We hugged, kissed, cuddled, loved on each other. Amazed at this, we shared many loving tender expressions.
We cuddled until I was hard again. And we repeated all of the love making a few times, took a break for lunch, whatever we could grab and eat, then made love all afternoon too.
A really fun, amazing great time, for we were kind and patient with each other, and would go at sex when both were really ready. So much fun, that we wore ourselves out with the fun.
At dinner time we also just grabbed whatever we could eat without fixing. How we felt was beyond any description! We were just really glowing a lot! She was so happy saying, "I never had anyone let me make love like that! You cared enough to ask, and let me show you how to love me! I love you!" I replied "I love you. You are so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazing! You deserve all the kindness, respect, care and love!" She then said "There's much more! Let's work on having a sexy life, where our hearts and minds love, all the time we can, and save making love for when we both are ready for that. Today was special, a sex magic, a celebration of us falling in love." I asked "Do you mean a sexy life is the love shared, fun, teasing, kindness, romance, and always nurturing US?" She answered, "Yes! We need to keep life sexy! It's a dance, coming and going, a vibration, rhythm, Apart - together, Our hearts and minds to remember each other, and to love".
The rest of the evening we relaxed snuggled on the couch, like an embrace, listening to some music, some of hers, some of mine. Just warm loving togetherness. And peace. And felt like melting together. Felt a one-ness. Bedtime came, we went to bed, snuggled warm, together, cuddling, falling asleep happy, peaceful, sweet dreams.
To be continued ...
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A love story. 4. What a weekend! - Sharing and LOVE!
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Posted:Dec 27, 2014 4:13 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2014 4:22 pm
9662 Views
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Definitely true friends, speaking the love language of kindness, patience and forgiveness.
Yet indeed true friends, yet something more was there.
Maybe she was losing some of her patience, being tempted by forbidden fruit? Her desire getting to her? Never seen that happen before. I certainly had much desire for her. At the edge here. Of something beyond what I believed was possible.
I slept until noon. She was up a little earlier, had made a brunch for us. Cheese toast, scrambled eggs, juice, and blueberries. I asked her how she felt about falling in love. She said "It depends on who it is. Somehow I would like both of us to be in love at the same time." I smiled. She smiled, and winked. Both of us smiling really big! My heart was really going fast. I felt a powerful blast of love coming from her! She then said "Let's see. Let's find out. Kiss me!"
We then kissed. Really wet hot passionate kisses! Then stopping, she asked. "Do you love me?" OMG!!! I thought that would never happen! She was way, way out of my league in every way! I had given up on that kind of love! I said "YES! I love you!" She then smiled, and with tears, said "I love you, too! I really wanted to be sure about this. I've had so many awful, terrible men before you!" We both were crying, tears of joy! She said "I took so much time to be really sure!, Thank you for you!" I said "Thank you for you! I was taking my time to be sure also.". We just sat there crying, holding each other. For a long while.
Taking the time to really know each other, and grow together, was really magical, about eight months or so, but really, really worth every bit of the time.
Late afternoon, we took a long walk, holding hands. We talked about us, we were best friends who loved each other. Loving words, sharing feelings. Stopping to hug and kiss at times. And the love shared!!! She talked about her life, the father who left during her teenage, her father disowning her, she felt abandoned, too much of unwanted attention of the wrong kind, some of the many terrible persons, bad experiences with men. That men were just so impatient, and wanted in her pants NOW! She said at first she was not sure of me, but she felt I was very different, nicer, kinder than she ever knew before. She had deliberately tested me hard, tried hard to prove to herself I was for real. And then she said she felt I was for real. And she cried this morning for that reason. She told me, I passed all of her tests, and that she really loved me. She never felt anything was wrong with herself, but that she deserved the very best, and just had a lot of misfortune in life.
I told her that I was an outcast as a and , that I never was much of a masculine type, but rather I always was loving, soft, emotional, sensitive, considerate, caring, kind, the really nice guy. And never competitive or just out for the goals only. And that my body is and was very feminine, I look like a girl. And I was very shy. I was not liked in school, a social outcast, because of all this, and that I am intelligent - genius level. Very awkward socially, too. And so inexperienced with women. So I had nothing but failures and rejection before I met her. It had taken a lot to get over the shyness, I used to be very nervous even talking to girls. Before we met I had given up on love. And thus, I met her with a peace and calm, and not needing any particular outcome. I just wanted to compliment her, and leave it at that, and I was bolder for that reason.
So much love! Walking with hands around each others waist! Feeling great love shared. Quiet together for a long time. We found a place to sit by the water. It was calm, peaceful, serene. the sun was lower in the sky. It felt warm and nice. Sitting very close I felt her nice warmth, and feelings of love. She said to me. "You are my love. We are loving friends. There is a sacred trust here. I don't seek marriage. It's not a workable thing, my parents sure showed that. I want us to be loving friends forever. Let's learn the things that each other sees as being loving. We already are kind, patient, forgiving, that's the greatest! Let's be honest, share love, build trust like we've been doing. Honest especially, for if we have to part because of life changing, let's be best friends anyway. Loving best friends, OK?"
