Peace of Mind
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Posted:Jun 29, 2012 4:33 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2018 2:00 pm
31605 Views
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An 80-year old woman walks into a pharmacy and requests a set of birth control pills from the pharmacist. The pharmacist is bemused by this and points out that at her age, she has no need for them.
"I know, but they help me sleep better at night," she insists.
The pharmacist then details all of the active ingredients and chemicals that comprise said birth control pills, assuring her that nothing in the medication could act as a depressant, narcotic, or relaxant.
"I know, but they help me sleep better at night," she insists.
Finally the pharmacist explains that the pills are quite expensive and being an 80-year old woman, she is likely on a fixed income so he dosn't want her to waste her money.
"I know," she agrees. "But every morning while I make breakfast for my 16-year old grand-, I crumble one of these pills up and put it in her orange juice. When she finishes the glass, believe me: I sleep better at night!!"
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Freakin' Holidays!
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Posted:Dec 9, 2010 2:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2013 9:00 am
31576 Views
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I know I've been away awhile but I always make it a point to post my fave blog entry. Yes, once again it's time to post our rundown of American holidays and how cherished and spiritual a time of year this is!
Happy Holidays to all my blog buddies!
As the greatest commercialization of a sacred celebration in our civilization draws near (by that I mean Xmas, of course) it has dawned on me that, as this season of giving has mutated into "gimme more" over the last 100 years, let us reflect on how Americans are uniquely qualified to pervert just about any holiday into a manifestation of the medieval Deadly Sins:
1. Pride-Memorial Day: A day of remembrance. A solemn occasion of honoring the valiant dead who fought to preserve our unique heritage on the bloody battlefield by having a moment of silence, placing a flower on a vet's grave...
...then hopping in my new V6 rolltop with 6-speaker Surround Sound, cruise control, and titanium rims so I can jet down to the beach and show off the hot bod I developed all winter through the Atkins Diet, Bowflex, liposuction, Botox, and bulimia/steroids (you pick!)
"Some gave all..." We took the rest!
Support our troops-at least until the beach opens! USA! USA!
2. Envy-Valentine's Day: Wasn't Valentine a Saint? How come no one calls him that anymore? Oh, right, because he was sainted for his act of charity and sacrifice, as opposed to this miserable Hallmark holiday which demands that everyone in existence pretend that the person who currently gets them off once a month is his/her soulmate and not some controlling, possessive wacko. What better way to assuage your lovelorn melancholy over that girl who went away to college, or your high school sweetheart who was "too nice to be with me," than to demand chocolates, cards, and jewelry as compensation for settling with a boring loser who farts in his/her sleep, knows more positions on the ballfield/yoga class than in the bedroom, and is allergic to anything that tastes good?!
If you really loved me like my ex did, you would know all of this already!
Honestly, if this holiday wasn't about jealousy, why would its initials be VD?
3. Sloth-Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: Someone apparently said, 'America, we need another federal holiday because government employees are overworked.' I know! Let's honor our bravest civil rights leader by giving off a Monday in JANUARY so that the only place warm enough to take advantage of it is The DEEP SOUTH! Good thinking! "Hey, what are you doing for MLK Day?" "Ummm-Nothing!" In the name of love, indeed.
4. Anger-Independence Day: I quote the noted American philosopher Homer J. Simpson, "What better way to celebrate your country's independence than by blowing a chunk of it up?"
5. Gluttony-Thanksgiving: A perfect American holiday. Eat and drink all day, then sleep it off while watching football. The Europeans have this too, but they call it "Saturday." Videos of this are shown in Somalia, where it's referred to as "Porn."
6. Greed-Christmas: At least once during the month of December, you will hear the following phrases at least once:
"He got more than me!"
"At least we've still got more lights than those white trash assholes across the street."
"How can Best Buy charge $25 for a Devo CD?"
"When is Santa coming? I want presents! Fuck kindergarten!"
"I buy you a plasma TV and you got me a frickin' gift card? To Wal-Mart?"
"Getouttamyfuckinwayazzhole!"
"If I had known that she was making that this year then I wouldn't have made it too but everyone knows that I always make it for Christmas, it's like tradition, almost, and I don't see why a person would take it upon herself to cook something that she knows someone else takes a lot of personal time and energy to make it when Lord knows that this season is so busy as it is..." [Edited for interminable boredom]
"YO! Shove that bell up your ass, Santa!"
"I already have this. (sigh)"
"We have to go to church today?? Fuck that!!!"
...And He shall reign for ever and ever!!!
7. Lust-New Year's Eve: A time for reflection and forecasting, assessing where you've been and where you're going, gleaning wisdom from another year enduring the slings and arrows of ourtrageous fortune, hopefully improving as a human being in terms of kindness, generosity, and compassion.
