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Mentally Drained, yet again ...
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Mentally Drained, yet again ... I've just finished climbing 40 feet of rope, my muscles are pumped, a thin film of sweat is starting to coat my arms and chest, I could feel their eyes on me each time I went further up, waiting to see if I could make it, afraid I would become a splatter on the concrete sidewalk below this big hackberry tree. I made it up, smooth like a seasoned veteran, I take a moment to admire the bulging muscles in my arms, I'm awed, I've never had muscles that bulged out when exerted. I climb up another 30 foot to put my rope around a 4 inch wide limb, this rope, around this limb, will be my most trusted object, for if it fails ... I die. I can't do my job without trusting this rope and the limb it's around, it feels good, I set it tight, push my sunshades up closer to my face, smile, start up my chainsaw, and set it to the dead limbs I came up here to remove. There, I started a blog, finally, surprisingly. I hate journals, diaries, blogs. I am a private shy person. I am me. Yet, here I am, finally setting up a blog. Why ... why ... why. Because I want to, scratch that, need to. I need to set free some of this inner conflict that I have controlled within my head and breast. Let out some of it, so I can get a fresh breath of life, energized, revigored. ok, enough of that, back to the blog... I enjoy working, I climb trees, use my chainsaw to cut down the dead limbs or the entire tree if it's dangerous. I love lifting the logs, throwing them onto our flatbed truck, pulling hundreds of pounds of brush to our chipper to watch it just simply eat all that brush. I've never had muscles that show, so I'm amazed each time I look in the mirror at myself. This job is good for my body, even if it is one of the top ten lethal occupations in the entire US. I'm good, strong, smart, powerful. I feel like a power player at work, the person everyone wants on their crew. Then I come home, and start having to juggle all the balls that are my hectic life. I try my damnest to keep all the most important ones going, the ones that have to be done now. One ball I'm juggling falls and bounces off the ground, I try to catch it on the bounce. I lose heart as I watch more of my juggled balls fall and drop one by one, but still I try to keep most of them up and going. I'm afraid, ... afraid that I will lose an important one, or worse, burn out and just stop ... let them fall all over. That's happened before ... 5 times ...last time was 4 years ago. Keep the important ones going ... love the wife, love the , make money to pay the bills, feed everyone, get to work on time, get the to school on time, relax and find time to keep my sanity. The rest tend to fall sometimes. Lately, the rest have been falling a LOT. I'm not superman, just a guy that tends to take on too much ... I push myself, and beat myself up when I'm not perfect at everything. I have become pretty good at a lot of things, and excellent in several more, but ... I'm just a guy, I'm not superman. Why? why do I force myself into the role of superman? Hell, I don't even care for him. Thankfully my wife realizes that I'm not superman. She loves me, always will love me, she also loves that I will take on so much without complaint without gripe without resentment. And it's true. I just hate myself each time I see a ball fall and bounce away from me ... I should be better, I can be better, it won't happen next time ... I won't let it ... it will happen sometime later I know this, but I won't accept that as an answer. It's hard, so very hard. I care a lot. I care a lot about my family. I care a lot about others. I am a goliath. I am strong, powerful, smart, brave. I am superman. I wish my life outside of work was as easy as work is. Each day I pray for strength dicipline wisdom. Each day I pray for healing, healing of the body, healing of the mind. Each day I pray for others, family members, others I have no knowledge of, others I know that need help ... I wish I could help more people more often. Each day, I pray for self forgiveness ... when I find I am not superman and watch another ball bounce away. My inner demons are fierce, my willpower is stronger, my passion is intense. The person I am is stronger because of the fire I have been forged through. I AM better now. I WILL be better later. Remember ... who you are ... where you have been ... what you will be ... Remember -out- Visit my blog if you want to at thax013 and thank you very much! |
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10/13/2010 8:07 pm |
Remember accept the things you canot change, change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference.. well something like that
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thank you for the kind comments.  Visit my blog if you want to at thax013 and thank you very much!
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hey there hun, i think that you have a good start going here on your blog... and remember you don't have to be superman around me  ...
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Thank you Growing up, I never cared for superman ... Too perfect, unrealistic. ... Now, I try to meet unrealistic goals. I understand that I won't meet them all the time, but still I strive to. I would succeed if I had the time and money ... something everyone needs more of. I do need to work on my self expectations. Thank you again for your comment. Visit my blog if you want to at thax013 and thank you very much!
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You're a bright and intelligent individual and a Man. With that comes responsibilities. Because you were given the gift of a brain and expectations of how to use it, you're not allowed to be overwhelmed with stress. You are definitely not alone my brother. Growing up relished in the fact that things came easy to me. But I also worried about expectations and others and my next move then started questioning and analyzing me then everything. It'll neverstop. Again I say to you, try not to worry and look for enjoyment in all you do. Always smile and never allow anything to upset you. I know, I know.... Easier said than done. But it has to be done! Post ("Mentally Drained, yet again
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