Stuck in the Quick Sand of Consiquences  

MisfitJohn138 40M
3 posts
1/30/2022 7:37 am
Stuck in the Quick Sand of Consiquences


I've been some what silent on the blog front for the last couple of weeks. Moments during the day thoughts and topics come to the surface, quickly forgotten with the weight of life above me. The beginning of the year was an emotional battle fought for the right to walk down the street looking ahead of me, not face down staring at the sidewalk. I, for the first time in my life that I can remember, have upon multiple occasions in the last few months have been able to see evidence of my growth and maturing. One would argue, or at least my negative self talk tells me, "John your fucking 39, are you not supposed to be matured with a superior ability to regulate your emotions. So amazingly so that you are now prepared to pass this ability down to your offspring now." Well.......Nope. I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life. Granted, could ,my circumstances be different had I made different choices threw life? Well ya, but for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Consequences. They need not be good or bad, just the opposite reaction in life, the outcome. It Amuses me greatly to think of it in this aspect. Physics..... what an ignorant cunt I was in high school. So incredibly self obsessed and blind. I vividly remember sitting in into to physics arguing, who cares about the laws of the universe and why things happen. Things happen the way they do, are we are powerless to change universal law. So why waste time understanding why things happen, and instead, why do we not focus on the happening. Now 39, this attitude has come back to haunt me on many occasions. Mainly my interest in space, the universe and cosmos, and all things space travel, is definitely hindered with a limited understanding of the information I try to attain. I have also learned and firmly believe, that for every rule and law, there is always an exception. Now, granted, I am sure that some scientist could provide facts of absolutes, and honestly I would welcome that. But in life, love, growth, law, the flow of the cosmos threw this passage of time and space, there is always something that can create an axial wobble, an error in the code. This gray area people devote there entire lives and career in attempting to understand and communicate to the world. The ability to accept that the gray area is there, more so to attempt to understand and operate within this gray area of life is a gift I believe. The consequence of going to work on time, applying my self and being good at what I do results in job security and the ability to continue moving forwards amidst a forests with a virus spreading threw the foliage. A once bright and vibrant forest of shades of green and brown a plenty, now wilting the black and white shades of<b> death </font></b>spreading rampantly not so important. The consequences of living for others, continuing to use coping skills that no longer serve there purpose, and ultimately choosing to be me. The consequence is placing my self in a position of having to justify my choice of existence to people in a position to hand down Man's consequences. I know this sounds vague and cryptic, but this is my truth, I think to my self, who am I that my actions and my life deserve so much attention. Then that fire that has burned in my belly for as long as I can remember, that conviction, FUCKING CONVICTION, dramatic, but conviction is such a beautiful and powerful fucking thing. I guess even at times such a strong force that it could even be ugly and painful. I'm not one that can quote people accurately but I once heard and who knows this could be completely wrong, but I believe Gandhi said to be the change that you want to see. Our system is broken. A source of code, so completely and utterly corrupted by viruses, a code that no longer works no matter how badly the programmers rewrite and throw patches at it. Sadly there are two ways to approach this, and either is a legitimate approach depending where your at. You accept the code as something bigger than you, you read it and understand it and instead of fighting it, you learn to operate within the code. Or, go limp. Or at least that is how I describe my experience. So many times through life I have had the conviction deep with in that things were not right. I don't mean unfair, or poor me. I mean on a universal level, above man's choice, I believe this to be my moral compass. Nature or Nurture, fuck see we just keep opening can after can of worms. I digress, so do you allow your self to sway the moral compass for gain, or pleasure, or revenge. Are you even aware of it at all? I believe at some extent that we all have one, and to be perfectly honest I have lived my life at times where I was well aware of my compass pointing in the opposite direction and full bore continued what I was doing. I guess this is where healthy shame sparks into life. So now, not not fighting to code, merely floating on the same plane with it, I almost feel as though I am floating 100's of yards of the coast of the Florida. Lying there on my back allowing the currents to take me as they please. Allowing the code to notice my choice to be non reactive to its stimuli, instead floating here, reading code and understanding it, conviction comes flowing forth and a Phoenix that has flown through battle after battle at the wizards side, has none times of peace and merriment, seen atrocities, and ran the gambit of life lands upon a platinum perch one last time. Breathing deeper and deeper with each breath taken, slowly starts to ease his muscles, shoulders relaxing, wings gently falling to each side, tail lowering as it is unfurled in a majestic tapestry of secrets. Eyes slowly shutting as his beak begins resting upon its broad chest. One can't tell whether the light is playing tricks upon ones eyes, but did you see a wisp of smoke, or is the dust in the room merely worked into the air upon his entrance.

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