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| Blogs > CuriousKitty675 > Variations on a Kat |
Angry, Frustrated, and Feeling Stupid!
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Angry, Frustrated, and Feeling Stupid! So... I'm still messing around with Mr. X. I don't understand him. AT ALL!!!! One minute he's right there. he's opened up to me and let me in and shows vulnerability. The next he's on higher lock-down than a Federal Prison during a riot. It hurts. Physically. You feel that ache in your chest and that queasy kinda sensation in the pit of your stomach and your eyes burn cause you don't want to cry. This is why I didn't want to let anyone in. Why I WASN'T looking for a relationship. Why I shut people out and never let them get close. I have enough stress in my life from day to day without this shit. Seriously. He has told me how beautiful I am and how much he loves my body and hair and everything about me. (Despite my own doubts to his sanity. I don't have low self esteem but damn.. I know I'm not society's perception of perfect either) His spontaneous emotions and<b> confessions </font></b>and reactions when we are together are genuine. He's revealed things to me that no one else in our circle of friends would ever dream of him thinking, let alone desiring. So... why the Houdini act? Why the sporadic times of pulling away and not wanting to be available and not wanting to do anything outside of the confines of our residences? I've about had it. Seriously. The sex is amazing.. great. (Not that I don't have certain things and styles I'd like us to do more of than just the primal, wild animal sex we usually have. But there's always room for improvement.) But, I'm tired of always being the one that is wanted only behind closed doors. I'm sick of being the booty call. All my life that is all I have really ever known. They always want me... they want how I make them feel. Their bodies react to mine in ways that surprise even them (I had one person in college tell me that it was so intense that it was better than doing drugs. Yeah... musicians... what do you expect.) And no.. this isn't bragging and honestly I don't think i'm some kind of sex Goddess either. I just do what feels right and comes naturally. But it's ALWAYS someone else that they chose to have on their arms in public. I'm a good person. I'm a very caring and nurturing person. When I give my heart to someone it's theirs and no one else's. I like doing those sweet, thoughtful things for people. I like encouraging them to be who they are and to have that time they need to hang with the boys and do their own thing. I don't smother. I don't control. I don't bitch and whine and moan. I don't manipulate. I don't complain. I don't get jealous for no reason. (Now yes if he was kissing some other girl and/or being groped by one then yeah.. I might feel spikes of jealousy. But not the irrational kind that comes out of nowhere.)I don't do any of those behaviors that drive most guys insane. So why is it that it's always those bitchy, high-maitenence, whiney ass bitches that always have someone and treat them like crap and I am alone? Is that what i have to be? What I have to become? Do i have to lower my personal standards for myself and become this horrid girlfriendzilla in order to have someone as my significant other? I don't know how to play this game. Not at all. Head games have never been my thing. I don't know what I should do. Sure the simple answer is.."Ask him point blank." I know. I know.... but then how do you overcome the fear of potentially losing your lover and your friend if point blank freaks him out? Or if he was feeling something and then you saying something freaks him out cause he thinks you are trying to move too fast? ARG!!!! Why is something that should be so damn simple so fucking complicated?!?!?!?! |
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And if he says - "Let's order in." ? Cause that's usually what we do. I just don't get how someone can be so open and giving and trusting then totally shut off. How someone can sit there and tell me that they have wanted me since the day we met. How they have fantasized and thought of me for so long and mention little details of things from the past and how they weren't sure if I was interested or not and so a friendship developed first and then become so with drawn? I asked him a simple thing last night... to come out with a group of us. (We work in a close knit environment so to keep things less complicated we keep it on the DL for now. Group functions are pretty much all we can do right now.) Well he declined and then was completely incommunicado the rest of the night. Sent a couple of texts with no reply. My mind says to not be paranoid and that I'm stupid there's a perfectly reasonable explination but my heart breaks cause it's certain he was with someone else. I'm at odds with myself even. I've tried to not let my feelings get involved. I've tried so hard to keep it on the level that it is. I've talked myself out of assuming anything. (I usually do.) But damn it somehow...some way, I've gone and done it and somehow my heart has gotten involved. I cried last night. It's hard for me to admit that. I rarely ever cry. I was raised that to cry was a sign of weakness and that you should never show weakness. But he made me cry. Made me want to curl up with a pint of Haagen Das and a box of tissues and listen to heartbreak songs. If this is love.... I'm not sure I want it. Not if it hurts this much.
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