Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > rm__FORGED_ > Island Time |
Falling In Love Online, Online Relationships And Just Plain Ol’ Too Far Away…. finished product.
|
Falling In Love Online, Online Relationships And Just Plain Ol’ Too Far Away…. finished product. Took the time to re do the previous pos, and this is the result! ---------------------------------- [image] I used to be an internet dummy. I knew nothing about falling in love online, online relationships and really just couldn’t comprehend such a thing, or believe it was possible… until it happened to me. I just want to point out that what I’m talking about here has to with starting a relationship online with the eventual outcome being to meet the person in real life; to know that there is a person “out there” who is the perfect match for you and because we have the internet and access to more people, finding that more perfect match might be a little easier. Kinda like how those eHarmony and Match.com commercials spin it to you. in the old days, before the internet was so widely available, this kind of thing happened was called Mail Order Brides and Pen Pals. Now its so common, its called an online relationship. lol! we use dating sites and emails instead of MOB services or pen and paper. Mail Order Brides had a negative connotation to it, because the stigma was there was a fat old greasy guy who couldn’t find a readily available woman to service him, so he picked a women looking to escape her country. That is how MOB was viewed, and probably still is today. I will say that there are many happy blissful marriages that have come of these services. Pen pals fell in love all the time! At school, back in the day, your teacher probably would have announced to the class that there was another student in a far away school in a different country who would like to have a pen pal and looked for volunteers. Pen pals turned into friendships and sometimes even marriages. I think that dating and love all stems from three things: Timing, Proximity and Chemistry. If you spend enough time around a certain person chemistry will come out of it. It doesn’t matter where… you have to be in the same place at the same time to find that spark, that chemistry. Spend enough time in one place and any person will grow on you! Thus chemistry will develop no matter how hard you fight it! Let me put it this way: you get stuck on a deserted island with a person you dislike or maybe just don’t find attractive. You will either kill that person right away, or try to make the best of things. in trying to make the best of things, you really get to know that person. in time they actually will grow on you…. you can’t help it, your brain is doing it, with or without you… This person you really didn’t want anything to do with starts to grow on you and eventually… given enough time, things most likely will develop. Tom Hanks loved his Wilson after all. Prisoners who were heterosexual begin to have sex with other men. I only mention this part to illustrate that spend enough time on the internet, and you will eventually fall into an online relationship… usually romantic in nature. It might be a picture, it might be the written words, it might be the written thoughts that rigger your love buttons, but on some level, if you aren’t prepared for it, love will hit you like a massive ISP interruption. I fell in love online… all those feelings that go with love, all those butterflies, pounding heart and sweaty palms…. yup, hook line and sinker. I was married at the time… waiting for the divorce to happen tho… so really I had no reason to fall in love, but I did. She was dreamy, wrote in the most colorful metaphors, and terribly sexy to boot! I didn’t say much, just waited. I sent her an email, she answered. She was in Boston Mass. USA, I was in Edmonton, Alberta Canada… In my head, just a short plane ride away… As dreamy as she was, she was also practical. She pointed out a few things that I hadn’t considered. She was great about it, I came to my senses and have been studying this for the past few years passively; in my own time. What have I found out about these things called Online Love and Online Relationships? I’ve learned that they can work. I also have learned that most fail miserably…usually even before you meet that person and see them face to face, all the while suffering the same ailments as if it were happening with a real boyfriend/girlfriend that you can hold hands with. Is it Love then? Hmmmm…… I know that ‘feeling’ of love. The heart rate rises, the guts come up into our stomachs, perhaps even we might freeze and not be able to speak. those are the drugs in our physiology… I have learned that you cant just go with those. Those are the “love helpers”. They help us see past inconsistencies in the other person, the faults, the “bad” things. they wear off after a while though. After they wear off, you might find yourself wondering “What the heck was I thinking when I met this person?” For some of us this happens a few years down the road, for others it happens the next morning! lol! Love (as in loving another person) is give and take, support and a general definable interest in that person’s well being and working towards making their well being a priority in your life. This gets messy and our bodies know this, and it knows that its nearly impossible for us humans to stick in there long enough to procreate and raise , so it supplies us with drugs to make us think we are in bliss. I will have probably lost most of the women at this juncture (and maybe some of the guys too lol! ), but please don’t pick my explanation of love apart, sub in your own… this is just my opinion/definition of it. If you don’t like it and want to argue this part with me, take a number and get in line.  