Jokes Daily
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Posted:Mar 20, 2007 9:49 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2009 7:19 pm
4972 Views
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1. LOOKING AROUND
A department store clerk was alarmed to see a blind man walk into the
store, pick up his seeing-eye dog, and swing it around in circles over
his head by it's tail. The clerk rushes over and asks, "Sir! Is
there something I can help you with?!"
The blind man says "No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
2. DUMB JOE
Two men walk into a bar to have a drink. The first man turned to the
second and said, "That guy there? That's Dumb Joe. He's been around
here for 20 years or so.
"Why do they call him Dumb Joe?" the second man asked.
"Well, watch this," replied the first. He walked over to Joe and
asked him, "Joe, here is a nice shiny quarter and a nice dollar bill.
Which one do you want?"
Dumb Joe took the quarter, and as always, everyone in the bar laughed.
The man walked back to his table an said to his friend, "He does that
a dozen times a day."
Later, the second man walked up to Dumb Joe and asked him, "Why do you
do that and have people laugh at you?"
"Well," says Joe, "if I took the dollar, the game would have been over
years ago."
3. MR. JONES
An old man, Mr. Jones, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse
Tracey asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracey," said Mr. Jones, "My 'little friend' died today,
and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh I'm so sorry, Mr. Jones. Please accept my condolences. "
The following day, Mr. Jones was walking down the hall with his
'little friend' hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracey.
"Mr. Jones," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
this, please put your 'friend' back inside your pajamas."
"But Nurse Tracey," replied Mr. Jones, "I told you yesterday that it
died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracey.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."
       
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Grandpa and Grandma and Viagra
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Posted:Mar 19, 2007 7:01 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2009 7:25 pm
5183 Views
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 Grandpa and Grandma
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his 's medicine cabinet. He asked the
about using one of the pills, and the said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
$10.00 a pill answered the .
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The extra hundred is from Grandma."
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Women are Crazy or are they?
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Posted:Mar 19, 2007 1:19 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:00 pm
4983 Views
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 Funny!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!!
Don't mess with them!!
Just smile and pass this on to those who need a laugh!!!
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Drinking With a Redneck Girl
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Posted:Mar 11, 2007 6:44 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 6:13 pm
5044 Views
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Got this in an e-mail, thought it was funny, so I wanted to share it.
Hope I don't get shot for this one
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and
shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless America !
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Hillbilly Love Poem
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Posted:Mar 11, 2007 6:35 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2009 5:44 pm
4969 Views
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This was e-mail to me by a friend, thought it was funny, had to share it.
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love,
She Planned To Marry Joe,
She Was So Happy 'Bout It All,
She Told Her Pappy So…
Pappy Told Her Susie Gal,
You'll Have To Find Another,
I'd Just As Soon Yo' Ma Don't Know,
But Joe Is Yo' Half Brother…
So Susie Put Aside Her Joe,
And Planned To Marry Will,
But After Telling Pappy This,'
He Said There's Trouble Still…
You Can't Marry Will My Gal,
And Please Don't Tell Yo' Mother
But, Will And Joe And Several Mo'
I Know Is Yo' Half Brothers…
But Mama Knew And Said, My ,
Just Do What Makes You Happy,
Marry Will Or Marry Joe,
You Ain't No Kin To Pappy…..
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Unforgettable Night
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Posted:Mar 11, 2007 12:25 am
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2008 10:45 am
5360 Views
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Joe and Jenny were good friends. Had been best friends for ten years. They had been there for each other through all the boyfriend and girlfriend who has come and gone in the last ten years. Never in that ten years did they ever except what was about to happen. It all happened because Joe wanted to make a girl jealous. He asked Jenny to help him and she said she would, what are friends for. And that is what lead to the night neither was likely to ever forget.
She meet him that night at the bar. He saw her and walked up to her. He kissed her, a kiss that took her breathe away. The look on her face made him laugh. He asked her, “What’s wrong?” She said, “Nothing.” He let it go at that time because he had his own reaction to think about. They had never kissed like that before tonight. He thought it would feel strange to kiss her like that, she was like a sister to him, but that is not what happened. The feeling he was having was not ones that you would have for a sister, that was for sure. With that he started wonder what she was feeling about the kiss. But now was not the time to ask. They sat down with the girl and their other friends. They held each others hands and a few small kisses, but nothing like the first kiss. They all sat around talking and there was some dance, they had a few slow dances. She felt warm, and wonder if she was getting sick, but she know it was because of him and how close he was, but she said nothing to him about what she was feeling. She was sad when it was time to go home, she didn’t want this night to end. She said to him, “After this dance it will time for me to leave.” “Oh no, not yet. I don’t want the night to end yet.” he said to her. “Joe, this is the last song the bar is closing, the night is at the end.” she told him. “Can I go home with you?” he asked her. But before she could answer he kissed her again. This time her knees did give away, but he hold her up, close to him. By the time he pulled away from her, she couldn’t even remember where she was or who she was. She just told him, “Yes.”
