I Stand Defeated
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Posted:Oct 29, 2019 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2019 1:51 pm
7229 Views
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I am writing this in non poetry form. I am defeated. I have overcome a childhood of abuse, intense mental abuse and ultimate sexual abuse. I overcame husband that put me in the hospital twice barely surviving his wrath because of the looks God gave me and the attention it brings me. I prosecuted the 2nd time. I was able find a job with a Colorado Governors office while he was active... an hold my own among his staff of 72, all having degrees in political science or psychology... I held my own with a GED for 3.5 years then held jobs as executive assistant 2 presidents of major companies.
I am not a piece of shit. I have letters from my sons telling they could not live without . I have been a good mom and a productive member of society.
Now I need help and have no one. The narcissist that I called my friend has taken everything away from me, and I sit here starring at a bottle of muscle relaxers saying myself should I end the pain or fight My phone service has been suspended. I ran out of gas on the 610 Sunday night, after my ex took the pennies and dimes I had for gas and threw them into his yard well beyond my collection of them. I was subsequently towed. Now I sit here with no food in my house, no phone service...and my paid for Tahoe sitting in a HPD storage lot. In that truck is my computer with my life on it, my drivers license my and the only copy of a book I was about to publish.
I am defeated. I am now losing my sons too. Their dad is taking them away because I have lost everything. I will not survive my own existence without those boys...I am not sexy...not smart...not funny...not anything without the people that gave purpose after living a life that I barely survived with my sanity intact. My ex stole my phone. When I went to retrieve it he fractured my nose. So now I can say with the loss of my sons right around the corner that now I am defeated as a human . I have lost everything that ever meant anything to me. I am defeated as a woman and as a human being.
So tell me what choices do I have now...all I see is this bottle of pills that seem to say here is your way out. But inside of me I scream “fuck off I will beat this” and yet in defeat I know it’s a lie. Now what?
Now what?
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5
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As If I Didn’t Know
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Posted:Aug 11, 2019 4:21 pm
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2019 12:13 pm
7311 Views
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He’s young but he kisses like an old man
And he avoids having to do it whenever he can
He likes to have sex if it involves only he
He forgets I am even in the room, he does not see me
And he will be harder than a goddamned rock
And all of the sudden it’s like his cock is blocked
He comes home with a hickey and pretends that I won’t care
Then sends a text that he misses her, like I’m not even there.
He tells bullshit thru clenched teeth that used make me swoon
But I have not heard a nice thing said In many, many moons
He says he loves everyday but those are words he has say
To make sure I don’t go away so he has a bed for one more day
( and he talks to hickey every day, sometimes he goes to her to play)
I tell him leave me, stop hurting me so
He just says “I love you babe”, as If I didn’t know
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2
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Satans Kiss
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Posted:Jul 30, 2019 11:42 am
Last Updated:Oct 3, 2019 12:56 pm
7396 Views
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I felt the sting and then the slap,
As he pulled me onto his fiery lap
His words they left a special taste
Upon my ears though said in haste
He desperately wanted me to believe
his love was real, he could never deceive
I needed to trust him, so desperate to Love
Ignoring the warning sent down from above
Aware of the danger bubbled within
But longing for love and to hold fast a friend
Needing to feel his skin on my skin
His fiery breath offering his sin
So I played with his fire, increased my desire
The lust became need, I begged for his seed
He wiped a large tear as it rolled down my cheek
With a smile I was marked, then told I was weak
The urge was to flee but I couldn’t budge
Ensnared his lies, his charm I’m disarmed
I put my cool lips upon his hot face
Fully I knew this was my fall from grace
And I knew right then I had sealed my own fate
With Satan sweet kiss it was finally too late
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2
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Delicious
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Posted:Jul 30, 2019 10:00 am
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2024 6:33 am
7149 Views
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Delicious he was but emotionally distant
I wasn’t looking when he found me
he was so damn persistent
caught up in his charm
and seeing no harm
I wanted to be the girl on his arm
I let myself trust and got hurt in the end
I miss my lover, I miss my good friend
I miss his hot sex but he made me a wreck
Something delicious can still make you sick.
