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Compersion (by Xac)
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Compersion (by Xac) ** SINGLE/POLY BI FEMALES AND COUPLES SEEKING THEM SHOULD COME CHECK OUT UnicornHaven** PolyOz (one of the larger resources we've found for the polyamory community) defines compersion as "the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship; sometimes it is called the opposite or flip side of jealousy, although it can coexist with jealousy." I know there are a few places where we've already written about our growing disdain for the swing/swap portion of "the lifestyle" and how we had both quenched our slut thirsts long before we ever met or started swinging. We've also mentioned that we greatly prefer hooking up with people that we feel some sort of emotional or intellectual bond with over hooking up with strangers. However, we've maintained all along that at best we are only "partially polyamorous" - or as I now prefer to call it, poly-adjacent, lol. However, the more that we've thrown around the P word at all, the more I've felt compelled to do more research into the polyamorous side of the lifestyle, because Xin and I have both lived in fear of it since the minute we first started doing any of this. You should always face your fears, so we figured the first step should be to identify what that fear is for each of us. That part was actually pretty easy, because it is the same thing for both of us. Some early life lessons (or should I say mis-lessons? dis-lessons? un-lessons?) may have left us both a little less emotionally secure than some others might be, so for each of us the notion that anyone would bother to choose the hot mess that is us for their lifetime partner has always been rather absurd. Yet, sometimes the Universe just hands a person sign after sign and makes everything so crystal clear that he/she has found "the one" that we each found ourselves not only willing to admit it to ourselves, but also willing to admit it to each other. We were soul mates (a word that makes Xin almost choke to this day, lol), and chokable or not, it was absolutely true. Maybe one day I'll put the story of how she and I met up here somewhere one day for the Senior Sizzle world to see, but we've seriously shared it with so many people that to some it might make us more easily identifiable than even some of the partial face pics set aside for our non-friends here on Senior Sizzle. For now, if you are already our friend and you are curious, just message us and we'll be more than glad to share it. Anyways, let me back to the point from a moment ago. We were both terrified of the notion that somehow the other might desire to turn "the one" into "the two", or "the three", and that this would immediately diminish our connection to the other. To be quite honest, our initial experiences with swinging/swapping did kind of have the expected effect upon one or both of us. Now I realize that the reason for this was that we kept ending up with couples where one or both of them had already grown bored (or perhaps was never excited by) their sex life, and they ended up not being very happily married but we wouldn't figure that out until later. This is definitely not us. We may not be awesome at a whole lot of things, and when it comes to sex, we don't want to toot our own horn, but  As such, what one or both members of these couples was trying to do was have some sort of intense sexual bonding moment with a person who wasn't their spouse, and that's just not what we were looking for at all (unless it was between Xin and another woman). For people seeking this type of thing through swinging, we are apparently like catnip at a club because we only know how to dance one way - REALLY FUCKIN DIRTY. happyf; happym; >>! Apparently, this showcases some of our um... hidden talents?The only way to prevent this issue was to take out the fourth person. It wasn't always the guy (okay, it was usually the guy), but whomever the fourth was, they almost always fucked thing up by just making it feel wrong somehow. The reason we know that the issue isn't just that being with another couple inherently makes us feel poorly is that we do have one "Goldilocks couple" that we still play with from time to time, because WOW, do they do it "just right". Especially after our first threesome (which was MFM and has been blogged about elsewhere) went so poorly, however, Xin was terrified of having a similar experience with MFF. (Summarized, I decided we should try it as her first foray into "the lifestyle" because she wasn't yet comfortable with her bisexuality. In the end I got my feelings hurt because I didn't do a good job of explaining my boundaries, and all three of us left feeling wrong and none of us was trying to hurt anyone else or being inconsiderate of another's feelings.) As it became overwhelmingly clear to Xin that she was bisexual and she began having a few more experiences with women, she decided that the difference between the MFF and the MFM scenario is that there isn't any physical connection between me and another straight guy to build from in an MFM. In other words, a smart straight guy will correct anyone who proposes MMF instead of MFM, because the difference is entirely in the middle, lol. Because of the fact that in an MFF scenario, either she would be in the middle and there would be no problem - let's face it, if you find yourself sandwiched between the one you love and anyone else you find attractive, you pretty much chalk it up as a good day unless one of the other two has a complaint - or the unicorn would be in the middle, in which case we'd be literally sharing an experience (in the form of her body, lol). We decided that this seemed exciting enough and we were definitely strong enough to give this a shot, but I could see that Xin remained a bit wary of letting another hen into her henhouse (farm terminology... unexpected - my brain is a weird place sometimes). I suspected that this would all change once she had her first experience of compersion (THERE's that word again! Were you starting to wonder what the hell this post had to do with its title? Lol), but I wouldn't know for sure until our first experience with a