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Joke Title: Redneck in college
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Joke Title: Redneck in college Joke #4081. Title: Redneck in college A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?" "You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!" ******************************************************************************* Joke #1324. Title: What to do if someone starts to choke A woman starts to choke in a restaurant. It's evident that she has food stuck in her throat, she can't breathe, and she's turning blue. A waiter quickly stands her up, pulls down her slacks, and takes an enormous swipe with his tongue right across her bare bottom. This miraculously clears her throat and her life is saved. She said to the waiter, "Thank you! How did you know that would be of such immediate help to me?" And he replied, "That good old heinie-lick maneuver works every time." ******************************************************************************* Joke #2067. Title: Signs You're A Work-A-Holic * Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. * Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. * Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. * You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. * * You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. * Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. * You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow. * You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. * You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually "dine" standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.) * Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. * Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. * You lecture the neighborhood selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. * You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. * You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. * You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. * You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. * You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. * You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. * You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. * You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. * You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. ******************************************************************************* Joke #2454. Title: Blonde in court At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you ?" "Yes." whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax ?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no." she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas." ******************************************************************************* Joke #3668. Title: 25 stress reducing thoughts 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies acculumlate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 25. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize that it's a "do-it-yourself" thing. ******************************************************************************* Joke #2234. Title: Body parts turning blue Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001 From: Bill Stebbins A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my testicles has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other testicle has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor. "But ... how do I pee?" "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient, VERY carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think it might be the jeans ..." ******************************************************************************* Blind date Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy." ******************************************************************************* The rodeo position Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I've ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' " "Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds." ******************************************************************************* No Wool Downstairs A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a 's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?" ******************************************************************************* Texas BJ Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!" ******************************************************************************* 101 Things Not To Say 1.But everybody looks funny naked! 2.You woke me up for that? 3.Did I mention the video camera? 4.Do you smell something burning? 5.(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6.Try breathing through your nose. 7.A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8.Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9.Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10.But<b> whipped cream </font></b>makes me break out. 11.Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today. 12.Hurry up! This room rents by the hour! 13.Can you please pass me the remote control? 14.Do you accept Visa? 15.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16.On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17.And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18.So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19.(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20.Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21.(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22.Do you get any premium movie channels? 23.Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24.(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25.Got any penicillin? 26.But I just brushed my teeth... 27.Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28.I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29.I want a baby! 30.So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31.(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32.Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33.Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34.I think you have it on backwards. 35.When is this supposed to feel good? 36.Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37.You're good enough to do this for a living! 38.Is that blood on the headboard? 39.Did I remember to take my pill? 40.Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41.I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42.That leak better be from the waterbed! 43.I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44.But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45.Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46.If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 47.No, really... I do this part better myself! 48.It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49.This would be more fun with a few more people. 50.You're almost as good as my ex! 51.Do you know the definition of statutory ? 52.Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53.You look younger than you feel. 54.Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55.You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56.They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57.Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58.Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59.You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60.What tampon? 61.Have you ever considered liposuction? 62.And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63.What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64.I have a confession... 65.I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66.Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67.Were you by any chance repressed as a ? 68.Is that a hanging sculpture? 69.You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70.Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71.I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72.Did you come yet, dear? 73.I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74.A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75.Does this count as a date? 76.Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77.Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78.I think biting is romantic -- don't you? 79.You can cook, too right? 80.When would you like to meet my parents? 81.Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82.Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''? 83.Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84.Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85.(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86.I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87.Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88.Sorry but I don't do toes! 89.You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90.Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91.Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92.I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''. 93.So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94.My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95.Is this a sin too? 96.I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97.Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98.Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99.Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100.How long do you plan to be ''almost there''? 101.You mean you're NOT my blind date? *******************************************************************************  |
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