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| Blogs > WaywardWhimsy > Dances With Words |
On being single and sexually liberated
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On being single and sexually liberated I’ve had some truly wonderful and reciprocal sexual experiences. However, I’ve also had some which were not. It seems that some men assume that if I’m single and sexually active I have not only automatically consented to sex but I have consented to it any which way; that being treated like a piece of meat is just part of the package I’ve agreed to. “Oh well you were looking for sex so you should have known this is the way it goes” or “If you didn’t expect to be treated this way, you shouldn’t have put yourself out there.” Seriously? I’m expected to modify my behaviour but men don’t have to be accountable for theirs? Consenting to sex seems to provide an excuse for some men to take advantage of or sexually degrade women without being held responsible. In this “hook-up culture” it’s become a prevalent way of behaving. There’s the guy who seems to be a gentleman yet disappears after I tell him I’m not ready to have sex on the 3rd date. There’s the guy I go home with for the first time who within 5 minutes of a little kissing is shoving his dick in my face expecting me to go down on him. Or the guy I’ve occasionally slept with, who one night tells me he just “isn’t into it” unless it’s without a condom or anal, and then, despite my protests, proceeds to shove his unwrapped cock in and pump away thinking I’ll just get so lost in the moment I’ll stop asking him to put one on. I have to physically push him off and out. Or the lover who shows up drunk at my door needing a place to crash for the night, and when we go to bed he starts pushing my head down forcibly. I resist, and he pushes harder. I shout “No” and he keeps pushing. Finally, I manage to wrestle my head away from his iron grasp and ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing. “Oh, I thought you liked it rough. I thought you wanted that.” Or what about the guy who promises to return the favor if I go down on him first (which then of course he doesn’t) or the guy who holds my head down when he cums and forces me to swallow. Or gag. Or both. Or the guy who I invite over for dinner and a movie who halfway through the movie, unzips his pants and pulls out his cock. Or the lover who, when I open the door, is standing there with two of his buddies, and tells me that tonight’s my “lucky night,” and that I get to have 3 guys at once. And when I finally convince him that it’s not going to happen and his buddies leave, still expects that I’ll have sex with him that night. I’ve experienced this sort of thing time after time. I’ve said “No” and have either been made to feel guilty or been pressured until I went along with something I didn’t want to do. Is this what consenting sex looks like? Is this what being sexually liberated in our society looks like? Does being a single woman who enjoys sex mean I have to constantly defend my body and my morals or otherwise men will revert to treating me as nothing more than a collection of holes for their own use? Is this acceptable? Is this the price a woman has to pay if she chooses not to be celibate? |
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Where oh where did Myundoing go?  [image]
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I offer a heartfelt hug, no strings, for the torment you've endured. It's not your fault. You are an honorable woman. You deserve to have honorable men in your life. I wish I could apologize and cancel out those awful cretins. I wish I could save you from the neanderthals and the leeches. I wish I could make your time here worthwhile. But I can't. There are good men here, or so I believe. I pray that you find one soon, my dear. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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That's unfortunate, and in some of the cases you described, probably criminal. If you were willing to go through all the victim-blaming misery, some of those attacks could probably be prosecuted as some degree of unlawful sexual contact. All of them are inexcusable, tacky, and stupid. One problem with this sort of site, and with "casual encounters" classified ads, is that in addition to people looking for good, mutual pleasure, there are jerks who see this site's past "get laid tonight" advertising* as something other than marketing nonsense. Or maybe, after writing hundreds of introduction e-mails and getting just a few replies, and of those, getting just a few in-person meetings, they think they've made it, and fail to recognize that they still have to pass one additional step, which is consent. On the other hand, dating sites that are not (openly) focused on good mutual pleasure, as well as most in-person ways of meeting people, often also attract the wrong kinds of people: 1, the same kinds of jerks as some of those you encounter here, but they're even harder to filter out because the sites discourage expressions of interest in sex so they can't even be up-front about things that are deal-breakers for many people ("must love anal", "I like it rough", etc.); 2, people who aren't going to satisfy your desires because they're not sexually functional, only looking for someone to cook and clean, seeking only a long-term relationship (if you're looking for variety), etc. In short, there's no easy answer. You might reduce the adverse encounters by more thorough screening, but there's a point where saying "Screen them more carefully" is just a variation on "What did you expect from guys on a sex-positive dating site?" It's just not fair that one is expected to avoid despicable behavior by more and more thorough screening, when the real answer should be for men to be respectful enough that screening is only necessary to find mutually attractive partners, not to screen out the jerks and the criminals.
