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Excuses, explanations; but, the bitter truth and just like that bitter pill, hard to swallow.
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Excuses, explanations; but, the bitter truth and just like that bitter pill, hard to swallow. As with all things, looks can be deceiving. I stand before a mirror and I do not see what other people see. Now I am a shell, trying to rebuild after so much that was taken from me. We can never reclaim what we have lost and I have lost so much. Sometimes each day is a struggle, to put one foot in front of the other, to have the courage to try and move forward. Sometimes I cannot find it. More so now than ever before. I feel broken, adrift in a vast ocean. Why is it so hard to put one foot in front of the other? Why is it so hard to find a man that will stand and deliver and be honest and understand me when the fear is overwhelming and understand what it is about? Understand who I am. I need someone like me. Someone that can understand what it is like to be trapped. To make choices you are not comfortable with because you have been advised you should and in the process lose your hearts desire. The thing you want more than life. You would sell your soul for. There is a saying... "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson. I understand that and I would not have let myself fall in love, I did not want it. Ran from it, but it found me. How it did is unfathomable. How to recover? Is there recovery? Most likely not. After all, how long can you walk trying to put one foot in front of the other when you are not on stable ground before the inevitable happens? I was not looking for love. Just a regular sex partner. Funny how at times things happen when you least expect them. I get that and every time I think that is what they all say; but seldom mean. I did not expect it. I did not want it, but was powerless to stop it and powerless to walk away from it. In the end it is just like everything else. It destroys all of you. It will take all that you have. All that you are. How can it happen when there was never a touch exchanged? Like always; the carrot was dangled. The words were spoken. The ones that spoke to the deepest part of my soul. I just pray if there is another life after this; it is kinder, gentler but with clearer definitions for me. I will not find what I need. I need someone like me. Honest, open, giving, trusting, too trusting. It has been my greatest downfall. I came from a time when your word was all you had. It was how the world judged you. It does not exist anymore. No honor among thieves. That is more the way of it these days. I am leaving my profile up and active, but now it has to change. Those that have my number know how to contact me; but do not expect any answers. I have none to give anymore. I am stuck in a Pandoras Box. One that I created by denying myself and I realize now, I will live in it forever if I do nothing. ~ V 💋 |
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It is very hard to put one foot in front of the other because you right now have a fear of falling. Once you are ready to fly with out a net you will be full and free again. You may do it on your own or with the help of a friend. Do not give up. What you desire is worth the work you need to do. I just wish I lived near you to show you there are some good men out there.
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8/29/2021 9:05 pm |
Definitely without a net or a life line now. Flying by the seat of my panties if I ever wore them.. It is not by choice but necessity. If this is what it takes, then so be it. I am way beyond my comfort zone again with no viable options available. Hopefully the goal is quickly attained and I can right myself and continue the solitary journey to its completion. Thank you for being an encouraging voice in this wilderness. ~ V 💋
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I know where you are coming from and share the same experience . I decided to just not look anymore. No matter how honest I am or truthful you are I think men look for women who are the opposite. I am accustomed to rejection after another kinda immune to it that I know it is always coming . Hold ur head up a good man is out there for you. Stay positive .
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Well we all in some way lose part of ourselves to every lover we let in to our lives,some change us for the better but some lean on our fragility and vulnerabilities and we take the hit mentally,though i not had any that were physically abusive thank god,but sometimes when i fall head over heels in love and think i get it in return,when in reality they just using the fact i more in love with them than they are,i think i should get use to having a broken heart,always picking the fun but bad boys,always have,most likely too old to change
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There's a lot of people out there and on this site who will chime with your words: "I will not find what I need. I need someone like me. Honest, open, giving, trusting, too trusting." Take care.
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9/5/2021 12:51 am |
There will always be someone out there that will "chime" with our words. The ones we keep are the ones that resonate in our souls. ~ V 💋
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