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I am not a bird...
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I am not a bird... Brace yourselves, this is heavy shit tonight… I know this is not the right platform for this rant, but I do not believe in shrinks and proffesionals of that ilk…. Apologies everyone, but if I dont write something soon I'm gonna go nuts . Maybe there’s someone out there with a few words of hope or advice. No one here knows how freaked I actually am…. This is morbid and emotional, laced with grief and guilt… enter only those who dare... Bad day. Many of you who have been hanging around over the years , will know a bit about my history with my recently deceased husband Lars [who passed away very unexpectedly in Feb this year-at home in front of me…from a massive cardio failure induced by pancreatitis-lovely hey?]. You’ll know how he battled with booze and addictions of some kind his whole life. How I came here looking for some kind of intimacy and relief from my daily grind. Sex was never great between us, and with all the booze, anti depressants etc its not surprising. He spent a spell in rehab last year and came out all sparky and new. I thought we’d be ok… When I caught him out, at a friends house in December 2015, drinking in front of me ‘’on the sly’’ [brandy and coke as apposed to plain coke] I switched off my heart to him. I could not in all honesty risk more of my soul on his shocking behaviour. I communicated severely and spared him no rope. I wished him gone from my life and even wished him dead-for his own sake. His physical pain, grief and guilt at his parents death was eating him alive. He suffered from extreme back pain from a youthful<b> motorcycle </font></b>injury which had him almost immobile with pain. Pain killers, anti depressants and booze is such a fun combination…. I turned away from him, offering him no more of me in any way. I cooked cleaned, did the dutiful wife thing. Then He started to show signs of trying to come back again. Naturally I Was worried when he was ill on the Thursday and took him to hospital in a very concerned state. The dr said he had gastro which I knew was bull… the Friday I took him to his own quack, who diagnosed pancreatitis and took tests to confirm and plot plan of action when the results came back. The doc said nothing about hospital or serious danger. By 0900 the next morning Lars lay dead in my arms in our bed at home. WTF. Today its hit me worse than ever just how much I did love him, and miss him. No matter how much he hurt me or disappointed me. I have always longed for truly romantic love. From poems and movies, we learn/expect so much more. I wonder what I am here to learn from this terrible ordeal. He has left for pastures greener. My beliefs teach of a higher realm, of a death of the body and not the soul...afterlife etc etc..blah blah blah...why is it then that he is so utterly gone. No hint of him remains. No smells no cold shivers no movement in the corner of my eye. Nothing. Nothing at all. I like to believe [now that I know more about Pancreatitis] that he chose this route as a release to me and the family. This way, we dont see him suffer more than he already has. His gracious acceptance of the inevitable [the test results showed he was beyond ‘’cure’’], released us and him from a painful and in fact expensive [no medical aid] burden. I know in my heart he is better off now. My problem is guilt. I feel like he gave up because he had no reason to live. I could never understand how he could love me so much but not be willing to give up the drink for me. Our life here, was magical. A beautiful home and environment. So, I must wonder...did he let go so graciously, to spare us and him….or was it darker than that? Did he let go, because I turned my heart off to him???? I can justify my reasoning and self preservation till the cows come home…. I know guilt is meant to be a useless emotion, but it sure as hell doesn't stop one feeling it. Sorry to burden you all with this drivel...so not, what I am about, but I am at a loss. Any insights would be appreciated…. ‘’a bird will fall frozen, dead, from a tree without once having felt sorry for itself’’ I am not a bird. |
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I cannot offer any wisdom much, you have found within yourself the answers and actions and will move forward when the time is right. I bet it is very complex in terms of your views and his thoughts --- I do believe that addiction however, makes someone another person, so unsure the degree he was able to support you or even recognize your support maybe. Best to you and thrive on.
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Thanks Bik... everyones input is usefull at this stage of the game... True what you say about an addicts recognition/reality. I didnt really think about that. I am still very tied up in the ''self'' of this awfull situation. Intersting choice of word ''thrive'', its the third time today that someone in my circle has used that word. Not exactly a common word. Thanks A
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