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the severiity of what happened to me in January has made me realise I have never been secure in my life & I have been so shut off from the world & people I wouldnt recognise a smile if I saw one only my doctor & the police constable with jolly smile other than that i really do not know anyone to trust or who to trust I was so vulnerable that him making me lick his arse I thought he was kind to me me spending seasonal finances on him I thought i was doing the right thing I didnt buy myself anything for my birthday on christmas day I was 41 ~ I really thought him being English & me being a fairy from England the mutual respect was there ~ I didnt realised he thought I was that undesirable that he treated me that way ~ thats why I have issues I have to keep myself safe its hard for vulnerable people we trust you because at that moment your our point of contact ~ the guy who took my virginity aged 15 ~ blood down my leg ~ im still sick now ~ the more I get to know myself as a lady now aged 41 ~ personally I would have made a nice virgin lady for a really Great man instead up being a corrupted soul ~ the sad thing is im aware my most beautiful days have gone unseen unexplored not witnessed by anyone ~ x I have a beautiful home ~ but every man in the whole of Britain is scared of one black woman who has real negroid hair who quite deliberately lived a very cool & enchanting life ~ xx its a shame if i put a wig on ~ men would find me attractive ~ if i fake my beauty I get more respect ~ hard for me to fathom  |
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if i wore a wig ~ you all would find me more attractive bleach my skin for you shave my hair for you wear a black dress for you sing a dance for you cut my sanity into pieces for you ~
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weak as I am ~ im still too much for you
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my Proud face ~ im sorry i wanted to have sex ~ I forget thats only for other ladies im such a disgusting wretch how dare I the self cHarm I wish to put on myself is unreal
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your not allowed to talk to me
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your not allowed to smile at me or talk to me
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I dont even get dressed anymore I just sit naked now
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im just sorry for not being lovely enough for men like him thats sad im not good enough apparently my hair defies gravity & apparently the rest of the woman in Britain will be jealous in my life is happy those who know or know of me cause me suffering all the time I wish I coul;d be away from all those people I never wanted that vibe to follow me into 2019 I did try to be happy this year I didnt realise I was not good enough my money was good enough all those nights on the breadline to make him happy ~ this is breaking my own heart ~ I have come to the conclusion ~ no man actually wants me to fancy them ~ shame im too UGLY not -ight enough I dont go out ~ I dont go out at all only to the hospital & back if i choose too I may go to a festival this year Equinox festival its hard going out as I make the effort but I end up witha fate worse than carries at the end of the night ~
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im just insecure ~ im sick with it ~ I had so much lovely to give ~ really alot when people wee or piss on your head so often ~ part of me doesnt want to feel like piss or smell like someones piss ~ really I just tried to keep my self sanctified clean ready for the Great master of the land I have lost the will to defend the integrity I have always had my path I once went to a nice town in England ~ x so sweet there was this cute pub where King Henry & Queen Catherine used to visit my London heart & faith ~ xx fine wine for 1 please ~ x enbrace the herstory ~ of fate
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for the past 4/5 years I have pretending to be fine ~ I never knew I was being used althought maybe I failed to overstand because I was blinded by the fact he was English & he could never be so rude i hide from the world I have severe people anxiety ~ years being bullied by others ~ I jaut hold on ~ Maybe Mr Cool is his Rule may take me out oneday ~ x just a friend
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~sacred light across the universe ~
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