Reflections on meetups: Going from digital to real life
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Posted:Aug 20, 2018 12:14 pm
Last Updated:Aug 23, 2018 4:42 am
2461 Views
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Full disclosure, I use both this site and Tinder to cast a social net out there and see what is available.
While it seems that this site would be more conducive to a meet up/hook up, my experience has been that Tinder has worked better. And of course, me being me, I reflect on why that is as well as seeking out the commonalities as well as the differences.
The conclusions I drew - which are not all-encompassing by any means - are threefold. First, I believe Tinder is going to reach many more people in the general area. As with any sort of dating or hookup prospects, it is a numbers game through and through. Secondly, with Tinder I feel as though there is a certain social etiquette that is vis-a-vis a prospective meetup which is likely missed or underused on Senior Sizzle: the palatable introduction. On this subject, there are a myriad ways of going about it. General guidelines (for guys) is to avoid the laconic "hey," "how are you?" "how has your day been?" and instead say something that indicates any number of the following: that you read their profile, that you have a personality and are fun/relaxed, and express genuine interest. As with Senior Sizzle, Tinder women have their pick of the litter. This is where guys misunderstand a lack of response as disinterest (which, it may be) instead of looking at the fact that females must sift through and triage their matches. Finally, I feel as though Senior Sizzle is more fantasy-driven and addresses certain "taboos" which mean more vulnerability for a potential meetup.
For me, I treat the Tinder meetup like the Senior Sizzle meetup: first and foremost, connection and mutual agreement on what follows. Honesty and communication are crucial; trust, precarious but can be fostered with an easy-flowing conversation and taking things slowly. That last part - taking things slowly - is key. Guys of course get overtaken by unrealistic expectations and neediness and usually blow it (I've been there, believe me).
So how about the meetup? Guys, in my opinion, should lead the way facilitating a meetup in the near future, at a certain place and time (I prefer meeting up over coffee to see if there is any conversation) that is public and safe.
Ultimately, guys need to be prepared for being stood up. This past weekend I had three meetups and only two showed. I have been stood up a few times and while it is not the best feeling in the world, it is not the worst. For guys, the message is simple: be understanding, and realize that they do not owe you anything. Also keep in mind that they are likely nervous, or forgot, or had other plans, or any reasons which are basically none of our business to decide for them. Do not get angry. Anger - an expression of hurt; a secondary emotion - shows immaturity and a desire to control.
To wrap it up, take it easy and go with the flow. Foster positive encounters and have a genuine interest in the other person and their needs. Most of all, take nothing personal.
Hope you enjoyed this blog post! Feel free to comment!
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Egos are so fragile, especially in needy men
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Posted:Jul 2, 2018 4:08 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2018 2:07 am
2048 Views
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Article: A female perspective on saying ‘No Thanks’ LINK
Read the above article first. It's the inspiration for this blog post
I love this article.
My response combines two viewpoints. The viewpoint of someone who is not centered, who looks for validation externally in the world around him (i.e. insecure); and the other viewpoint is from a man who is centered and in his element. He is confident and not in a braggadocios way but in a way that shows he is comfortable in his own skin and enjoys his place in the world.
I want to make it abundantly clear that I have been both the needy, clingy insecure ‘beta male’ who wishes and prays for acceptance; I have thankfully, and gratefully - with the aid of mentors and a desire for understanding - developed into a man who treats myself and those around me with respect. And with this newfound view of the world, I see remnants of who I used to be manifested in others. Case in point ...
I read a lot about guys asking women how they should pick them up, or how to get laid on this site, or how to talk to women in general. I used to devour anything and everything that would give me an upper hand with the opposite sex. One of the biggest problems looking back on that bizarre, confusing and uncomfortable portion of my life, I realized I pretty much never applied anything I learned from the guru pickup artists and self-made dating coaches. I was too afraid of rejection. I rarely took action and when I did, God knows it was a weak attempt communicating what I felt inside: I am not good enough. I don';t like who I am and you probably won';t either.
At that time in my life rejection meant everything to me. Back then I knew it in my soul that to be rejected by one person - a veritable stranger - meant the world writ large rejected me and I was to be cast away from society, bitterly and scathingly critical of anything so much as resembling a risk or fear of failing. Sounds pretty sad, yes? Not to mention, presumptuous, outlandish and just immature. Yes, that was who I used to be. Life was not very fun at all.
That was then. Several years and 180 degrees different, the world around me has not changed, but my responses to it has. Today I get to choose how I want to feel about ';me'; walking away from, or into a situation whose outcome has yet to be seen.
Even still, I';ve occasionally been told ';no thanks.'; I';ve been stood up on dates. I';ve been ghosted. It happens. Do I feel upset? A little, but what happened happened for a reason. It just wasn';t meant to be, and that is okay. It may or may not have anything to do entirely with me. I can choose to get angry, vindictive and swear that all women are evil and manipulative (fill in the blank). That seems to be the default knee-jerk reaction for a lot of men: anger. Growing up, it was more socially acceptable for a guy to feel angry than to feel ... dare I say ... hurt? Disappointed? Feel less than, perhaps. Or I can choose to move on, to remember there are a lot of opportunities out there, and there is no need to rush into or pressure someone into a forced situation.
Part of the problem as I see it - in the context of talking with the opposite sex - is guys put their hopes, dreams and fragile egos into the hands of a complete stranger, praying to the God of Sex that they get something out of it, and when our ego is smashed to pieces, our pride stands up for us to justify their innocence. The reaction can be an implosion or an outrage. No wonder women are fearful of saying ';no thanks'; and would rather just not say anything at all.
