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Some times life throws a wrench in what we thought was out path, only to find out in time that it was the right path that guided you to even more happiness. Smile, Hold Your Head High And Blaze Into The Great Unknown Future, You Got This. 
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Sorry to read ... Your pain is clearly still so raw. If I had to guess, I would say he was playing on your feelings and hoping you would stay ex's with benefits. Keep your eyes forward pretty lady ... Take time and grieve your loss then pick your next path. Do you have any Primal Urges ... I do, please CUMHANDLEME and explore some of my naughty and nice Primal ... Urges with me !!!
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You just keep playing the same recording over and over and over, "I love him, I know he loves me"...... on and on and on..... You need to quit that!! The marriage is all done. Over. Finished. Done! Twelve years ago , you got swept off your feet and did a stupid thing, ...you married a shady character soon to turn 60..... and there you were at 42. He shares 50 percent of the stupidity here, he married a younger woman, whom he should have been just content to play with..... not marry. Anyway, in your "Journaling".... stop saying you love him.... and stop telling yourself he loves you. Just let it all go.
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And delete your stash of sex pictures with him...... that's not doing you any good either.
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Time to walk away, no looking back. Don't let the past control your future.
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The sun comes up tomorow! Never look back! Love yourself and things will get brighter!! Hugs! 
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Hello you are a wonderful woman elegant attractiv and super sexy all you want as a friend i also you are here the queen 1000 kisses
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Love hurts...ain’t no doubt about it
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