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0
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Its Not My Fault
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Posted:Jan 2, 2019 9:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2019 12:13 pm
8216 Views
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It's not my fault you are not aroused
Even tho I sucked you for 2 hours
Whenever you get grumpy you like to run
The women you keep on the side for fun
And you say they are friends but I know the truth
This pussy collecting is part of youth
Even though you said the best in town
You keep those stupid hoes around
And you have hurt me but I still here
I an idiot, that is so clear
So go ahead with your stupid game
But for your own shortfalls I am not to blame
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9
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Holiday
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Posted:Nov 20, 2018 7:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2019 9:39 pm
8352 Views
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I asked myself the other day,
when could I take a holiday,
away from sorrow away from strife,
to forget the struggle, away from my life
My smart boys with their straights A's
Don't deserve these dark cold days
Don't deserve to go without
Their lives enveloped with fear and doubt
Just how will they grow to be
Productive members of society
When all they see is their Mothers pain
I put up a fight, but it's all in vain
Trying to jump on that Gravy Train
Working hard but seeing no gain
Finding I cannot escape the rain
All the pressure it hurts my brain
And slowly drives me more insane
From my own doomsday thoughts I can’t refrain
To my beautiful boys I can never explain
Failing them and losing myself once again
There must be a way, yet, I’m too tired to pray
And God has stopped listening, anyway!
I wanted to prove I could fight for us all
Hold our heads above water, not let us fall
And just for moment, a real chance to be
Wallowing in peace and security
Not asking for easy, just a moment in time
A Holiday from this hard life of mine.
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3
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Sexual Kindred
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Posted:Oct 16, 2018 8:56 am
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2018 5:26 am
8799 Views
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I can imagine a world that agrees
That love and good sex
is all that we need
sinners by nature
lust plants it seed
deviant pleasures
fulfilling the need
Finding another
whose needs are the same
enjoying each other
without guilt or shame
a curious mind
looking to find
depravity shared
a lascivious snare
with one who in kind
shares a like mind
two kindred in spirit
so delicious you fear it
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5
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Is It Enough
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Posted:Oct 10, 2018 6:59 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2019 6:05 pm
8830 Views
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What stretch of the imagination does it take
To imagine what lies in a Mother's wake
Knowing her health is at stake
And every heartbeat is a heartbreak
A mother who always was keenly aware
Having healthy was answered prayer
She kept prayers in her heart for the many who
Sat beside sick , deep in prayer, too
She prayed for the , the parents, and more
For doctors and nurses, and those who cared for
The poor little hearts who are stricken so young
At least once a month, prayers for every one
And now some years later an ugly face rears
The face she avoided for so many years
That kept her aware of how life's so unfair
Confronting her now, she's caught in it's snare
What does she do to protect him from this
It's way beyond a boo boo bunny and kiss
Beyond any stress that the asthma could stir
Powerless this time her eyes start to blur
And her prayers sound more desperate than they ever did
As she bargains and whimpers and begs for her
As she desperately asks all the why's and the how's
And questions her Lord about what he allows
And she knows that her faith is all that is there
To float them during this horrible scare
She can't take on his illness, his fear, or his pain
But can faith bring hope to their lives once again
And is it enough to keep her from going insane
While ripping him away from this abhorrent bane
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3
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Final Blog
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Posted:Sep 15, 2018 9:58 pm
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2019 5:53 am
9233 Views
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Well I have really enjoyed the fact that someone out there had read and could relate to my poetic words, and when I would see multiple comments/feedback...I started to feel like a belonged somewhere instead of me just blowing around in the clouds, tethered but fighting it, perfectly happy to catch a strong wind and be blown into the atmosphere, away from my tether. Floating up, up, up!!! Until the earth disappears and I am one with the stars. And for a very brief moment, strikingly close to the moment I realize my true fate and the panic sets in, I find I am at peace with myself, with my accomplishments, with my failures, and with my faith. The warming sensation of peace enveloping your whole essence. Then comes the anxiety, the loss of control, regret, and the plea to no one... to Wake me! Wake me, please!!! I don't want this to be my end....PPPLLEEASE!!!!