Followed by dressing up for an all-night bash in which you get sloshed just enough to muster the courage to kiss someone at midnight and prove to yourself that even though you have no one to spend the next 365 days with, TONIGHT you're at least... doable! A perfect time for drunken, reckless, unprotected sex with friends, strangers, and sometimes even relatives, and all forgivable because the next day-POOF! It was the OLD 'you' that did it, not the "New, Improved You!" A perfect time to check the expiration dates on your condoms!
That's it, then. The 7 Deadly Sins as represented throughout the calendar year. If you can relate and you're female, feel free to contact me. If you can relate and you're male, stay away from my sister!!!
HAPPY F*CKIN'HOLIDAYS!!!
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The
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Posted:Dec 21, 2009 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2011 12:26 pm
30328 Views
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I've been hearing conservative commentators lately refer to the secular "war on Xmas" in this country and even crowing about how they forced Wal-MArt to allow their employees to wish customers "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays."
What kind of war is that? The very same people who decry the commercialization of their sacred holiday are complainig that one of the corporations most responsible for this commercialization isn't making them feel good about their holiday?
So Wal-MArt and Macy's are apparently hurting the self-esteem of Christians in America...
The problem with the Bible-thumpers is that they interpret the fact that Christmas is a federal holiday as some government sanctioned acknowledgment that we're a "Christian" country.
While it is true that 85% of the country identifies itself as Christian in one form or another, I don't think that the feds made it a national day off just because most people would take the day anyway or because we're an inherently Christian country.
If you look at other holidays that we get, most of them celebrate people who have made a lasting, powerful impact on our culture and our national consciousness. We celebrate Columbus because he brought news of the New World to a Europe still trying to emerge from medieval society, not because he discovered America (and certainly not for the genocide he committed against the Arawaks on Hispaniola.)
Similarly, we honor Washington and Lincoln for their unequivocal impact on the founding and preservation of our union, just as Memorial Day and Veterans Day serve to remind us of our war dead and those who fought for our country in times of war.
None of these dates are designed to deify the people honored, any more than Halloween is our honoring the Celtic gods at Samhain, which is the pagan ritual on which our trick or treating is based. Lots of of every denomination take part and it has no effect on our religious freedom.
So, conversely, it would seem that the purpose of having Christmas be a federal holiday is our way of acknowledging the spirit of a great philosopher who preached Peace above all else. Whether you worship him as the of God or not (and I don't!) it seems to me that taking one day out of the year to remember a man who died for his beliefs and refused to do violence, even towards those who would kill him, is a perfectly valid message to send nationwide.
Isn't that the same reason we have Martin Luther King Day?
We spend so little time reflecting on what's really important in this country.
There is no 'war on Xmas' except in the conniving half-witted bunch of talking heads who are trying to drum up ratings for their tiresome forums.
Peace be with you.
"Happy Xmas-War is Over."
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An old one but a good'un...
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Posted:Dec 8, 2009 4:52 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2012 12:38 pm
29932 Views
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Three ducks walk into a bar and belly up for a drink. The bartender raises an eyebrow but since they're paying customers he idles over and introduces himself.
"How are ye, lad? I'm Mick and welcome to McGill's. What's yer name, what'll ye have, and how's yer day goin'?" he says in his finest brogue.
The first duck says. "Hi, Mick! My name's Tom and I'm doing great-I've been in and out of puddles all day! Let me have a beer."
Mick the bartender nods and slides one over to Tom. He then proceeds to the next duck and says his same schtick.
"How are ye, lad? I'm Mick and welcome to McGill's. What's yer name, what'll ye have, and how's yer day goin'?" he says in his finest brogue.
The second duck says, "Hi, Mick. I'm Dick, and I'm doing great-I've been in and out of puddles all day! Let me have a whiskey."
Mick the bartender nods and slides one over to Dick. He then proceeds to the next duck and tries a different line.
"Let me guess, laddie-since your mates are Tom and Dick, you must be Harry, eh?"
The third duck groans, "No. My name is Puddles. Give me ten tequila shots-
and don't even ASK how my day is going!"
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The Seven Deadly Sins Annual Post
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Posted:Nov 25, 2009 1:56 pm
Last Updated:Dec 12, 2016 7:11 pm
31927 Views
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Yes, once again it's time to post our rundown of American holidays and how cherished and spiritual a time of year this is!
Happy Thanksgiving to all my blog buddies!
As the greatest commercialization of a sacred celebration in our civilization draws near (by that I mean Xmas, of course) it has dawned on me that, as this season of giving has mutated into "gimme more" over the last 100 years, let us reflect on how Americans are uniquely qualified to pervert just about any holiday into a manifestation of the medieval Deadly Sins:
1. Pride-Memorial Day: A day of remembrance. A solemn occasion of honoring the valiant dead who fought to preserve our unique heritage on the bloody battlefield by having a moment of silence, placing a flower on a vet's grave...