unicorn. Sadly, we had a number of experiences with other couples before finding our unicorn. A number of these experiences left me a little damaged by the lifestyle. If it weren't for the fact that I am the unhealthiest kind of masochist and a strong believer in deserved karma, we probably would have stopped, but instead I insisted, against Xin's protest, that we continue so that she could still have experiences with other women. Instead, as a result of these experiences, we decided to use our Goldilocks couple to reverse-engineer (OMG, I freely admit to being a huge nerd right now) a very strict set of boundaries and protocols for couples that want to play with us. Literally, what did or would J & R do in that situation? We haven't really played or gotten serious with any couples since doing this... but our friends the Coyotes have a standing invitation  After longer than we like to admit in our search, we finally found a unicorn who seemed like a great fit for us (and one day, I promise to finish the blog entry about our first meeting with her, lol), so we decided to meet at our local club. Skipping over everything that is or will be covered in the story in our blog, we reached a point in our final scenario where we had this gorgeous woman sandwiched between us being gratified by a sea of hands and mouths, and she let out a rather large orgasm. At this moment, I decided to take a look over at Xin to see how things were registering for her at that moment. I didn't realize it, but the huge smile on her face told me she had been watching me for several seconds once our unicorn friend had started to get "extra squirmy", and she was in total approval, even seeming pretty aroused by it. I later on asked her what was going on with that smile, and my wife, who is basically a man with a vagina in terms of how she chooses to emotionally represent herself to the world, got a little teary-eyed and said, "Don't you think I've noticed the effect that some of these situations have had on you? It's like I've watched your self-worth and self-confidence slowly slipping away, and there's been nothing I could do to bring it back. In under an hour I just watched you return to being you. I haven't seen that guy in a little while, and he is really freakin hot!" She was right. After a number of bad experiences spaced too close together, I had felt my mojo slipping away, and I had been slowly becoming more terrified that I wouldn't be getting it back. In an instant I had bounced back to my former self. We walked out of the back room at the club, and as we rounded the corner into the main room, I was met with tons of eyes from people who had been keeping an early eye on our unicorn adventures at the bar and had stayed closer to the back end of the room to see and hear how things went from there. These eyes belonged to a bunch of men that really wished that they could have been me for that evening and a bunch of women who wanted to know if we had room for a fourth. I'm tempted to say Mr. Mojo Risin', but I'm afraid that some of our fans have no idea who Jim Morrison is, lol. I asked Xin if she felt any jealousy during our time with our new unifriend (friendicorn?) and she said there was none at all. When I asked why she said that there wasn't a point where she felt I was "slipping away" from her despite the fact that I was obviously thoroughly enjoying what was happening between me and our new friend, nor was there a point where she did not feel that Ms. Corn was just as much into her. That combined with the fact that she even felt herself more attracted to us both as she was also seeing the two of us together is an excellent example of compersion. With regard to myself, I tend to experience strong feelings for others when they show genuine caring and concern for Xin especially whenever she needs it most. For instance, our cat Constance (not her real name) passed away two nights ago, and yesterday was VERY hard for us because she was a special cat. Out of all of the people that we told, one of the most heartfelt responses (aside from the Coyotes - thanks again, guys!) we received was from this same unicorn. For a brief shining moment I watched Xin move from very depressed to finally a little happy (even if just for a moment), and when this wore off she was still in a far better place than she had been prior to that. Instantly, I felt warm inside towards our new friend, because she had taken the spirit of the woman I love and lifted it to a height I had been trying to get her to on my own all morning (I was just too sad myself). Compersion lies in the fact that none of these feelings would have arisen if I had run into her in person somewhere without Xin and she had only been able to say them to me. My love for my wife and the way that this new friend treats her is what generates any positive feelings that I end up with towards her (aside from sexual<b> urges </font></b>- pretty sure that's all her, lol), and based upon my wife's description from above, I feel like we are in agreement on this concept. Poly adjacent it is! Lol Whoa, I just glanced back at this, and it is crazy long and rambling. I hope anyone bothers to read it all and can even follow it. If you can and did, congratulations! Get in touch with us right away, because we apparently speak a special language that very few people understand even though it's written in English - and you can understand it! Some people think it's the ADHD? Do you think it's the ADHD? I'm not really sure... SQUIRREL!! In all seriousness, I'd like to hear other people's opinions or experiences with regard to compersion. Anyone have thoughts?? 
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wild and crazy
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Wow, and I thought I wrote long posts. This was interesting because I know nothing of the swinging lifestyle and this is the first post on the emotional and psychological side of swinging I have read. Not compersion, but I was happy to see when my old girlfriends met someone special. I even received wedding invitations from a few. If you care for someone, you want them to be happy most of all, and their happiness is rewarding.
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