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Sex guide for idiots...
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Sex guide for idiots... Sex guide for idiots... 1.. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea. 2..There is no need for dice in role playing. 3.. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway. 4.. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start. 5.. If she says she's into "bondage", don't show her your financial portfolio. 6.. You can lie down during a one-night stand. 7.. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking. 8.. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth. 9.. Sex is like "The Club" - accept no substitutes. Joke Pissing Vodka A Russian strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle." Joke Sean And Kylie Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet." Joke The brothel makes us strong A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." Little Johnnie This is a story about Johnnie's day at school....Johnnie's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard." Johnnie raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I know it's a red rubber ball." The teacher said, "No Johnnie, it's an apple, but I like the way that you think." Next the teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. "I have something behind my back. It's orange in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard," said Johnnie's teacher. Johnnie raised his hand again and said, "Teacher, teacher, I know it's an orange rubber ball." The teacher looked at Johnnie and said, "No Johnnie, it's an orange, but I like the way that you think." Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and put it behind his back and said, "I have something behind my back. It's pink in color and it's LONG. It's soft, but it's HARD." The teacher, getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, "Now Johnnie, I'm going to have to tell the principal about this perverted behavior." Johnnie stopped her and said, "But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way that you THINK!!!" Joke: Golf On The Sly A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" Joke: Who Is Better These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better." The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better." Joke: Not Long Enough A girl was helping her boyfriend set up his PC and he wanted to log in with a password. Now, you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis". His girlfriend nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied...: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. Joke: New In Town A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?" The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation. Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars. The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars. "Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?" The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed." Little Birdie One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest." Covering Shoe A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far." You Know You Are Having a Bad Day When... - You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. - Your twin sister forgets your birthday. - Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. - You put both contacts in the same eye. - You awake naked, then go to put on the same clothes you wore home from the company Christmas party the night before, but when you search at the foot of your bad and all around the bedroom floor you don't find any clothes. - You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city. - You walk to work and later discover that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. - You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business who called. - Your blind date turns out to be your ex. - You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. And the Surest Sign You Are Having a Bad Day... - You wake up to realize your waterbed has burst... but then recall that you've never owned a waterbed. Getting old "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." little Johnny joke One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?” Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. “Very good Sally,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?” Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. “Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.” Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard.” Little Johnny's neighbor has just had a little boy. The only problem is that the baby doesn't have any ears. Everyone who comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it's looks, but no one mentions the fact that it doesn't have any ears. Suddenly, she sees Little Johnny coming over from next door. She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is going to make fun of the baby. When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything without mentioning its' ears. Without warning, he says," he has beautiful eyes, does he have 20/20 vision?" So she thanks him and asks why. "Well, it's a damn good thing because if he didn't, he wouldn't have damn thing to hang his glasses on now would he?!" One Liners Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns both sheep and goats. A. Bisexual. Q: What do you call a cross between Steve Tyler and a cat? A: A pussy with big lips Women's Vocabulary... Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow". Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome". Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing". Redneck Hunters A couple of rednecks are hunting out in the woods when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He don't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator... "Christ almight, Bubba's dead! What the heck can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Sir, just take it easy. I can help you ... First, lets make sure he's dead." The 911 operator hears a few moments of silence, then suddenly hears a shot. Jim-Bob's voice comes back on the line. "OK, he's dead all right. Now what?" Nothing Happened A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home: "So, has anything happened while I've been away?" "No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning." "Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time." "Well, sir, come to think of it, your died." "My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?" "The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat." "The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lieing around for the to eat?" "Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down." "Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?" "It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir." "The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?" "Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle." "Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?" "They were there for the wake, sir." "The wake?!? Whose wake?" "Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly." "Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my is dead. What did Mother die of?" "It must have been the shock, sir." "The shock." "Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir." Woman's Little Instruction Book 1. .Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself variety. 2.. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten sick of him. 3.. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of marriage. 4.. Always take disappointments like a man -- blame them on a woman. 5.. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things, too. 6.. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. 7.. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high. 8.. Men are like buses -- they never appear when you want them to and when they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit. 9.. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway. 10.. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is unquestionably gay. 11.. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck. Just divorce him. 12.. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. 13.. Husbands are like -- they're okay as long as they're someone else's. 14.. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. 15.. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is pure insanity. 16.. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night". 17.. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the shower to pee. 18.. Whenever you<b> meet a man </font></b>who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is. 19.. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman. 20.. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them. 21.. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive, and potentially violent -- but they make great pets. 22.. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man. 23.. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men -- "don't" and "stop" -- unless, of course, they're said together. 24.. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones. 25.. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony. . Cyber Relationship Break Up Letter Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action: _____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it. _____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings. _____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation. _____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest: · __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man. · __ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman. · __ You typed your own name at the end. · __ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel. · __ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me. · __ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy. · __ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record. · __ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges. · __ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer. · __ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer. · __ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think. · ___ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating. · ___ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole. · ___ I am entering the witness protection program. Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten of a bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart. Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney, __ Sincerely, __ Gleefully, __ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out," __ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs, __ Good riddance, [Name or alias] Arkansas Etiquette Some Arkansas etiquette tips... My apologies to friends from Texas, North Carolina, West Virginia, and other parts of the country who may feel left out. PERSONAL HYGIENE While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DINING OUT When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested "I've been wanting to go out with you since........ Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1000 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back soft drinks and a candy bar. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. |
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