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Re-Post: "How we met" by PD In 2001 after my third marriage ended it occurred to me that I couldn't possibly be any worse at picking men if I'd gotten a degree in failure. OK, that's a bit heavy. Let me put it this way: If I were to accidentally walk into the International Prince Charming Convention, a room filled with all the nicest, kindest, handsomest most eligible men in the world, I'd walk right up to a pickpocket working the room and say in my chirpiest girl voice, "Hi, my name's PD! What's yours?" First I cried a lot. Then I did lots of things people do in this situation. I quit drinking. I saw a therapist. I got on some decent antidepressant medication. I got a real job and bought a car and bought a house and bought an oriental rug (is it PC to call it that?) and finally, one day, when I'd almost quit thinking about myself I realized I felt pretty good. Maybe I wasn't so good at finding Prince Charming, but at least I was totally over Prince Alarming. That guy was no longer welcome. I knew what he looked like. I had his number. And he was going to have to torment some other dim chick next time. I was as happy as I'd ever been. I did not need another loser to make my life interesting. I had hired a psychotherapist with the mutually agreed upon goal of never doing this expensive miserable thing again. No more loser marriages. My third husband had completely cleaned me out both financially and in terms of my stuff. I had no stuff. I had to get all new stuff. This happened not because he had such a good case to steal every damned thing I owned, but because he was crazy and dishonest and I didn't feel like arguing with him over toasters and Christmas ornaments. I just wanted out. I left with my clothes, my car, and an Apple computer. I figured, since I was starting over in every other way, I might as well start over with men too. But I knew I needed help. My therapist said that finding the right man was as simple as learning to say no to the wrong man. What a revelation! Like many women of my generation and from my neck of the woods, the right man was any man who liked you who wasn't a drunk or a convicted felon. And actually, those things were negotiable if the guy has money. One of my sisters met her husband when she was 14 and he was 24, and my parents were thrilled. Today, that guy might be arrested. But I guess it's good he wasn't, because they are still together. The point is, I had zero practice saying no. The very concept was alien. So, by way of practice, my therapist got behind the idea of me trying online dating. If done safely, this would afford me lots of opportunities to meet guys, size them up, maybe go out if they passed the first meeting, and then say no to the ones who didn't measure up. I'd never done this. I Basically marry every guy who approaches me. So me sizing THEM up, that was different. People like to talk about how dangerous online dating is. Hey, dating MEN is dangerous no matter where you attempt it--online, offline, at church, anywhere, any way. With this in mind, I set some basic ground rules: I always set up the first meeting at the mall food court. Plenty of people. Security guards. Etc. I did not give my last name or address or phone number until I felt fairly sure it was safe to do so and often, never. If the meeting progressed to a date, I met the guy in my own car so I could get up and get out if need be, on my own. Finally, I discussed my adventures with my therapist and if a guy came up short behavior-wise and I didn't pick up on it, if he showed any assholio tendencies at all, I agreed to practice my 'get lost' routine. I was never rude or mean though. I don't like it when people are rude or mean to me, so even in situations where I thought, "whoa," I was polite in my "no thanks" responses. I have to say, I had fun with this. It was a grand adventure for me, and even though it was 90% not that productive romantically, I got a lot of insight into male insecurities and idiosyncrasies, and in the end, I felt a lot of compassion even for the men who were awful. This surprised me, and it was, in and of itself, a worthwhile experience to have. But I also enjoyed 'shopping' on my own terms, for what I wanted, instead of trying to fit myself into what some man wanted. What I wanted was (I thought) pretty easy: 1) I wanted someone to who would go to the movies with me, 2) Someone who wouldn't make a lot of demands (marry me, cook for me, live with me, clean my socks, etc, none of that), and 3) Someone who might enjoy having sex with me every now and again. And then go home. To his own house. And his own socks. Men say this is what they want. They are all the time saying that. It's crap. It's not what men want. No one tells the truth about what they want. Including me. The first man I met at the food court sat down, pulled out a piece of paper, and started interviewing me in a ridiculously no nonsense way. After half a dozen questions, the nature of which I do not recall, he laid down the law. "You will not date anyone else while you are dating me. I am sick of sluts." At that point I busted out laughing, which I am pretty sure was the wrong response, because after that he excused himself and left. I felt a little bad for laughing since it was my intention to be polite, but when someone is being ridiculously inappropriate sometimes it just happens. I definitely dodged a bullet there. That guy might have had bodies stacked up in his garage. He had that vibe. Then I met a guy who had been chatting with me for awhile. In his profile, his photo looked very nice, and I felt I knew him a little better, so I met him at the business he owned and ran. To my surprise he was horrible deformed by some crippling chronic illness, perhaps rheumatoid arthritis. He could not stand up straight. His limbs and hands were twisted. He could not walk without a walker. He shook my hand while I stood there in shock and then stuck it down his pants. "Whoa! Seriously!?" I said, (or something to that effect). I felt kind of sorry for him and now, if I didn't go out with him, he'd think it was because of his disability, which would be only half of it. I met him at his house for a movie date. He