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What is was like, what it's like now
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Posted:Jul 1, 2018 8:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 8:56 pm
2000 Views
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I have not been on this site in quite a while.
I'll refrain from delineating some vapid, drawn out story about what I have been up to in the meantime.
Instead, I'll write in some obfuscated way about how grateful I am that my life has unfolded the way it has.
In the past I have endured failure, embarrassment shame, and what can only be referred to as feeling like I don't belong. It's as if everyone else got the memo on how to live life and I missed out. I've paid for this with the various manifestations of self: selfishness, insecurity, fear, anxiety, etc.
And I would not change a moment of what I have been through. My life now is really amazing. I'm in grad school, I have been throwing myself into fight training (boxing mostly), have been reading almost a book per week (The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings, The Power of Habit, Zealot and Chasing the Scream, to name a few), I workout regularly, I have an awesome family and close friends ... I feel - for lack of a better word - blessed.
Several years ago I attempted suicide; not successfully, of course, but it was a concerted effort to end my own life (booze and pills) and I did not expect to wake up in the morning. No good bye letter, no phone calls. I did not tell a soul. I remember being steeped in the absolute nadir of depression and could not imagine a way out. So I created one, ostensibly. I remember thinking I would feel relief that it was finally coming to an end and instead was met with sadness: how did I get to this point? Why has it come to this?
Waking up from that incident, I had this insatiable desire to fight back against my depressive moods and seek what I believed to be a better life. It was not easy (it was never easy). The only way I can describe what it felt like was accepting that there has got to be something better out there. I didn't know what it was or where to find it. I never had a mentor growing up; someone who could guide me; someone I could emulate. This created a lot of frustration for me. An identity crafted in contrast to everything I believed to be true about myself was precarious as best. And I failed. A lot.
That was a long time ago. Today I cannot imagine not being alive.
The biggest lesson I have learned is to reach out to others and to avoid isolating. When I isolate, I have only my opinions and my imagination to contend with. It is always best to seek the counsel of others which I avoided doing so for far too long.
It's not about 'me', it's about 'we'. And that is something I am indescribably grateful for today.
What were your defining moments? What have you figured out this far?
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First things first, know who you are
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Posted:Jul 9, 2017 3:01 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2018 3:52 pm
2399 Views
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"Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue (...) Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice (...) Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement (...)
This above all- to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
- Hamlet (Act 1, scene 3, lines 545-565)
This blog is about the importance of self-awareness, insight and being who we really are.
My journey to know who I am began with a failed marriage. So many questions remained and not a sole - except for my inebriated friends whose consolations took a blended form of apathy, machismo and misogyny - to answer them. How had this happened? Who had I become? How could it start so promising and end so abruptly and with mutual aversion to one another? Is this me?
Me. Myself. Who am I and how did I get here? Who was I in that marriage? Who had I become?
Self-discovery is a lexicon described by emotions, feelings and urges; it's a basic yet complicated foundation from which we operate. The key is asking the right questions, being honest, open, willing and objective. One must take risks, gain experience and learn both from success and (more importantly) from failure.
No easy task for sure, but it is entirely possible.
Here is an example. What is an ideal romantic relationship for you? Is it NSA? Is it monogamy? What value do you place on honesty? Communication? Money? Physical attraction? Education? Think about it for a minute and truly conceive of this 'ideal' situation.
Now ask yourself: why? Why do you want what you want?
I'll use myself as an example. I want a positive, mutually-beneficial and agreed upon NSA with someone who I have at least somewhat of a connection with. What is a 'connection'? It's a recognition that we are similar people looking for similar things from each other. I place a very high value on honesty and communication, as well as interaction and chemistry. I want to believe that we both want the same thing. I want to know they will not be clingy and I want them to know that I am secure in myself and will not reach out incessantly. I want the interaction to be positive and the small talk to be productive and cooperative. I want them to be within a certain age, certain physical appearance, etc.
All the while, I am honest with myself. I take care of myself. I hold a conversation, but I don't do most of the talking. I am confident. I am honest. I do not delude myself into thinking something is a certain way. I give what I expect. I make no apologies for what I expect because I know I offer the genuine, real me.
Without self-knowledge I would not know what I want and why. Do not apologize for who you are. Own it. Test it. Apply yourself out in the world and see what happens.
When I was younger I used to spend a lot of time by myself, shy, not really interacting with people. It was mainly due to insecurity I now realize. Back then, I could not figure out what exactly it was that kept me so closed off. I was afraid to be me and I did not want to be rejected. I didn't test who I was, I just assumed.
I would argue that we all want to be wanted in some regard. Sometimes, we want this so much so that we put forward a modicum of who we are to test the waters. I used to lack the courage to be my true self, so I was always wearing some mask and being some version of who I am.
The real you is honest, genuine and consistent.
Take the time to learn about yourself and have the courage to be who you are. Anything else is an exercise in frustration, futility and disappointment.
My marriage failed - in part - because I felt I had to be the "alpha" and stand my ground without regard to the relationship's health and well-being. I was not brave enough to be vulnerable. I acted out of fear and insecurity and consequently created more of the same in my own life.
Be brave. Be honest. Be open-minded. Be willing. Learn from your mistakes and go make some more.
And realize that you are not alone. We are all trying to figure this out, one day at a time.
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