I’d like to think that now after all my relationships, and subsequent divorce, that I would like there to be a mixture of both of these, don’t you? I think there should be some passion and some interest in the other person, and hopefully them with me too. I want the other person to be a little drugged out on me, have an interest in my well being! lol! Wouldn’t you like someone to be all passionate about you AND have your interests at heart? Of course. That’s what love is all about isn’t it? For the sake of me making my point in this blog, it is. And that little explanation above covers the chemistry. Timing: spend enough time on FB, POF, any playing warcraft online, any forum, any blogshpere reading blogs… and you will find someone you are interested in. Given enough time and interaction, you are going to find out that someone has been keeping an eye on you too…. when that happens and the chemistry falls into place magic occurs! Fireworks erupt! Long nights in front of monitors, and fervent fingers hitting keystrokes become your routine! they have your interests, you have their’s, you spend some time squirming in lust on your chair in the room you are sitting… its exciting! So you just meet the person of your dreams online! lol! All is good right? you have chemistry…. you are passionate about them, you are interested, they are passionate, they are interested…. now what? ummm…. sort of…. its a good start, but there is one little snag, one little detail in this love story that is a brewing! Proximity: In other words distance. Part of this is already fulfilled. part of the proximity is accomplished by your online persona. You were in the right place at the right time with chemistry… it was just online. To turn this thing into something you can literally sink your teeth into, you have to have PHYSICAL proximity, PHYSICAL timing and PHYSICAL chemistry. Without any of that, you are living in a fantasy world built on fantasy and myths. I’ve lived most of my relationships in some form of long distance. I usually ended up working out of town, for extended periods of time. Ask anyone married to a construction worker, or an oilfield guy…. they will tell you the hardships of living far away while married. So I know a thing or two about keeping a relationship going while being far away. Bottom line is this… you gotta have skin on skin, regularly and consistently. You have to be able to hold that person, you need the hugs and kisses, the hand-holding, the warmth of the body in bed at night, you need it all the time… humans suffer without regular intimate human physical contact. It keeps us healthy, and anyone who has been through a divorce will tell you how much it affect them. Don’t take my word for it, ask your doctor! If you dont get it, at best it’ll drive you a little crazy! At the worst it will turn you into very cold-hearted shell of a person. How long can two people stay in love indefinitely without ever touching? Not sure, each to thier own I guess but to alleviate the symptoms of loneliness, its easy…. you fake it. you can fake it for a while to tide you over. But fake it long enough… and you are just building something that is solidly fake, a house of cards. That, or the person just looks elsewhere for it. This leads to cheating, this leads to flings, this leads to many things that are not part of building a relationship with that person who is the apple of your eye! Frustration, anger and hurt feelings generally ensue. The feeling of love that you feel may be real, there is no denying that, but the real test is in person. All that online chemistry and timing and proximity doesn’t mean a hill of beans because it all comes to the test when there is a face to face meeting. And then you have to start basically from scratch with the timing, proximity and chemistry all over again! Timing: You have to arrange for time to meet. Schedule conflicts and airplane rides all are an obstacle to this… money too. you have to have resources for this because the meet, and subsequent regular ongoing meets are needed. Proximity: While living long distance in my relationships, I got paid well. This means I could drop everything and get home if needed, and do it regularly. I didn’t have to worry too much about the cost, and I could be home twice a month for a few days on average. But let’s leave the regular future visits that are needed to maintain the relationship on the back burner for a bit. The focus now is the first meet. Chemistry: The first meet HAS TO HAPPEN. Its fine to find the love of your life on line, but somehow you have to take from fantasy to reality. You have to get on a plane to meet. Why? Things are different in real life than they are online. The chemistry you think you may have on the forum, or facebook, a forum or in a chatroom, might not transfer! How do I know this? Just ask anyone on a dating site who met some local people who they thought they might have chemistry with…. and they will tell you it doesn’t. I know this from my own experiences… it just doesn’t transfer sometimes. The emails might be great, the interest level might be off the scale, but in a real life situation, it just sometimes DOES NOT WORK. I could say that if you were stuck on a deserted island with that person long enough, chemistry would develop…. but we are creatures of Now! Of immediate gratification, and besides when the chemistry online isn’t there when we meet in person, it confuses us, and when confused a human will just say No. The meets are required. Get a meet on the go as soon as possible because you could just be spinnin your wheels and pining for nothing. You get to the meet. and the chemistry is off the hook! what now? this means more time with that person… it means more meets; you are now dating long distance. There is no real relationship yet, other than being pen pals, you still have to go through the dating process. Lets put this into perspective: You meet a person at a coffee shop, you are attracted to one another and numbers are exchanged for