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My relationships
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My relationships My interests started rather obscure. I thought everything would happen at once when I was younger seeing my two older brothers as they started dating and getting serious with their girlfriends. However I was very much different and because of this I have been on a very slippery scale. I did have my first girlfriend in Middle School but that was the typical things like sitting with each other and talking on the phone almost every night when we didn’t see one another that day. We only went out on a date once but it was a good feeling to have someone like that. We didn’t do much and she moved away. Each girlfriend after her started showing a type that I didn’t realize until later. I was into the tomboy type with short hair and appeared to be a bit more masculine. I had found through the porn and nude magazines a type and thought it was amazing and all my own. When I started getting my own magazines I would start looking through them to find that type. Not once did I ever try to figure out what it meant or why I was doing this until recently. I went through the history of my girlfriends and they types of relationships to figure out what it may have done to me. Out of the relationships, each as a dependency or codependency with the person or vice versa. The first was using me to get everyone off her back until the prom where she then brought in the limo driver as her date to the after party. I was already inside and saw her enter with him as if he was big man on campus. My friends all saw it and tried to help me to get over it but it was the first in a long series of crushing blows. As each blow occurred I would build up an outer shell which took time. The next girl was a friend of my ex and she saw what I was willing to do with my partner and loved the idea but didn’t want to be committed as far as I wanted which caused tiffs and mild fights until one day she broke things off with me and ended up going out with someone else. Only after she broke up with him she went back out with me and had him as a friend until he lied to her and told her information about when they were together I had feelings for a friend of her’s only telling her when I was dating her causing the fight to happen again and we went off in different directions after that. The next was the most vital to my current development. For without the situation that I had with this girlfriend I would not know how strong emotionally I was. I started dating her and we went out several times eventually getting into couple nights where we would hang out with friends who were a couple as well. Eventually there was a time in which she ended up going into the hospital and had to stay with her parents allowing me a little more freedom. I started to explore the internet with my computer while she was there and found more information about transgender and eventually the friends who were transgender. I started believing based on the way I felt and was that I was a crossdresser or transvestite but nothing was for sure. I started getting into fights with the girlfriend and eventually anything I did like getting her flowers for special occasions or planning a nice gift for her birthday was seen as me forgetting and only doing something at the last minute. She then tried to break me down by saying my family didn’t love me and that her family was the only family I needed. She then went for the throat when she tried keeping me awake for three days straight where I would go to work and then come home to her abusive yelling. Finally on night three I said you can continue to scream at me but I am going to bed and went to sleep. This was the final nail in the coffin because after that she started seeing someone behind my back. We ended things and she continued to try to control until the day I told her to screw off which was a month after we broke up and I moved out. This relationship helped me to realize who I was, was not defined by others but by myself. I started to live my life the way I wanted to and ended up with another girlfriend but this one was more liberal about exploring those avenues. I went down the rabbit hole of crossdresser and transvestite and found it was not totally me. Our relationship started to sour because both of us were thinking that the other was more of what we believed and less of what we were so she ended up calling out on one of my biggest pet peeves by telling me a lie and disguising it as infidelity. She told me she slept with an ex only to later tell me that it was a lie and she just wanted to see what I would do. Both of these are big in my book because we were not communicating about anything. She never told me she was having issues but rather told me this after. We are still friends but I told her based on what she did I would never date her again and would never trust her fully. At this point I felt I needed to give up on genetic girls and focus on transgender but didn’t realize how difficult it would be to find a relationship with any. I searched around but found that many I was talking with were on the west coast and so I tried some places I heard about which turned me to the News Groups. I finally started finding people closer to me. I eventually found a transgender girl close enough to go visit. After talking enough I found out she lived on the other side of city so I checked out the neighborhood she lived in. It was not the best but I was told that everyone around knew not to bother her friends. I went over and started a little love affair with her. She showed me cultures that I had never seen before like the club and bar scene. We eventually went to a club that I enjoyed but it only accepted cash and I didn’t have any at the time. I ended up following her around the block to another club that would act like an ATM site since there were none in that area. As she lead me in she told the hostess that I was just there to withdraw some money. She then told me where to go. As I went back I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until I was already getting the money. I saw out of the corner of my eye someone on the bar. I looked over to find that this was a full nude male strip joint. I went off on her after receiving the money that she didn’t warn me. She laughed all the way back to the club. Out of all the times I spent with her that was one of the better moments. She then showed me the darker side of the culture when she