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Detachable Penis
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Detachable Penis Hey y'all! This is my first attempt at blogging and it won't be as good as what you are accustomed to reading here because Jess is the prolific member of our team with a passion for narratives and the ability to paint a pretty picture with the written word. I'm the brash loud mouth trucker who doesn't care if you think I'm an idiot for letting paint my face with indelible markers or pouring kool-aid over my head. It's fun for me, it's fun for the , and if it makes you cringe then KMA before you GTFO, you f'ing douche pickle. My mom asked me once "Are you ever gonna grow up?" To which I replied, "Heck no! If I ever grow up, I'm gonna grow old." Besides, I just love getting your jacked up on candy and mud pie fights at your house. AND THEN I LEAVE!! SUCKER! And I love bringing any present that has flashing lights, sirens, or tubes of paint. My relatives like it when I visit but they love it when I leave. Hmm... I see that I have digressed so let's get back on track. My penis would like to say a few words. ---------------------------------------------------- I am Joey's penis but I really don't like to be called that. It sounds so clinical. My name is Freddy Fender Bender but most of the women I have known seem to enjoy calling me "Oh, god". Yeah, I know it sounds cocky but ... I am a cock. Anyway, I've been with this<b> prick </font></b>for almost 52 years now and I love the guy, but I hate his sorry ass too. We have a lot of fun when he has a lady in his life but he usually fucks it up and after a couple of days he beats me like I owe him money or something. Really, dude? I'm just doing my damn job here. Joe thinks he's a smart guy but he's really a dumbass. For instance, he doesn't like cops so he used to love diddling their wives and this stupid mofo thought it was a good idea to take one back to her house so we could bang her. I would have stopped him from approaching her at the bar but hellooo, I'm his third leg so walking isn't exactly my thing. So, Dipshit takes this cutie home, sees cop pictures on the mantle, and still thinks it's cool to screw this cop's wife on his bed, in his house while he's at work. Great plan, jackass. Let's see. Bedroom -2nd floor. Cop - comes home early. Two escape routes - high bedroom window or down the stairs that an armed husband is coming up. See where this is going? So... Here's the surgery scars from his airborne endeavor:   We turned 21 on the operating table and spent a month in the hospital with no cooter. Even worse was the fact that we had to sleep with three other soldiers the whole time and damn, they farted 24/7. It wasn't all bad though. Miss USA 1985 visited us and Mister Genius fiddled with me from time to time, but at least he couldn't beat me like a Salvation Army drum in front of the boys. We did have a scare after surgery and I thought it would knock some sense into him but Joey never was known to heed warning signs. I remember it like it was yesterday. They came in early and doped us up on valium. Then had Joey sign a - get this - "Death Release Form! ... while medicated. Now a spinal block is supposed to numb everything but that damn needle in my back felt like someone was pulling a glass dust laden, king sized sheet out of the bunghole and Joey still woke up mid-surgery in pain from the femoral tourniquet so ended up being anesthetized anyway. We woke up in recovery, answered a couple of questions, then back to our 4 man hospital room. Dipshit wakes up two hours later and wraps his dirty dick skinner around me, but guess what? I'm still numb from the spinal! No one told us that was normal. In that waking moment we thought a medical mishap had occurred and I was paralyzed for life. We freaked out, bitches!!! Joey throws the blanket off and whips me like a red headed stepchild but to no avail. The other guys are bitching at him to stop, he's ringing the nurse and screaming "My dick is dead!" and contemplating suicide. Nurse Brown was a black woman who was like trucker toilet paper. She don't take shit off anybody. She rumbles into our room and sees him jacking me like a Cadillac with four flat tires. He's crying, the guys are screaming at him and Nurse Brown says "Put your goddammed dick away. The feeling will return." as she walked out. And after two more hours of manhandling me we achieved an erection. Joey rang nurse Brown again immediately. "What now, motherfucker?" to which he replied "It's alright Shirley. I've got a boner." So, disaster averted. Lesson learned? Nope! Dumbass deploys to Germany and gets knocked the fuck out by an MP at the club for screwing his wife. Joey got fucked up like a lab rat! He has had two wives, a myriad of girlfriends, and no relationship of substance until he met Jess. And thank God for her. I thought Joe would have gotten us killed by now but we have been lucky. Jess makes him happy and, to my surprise, he's settling down nicely. Maybe, just maybe, he won't get shot, stabbed, or worse... A detachable penis. Later, bitches! Freddy Fender Bender Esquire ...\8 PS: I may tell yall more junk about Joey from time to time. Maybe. Ciao! |
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And you know this ... man! I plagiarized this too. Ah, but where? Lol
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Nah, Shirley was a straight up bruiser who said it once and then fucked you up if there was a problem. The only extra energy she expended was on the ass whoopings she handed out. I remember the day me and the boys had a water balloon fight using syringes as guns and surgical gloves as water balloon grenades. The water flooded our room and ran out our door into the hallway. Shirley charged in and cussed us out. Shirley yelled "I'm coming back in an hour and this shit better be cleaned up!" before she turned to walk out. All four of us shot her in the back with loaded syringes. She got to me first and twisted the hell out of the big toe on my broken foot. It hurt so bad I couldn't even enjoy watching her hurt the other guys.
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Well well Attorney Bender, looks like Senior Sizzle has a blogging power couple. This post is brilliant. Trucker toilet paper?! What a fucking scandal. I love your writing style and am happy Joey is still firmly attached. Just don't beat up on him too much. I hope you post again soon, I need the laugh. My fav. part? The ode to Jess at the end. Warmed my heart. She's a pretty spectacular woman. xoxo My favorite part is the same as yours, darlin!
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Well well Attorney Bender, looks like Senior Sizzle has a blogging power couple. This post is brilliant. Trucker toilet paper?! What a fucking scandal. I love your writing style and am happy Joey is still firmly attached. Just don't beat up on him too much. I hope you post again soon, I need the laugh. My fav. part? The ode to Jess at the end. Warmed my heart. She's a pretty spectacular woman. xoxo Please read my blog The Sapiophiles Sapiogurl
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A talking cock- well I have read it all now. Gotta admit it made me laugh, which might not have been your intention (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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I like Jess' prose better, I'm just speaking the truth. But, yours isn't half bad either.  I was an army wife for many years, I "get it". Happy Wednesday Live life to it's fullest! If you're bored, Read Hugs Gypsy
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happym;
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