further investigation. A “date” is set up and it all goes well. Due to the date going well, and the mutual attraction that exists, more dates happen… sex comes into play and then you might<b> meet friends </font></b>and family and spend time with those people too. You basically integrate your lives together over time. Maybe you move n together and then get married and have , or have then get married… and live in bliss painting your white picket fence until you get divorced! lol! All of this is pretty easy… you are pretty close to one another. dates can be set up and implemented fairly quickly. I mean, you don’t have to take time off work and spend a couple thousand bucks to meet for lunch or dinner or even for a quicky! lol! you just make a call and see if you both can meet in an hour or ten minutes, or tomorrow. On the other side of this, if the first date doesn’t go well, or even the next bunch…. you can just say no, and call it all off. No harm done, your bank account is still in good repair and your emotional reserves havent been drained too badly. it was a quick series of dates to see if it could work out… no harm done other than to your self esteem maybe. On the other hand, lets look at this through the eyes of dreamland, far far away…. You do your absolute best to make sure that this person on the other side of the internet connection is what you are after and that there is definite chemistry… you work out a time and place to meet, who pays and dive in…. and you have to take the dive if you believe in your convictions! Otherwise, you are living a fantasy that will never come true. So you bite the bullet, you put your money where your mouth is (or rather wants to be! lol!) and you hop on that plane to test your theory that there is chemistry and that this might possibly be the One! And you show up and its just not like how you thought it would be… the chemistry is not there. Which is OK, you flew with no real expectations… you visited to test your theory… If you flew with grand expectations, well then my friend, you are going to be crushed. At the very least, you will be a little disheartened. But you are steadfast and resilient! If you are healthy, you just say “On to the next one!” and go on to find the next one. That is one scenario…. and a very likely scenario too…. you are going to fail at dating more that you are going to be successful at it… you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, or you need to weed out the PrimaDonnas to find your princess! The other scenario I will use for this, is that the meet goes very well. You get on the plane with no expectations and you find out your instincts about this person were right on! The chemistry flies and it is heated passion at first sight! They greet you at the airport gate and The First Kiss is so dang good you both end up rolling on the floor, people with with bags and scurry out of the way to view this Ultimate Passion of Love Unleashed and applaud you both for throwing caution to the wind! After the security guards help you both off the floor, into some sort of standing position with your hair a mess and clothes all disheveled, you cant help but giggle as your eyes meet one another’s, as your audience cheers you on…. as you hold hands to continue this first date. And that’s all it is, a first date. You are going to be on your best behavior… You are going to be rushed with brain love drugs the whole time you are together. This is basically a holiday for lovers! time will tell just how well you live with one another… but with such chemistry, the sky is the limit! Or is it? How long can you stay there? When is the next meet? how long to arrange your lives around one another? who lives where? who stays with family? Too many questions! I’m over analyzing for sure! Just remmeber, that I’ve made looking into this my hobby for the past couple of years… So yeah… it’s over analyzed! And besides… where else are you going to find this kind of info all in one easy to read place? lol! I’ve also been on a forum that deals with MOB sites. you remeber… Mail Order Brides? They are still going strong, and even thought there is a stigma to them and the idea surrounding that institution that is the mail order bride indistry… it’s reall no different than hitting the “Anywhere in the world” option on eHarmony. As sson as you click that option, you are now in the same boat, painted with the same brush… I found that there is a system to online relationships that can make it work. Everyone likes a success story and the marketing for sites like eHarmony and Match.com are the proof. You get interested in one another online. Then you spend time emailing back and forth to make sure the other person is real and hopefully compatible. then comes the first meet, and those are hit and miss, but ARE REQUIRED if you want to make anything work. There is a balance here between these two. On one hand you are trying to weed out what you don’t want, while looking for what you do want, and making sure the person is as GENUINE as you can possibly figure out online without endless months and years of emailing. The ultimate aim of this blog is to separate fact from fantasy and get to real life as soon as its feasibly possible. This about about A real relationship that happens to start online, but ends up in real life. The meet is next. Endless emails don’t get you anywhere, you have to be prepared to hop on a plane,make the drive or do the hike. You have to meet that person who has captured your interest. If the meet goes well, you plan more meets… you are after finding how the other person is to be around in real life, they should be doing the same with you. When that goes ok, you start making plans. Who lives where? How much time here, how much time there. Take anyone away from their support systems and they will falter. Either you or or the apple of your eye is going to at some point have to leave