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| Blogs > TOMBOYinESSENCE > simply true to myself ... UB2 |
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I was 14 years old the Summer before entering 8th Grade. As the story goes, in our school district, the age requirement cutoff date to be 6 years old to enter 1st Grade was June 1st. As my birthday is June 12th, I had to wait until the following year, or almost 7 years old. So I always was at least a year older than most of the in my class each year. Was that why I always felt more mature than the boys in my classes? Was the age disparity apparent in 1st Grade and then just became a self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuating until college? Ya, maybe ... probably I guess. But does it matter why? Perhaps then, but not now. Lots of stuff was happening around the time that I entered 8th Grade. My father was usually travelling in the course of his job. Actually, there was no male adult influence at that time in my life and concerning my peer group, they were all girl friends ... At school there was my Coach, but he was my 1st crush ... a totally different "influence". There were two more adults ... my Mom, but she was usually working or concerned with immediate issues and of course, the lady next door, Sue. From regularly babysitting her to becoming friends and then included among her circle of girl friends, we were becoming best girlfriends for each other. Aside from my lack of male friends and influences, the only job I had around that time was babysitting next door ... which, at times was more like a 'sport', especially when they got a little older, but usually just meant watching TV, etc. and later, sometimes having my BF over" ... you know, to do "homework" or "study", etc. Also, considering "sports" per se, from JR HS through till college, the only other "sports" of a competitive nature was Pep Club in JR HS and the Frosh Cheerleading Squad which I joined my Freshman year in High School. And finally, yes, my 1st boyfriend, who I met the Spring or end of my Freshman year in HS was male and an influence .. but again, not one motivated to encourage me to be more masculine, etc. But, there are arguments & theories that don't consider the absence of a male influence to be as important with influencing one's perception of their sexual/gender identity. Regardless, I'm just noting the situation and, frankly, until doing this here, I wasn't aware of how void I was of male influences. Finally, concerning my male influences, one might make the argument that my School Counselor and Psychologist for testing and Group Therapy during 8th Grade were males and perhaps influential But, from my perspective, they weren't really "masculine" influences per se; they were "clinical", professional but without distinction regarding gender to me. The Psychologist was more a "Doctor for my thoughts, mind, behaviors" Together with his discussions with me and testing resulting with his diagnosis "labeling" me or socially "branding" me Androgynous/female, perhaps that was yet another self-fulfilling prophesy as well as being "sentanced" to weekly Group Therapy sessions for the balance of my 8th grade school year and meeting Friday afternoons which conflicted with Pep Club. Although I did resent Group Therapy, especially at first cause I had to drop Pep Club, but for what it was, it was OK. Although we had a workbook and usually "homework", there were no "grades". Actually, the "homework" was sorta like my diaries ... writing in a journal ... our thoughts, etc. During the sessons we would just take turns telling about personal stuff and then comments on it ... without judgments ... which just increased our openness or candid relations and opinions I think. The sessions did sort of provide an awareness of social deprivations/deficiencies as to our personal histories. Of course, there was no real cures forthcoming but theories and explanations were offered. I think that all that did benefit some of the others who really did not think about themselves much or were guilt ridden but I gotta say it ... Group Therapy did not do much for me as I have never really been disenchanted with myself. I guess indirectly there was the benefit of completing the course mandated I take for my "behavior" but then it was all a permanent part of my record also ... yet another self-fulfilling prophecy concerning my thoughts about my "self"? The whole Group Therapy thingy seemed to place an emphasis on identification of deviant behavior and then the hypothetical causes and finally all this to help release responsibility of the behaviors to offer choices for a fresh start. But again, I liked myself, I think I always did ... maybe I was, am, just wired differently? Maybe all the "psycho-babble", etc. is not important to me as I have enjoyed being myself since forever ...or at least since about puberty, anyway. I just have never wanted to change ... anything, even from the start. Kaycee. |
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