I said "Yes. Loving best friends. And let's be careful to be honest with our feelings, to share and care." She then said "So much to tell you! I am a priestess, right? But did you know what kind I am?" I asked "What kind?". She answered "I am a sex priestess. I became part of a pagan spiritual group, and was initiated in the spiritual mysteries. Grew, lived, and learned many esoteric teachings, became skilled at love, learned about tantra, and living the way of love. I have had sex rituals with friends, many of those times were for their healing. Yet, it was always a sacred thing, and those I got to know well first. Eventually I began to see through what most men were, and their impatience, and I started wanting more." I said "OK." smiling, not knowing what to say. She added "And you are very special, different, I love you!" She smiled.
And then she asked "Do you know what polyamory is?" I said "I haven't heard of that". She said "It's where one is in love with multiple persons all at once, and with everyone who is involved's knowledge, blessings, and permissions. It is total open and honest non monagamy. I am polyamorous. But it's core is that both of us must know the person, and agree to having that person in our lives. It is never hiding this from anyone. In a group living together, the love comes from everywhere! Also I am bisexual, so I love women too." I said "That would be something!" I then said to her "I love you!" She then said softly "I love you, too!"
She then grabbed me tumbling into the soft grass, on top of me, pinning me down. Smiling "Oh, I could love you right now!" We just lied there, smiling and giggling. It was a public place, after all.
After a while, she said, "Yes, I could do you right now! But we need to talk first. I am clean, no diseases, I got tested. And I am on the pill. Are you clean, no diseases? " I said "Yes, I'm clean, I've not had a lover before. Remember what I said, I was rejected every time before you." With a pleased look, she said "OK, that's fine." She looked like she would say "That is going to be interesting!". Then she smiled and said "This is going to be fun! We'll be patient, loving for now, we'll know when the time is right." I got the impression she was serious about this.
We then walked back home happy, saying no words, walking, holding hands, sometimes arms touching holding elbows.
When we got home she showed proof of what she said about being clean and on the pill, and then she said she did some digging on my background, to know if I was safe. What I said about myself checked out. And she had been taking those birth control pills when I was home around her, maybe like she was giving me a hint.
At home, we watched movies, all snuggled together. When time for bed, she said "Pick a bed, we are sleeping together!" I picked her bed. And we then went to the bed naked, gave each other a nice massage, being warm and nice. She was getting wet, we were both getting aroused, yet we just held close feeling the warm contact, massage with our whole bodies. It was all great, and there was great pleasure in this. We then were all snuggled up, kissing, and laughing, loving small pillow talk, drifting to sleep in embrace. From then on, we would sleep happily together.
To be continued ...
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It's complicated.
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Posted:Dec 27, 2014 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2014 1:02 pm
9289 Views
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The relationship I have with life is complex! It's complicated.
Not a simple life at all. Very rich and varied. I live in many worlds:
1. The world of this website, here. There is a risk being here for me. The very nature of having to spell out "me" in detail! The whole point of here is meeting someone who may connect intimately. Hard to say if I made the right choice. I do know that unless you show about yourself, and capture their (a woman's) mind, interest, and maybe heart, you get no where. And I have not figured out how to imply about my past and T nature without actually saying it! Women have everything handed to them on a silver platter! I'm guessing 30 - 50 persons seeking women (males and others) for every woman. So it's a buyers market for women. The risk is huge and it's scary at times. Because this is out and public in a way. And no telling what may happen. I am just saying that I prefer being addressed as a woman in public. I prefer being considered as a woman as much as possible in public. And except for intimate settings, I do not see any need to bring it up.
The troublesome thing about my past is there is no good way to erase it. It's there, and some can make it a big deal. It's not really, to me. Others just look at the past, and boy do the assumptions (all wrong) fly! If I could erase the past about my original assigned state, I would. I was assigned a gender at birth. I believe I am intersexed in some way, but never tested for it. Not an extreme case, just enough to complicate life. They just assumed what I was!
2. A public world of strangers and acquaintances and newer friends. Here I am Dena, the nice, kind hearted woman. Who is like a lesbian. For many, many years I was this way. I kept my past, and my T nature secret, to myself. And never once has anyone here ever even guessed about this. And no one in this world ever thought I was anything other than the kind woman.
3. A world of work. Here I am just a hyper intelligent geekette. Hardware, digital, electronic, software engineer. It's very impersonal. And easy to keep my secrets. No one cares. They only care about their profits and benefits they get from you. They pay me for my mind! Sometimes a lot.
Also, my driver's license says F - female. So its easier to convince them of this.
