Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > TOMBOYinESSENCE > simply true to myself ... UB2 |
"je ne sais quoi", part 7, morphing of my "self", pt. 2 of 2
|
"je ne sais quoi", part 7, morphing of my "self", pt. 2 of 2 To perhaps speculate, I have to digress a bit, collect and summarize ...... About 5th Grade I had reached the stage of puberty to enjoy physically indulging myself on pretty much a daily basis along with accompanying erotic fantasies which enriched my pleasure. All of my fantasies seemed to involve elements of my vulnerability and display to attract for my submission to be physically restrained and possessed ... taken. And then, in 7th Grade, I became aware of attraction & attention ... watching the older boys with the girly magazines on the bus when in 7th Grade ... not even being interested in looking at the magazine, etc, but my physical arousal in watching the boy's reactions, leering and commenting while digesting the girls on the pages. I incorporated fantasies about me being one of those girls with the rest of my "adventures" I would enjoy while "enjoying" myself almost every night in bed. And later, during a scene on TV or even the couple of times I was at a live strip show for whatever reason, I would always look past the girl to the audience and become extremely aroused watching the audience visually enjoy, possess ... Tangent to these exhibitionistic, etc. tendencies, I guess in 8th Grade, I began to have erotic thoughts when shaking a man's hand or getting a pat on the back, etc. ... these contacts would often trigger my secret fantasies of rather than shaking hands or a pat on the back, my preference would be for him to pat my bottom or pull me roughly to him and kiss me ... and while holding my hands so I was helpless, a wet kiss, his tongue then inside my mouth while his hands were all over me ... hummmm, those older boys and men must have needed at least 4 hands to ravish me that way. Perhaps that is why, even before I could spell the words, with certain older boys and men I would think of how it would be to perform fellatio and/or submit for sodomy for them ... for me. Anyway, those were some of the "basics" which contributed to me currently, my "self". Most I can pretty much relate to concerning my preferences as an adult. However, no, I have not been a stripper per se; but I have to admit that I have always considered what I wear for a date or BF ... and his friends, and sorta enjoy flirting with his friends also. Of course it's not innocent, but it is within boundaries also and concerning "his friends", usually only within the limits my BF sets as acceptable. I have to say also that I have thought that my dressing and flirting with his friends for a degree of "recognition" or "attention" must be cause of some insecurities I have. However, what I consider wearing, etc. for a date or BF is yes, to look "nice" at the least, but always with a thought to "attract", more or less the "jungle thingy" ... the gazelle attracting the lion ... the prey attracting the predator. After all this ... the memories and<b> diary </font></b>entries, and then thinking about it, living it and what all this morphed into within me, my thoughts and desires and motives and experiences ... my "self", and writing it here ... there are still some very basic questions. For instance, why did I have those fantasies and preferences as to what was erotic and turned me on at 10 years old? Yes, I realize there was absolutely no male influence or support but I think yes, that may, no probably did contribute to my perspective but not the whole reason or explanation for the direction I apparently, obviously took. It's not at all that I would want something different, I just do not have all the reasons as to why and it does not seem normal or what is usual ... thus, of course I am not normal, average, etc.. but rather, for me, extraordinary, a gift to me upon my understanding and embracing the basics of my "self"... and for my potential lovers, perhaps I'm best described as a change of pace or exotic alternative. I say I've usually been a sorta "change" and/or "alternative" as except for my 1st BF in HS and my 2nd in college, men who have been interested in me are those who consider themselves as "Straight" or Bi-Curious" or "Bi-Sexual" and all seem to have had mostly conventional sexual experiences. Finally, yes, occasionally I have been asked if I have considered "the operations"... a sex change. However, once again, I am happy with myself ... so, of course not, why would I want to change? And, on a lighter note, right now I consider myself sorta an "exotic alternative" to and for the men who I seem to be most attractive to. If I had "the change", then, as I'm not beautiful, but can be attractive now ... with "the change", I would still probably be able to only be attractive, but only adopt a whole bunch more beautiful women as competition ... so, for me ... what would be the point? Kaycee. |
Become a member to create a blog