the life you’ve built with the people you know and trust. Be wary of anyone who throws cation to the wind and will uproot in the blink of an eye… Our support systems cannot be taken lightly. they provide us with nurturing, emotional backing, financial backing and a shoulder to cry on, when no one else wants you to get their shoulder wet. These support systems come in the form of family and or friends. Sometimes therapists too! lol! Somebody is going to have to change jobs, somebody is going to have to say bye to homes and neighborhoods and memories… Take out of school, get them adjusted…. if all goes well. And that’s my point. If all goes well, This is the reality of starting a relationship online. Given your own scenario what would it take for you to uproot your life in the long run? are you prepared to ask the other person to the same? This is thinking long term probably and also beating this topic to death… but it is the reality of it. Hopping on a plane to meet someone you are interested in is fine! its great! it adds a little adventure to your otherwise humdrum existence. But what if it goes great? Do you have the resources to make it work? Do you have the commitment? The Conviction? or is it a flight of fancy to meet at the empire state building on new years eve to share true loves first sweet kiss of bliss? I say go for it. I say get on that plane. Find your bliss. You need to do it…even if its to help you separate fact from fantasy… even if it is to test the convictions of your beliefs on love. I will call a person on it every time, and ask they make the decision without the drugs running through their brain. Its easy to sway a person under the influence of love to book a flight. Tough to get a person to do it when the soberness of reality sets in. I believe that at anytime, anywhere Timing, Proximity, and Chemistry will help you fall in love, will even help you find the perfect match here, there or anywhere! Bring it on I say! Now I’m sure that after reading this dissection of love that transcends borders, that the drugs of love may have switched off that glow of love you had about you when you first read the title of this blog. So I would say that with those love drugs out of your system, now would be the right time to make any decision you might have about your online tryst, long distance relationship or any variation thereof. There is another process that works too, and that is to fall madly in love with a person online, make the jump across borders and oceans in the heat of passion and a whirlwind of emotions; slap the first kiss on the other person and decide against all comers that “its going to work no matter what” as the sun shines above, the birds sing and rainbows shoot out of your behind… Only time will tell… I do know that the last Time I declared such a thing when the sun was shining, the birds were singing and rainbows were shooting out our behinds…. I got a divorce! lol! If you are in an online relationship, or found online love this process is a sobering fact that you will have to deal with at some point in order to take that online love, that online relationship to the next level; which is to make it real. Computer screens, texts, Skyping and telephones are no substitute for flesh and blood Love. Here is the process that has worked for so many others, it has transcended borders, oceans, languages and cultures. It basically mimics what would happen if you met the person of your dreams next door… except that door is a little further away. Attraction doesn’t buy the plane tickets, doesn’t keep you warm at night, but it does get the ball rolling. |
|||
|
More than anything else, finding love does depend on us actually, no? It would not matter how awesome the potential partner is, just like it wouldn't matter if it's the end of the world or in the middle of Mardi Gras. But then again, all external factors do have some leverage and we'll only be able to respond to it if it falls within our framework of reference(s)..... Is it all pre-destined? Do we have no control over who to fall in love with, or who we want to fall in love with us? As I've come to believe: it's all (well, almost all) in the mind... lol... A wise man said, "If you can dream it, it can be built..." But I also believe, "Build it, and they will come..." To that I'll add, “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” - Attributed to J W von Goethe Disclaimer: Be careful what you wish for, for you might get it! Have fun! 
| ||
|
holy, write a book? Much time on your hands?  I didn't reread this post, as I already read the shorter version yesterday... Come leave me some thoughts forujules I'd love to read them~xo~
| ||
9/29/2012 10:05 pm |
Very interesting post for all of those thinking in falling in love online. Dating someone online has more disadvantages than advantages. I guess it would be better to find local people from your area than traveling far away. Meeting someone online will never be the same as meeting someone face to face. Why would someone be interested in meeting a person who is overseas when they can meet so many people out there in their area? We live in a small world due to the internet and all the technological advances. There is only question remaining. How small is small?
| ||
|
Thank you for taking the time to write this excellent post. It gave me almost way too much food for thought. It did reinforce in my mind though, I need to get my shit together, get the other stuff (meaning debt) out of the way, so that - when that special person comes around, I am ready. To hop on a plane, jump into my car, or whatever is required. Check out my profile or and become a "watcher" of my blog FMAOPLS,to learn more about me, and for intelligent, lively, smartassy and fun discussion, with a little irreverence thrown in. "Like" or comment on my photos, and I promise I'll add more. Thanks.
|
Become a member to create a blog
