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Late night confessions
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Late night confessions I have no idea why I am blogging at this hour. To be honest with you, I guess it is because I feel that there are things that I need to say. Late night is such a wonderful time. It is a chance for me to get a clean grasp on the random thoughts that have been running through my head all day. It is quiet and peaceful... with that underlaying hint of mystery that makes each moment just a little dangerous... a little taboo. Isnt that what life is about? Pushing limits? How can you claim to be alive if you have never lived? Take a chance. Let it ride one more time. Ask the girl. Stand up. That is what makes us alive. I could go through my life safely. Never taking a chance, never trying something new, never risking anything. I would be safe. I would never hurt. I would just live in a little cocoon and never escape. I did that for a while. Then I joined the military. Talk about a life changing experience. Wow! For the first time in my life I was forced out of my little safe zone into something that I was totally unprepared for. It scared me, and it changed me. I came back a stronger person than when I left. My vision was clearer and I now have more of a spine than when I left. I am someone that I am proud of. I use to talk about honor, and now I have the paperwork to prove it. I use to talk about being responsible, but now I can show you why you should trust me to handle the situation. Is that the route to self discovery everyone needs to take? No. Everyone has their own path to Enlightenment that they must first find and then follow. I cannot guide you up the mountain. I can show you the path I took. I can help you avoid the pitfalls that ensnare me. I can pick you up when you fall down. I can do all of that, but I cannot take the steps for you. I have to take my own. I can say though, that I have some wonderful friends. Two of my dearest friends (Beth and Josh) have stood by me through the dark crap that my ex put me through. I cracked earlier this week Muah. I answered her call. I was responsible for her being in a foul mood because she hadnt talked to me. The fact that her life was falling apart was my fault, and she wanted me to fix it. I put her to sleep (somehow I always am able to do that... I am not sure that is a good thing...being able to put people to sleep)< and then I sent Beth and Josh a text telling them I needed them. Beth, bless her soul, called me before I had set my phone down all the way. Talked me through the hurt that had surfaced again. Hell she had me talk to her new boyfriend (whom, while I dont 100% endorse, I see some serious potential in. Hell he thanked ME for being BETHs friend! He was glad we are close so she wouldnt be alone when she moves to TX. They bailed me out of an emotional hurt and then THANKED ME! I still feel low about that.) to help me make sense of how badly I am (STIL  being used. Josh called me as soon as he landed. Anyways, I am glad it's late. Via Con Carne!  |
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I just felt weak. I hate feeling that low. I guess I have a very low guilt threshold. If someone can hit me on one of my buttons, I just cave in. Unfortunately for me, Annie knows all of my little buttons. Maybe she was a parasite. I always felt second best to whatever (or whoever) was the next big thing in her life. I (consciously) know that I dont deserve that. I (consciously) know that I deserve someone who will treat me with the respect and devotion that I offer to them. The problem is sometimes I have a hard time convincing myself of that. Dont worry about calling her a parasite. Sometimes we need an outsider to tell us the cold hard truth. Why do you think I write about this stuff on this blog? I dont show weakness on my current myspace blogs. She can get access to those. That, and to be honest with you there are some amazingly intelligent and compassionate people on this site. Suprising, I know. Considering that this place is (by and large) nothing more than a meat market, i have made some good friends and gotten some outstanding advice from people here. Hopefully I have been able to give back as much as I have recieved. I dont like being in debt to people (except people like Beth and Josh. In those cases, we all have forgotten long ago who owes who what. I feel like I did something bad because of the guilt thing. I dont like the idea of anyone suffering more than they have to. I also hate the idea of someone suffering because of me. Via Con Carne!
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