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Goyte - Eyes Wide Open
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Goyte - Eyes Wide Open Losing weight, losing sleep, no social life, and finding humor in the anger......this is my life. I've tried my best to be honest on here and alt. No fabrications or alterations....just things as I see them. May not always be true or worth reading but even boring whiny bitches like myself have a voice. And I think it's best I silence myself for a bit to figure things out. Here's what I need to resolve: I think I've been lying to myself for some time. And deep thought on committing to this lie shows a return to clawing at the walls and being sucked into another's world. Having to like what they like, being friends with their friends, and always being in the wrong with the guilty passing sentence. But is it a lie? From my perspective the past is gonna repeat itself. Guilt trips, shaming, demands, and lies and I will be powerless to change any of it. I will just sit and watch my existence become secondary to another's persona and image. Is that fair? Right now I see no good in sparing pain now for much greater torment down the road. But the right decision hasn't presented itself yet. And I don't have all the facts, nor will I ever get them for I only hear what they want me to hear and not the real truth. I could be wrong though, but that's how things seem to present themselves. It's no doubt the next few moons will present struggles and challenges and an addictive need to find answers. The answers I have to find within. I have to know if this is worth my sanity or my future. And right now I only see more of what happened to happen again. Time will tell. I'll either have metal grafted to my skin or another wish to take a dirt nap. I'm afraid of losing what my heart desires but more afraid of thinking that they don't. Edit: Echosmith - Tell Her You Love Her "We face our fears head on." Ron Swanson How much longer is this gonna continue. Opposing sides butting heads in search of the truth, and truth is a matter of facts. Facts contain no moral judgement; they merely state what is. Not what we think of them or how we feel; they just are (thank you, Daredevil). And being too close to issue can distort the distinction between fact and opinion causing one to be the other in our minds; I bear guilt in that. Looking to the past can cause distortion as well; stating our opinion as fact when we think it suits the situation. There's a phrase that epitomizes this and brought on a long bout of laughter: "You knew how I felt." For the readers of alt it's no secret that a great deal of time has been spent of trying to ascertain the facts behind how a person felt. And in that time no clear solution presented itself; only facts geared toward another party. Fear was the main driving force preventing full disclosure of the facts and opinions filled the void. What happened, happened and the true motive behind it may never be known; only our interpretation of facts can provide closure. But that phrase....is 100% pure Kentucky fried bullshit. The facts make it so. The biggest question from all this: Why continue to look behind instead of forward? The answer lies in that phrase. Committing to something that means your future should not be built on bullshit; double if it involves saying "I do." Some people may not take that seriously. I do. And the more pieces of this puzzle I find the worse the picture becomes. But the past is in the past; nothing can change what happened. All we can do is learn from it and move forward. But these questions keep coming up and the pursuit of the facts is neverending. We just have to open up for the answers even if we don't like what they are. Formtek - Dreams For Those Who Are Awake When I moved from Nashville to New Orleans I made a detour to Huntsville. I drove to Space Camp, and was only to snap a picture of the front entrance before moving on. Eight times I went as a youth; had so many wings the lanyard wouldn't fit over my head. But on that trip of running away from a mother of four, it was nice to visit where I would find solace from a world I didn't belong. Crazy about You - Your Voice Is The Echo of The Mountains "So Grandma told me something interesting..." It's amazing what truth tragedy can reveal. After watching Flowers of War my opinion of the Japanese changed a bit, and after some digging/stalking my perceptions of what it meant to be in a relationship changed drastically. But when I learned something monumental about my parents, my opinion of them didn't change one bit. When we truly feel a certain way about someone that doesn't change no matter what skeletons lay in their closet; unless they're a nazi or secretly collecting cookie cars filled with<b> doll </font></b>heads. When my whole life turned upside down due to things beyond my knowledge or control, I kept asking "why?" but didn't take the time to examine the truth of the matter. Just kept trying to make sense of the insanity in the dark without a flashlight or sense of direction (terrible writing, I know). And leaving all that madness behind is providing a chance for clarity. In that clarity lies a decision to be made, but the right choice is shrouded in uncertainty; mainly due to not knowing my true feelings when the shit storm hit. Will the truth change my opinion or feelings? I don't know, but the time of fun is at an end. Time to pick the weaker poison and see if I pull through. Is it strange to feel a connection from simple eye contact? Two people on opposite sides of a room coming together for an instant. No intention or expectation. I know it wasn't my imagination. Owsey & Reostone - Broke My Promise & Stared to the Sea I just finished the first season of Gilmore Girls ending on the leads being reunited with their prospective suitors and things looking up for the two love-stricken women. But this being show that ran for seven seasons it's no doubt that things will come crashing down only to rise up again with different romantic interests. And as the day wore on I read some articles on LDR communication, which doesn't make sense because I'm not in a