A Conversation  

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4/25/2021 7:31 am
A Conversation


Recent conversation with a married female co-worker:

Co-Worker: You're an amazing catch. You just need more confidence.

Me: All women say that as an excuse date and be with jerks.

Co-Worker: *rolls eyes* Oh god, that is not it.

Me: Not every guy is going be super confident. We don't all get what we want and if women would take a minute get know you as a human..., just , you'll find out why the guy isn't so confident. a woman going after that guy with low confidence...WILL GIVE HIM CONFIDENCE!

Co-Worker: *laughing* You are so over dramatic! Jeez! Well, what happened you then? You can't let the past dictate what your present is. You're not that person you were.

Me: Ugh, more bullshit! *puts hands on head in frustration* Do you really want insight into my being? Because I'll give you the run down that I've given to people over the years. Your view of me is going to change drastically...

Co-Worker: Oh goodness! It won't. Just tell me what it is, I'm curious now.

Me: Give me a second. *takes deep breath and exhales*

Co-Worker: It's okay...

Me: You know my dad died when I was young...

Co-Worker: ...Yes...

Me: ...I had just turned 13. He had a heart attack and I watched him die on the living room floor.

Co-Worker: *gasps* Oh my god! That's terrible!

Me: It's all right. That's just something that helps people understand the mindset I was in going into my and puberty. So, I went through my dad's<b> death </font></b>in 7th grade. By 8th grade that's kind of when boys and girls were kinda starting really take notice I guess you could say. I would ask girls out, dances...stuff like that. I had girls me "Gross" and "Faggot" and "Weirdo" and "Fat" and "Ugly". You . That's 8th grade. Then I get high school and that's when the real fun begins.

Co-Worker: Oh, what happened?

Me: In my freshman year of high school was a girl I liked. I worked up the courage ask her out on a date. She agreed. I was so happy. I can still remember how happy I was. I went the mall, stood in the exact spot we agreed to meet and she never showed. Next day in school her and her friends, some guys too, called me a faggot and pussy and loser. You . The usual insults of the time. That set me back pretty good. Then in my sophmore year in my German class these guys would me faggot and pussy all the time, the part that hurt was a couple of the girls would join in and they were girls I grew up with and had known since kindergarten. I did nothing them. Zilch. Just sitting trying learn. My junior year nothing really happened because I just didn't bother or talk anyone, that kept me clear and safe from any bad stuff. Then my senior year I got brave. I overheard one of the girls saying how she would go prom with ANYONE. Keyword is ANYONE. So five minutes later I mustered up the courage. Yes, I had muster up courage even when she said ANYONE. I walked up her and her group of friends, asked her prom and her response was "Ew, no!". So, that didn't feel great.

Co-Worker: *sobs a bit*

Me: You okay?

Co-Worker: That's awful...

Me: I'm not even finished yet, hahahaha! So I guess I'll stop telling you all my vagina drying failures. I went through a lot of crap like that, even after high school. I had wins. I had relationships. I just have never been that super confident guy. I'm just me. I am I am. What you see is what you get. I treat people good and try make people feel accepted because I don't want them feel like me. I don't want other people feel that emptiness or that sting of rejection. I'll go out of my way help another lonely dude find someone love because I don't want that guy feel the way I feel. I know what 's like stare into the abyss and to want to die. I DO NOT want others to ever have to live with this beast living inside of you that tells you that you're a loser and a failure and you're nothing. Nobody deserves that. That's unfortunately what I feel and that's what is living inside of me. I'll never be confident. I'll never be this super duper guy that women are oh so desperately searching for. It was beaten out of me LOOOONG ago. It can't come back without someone helping it back. The person that can do that is a woman, a patient woman that isn't going judge. And in todays world that's never going to happen. So I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and the sex, the love that I'll receive is from gay men in their 50's and 60's offer me.

Co-worker: *crying*

Me: You asked, haha.

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