fell asleep on the couch. I left, more annoyed than angry. He called later and apologized and asked me if I would come over and cook dinner for him. I am embarrassed to say I actually did this. He had this stove with a timer on it that beeped non-stop He didn't know how to fix it so he didn't. It was crazy making. He asked me to move in with him rent free in exchange for cooking and some care taking. I told him this was not what I had in mind. I was looking for movies and sex and and he had not been up to either one. He said he actually kind of liked me and I thought, wow, such a romantic. My therapist vetoed that guy, of course. But I felt bad for him. Not only was he horribly disabled, he was a real crab ass. He'd been on the dating site for five years. Round about this time I got an email from a guy who lived about seventy miles north of me who said he thought we had a lot in common. RIght. I shot back an email that said something like, "Oh yeah? Like what" We started emailing each other though. He was easy to talk to, (he was the only guy I met through the dating sites who was easy to talk to, and the only one who seemed the least bit interested in me), and as we were both kind of engaged in the same search, I told him about my "interviews" (I'd come to regard them that way), and he talked about his own life and occasionally his bad marriage. He said he was going to leave his wife. I thought, um. Sure you are. I knew we would never get together because of the distance and the fact that he was married, and I told him this, but we kept talking because it was fun and soon I was looking forward to these talks and to sharing my latest adventures in<b> internet dating </font></b>land. I met a lot of guys but I went out with only a few. One of the most common questions I got was, "How many dates do we have to go on before we have sex?" (Answer: Now that you've asked that question, an infinite number of dates, billions and billions of dates...) OK, I never actually said that. But I thought it. I went out with a newspaper editor who let me pay for everything and fell asleep during the movie we saw. (This was becoming a theme.) I went out with a seven foot tall black man who kept reminding me that he was a seven foot tall black man. Like I could miss this. That guy did have a huge dick, which was useless because he also WAS a huge dick. I met a guy who was 5'5" who made $70,000 and went to Disney Land every summer. If I played my cards right, I could be a part of that, he said. I didn't have any cards. One night, I was chatting with my friend from up north about my latest dating exploits and he began talking about the woman HE was dating. Whoa. It felt like my stomach fell through my shoes. He can't be dating anyone! In about a second and a half I realized I was stuck on this guy and we hadn't even met. But how could it work? He was far away. He was married. We planned a meeting and from the first it was like getting hit with an uber-strong narcotic. We were like on a love drug. It was ridiculous but wonderful. I had never, ever, in my wildest dreams thought I would experience something so right, ever. But here's what I remember most (besides the amazing sex): When I asked him what he wanted from this he said, "I want to love someone. I want to love you." Oh my god, I thought. That is the right answer. In all my life I had never heard it. Ten years later, we are still together, still happy, still talking. Sometimes we even go to the movies. Become a member now and get a free tote bag. |
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This is Bill: Thank you, sweetie. It was her writing that first attracted me. She did write for a living for a little while, but the money is not good...you really have to write very well and get some breaks. She decided she was better off just writing because she loves to write, when she wants to write. In her second message to me, she sent a short story and I was hooked! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Wow. That is quite a story, and written in a very engaging manner. Bravo! However, it actually just convinces me that I will never meet another man to love because I got it right the first time around, and then he died after a delightful marriage. So - while this is great news for those who have had "failed" marriages, it's lousy news for me. I'm convinced that the only people (divorced or widowed) who have second (or more) successful marriages is because the first (and/or subsequent) ones were less than good. However, I gotta say, CONGRATULATIONS to you two. You seem like a great couple! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I love this! It's like I'm reading it for the 1st time, some of it I don't remember at all. What a brilliant therapist you had! By exposing you to online dating, others could heal your needs, thus doing the therapist's job, and if things went badly, that could lock you into more therapy for years! A win, either way! Maybe you shoulda dated the therapist! Between the crippled man and the 7ft black man, I can't help but feel closer to you, considering some of the "wildlife" I've met on internet dates. I could really feel that when you said your stomach fell to your shoes when you heard he was dating. I've felt connections to people just to have them ripped out by such a casual and common place comment. Total devastation knowing the search must begin, again. This makes me want to get a therapist, but I'd probably just end up falling for her. Such a great tale! I love it!  By the way, the therapist is a woman. Want her number? Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thanks! I must be a very lucky guy- I met two women online that year and liked them both a lot. But when I met PD, there was no doubt in my mind- this is the one I want to be with, and I didn't much care what I had to do to accomplish it. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Every time I read this post, and I read this and the post by Bill more than once, I laugh at your description of characters you met online and remember some of my own weird encounters. I can also relate to badly ending third marriage and to be left without a penny or any stuff. I din't hire a therapist though, online dating was entirely my own idea. Your story is remarkable. What is even more remarkable is that this time around this was it for both of you. Fate, after so many years and many screw ups, finally did the right thing by throwing the two of you together. Visit my blog It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World of NaughtyInSO, leave a comment, become a watcher. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIVE AND LET LIVE Be happy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hi PD, You both are very good with your words and I enjoy reading both of your blog posts. I'm glad you found each other and are here writing about it and your other life experiences. Vive La Difference