relationship at the moment; at least I don't think so even though my ex beckons me to return. But I keep thinking on what it means to be in a relationship either 30 or 3,000 miles apart. What's the defining characteristic that separates it from friendship? If this is a friendship it's weird, and if it's a relationship it's weird; either way it's weird, gray, and very one-sided. And the more I let the situation ruminate, the more it seems that drifting apart is inevitable. Everything happens for a reason. Once the romance and connection have gone all you're left with is two people together solely out of having a shared past. Aren't relationships about looking to the future? I don't like where things are going, but I can't stop what's gonna happen. Oh well, that's life... The Lumineers - Stubborn Love I'd be lying if I didn't say I found the current status of things funny if not ironic; justified is a bit harsh but there is that thought of "this is what you wanted." And as much as I would want to stand on a mountain and laugh, that's an evil thing to consider. It's not gentlemanly to find joy in another's misfortune. Anyway....I did some reading on the concept of true love and soul mates today, and the further I read and tried to relate to my situation the more my head spun. As far as I can gather, the notion of there being only one person for you is hogcock. There are many people you meet in your life that click and are reflections of yourself. What made my head spin is why I feel so strongly about this one person when reality and logic say to move on. And my mind keeps going back to that night when shit went south; when I felt abandoned. If everything I've read is true then all I've experienced in the last year and a half is just a phase and in time I'll grow out of it. And honestly it seems to be going that way; relationships should show caring and effort, not indifference and guilt. But there is a small part that feels the way I felt that night; that if I let this go I'll regret it for the rest of my days. I can't stop what's meant to happen so it's beyond my control or ability to care, but I don't think I'm done fighting yet. But to constantly fight a one-sided battle is fool's errand. I don't know what to do, say, or how to react to this because it's nothing I've ever experienced before now. All I can do is keep being myself and find the humor in this craziness. Hopefully in time everything will fall into place. Dead Battery - The Furry Stranger I think I'm stirring up trouble again; poking a sleeping bear to see if it's sleeping. I've been reading on signs that show LDRs fading, and they apply to more than being worlds apart. They show the amount of effort people are willing to put in regarding how the view the relationship. And that's where I might be screwing up; I see it as a high priority when, in reality, it might be something trivial and passing. That was the case last year for me. I saw it as more important than it actually was and now being 3,000 miles away I still see it as a matter of importance. Granted that line of thinking has not brought forth the best decision making, and now that I'm not overthinking and emotionally compromised I'm at a loss on how to approach fading interest. I'm going to find a solution in this edit or even sleeping on it. The best way is to just sit, and wait and let things unfurl as they should. But if I am right in seeing the connections between my readings and what's happened....then there's nothing to be done and all this worrying is for naught. Such is life. Kermukine - Sky Lanterns Continuing on the edit above, I've been gathering notes for my upcoming to see my ex. Truth be told, I don't know what to expect but I fear that nothing will get accomplished. This isn't a priority for her; hasn't been for some time. The things that matter in your life show by how you talk about about and treat them, and by just observing I seemed to be a chore and wasn't worth her time; might be exaggerating but I was at the bottom of the list for some time. So here I am revving up to try and see if this has a future or not. Why did this have to be my first? Amoeba - Ascend There's a line a ways up this post about a moment of eye contact.That's all it was; no names, confusion, anxiety, or even exchange of bodily fluids. One moment where two people shared the same idea, and that sparked jealous insecurity from uncertain dishonesty. The truth can sometimes be harsh and ugly. But if we're not honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with others? If you respect someone you'll be honest with them consistently whether or not anyone wants to hear it. Salt Of The Sound - Dwell Among Us Another example of things coming back. Bought a book on codependency while back and turns out I was codependent last year; beat that to death. But I'm still angry; not for what happened but for not atoning. It's a problem I share with my father; not only to be right but have others prove I'm right. But back to the codependency shows why I had to move. My relationship became my identity and I lost that because somebody got "confused." My actions are my own, along with my insanity so that's my fault/problem; no surprise there. Only this is an obsession I can't fix or solve; time is what's needed. Lowercase Noises - It Reminded Me of a Very Old Place "Fuck you, I didn't lie." Told ya, it's a problem I have; not only to be right but to prove that I'm right. And it really displeases me when someone doesn't respect you enough to be upfront about their feelings, even when they're not sure about them. Two characters I resonate well with in ASOIAF is Davos and Stannis, and in an episode of GOT they discuss hard truths; the kind that can remind us of our faulty perceptions. Every time I try to reveal a hard truth, it's met with a "fuck you." I've been told that a lot in the last few months. And I've had to face a few hard truths about myself as well. And the more text digging I do, the more I see an emotional affair loom its head. How can you be yourself around someone but not around the person you're dating? "Hard truths cut both ways." |
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