...then hopping in my new V6 rolltop with 6-speaker Surround Sound, cruise control, and titanium rims so I can jet down to the beach and show off the hot bod I developed all winter through the Atkins Diet, Bowflex, liposuction, Botox, and bulimia/steroids (you pick!)
"Some gave all..." We took the rest!
Support our troops-at least until the beach opens! USA! USA!
2. Envy-Valentine's Day: Wasn't Valentine a Saint? How come no one calls him that anymore? Oh, right, because he was sainted for his act of charity and sacrifice, as opposed to this miserable Hallmark holiday which demands that everyone in existence pretend that the person who currently gets them off once a month is his/her soulmate and not some controlling, possessive wacko. What better way to assuage your lovelorn melancholy over that girl who went away to college, or your high school sweetheart who was "too nice to be with me," than to demand chocolates, cards, and jewelry as compensation for settling with a boring loser who farts in his/her sleep, knows more positions on the ballfield/yoga class than in the bedroom, and is allergic to anything that tastes good?!
If you really loved me like my ex did, you would know all of this already!
Honestly, if this holiday wasn't about jealousy, why would its initials be VD?
3. Sloth-Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: Someone apparently said, 'America, we need another federal holiday because government employees are overworked.' I know! Let's honor our bravest civil rights leader by giving off a Monday in JANUARY so that the only place warm enough to take advantage of it is The DEEP SOUTH! Good thinking! "Hey, what are you doing for MLK Day?" "Ummm-Nothing!" In the name of love, indeed.
4. Anger-Independence Day: I quote the noted American philosopher Homer J. Simpson, "What better way to celebrate your country's independence than by blowing a chunk of it up?"
5. Gluttony-Thanksgiving: A perfect American holiday. Eat and drink all day, then sleep it off while watching football. The Europeans have this too, but they call it "Saturday." Videos of this are shown in Somalia, where it's referred to as "Porn."
6. Greed-Christmas: At least once during the month of December, you will hear the following phrases at least once:
"He got more than me!"
"At least we've still got more lights than those white trash assholes across the street."
"How can Best Buy charge $25 for a Devo CD?"
"When is Santa coming? I want presents! Fuck kindergarten!"
"I buy you a plasma TV and you got me a frickin' gift card? To Wal-Mart?"
"Getouttamyfuckinwayazzhole!"
"If I had known that she was making that this year then I wouldn't have made it too but everyone knows that I always make it for Christmas, it's like tradition, almost, and I don't see why a person would take it upon herself to cook something that she knows someone else takes a lot of personal time and energy to make it when Lord knows that this season is so busy as it is..." [Edited for interminable boredom]
"YO! Shove that bell up your ass, Santa!"
"I already have this. (sigh)"
"We have to go to church today?? Fuck that!!!"
...And He shall reign for ever and ever!!!
7. Lust-New Year's Eve: A time for reflection and forecasting, assessing where you've been and where you're going, gleaning wisdom from another year enduring the slings and arrows of ourtrageous fortune, hopefully improving as a human being in terms of kindness, generosity, and compassion.
Followed by dressing up for an all-night bash in which you get sloshed just enough to muster the courage to kiss someone at midnight and prove to yourself that even though you have no one to spend the next 365 days with, TONIGHT you're at least... doable! A perfect time for drunken, reckless, unprotected sex with friends, strangers, and sometimes even relatives, and all forgivable because the next day-POOF! It was the OLD 'you' that did it, not the "New, Improved You!" A perfect time to check the expiration dates on your condoms!
That's it, then. The 7 Deadly Sins as represented throughout the calendar year. If you can relate and you're female, feel free to contact me. If you can relate and you're male, stay away from my sister!!!
HAPPY F*CKIN'HOLIDAYS!!!
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Playing catch-up
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Posted:Nov 16, 2009 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2010 4:50 pm
29876 Views
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Since I have some new blogwatchers, I've been trying to give them a taste of previous sexual adventures while finding time to write up new ones, so here's another previous post:
First time at a sex club
Newbies, let me know what you think!
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Ecdysiasm, anybody?
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Posted:Oct 24, 2009 7:24 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2014 4:17 am
31676 Views
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For those of you who aren't smugly overeducated  ecdysiasm is a ten-dollar word for stripteasing. I'm thinking about the subject because my blog buddy Twoferus just posted on HER blog that she had never been to a strip club and was asking for advice on where to go and what to do!!! Having read some of her exploits, I found this news to be somewhat unexpected but, having dated a few dancers in my day (and by that I mean strippers), I offered some strategies for her first excursion into gentlemen's clubs.
So my first question for all my female blog buddies: Have you ever wanted to visit a strip club? Why/why not?
My second one, obviously, is have you BEEN to a strip club and what was your experience like?