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I'm sorry that you have had such insulting experiences. other women have told me similar stories. Please do not presume that "all men" act in such manners. there are gentlemen out here too
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Yes, and it's challenging for some enlightened men who are standard members to demonstrate that they know how to treat a lady right. WaywardWhimsy replies on 8/28/2016 12:53 am: Great advice given. Thank you. Too bad, though, that enlightened relationships aren't as easy to come by. *grin*
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No. That's not acceptable. We can do better. You have to demand it. I've missed you in the blogs. It feels good to see you here again.  Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
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What ever happened to respect and honesty. You have to respect others not treat them like meat. Unfortunately those guys make it that much harder for any of the good guys.
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I believe there are many of us women who could have a group therapy moment on the amount of men who have tried forcing us into sexual experiences without our consent. Hugs..I'm sorry you had to go through this Live life to it's fullest! If you're bored, Read Hugs Gypsy
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WaywardWhimsy replies on 8/27/2016 11:25 pm: How men are raised, by who & the values they're taught all play a role, definitely. Somewhere these men have been misguided, I'm sure. You know, it's not that I necessarily think that these sexual activities are wrong. It's the way they are presented. Like my consent is just a given. Actually, not even just my consent but that it's what I desire at that moment as much as they do. I understand that your concerns are mainly with their presumptive approach. From their perspective, you have no business to be part of the decision-making process because it's not a mutual decision. It's a form of subjugation. My advice is to scratch them off your "to do" list and move on to more enlightened relationships where you can maintain your morals and standards without fear of being compromised.
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WaywardWhimsy replies on 8/27/2016 2:26 pm: You know, that just the thing I don't understand. These men I've mentioned by all other standards present themselves as reasonable and decent human beings in most other areas of their lives. How can their perception of women and sex be so skewed? I'm not in any way a prude. I am more than happy to try new things and experiment sexually. I enjoy sex and it's many variations but I certainly don't want to be thought of as just a willing vessel of convenience for their pleasure only. If a man treats me as a human being and I don't know....maybe, actually talks to me about what he'd like instead of just springing this shit on me out of the blue....I might just be game. In my experience, it's how men are raised, by who, and the values they're taught. One can be a hard worker but still be sexist. These men manifest their true, unevolved nature when they let their other neanderthalic brains control their behaviour. They're rushing to obtain what they really want (sex) without recognzing the importance of establishing intimacy on different levels. I feel for you and other women who continue to be subjected to these behaviours. Hopefully September will see the dawning of new, better relationships.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you had to deal with those type of men. Like what was responded, not all men are like that. I feel that sexual pleasure should be fun for both sides. Not just for the males. That if you request or stated that you will only have sex a certain way, then the men should respect your wishes. You can sit down and talk about something but make sure it's a mutual thing. Hope you do have good adventures in the future. Hugs Please feel free to read my blog at Losnewf Thoughts
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As with the other respondents here, I do find this post sad and disturbing. The best sex happens when each partner is more concerned with the other's pleasure than their own. Those guys clearly weren't. D.
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Oh my word, not all of the male gender are jerks and assholes, 
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Wow, it does sound like you've had some truly dreadful experiences. Clearly these creeps don't know the meaning of appropriate behaviour, boundaries, and the word, "no". Perhaps a kick in the balls would get their attention.
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Wow that is really sad that has happened to you but I have heard of similar instances from women on here and in other social circles. I guess some men think that today everyone just want to get naked and boink right away, not get to know the person first. I hope the next time you meet someone it goes the way you would like it to
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