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Wanna Fuck?
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Wanna Fuck? "Wanna Fuck?" Or, the dick pic of written introduction messages. I'm not sure when this phrase or it's numerous variations became so prevalent in the autocomplete texting application (blame Steve Jobs?) of the ever increasing number of guys that throw it out to every female they come across on sites like this one; but, as the first entry of my future blog entitled, "Stop it you Idiot; just stop....Sound advice from one self-saboteur to another" (too wordy?), let me just say delete that shit from your phone's dictionary and never, ever start with that phrase when introducing yourself to someone you have never spoken with and have zero rapport with. Basically, if you can't say it to a total stranger you walked up to at a bar without immediately ducking like Mohammad Ali fighting George Foreman, don't use it just because you get to hide behind the anonymity of the interwebs. I know what some of y'all are thinking, "but, wise, albeit completely unknown and unread blogging guy, I would totally say it to some chick in the bar". Ok, first, I won't even address the use of the term "chick", I'll leave that to the women's studies majors; but, secondly, I don't care if you're Keanu fucking Reeves, you're not getting away with that phrase 99.9% of the time. Okay, maybe if you're Keanu and you're walking around with that you just killed an entire crime syndicate to get back, you're all shot up, the is hurt, but you know he'll be okay, and you're crying over the little pooch and some random woman (noticed I said woman and not chick imaginary misogynistic guy I made up for this post) comes up and you look up with a single tear running down your cheek and a slight sniffle, you look dead in her eyes and say, "Wanna fuck?" Okay, then, maybe, and only maybe do you have a greater than zero percent chance of that line working and yet there's still a chance of her finishing the job that a dozen highly trained assassins not working together but coming at you successively, they always come successively, it's like when batman and robin, you know the old 60's Adam West version would get surrounded by the villain's henchmen but they'd only fight like one at a time because even Keanu can't take on a couple dozen trained killers moving in all at the same time. Where was I? Oh, right. There's still a chance that that girl decides to finish the job those assassins started by kicking you in the balls, stabbing you in the throat with the stiletto heals she's been holding the entire night (because they're only designed to walk the ten yards into the bar), taking your and going home, hiding said canine from her landlord because, of course, she leases and signed a no pet clause; but, eventually, landlord, who's always been a little handsy and leers a bit too much, finds out about rescue pup and offers a special deal to this sweet, albeit murderous, lady so she can keep her apartment and, since she just came from the gym, where the elliptical is still broken, for chirssake fix the damn elliptical, she's wearing tennis shoes and not carrying<b> stilettos </font></b>so she can't very well kill the landlord and, if this was the erotic stories section, maybe she finds some way to "compromise" but it's not, she just packs her shit and leaves. So, in conclusion, every time you use the phrase, "wanna fuck" as an introduction, a puppy loses its Keanu Reeves and a poor, albeit murderous, girl gets evicted from her home. So, for the sake of freed hostage puppies and women with shitty leases and not too sensible shoes, stop it, you idiot; just stop. |
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