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Every time I read this post, and I read this and the post by Bill more than once, I laugh at your description of characters you met online and remember some of my own weird encounters. I can also relate to badly ending third marriage and to be left without a penny or any stuff. I din't hire a therapist though, online dating was entirely my own idea. Your story is remarkable. What is even more remarkable is that this time around this was it for both of you. Fate, after so many years and many screw ups, finally did the right thing by throwing the two of you together. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thank you Sassy. Never give up, ever. There's too much at stake. It doesn't have to consume you, but stay in a loose crouch, ready to spring into action and tackle that thing. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Hi PD, You both are very good with your words and I enjoy reading both of your blog posts. I'm glad you found each other and are here writing about it and your other life experiences. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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It's great to read this love story again.   
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It's great to read this love story again. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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PD. First, please keep him at a respectable distance from the barn. It is amazing the things some guys say or do in the dating world. There should be therapy just for dealing with that crap. Glad you got through all of Bill’s stuff to get him to his Greek God status and where you crazy kids are now. Excellent story you both write very descriptively. It is very interesting to read the story from both sides of it. I hope it remains as good for you 2 for as it has been. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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This is beautiful! You have a wonderful women in your life! I am so happy you found each other.. lovely!  hugssssssssss VBecome a blog watcher sweet_vm
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This is beautiful! You have a wonderful women in your life! I am so happy you found each other.. lovely! hugssssssssss VHuggggggs B Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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There's a bit of good and a bit of bad in all of us. PD and I aren't different. We don't see the world in religious terms of sin and virtue, but we have some bad karma, if you want to look at it that way. We all like to think of ourselves as unique, and we are, but we're also all the same in so many ways. Sometimes it can feel like you need to keep a lid on your hopes and dreams because it's a lot less disappointing that way- we were both there too. I'm not trying to imply that there's a happy outcome if you only try. There are plenty of unhappy outcomes for people who work their asses off trying. But it does break my heart to read of people, to listen to friends, who are resigned to loneliness, because I've been there myself. It's smart to be cautious and it's smart to be skeptical- there are a lot of players and gamers in life. Just keep your heart open so you can recognize that special thing when you see it, and give it a chance, because it's SO worth it. All the pain of our pasts didn't go away when we met. It didn't vanish. PD still sees a therapist regularly, and she takes daily medications to help correct the damage of a horrific childhood and adolescence, and an adulthood that wasn't the stuff of which Disney movies are made. I won't even say our meeting made it all worthwhile. But it did make us happy to still be alive, and made us cherish every new day together. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thank you so much PD for sharing your love story with us from your point of view.
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Thank you so much PD for sharing your love story with us from your point of view. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I came away from both of your stories with a feeling of awe and tears, happy ones. What a beautiful thing. The humor makes it even better. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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Thank you PD for your version of this beautiful and unique love story. That's all I wanted in my life: to be loved....I'm happy it happened to such good people like to the two of you!!!  WITHOUT PASSION LIFE IS NOTHING
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Thank you PD for your version of this beautiful and unique love story. That's all I wanted in my life: to be loved....I'm happy it happened to such good people like to the two of you!!!  You're welcome! Thank you for your wonderful comment!Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I loved this story. Can't wait to read the other perspective. Warmly, BPB69
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I loved this story. Can't wait to read the other perspective. Warmly, BPB69 Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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I love how you write. Your sense of humor shines through. You guys are a breath of fresh air. You are friends and lovers. The best combination, eh?Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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