That is how my life has been, a series of events that left me floundering for years as I figured out how to navigate in a world that doesn't know what to do with a woman like me...too loud...too strong...too smart (actual comment from
ex-boyfriends friend..."you really need to dumb it down a little) too deep, too pretty, to honest, to sexual....BELIEVE ME...I have heard it all. And just like a relationship that runs its coarse I believe my time here on this blog has run its coarse, interest lost, no more love for the little girl lost (me silly).
I did make a calendar that I sell on deviant art as well as some canvas renderings and other fodder, in the hopes that my art can help keep us afloat.
I am also submitting a book by tomorrow night to Amazon kindle, a first of many fears I am attempting to conquer. And it no longer matters to me if I find my Kool Kat. I have my priorities, like getting myself and my sons out of the cocoon of poverty, That's what the rabbit was invented for right, and there's still my 24 speed Mr Shower head who I would marry if it had a job...hahahahaha!
Thanks to all of you who indulged me and kept from happening something that I had feared for years...that I would die, with all my poems in a box under my bed... unread.
Have a beautiful life! Peace!
CrzyGryl
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5
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How to be Queen
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Posted:Sep 15, 2018 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2019 4:47 pm
9150 Views
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How to be Queen
Away from the commoners, the king takes his throne
He's had every woman he's bored and alone
If he could just find one that can make him feel good
He’d give her the whole goddamn neighborhood
But the women he's been with they're tired and lame
Each claim they're different but they're all the same
Except for one girl who's never agreed
To be the fine filly to his super hung steed
He sends a messenger to her cottage on the hill
And a note that says ”baby you give me a thrill”
What can I give you to make you come see me
You name it! You got it! Just be here by 3!
Cuz that's when the queen takes her afternoon tea
I want you so bad you've got a king on his knees
So the maiden agrees to go see the king
She had nothing but wanted EVERYTHING!
She smelled amazing from her toes to her head
And ended up in the happy Kings bed
She pleased him so well that he couldn't speak
Her gifts and her talents rendered him weak
The queen was put out within 2 days
That was the payment for the maidens hot ways
Never again would she work hard or toil
She took the Queen's seat and all of her spoils
And the king changed all of his unfaithful ways
Cuz his queen gave him good loving all night and day
What is the message that this story tells?
If you want to be queen, you must feed the king well!
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2
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The Sun Cried
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Posted:Sep 9, 2018 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2018 11:39 pm
9071 Views
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I told the Sun that someday she’d die
And to my surprise she started to cry
Just when will this happen was her reply
I thought I would eternally light up the sky
Don't cry it won't happen for billions of years
I'm the one that should be shedding tears
You get to go out with a wonderful bang
So massive it will take out everything
Whereas my time In this big universe
Is the blink of God's eye, so it could be worse
After a minute the sun dried her tears
You're right I still have a few billion years
Everything created at some point will die
My years are many, it’s you who should cry.
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2
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The Sign
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Posted:Sep 9, 2018 12:51 pm
Last Updated:Aug 3, 2019 5:51 am
8990 Views
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A woman put a sign up
Near the curb so others might see it
It read “soul for sale by owner”
And she waited for someone to read it
No one came by that day
As she sat waiting in the tall grass
Burnt at first but then thankful
To God, for saving her ass
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1
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Me So Horny
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Posted:Mar 25, 2018 2:36 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2018 12:54 am
10326 Views
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I'm a single mom with no time to date
And I've been pretty horny of late
I talk to lots of men and I've hoped and I prayed
And there's a lots of what ifs and false promises made
But so far I've not coupled, I've had no playtime
How will I feed this great hunger of mine?
I could fuc all the strangers that reach out to me
But I'm into quality and not quantity
And I'm quite sure that once I give up my treasure
He'll be on his way seeking others for pleasure
Until I can find a Kool Kat for my bed
I'll be thankful I own a 12 speed shower head.
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To link to this blog (Crzygryl) use [blog Crzygryl] in your messages.
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