They went back to her place. She was nervous and didn’t know why. He is her best friend. Thing have just gotten out of control and they would talk and deal with this, and just go back to the way thing were before tonight. But when they walked into the house he pulled her to him and kissed her again. She thought, “Oh no, can’t let this happen. It will change ever thing.” But she couldn’t stop herself, she kissed him back. Then before she know it, they were in her room and clothes were coming off, being thrown everywhere. He laid her down on the bed, pulling her pants and underwear off. He took his off too. Then laid down next to her. Touch her face, he asked, “Do you really want to do this? I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do.” “Yes, I’m sure. I don’t want you to stop.” she said moving him to his back. And started to kiss his neck, nibbling on his ear lope and down to his chest. Kissing and biting as she went down. Moving her hand ahead grabbing his cock. Wrapping her hand around, moving her hand up and down slowly. She heard the moan escaped his mouth, so she moved on down. She wanted to put him in her mouth, wanting to hear more moans from him. She moved down, licking around the top and down the side. Down to his balls, licking and sucking on them. He moan again so she continued that for a while. Then came back the side and wrapped her lip around his cock and start sucking, using her teeth. He moaned again grabbing her shoulder and digging his nails in. Which she moaned to that, but continued what she was doing. Until he pulled her away laying her down on her back. Saying simple, “Your turn.” He smiled at her. Then kissed her, moving down her neck kissing. Touching her nice around boobs. Pinching and pulling. She moaned. He continued down, kissing and sucking and biting them in turn. While running his hand down to rub her pussy. She moaned again, and just when she thought she could take no more he was down between her legs. Kissing her down her thighs, until he was there kissing and licking her. Her legs started to shack. But he continued what he was doing putting his finger inside her. As he continue the lick her, she started moving, she didn’t know why, she just needed to. She moaned again, the feeling going through her was so unreal. It had never been like this for her before. She know she was about to cum, and she kept moving with him. He felt it when she came, it was so good. But he didn’t stop he wanted to bring her off again. That is what he did too. By the time he came back up to kiss her, her head was spinning. He asked her, “Do you need a break?” She said, “No, don’t stop. Want more, want you.” He put himself into her, moaning at how good she felt. He pulled her legs up, and started moving in and out of her. Then she said to him, surprising him, “Don’t be so gentle, really give it to me. Harder!” He moaned and did as she asked. Then he pulled out of her, told her to turn over and up on her knee. This time she did what she was told. He started out slow, teasing her. Until she begged him to go harder. She moved along with him, wanted him deep inside her. He grabbed her shoulder pulling her hard into him, digging his nails in her shoulders again. She moaned, saying “Oh yes.” He ran is nails down her back, knowing that would leave a mark, but she loved it, moaning again. He could not hold off anymore, feeling her release, he let himself go, cumming hard inside her. He fall next to her in the bed. Thinking that as soon as he was able to talk again, that they would have to talk about this. But she had other plans it seemed. She went down on him again. Licking and sucking him. She wasn’t done with him yet, he realized. But it felt so good, he was not going to stop her. When he was hard again, she got on top to ride him. Putting his hand back behind his head and moving to please herself, he just let her, not moving. Letting her get the pleasure she was feeling. She let his hands go, and he started moving with her. Sucking on tits that where there begging for attention. Her could hear her moaning and could feel her cum all over him. He thought again how good she felt, and even told her so, she smiled at him. They started moving faster and harder. His nail digging into her back. He said, “Would you like to try another position, I think you will like.” She just smile, and said, “Yes.” He told her lay on her flat on her stomach, he straddle her putting himself inside of her. He started slowly, teasing her again. Then he grabbed he wrist hold them down beside her, he started to slam into her. She said, “Oh god.” that was all that came out. She just moaned from that point, not being able to say anything. She could feel it she was about to cum again. And that was the end, they came together. This time when he fall next to her, he pulled her into his arms. He knew that he could never let her get away from him. He had to have her, now and forever. Until the next time….and there will be a next time…
Written by: Rosebud
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Ladies Night
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Posted:Mar 10, 2007 3:09 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:03 pm
5083 Views
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Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20
bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
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Bad Day At Work
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Posted:Mar 9, 2007 6:12 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:03 pm
5044 Views
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 (Funny...Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.)
I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
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LITTLE JOHNNY
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Posted:Mar 5, 2007 6:01 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:04 pm
5113 Views
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LITTLE JOHNNY
New teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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Little Johnny attended a auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from to , running his hands up and down the 's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
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Posted:Mar 5, 2007 5:36 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:05 pm
5108 Views
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are!!!
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Nick the Dragon Slayer
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Posted:Mar 4, 2007 6:59 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2008 9:05 pm
5090 Views
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Once upon a time, and far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
The moral of the story.......Always pay your bills. 
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To link to this blog (Rosebud322) use [blog Rosebud322] in your messages.
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