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"Missionary" vs...
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Posted:Oct 22, 2009 12:46 pm
Last Updated:Nov 8, 2009 6:27 pm
28910 Views
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As ludicrous as it is calling the man-on-top position "missionary" at least we have a name for it!
Can't we do better than "woman-on-top" for the female version of the position?
I propose calling it the "Matriarchial" position since the whole reason that missionaries made the natives they encountered change positions was because the women held the sexual power and the missionaries sought to undermine it. Usually by breeding with their women.
(Does that ever work?)
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Autumn???
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Posted:Oct 18, 2009 5:27 am
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2009 6:44 pm
29592 Views
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I don't know how the weather is by you but up here in the Northeast it's complete crap! The Yankee game listed the temp last night as 41 degrees!! That's not baseball weather!
This morning is misted over in a cold, clammy, steady drizzle that seeps into your tendons and ligaments so that everyone walks around like they're in a nursing home.
Whatever happened to Indian summer? Did that become another victim of PC artifice too?
At the very least, I would like a refund for June raining 26 out of 30 days last summer.
Hope you're all dry if you're cold, you're all warm if you're wet, and if you're warm, wet, and cozy, make some room for me! 
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Punks
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Posted:Oct 8, 2009 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2021 12:11 pm
31715 Views
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IS it me or are American teenagers currently the most obnoxious human beings on the earth? This morning I told one of the juniors to remove his hat in the hallway and he pretended not to hear me. I walked over to confront him and he says, "I know you didn't come over here just to tell me to take off my hat."
"I can take it away if I have to," I informed him.
"No, you can't."
"Yes, actually I can."
"Keep dreaming."
I took off my sport coat. Not to sound like Raymond Chandler, but having worked out all summer so that I can now bench-press 325 lbs. as of last night, my polo shirt now looks like it was painted on. Needless to say, the took off his hat.
Is it just me? Would you ever have DREAMED of shooting your mouth off to an adult when you were 16, much less a teacher?
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Fall is here...
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Posted:Oct 2, 2009 1:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2015 1:28 pm
31200 Views
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I know that I've been awol most of the summer but lots of things have come up, good and bad. The worst of it was that my grandmother died this past July, 2 months after my BD. I'm genuinely saddened in a way that I had never felt before. I realized that she wouldn't be around to see me get married or any of her great-grandchildren be born. It definitely shadowed most of my summer and I relate that to the weird funk I was in for most of August.
On the bright side, I accomplished a lot personally. Losing my gammer gave me a kick in the ass to accomplish some of the goals I've tossed lip service to in the past. So this summer I recorded about 15 of my songs, some of which I've printed lyrics to on this very blog, and copyrighted them so that this fall I can play them in public. I played my guitar like a fiend, saw lots of old friends and family that I hadn't seen in weeks, months, or years, saw Paul McCartney at CitiField for his final show, and went to Colonial Williamsburg with my gf for a week to remind myself what it takes to keep democracy going!
Finally, my personal trainer kicked my ass for 3 months straight and finally, twenty five years after I started working out, I actually bench pressed 300 lbs.!
The summer flew by but at least I enjoyed the ride for most of it.
Hope all of my blog buddies are doing well!
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Magic Garden
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Posted:Jul 16, 2009 3:46 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2012 4:31 am
29928 Views
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I posted this about a year ago and thought it was funny considering how much rain the Island got this year:
A beautiful, statuesque woman loved gardening and spent many pleasant hours in her yard tending to her bulbs and seeds. Despite her efforts, however, her tomatoes always seemed to die before ripening.
She noticed that her neighbor, a distinguished looking man of middle years and well means, often grew the most spectacularly red tomatoes every year in his garden. Out of curiosity, she asked him how he accomplished such a feat year after year.
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," he confessed. "But twice a day I garden in the nude and expose myself to the tomato garden and they turn bright red from embarassment!"
The beautiful woman considered this and decided, what the hell? She'd give it a try. So all through the spring she exposed herself to the tomatoes twice a day while gardening hoping for a sign of red, ripe tomatoes.
By the end of the growing season, her neighbor dropped by to check on her progress.
"How did you make out? Did the tomatoes get any redder?" he asked.
The beautiful woman sighed. "No, they haven't turned red or even ripe so far...
BUT-
my cucumbers are ENORMOUS!!!!"
(Just a quick reminder to always eat your vegetables!)
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Pushing Forty!!
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Posted:Jul 8, 2009 12:17 pm
Last Updated:Feb 9, 2012 1:17 pm
31659 Views
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Now that I've turned 39 (last Sunday for those keeping score) I've been ruminating on mortality and where my life is going. Luckily I ran across this on Flimflam66's blog:
George Carlin on aging!
IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're ? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Suround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!
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To link to this blog (Canice70) use [blog Canice70] in your messages.
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