started asking me to bring bottles of wine with me and would ask for money. She lost her job midway through our dating so I thought she was looking and asking for money to tide herself over. I found out through sources and the way she was acting that she was on drugs and drinking heavily. She had told me her past so I thought that the drinking was a result but had no idea about the rest until a friend in the complex she lived in offered her some while we were visiting. She ended up smoking all night long and then about a month after that she was threatened by her roommate to be booted due to the drugs. I ended it the Monday after that when she called me at five am asking me to drive out to her before I went to work because some guys ‘broke’ into her place demanding money. I accused her of asking them to come over with drugs and didn’t have money for them and ended it with don’t call me again. I understand that this isn’t a typical but there were extremes that I met and the one after that was one I only met twice. The first was at a park as a mutual location so we both felt comfortable. We had a nice time and she asked to see me again. Once we figured out a time I was to join her at her house. She then spent a majority of the time explaining the whole procedure of an SRS and her trip to have it. I didn’t mind the first part but when she started taking out pictures and explaining how we would need to play before and during sex it turned me off completely and I ended it, vowing to never go out with a post-op transgender since they were similar to genetic girls at that point to me. I started trying to figure out why I ended up with the thoughts of a pre-op transgender and what attracted me. All this time I was in touch with my friends from the chat on the internet and they offered to me to come out and meet them. I went out two different times with the first before September 11 which gave me the first taste of San Fran, California. I enjoyed myself but found that something was not right. Later it was determined that even though they were in the area of San Fran people still treated like sideshow acts and not human beings. When I returned everything was still confusing for me. I then took another in the November after the attacks seeing the changes made to security. When I arrived there were now more people staying in their place which caused me to spend more time with someone that all three of the other roommates of the house were trying to hook me up with. We tried while I was there but found we were not a match. Then the first of my traumatic experiences occurred in the form of my father’s death. I ended up doing the one thing that I vowed I wouldn’t. I started dating a genetic girl again. She and I did hit it off and eventually moved in together. We had a long relationship which went on into years. Then one day she started talking about things that were insulting toward me. I wasn’t open to a lot of people and my mother didn’t know about my interests which I was okay with but when the girl I was dating starts saying how transgender people should go see a doctor to be cured and that if I ever wanted her to do anything different than what we were doing in bed that we should break up that was the final straw for me. I ended up shutting down in the relationship after she went the born again Christian route. She stated to me that we wouldn’t do anything any more until marriage and that it would be basic stuff when we did. Every word that came out of her after that was another nail in the coffin for our already dying relationship. I finally broke things off and that was the last genetic girl relationship I had. I had plenty of friends who were girls but none that were looking to date me. I did a lot of soul searching to find out who I was again. I came out to the rest of my family and friends and told them what I was looking for which did confuse my mother at first but she understands now and has met some who I was starting to date. This all helped me to keep true to myself and learn more about myself and finally I feel comfortable in my own skin. Sadly I have meet many transgenders who are quick to judge me saying I am the exact reason they can’t date real men. They don’t ask me any questions but they just jump to the conclusion that I am one of the pervy guys who just wants to live out a fantasy of being with a transgender girl so I could hide being gay. It is far more than just that. Per the COGIATI, I am classified Three Androgyne. I tell people that I am more feminine in my thoughts but have a sort of permanent body that is male. I tend to side with more feminine and enjoy being around females than males. I see a man and it does nothing for me just like if I see a vagina it will only bring thoughts of wishing I had one and not I really want to be in one. If I could wake up the next day as female I would go to sleep right away. If I could have a transgender girl who does not want to transition any further than looking feminine and still enjoying the male part I would do the same and go to bed quickly. I know that life does not work that way and that one does have to work for it but working for it won’t do anything as of late because what I am looking for seems to elude me more each day. I am seeing my friends and family moving on and having lives of their own and I am sitting and just dealing with bills and work. After a while it does get to you and you have to escape reality. I just leave a<b> tether </font></b>to reality to come back when I need to. Next time I will talk about what I figured out about myself and how I figured it out. |
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I spent my early years in the 80s trying to conform to what society wanted with similar results as you. Then in the 90s with the Internet arriving, I discovered that I was not alone in my thoughts. All those things you say you wish you could go to bed and have are there. You just have to decide if that is truly what you want or like you said, a brief fantasy to see the other side of yourself. The key is that you have both. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feminine side in life. If more men did that, then maybe this world would be a more accepting place. I look forward to reading more about your future thoughts and decisions. In the meantime don't worry about people judging you. As the song goes, it's my life or in this case its your life. Be happy in it. Take care and be safe. Ciao. Gina
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