4. A world of old friends, usually close best friends. Here I am anything. Past, present, future me. Depends on who they are, what they know. I do prefer being addressed as a woman. All are very true trustworthy friends, keeping my secrets safe. Like I said, there's no good way to erase the past. I don't make a scene, yes, I dislike the errors made. But making a scene only draws attention to something I don't want attention drawn to. The best way I've found is to ignore it, drop it cold, like the mistake never happened. Just be cool, nothing to see, move along.
5. A world of intimacy. Only one person ever lived here. She is my lost love, who died of cancer a while back. Then she was gone, final, period! (sad) I was heartbroken, lost, lost it for a while. Lost my bearing, motivation, hope, almost my life. It's far worse, because I am so different, and not just who would love me? But who I would be attracted to, and is the qualities I love, and would love me? I am not whining, I am making an observation about human nature. I am just not the kind of being that is considered lover material for most women, and especially the ones I would be attracted to!
I'm sorry, my attraction, what I like, just IS! One time I compromised on this, and the result was a total disaster. I don't want, need, or care for trouble and disaster. The boundaries are there for a good reason! And please realize, what I had was so F---- amazing!
She broke the scale! My memories make imagination pale by comparison.
For the world of intimacy I have to reveal the things about me I keep to myself, what I was, etc. For a while after I lost my dear love, I did not want to reveal my past or what I was to anyone new. So I lived completely without. And don't you see: My grief from the loss of my dear one was multiplied by this - the realization that finding love, the dream I wanted, could be hopeless for me.
Recently I took a chance here.
It still is a dilemma. For real life, how do I approach anyone? I love women. Yet how to do this. Maybe get to know each other as possible friends, just meeting, casual, not a date. And when we are familiar enough, and we trust each other, somehow get to sharing secrets, then bring up who/what I am, and how I feel about them, but not in a creepy way. It is really difficult to figure this out. I want another great lover like I had. And I feel doing it in real life is possibly better. Because I can find real life environments where the percentage of women that have some of the qualities I seek is much greater. I met my lost love in a strip club, and she danced there! No, I don't expect instant quickly finding my new love anywhere. My lost love knew of me, a long time before, and was watching a long time. I was well known at that club as being a for real decent human being, who is very, very fun, kind, considerate, loving. Maybe my profile can convey this too! I've concluded that online anywhere, most are just not what I am looking for.
It's gets even weirder. Many dating sites only have Man/Woman as options. So what do I pick. How my spirit is or how my body was assigned at birth? Or do I pose as a very strange guy, because I am attracted to women. Or do I pose as a lesbian?? I certainly have been in that role with my lost love. I was like a boyfriend for her also. She was bisexual. It's hard to figure out. I noticed there are pansexual persons. That is interesting, because the physical sex of a lover's body is not a consideration for them.
For the world of intimacy with a lover, in private, with her, I am whoever, whatever is needed for our greatest joy, happiness, and pleasure! I am interested in being a truly great lover! But self confidence, inner value, loving myself, never ever depends on success with this! I just really love and care!
I am being selective here. I deserve the best in as many ways as possible! I lived with this once! What I feel about myself, may not be real to anyone. I feel I am the best - the best love possible! It's what I feel, and it's mine to feel.
So I'm doing this for now. At some point I shall be working another contract. And then maybe I'll hire a matchmaker. They exist for anyone, including alternative lifestyle folks.
And maybe find other creative, imaginative ways to attract my fantasy and dream.
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A love story, Comments 2
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Posted:Dec 26, 2014 9:00 pm
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2014 9:52 pm
8914 Views
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A lot of this story is based on my real life experiences. But it is a story. So I am taking some artistic license with it. I want to have fun with this!
The real life was many years of a very wild, sexy, amazing time.
The story shall reflect this - it gets wild!
I hope to give a taste of the amazing wild time, how it felt. How unbelievable it was, and how it now feels like a fantasy.
I am left with the memories. The infinite love and trust. The kindness, The genuine interest in nurturing it, making it really work. The shared love. The great ability to pull together, reach good agreements, work out differences loving and peacefully. And just Love.
And I am left with a desire to live a fantasy again. Something that feels like this again. With someone ever bit as great as her, like the woman of my dreams - who I based on her.
like her, similar, like a fantasy of my ideal woman.
I know and understand that I am dreaming BIG here! Really huge BIG!
I am happy it happened. Very happy!
I own any consequence of my decisions. It is my choices alone that do or do not work. So I shall never whine about not having my dream.
One must be relaxed, at inner peace, and imagine, visualize with all senses in the mind's eye, and feel as if it's for real in the imagination, feel the bliss, joy, and happiness, and love, and not have attachments to any specific outcome. That is when the manifestation magic happens. I own my dreams. The need of the dreams does not own me.
If I'm wrong. And sadly mistaken, so be it.
I know what I am capable of. I lived it.
I shall be writing other stories. To let my imagination go wild. To help me have visions of wonderful possible realities. And to have great fun with it!
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