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| Blogs > Mikey0419 > Clever/unique title goes here |
What is was like, what it's like now
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What is was like, what it's like now I have not been on this site in quite a while. I'll refrain from delineating some vapid, drawn out story about what I have been up to in the meantime. Instead, I'll write in some obfuscated way about how grateful I am that my life has unfolded the way it has. In the past I have endured failure, embarrassment shame, and what can only be referred to as feeling like I don't belong. It's as if everyone else got the memo on how to live life and I missed out. I've paid for this with the various manifestations of self: selfishness, insecurity, fear, anxiety, etc. And I would not change a moment of what I have been through. My life now is really amazing. I'm in grad school, I have been throwing myself into fight training (boxing mostly), have been reading almost a book per week (The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings, The Power of Habit, Zealot and Chasing the Scream, to name a few), I<b> workout </font></b>regularly, I have an awesome family and close friends ... I feel - for lack of a better word - blessed. Several years ago I attempted suicide; not successfully, of course, but it was a concerted effort to end my own life (booze and pills) and I did not expect to wake up in the morning. No good bye letter, no phone calls. I did not tell a soul. I remember being steeped in the absolute nadir of depression and could not imagine a way out. So I created one, ostensibly. I remember thinking I would feel relief that it was finally coming to an end and instead was met with sadness: how did I get to this point? Why has it come to this? Waking up from that incident, I had this insatiable desire to fight back against my depressive moods and seek what I believed to be a better life. It was not easy (it was never easy). The only way I can describe what it felt like was accepting that there has got to be something better out there. I didn't know what it was or where to find it. I never had a mentor growing up; someone who could guide me; someone I could emulate. This created a lot of frustration for me. An identity crafted in contrast to everything I believed to be true about myself was precarious as best. And I failed. A lot. That was a long time ago. Today I cannot imagine not being alive. The biggest lesson I have learned is to reach out to others and to avoid isolating. When I isolate, I have only my opinions and my imagination to contend with. It is always best to seek the counsel of others which I avoided doing so for far too long. It's not about 'me', it's about 'we'. And that is something I am indescribably grateful for today. What were your defining moments? What have you figured out this far? |
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