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My apologies beforehand
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My apologies beforehand I feel myself heading into a dangerous slide of self sabotage. All of these memories and pictures pop up of things I was doing on this day over the years and I see these pictures of happy fun things and me smiling and the memories are so strong that it makes my current state so much darker by comparison. I feel lonely in my bed at night. Even when I can feel your body beside me. I have started getting accustom to doing things on my own again and I hate it. I don’t know what I did wrong to turn you away from me or kill your desire for me but I wish I could take it back. The fact that I still lust for you and crave your affection is a cosmic joke that mocks my body as I pleasure myself every night so that I am not tempted to beg at your feet. I don’t want to seek attention from other men but the need for validation that I am something worth desiring is hard turn away from.  |
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First, no apologies necessary. It is the inertia in relationships that drags us into turbulent waters, even when instincts urge us to find a new, safer harbor. Because self-loathing exerts such power, rather than acknowledging the human factors that lie behind our anguish, we internalize our resentments. That you acknowledge and confront the demons tormenting you is sufficient *validation*. Your response should be to commit to being kinder to yourself (even if it means being less kinder to others) and to build more trust in yourself. From that foundation you will find a path to resolving the conflicted connection with your partner (even if it means going your own way) in a way that does not cause such inner turmoil.
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No apologies necessary as you are going through a basic human emotion. We all need touch, we all need connections. I have very similar thoughts and the longer it lasts , the stronger the thoughts are. You need no other person for validation, as that comes from within. FInd yourself, find peace within yourself and that very fact will draw others to you. It all takes time.....time to process and just BE ~~
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11/16/2019 1:15 am |
wow.so open and honest...wish i could say same to my friend that i miss.
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You put it out in the universe
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11/16/2019 1:42 am |
Nice☺
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11/16/2019 2:07 am |
if you can not find value in the greatness within you what do you have to give a lover? there is a world of difference between insanity and stupidity
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I think there are cycles to things.... sometimes things get in the way between people. Ive experienced this, lots have. All states are temporary, even the happiness you mention from before. Those are fleeting things, what you are feeling now, too, is a temporary state. I know, it doesn't make it any less real. its tough. all I have is my own experience.  Sometimes its up to us to shake up the paradigm. I dunno… what do I know. Just felt like I should respond. Things aren't easy, lots of thought needs to go into what actions we take.... writing helps sort things out I think. You are doing that, which is great.
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12/14/2019 6:56 pm |
Learn to love yourself first. You are beautiful no matter what people say. Validate yourself in the mirror each day and take it day by day! You can do it!
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1/13/2020 11:33 am |
There is nothing wrong with wanting attention and compliments from the opposite sex, especially when you are not receiving any in your current relationship.
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