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| Blogs > titsandsmarts > StillLife (in an old girl yet) |
Frustration...
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Frustration... no, not that kind (well, OK, that kind as well...)! I had to come back north earlier than anticipated after Christmas, as work was calling in a rather plaintive manner - it's fascinating how everything kicks off a) whilst I'm in transit somewhere or b) trying to take a few days leave. That would be fine - after all, I am married to my work, and it's a lot easier to love one's family from a distance, though I didn't get to spend a lot of time with one of my brothers, who has just come back from Foreign. Though the amount of time I spent outside the Jaeger changing rooms in order to advise on suit trouser lengths on Friday almost made up for that - think the kind of Englishman who is actually straight, but is so alarmingly camp that people assume he's gay (odd, really, because the other one looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch/Jack Wills model, and is lethal to anything in a skirt as well as being a total clothes ). And I could cope with the six hour journey - after all, if you're stupid enough to travel on public transport in between Christmas and New Year, you've only got yourself to blame for trying to be environmentally friendly. But I am grumpy and cranky because the corsets I ordered a fortnight ago have finally arrived and I was eagerly looking forward to a trying on session as soon as I'd written a few reports, made a few calls and generally single-handedly brought peace to the world. I went a bit mad just before Christmas, in the online sales (and the temptation that is PayPal pay after delivery): and I love corsets - not just for the bedroom either. So I finally finished everything I can do at this stage, eagerly opened the parcel and was greeted with a myriad of tight lacing gorgeousness. I wasn't really planning on keeping them all (well, OK, I might have been: they were *seriously* reduced) - but I can't even keep one. Why? Because for the first time in human history, they were all too bloody big! I know my corsets - I know to knock at least 4 inches off (depending on the type of corset) in order to find the size, I even measured my waist to avoid the temptation to fantasise that I actually needed a 20" corset (for the record, I haven't had a 24 inch waist since about the same time I had a 24 inch bust - so well before puberty!). I opened the first bag, and slid out a lovely reversible waist training corset (6-7 inch reduction, with 24 wonderful steel bones) that I had planned to use for daily wear. It looked big - but then my clothes often do, because I am big. I unlaced the back, zipped the industrial strength zip up - and pulled a tiny bit: result - corset back entirely closed, and corset barely staying up alone (bless that 52" chest for its help in keeping me decent). No good, alas. I try the next one - a cute longline corset with a fun polka dot design. Same problem. And the next - a long green brocade. In frustration, I hopped upstairs, to get some purchases from last Christmas, which had been a little too small - plus a new longline green overbust I bought a few weeks ago. Every one of the bastard things was too bloody big. Yes, I am now officially frustrated. How can I be the slinkiest minx at the party I am planning on gate-crashing tomorrow if all my bloody corsets have room for me and a small delegation from the council inside? So now, having checked online and seen that I can't even exchange them for smaller sizes, as the next two sizes down are sold out, I am sitting on the sofa in my bra and jeans, sulking dramatically. Part of the reason it's hard to find something to fit is that I seem to have an abnormally long body (actually, I know this to be true - I have to have the "special" speculum when I go for smear tests. Do not ask. It's ugly.)so the standard 15" lengths just aren't long enough. (Though, mind you, I also struggle with jeans, as women's jeans usually come in a 29, and I'm a 33 - yet I'm not very tall: 175, which is about 5'8/9 ish in old money, I think...) So actually, it's not just corset makers, but also ladies' trouser manufacturers and speculum designers who are out to thwart me. And I am feeling thwarted as I sit here. Because I wasn't expecting to be up here for New Year, so I wasn't counting on being at this party. No - but I was looking forward to a New Year in new corsets: for the most tragic of reasons. I suffer agonies with my back. No doubt, I should take classes in the Alexander Technique, and spend less time with a rucksack over my shoulder or hunched over a computer. But what really, really eases things (in the absence of a talented gentleman friend with skilled thumbs) is a tight corset - absolute whimpering bliss! Clearly, this is just another sign that I am getting past it: instead of seeing corsets as kinky bedroom attire, they have now become pain-relieving prostheses... So not only do my bloody corsets not fit, I am also well over the hill. No wonder I'm frustrated! (Edit: OK, the reason that they're too big is because I've lost ten lbs. But oh, no, I'm not going to be happy about that - because a) it's not because my thyroid tablets have miraculously decided to work, but rather because I've been living on 400 calories a day since September - and it all seems to have shifted at once and b)I'm still fat as fuck so even *I* didn't notice... I clearly need something to take my mind off these deeply first world problems: perhaps I won't go out tomorrow with four gay couples, but will instead prowl about on here looking for a gentleman to bang my brains out so hard tomorrow that I won't even be able to remember my name, let alone that I can't find a corset that fits properly...) (Edit 2: they say whatever you are doing at midnight on New Year will set the tone for the rest of the year - so you shouldn't cry, for example, otherwise you'll be crying all year. After a bad experience in 2006 - I was getting fucked in the arse at midnight, which was great: until I spent the rest of the year having the same thing done to me, by people who weren't polite enough to ask first, and certainly didn't use lube... Perhaps<b> getting laid </font></b>tomorrow would lead to getting screwed all year!) |
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Happy New Year. I hope you get laid tonight if that bodes well for the year. I'm hopeful of getting laid tonight! 
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Firstly 400 calories a day is MADNESS !!!!!!!! Secondly, well if being fucked up the arse sets the tone for 2014, what time do you want me to arrive ( I was going to say come but thought better of saying that in front of the purveyor of smut ).Happy New Year from across the Pennines xxx
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Ah McSmarts, I like the way you write! And a happy new year to ye! 
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