Eight Words with two Meanings
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Posted:Aug 23, 2007 7:31 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2007 10:42 am
9655 Views
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1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partne r.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.... .. Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. RE MOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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What Religion is Your Bra?
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Posted:Aug 23, 2007 7:29 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2007 7:55 am
9530 Views
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Divorce, Custody and the Pepsi Machine!
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Posted:Aug 14, 2007 10:25 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:25 pm
9272 Views
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but
The custody of their posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
And protested to the judge that since she had brought the into this
World, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his , so the judge asked for his
Side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
Replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi
Comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!
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One Flaw In Women
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Posted:Jul 27, 2007 10:25 am
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2007 4:46 am
9664 Views
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One Flaw In Women
(you will see what it is in the end)
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have the compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
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PASTOR'S DONKEY
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Posted:Jul 26, 2007 5:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:25 pm
9641 Views
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, Posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
MORAL OF THE STORY???
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you Much grief and misery And even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer.
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Lesser Known Proverbs
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Posted:Jul 26, 2007 5:46 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:25 pm
9508 Views
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there is a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by
those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
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Suthen-ism's
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Posted:Jul 19, 2007 5:13 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2007 4:59 pm
9756 Views
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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
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Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
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Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
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In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could
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BATHTUB TEST
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Posted:Jul 19, 2007 5:09 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2007 5:00 pm
9643 Views
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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Aprons
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Posted:Jul 15, 2007 10:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2007 5:01 pm
9543 Views
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Some of you may be old enough to remember aprons...
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing
hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying 's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming
oven.
When company came those old aprons were ideal hiding places for shy ; and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her
arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling-wood were brought into the kitchen in
that apron.
From the garden it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls.
In the fall it was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out on the porch and waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields for
dinner (lunch .. for those who don't understand the difference).
It will be a long time before anyone invents something that will replace that old-time apron that served so many purposes.
Author unknown
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FAST EDDIE
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Posted:Jul 13, 2007 11:14 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2007 5:01 pm
9385 Views
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Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the
proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks what happened....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all Quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it or you might get screwed!
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wWHY DO CIGARETTES HAVE A LAXATIVE EFFECT?
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Posted:Jul 4, 2007 5:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2007 5:10 pm
9628 Views
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Caffeinated drinks and nicotine both have a laxative effect, probably because they stimulate nerves that increase intestinal contraction. That’s why people who give up smoking or, worse, their morning coffee have to make sure they eat plenty of bran.
A muffin after sex is always satisfying, too.
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The computer swallowed grandma.
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Posted:Jul 2, 2007 10:02 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2007 5:11 pm
9655 Views
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The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas
who have been fearless and learned
to use the computer........
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Listen for my bell.....
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Posted:Jul 1, 2007 3:02 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2007 12:06 pm
9361 Views
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Just up the road from my home is a field,
with two horses in it.
From a distance, each looks like every other .
But if you stop your car, or are walking by,
you will notice something quite amazing.
Looking into the eyes of one will
disclose that he is blind.
His owner has chosen not to have him put down,
but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing..
If nearby and listening,
you will hear the sound of a bell.
Looking around for the source of the sound,
you will see that it comes from the
smaller in the field.
Attached to her halter is a small bell.
It lets her blind friend know where she is,
so he can follow her.
As you stand and watch these two friends,
you'll see how she is always checking on him,
and that he will listen for her bell and then
slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she
will not lead him astray. When she returns to the
shelter of the barn each evening, she stops
occasionally and looks back, making s ure her
friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.
Like the owners of these two horses,
God does not throw us away just because
we are not perfect or because we have problems
or challenges. He watches over us and even brings
others into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind being guided by
the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide , helping others see.
Good friends are like this .........
You don't always see them,
but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell and I'll listen for yours.
"Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is
fighting some kind of battle".
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