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Rcksngr's Guide to Caveman Sex
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Rcksngr's Guide to Caveman Sex Rcksngr’s Guide To Caveman Sex Introduction….. The Caveman & Everyday Life… handsome he wasn’t Caveman Foreplay… did it exist? Sex & The Caveman Appetite Caveman Favorites The Caveman In A Nutshell Caveman Conclusion Introduction For years, perhaps since the founding of modern science, the “caveman” has remained a man of mystery. Though science can prove some things about how he lived - the tools he used, how he communicated, and how his culture developed, little is known of his sex life, desires and ways of gittin his freak on with the cave girl’s. Perhaps it is because bones, tools and clay pots can be preserved through the ages… but the bone I’m going to talk about can’t be preserved… flesh does not survive the ravages of time. What this guide will attempt to do is to study the possibilities of what the caveman’s sex life might have been like and how it can be used by the modern man to attract, keep and satisfy the cave girl in his life… all with the tongue in cheek humor that has given Rcksngr his reputation. The bottom line is we’re gonna have fun with this and put a new spin on the caveman and maybe give you ultra creative, adventurous people some new weapons in your arsenal of love. For the men we’ll give you some perspective on where you come from and what makes you the man you are or the man you could be. For the women we’ll give you some appreciation of the caveman in your man that’s either awake and fully aware or ready to bust out all over you… figuratively speaking of course. The Caveman & Everyday Life… handsome he wasn’t For starters, we all have a good idea of what the caveman probably looked like from our 10th grade biology books. But if you can’t remember back that far, first put the peace pipe down, say no to the Mad 20/20 and picture Patrick Ewing, the center for the Georgetown Hoyas and the New York Knicks basketball teams and you have a good idea. An attractive fella he wasn’t. But let’s face it…. his environment wasn’t an attractive one. It was awfully dangerous and rugged. Archeologists have discovered animals of huge proportions. Centipedes as big as large snakes, grand-daddy long legs as big as small dogs, crocodiles up to 50 feet long, not to mention the more obvious ones like saber tooth tigers, T-rex’s and the like. So taking a romantic stroll through the park hand in hand with your favorite cave girl wasn’t a safe pastime in his day. He would have probably ended up being some roaming creatures lunchtime snack. His day, from the moment he woke till the minute he slept, would have been about survival. Gathering food, water, provisions, dealing with harsh weather and little protection from it and defending the tribe and it’s living area from predators and roaming beasts of every sort. And we think we have it tough bringing home the bacon? This guy had to go out amongst an environment of roving predators, some of whom were as big as a freakin’ bus with teeth the size of an orange road cone, just to kill for his bacon. This guy would have loved it if the worst thing he had to deal with was bad traffic or a boss yelling at him… at least our boss can’t eat us!! Granted, he didn’t have to deal with telemarketers, bad drivers or a government taxing him into poverty. But I’ll take our modern day problems any day of the week over what he had to deal with. He woke from under some smelly animal fur for a blanket… he didn’t have the luxury of front load washers and dryers, fabric softener, static sheets or a bottle of Febreze. Having slept all night on the cold ground or the rock floor inside a cave I’m sure he had plenty of backaches in his day. Say thank you the next time you climb onto your Sleep Number Bed, Serta mattress or Temper Posturepedic underneath that nice warm down comforter or electric blanket. He probably rose in the morning to a laundry list of duties…. gathering food for breakfast, tending to the fire, gathering water, fire wood or any other provisions they may have needed. After the morning chores they may have headed out to hunt for the day. Hunting everything from small animals to something as large as a wooly mammoth. The nice thing about bringing down a wooly mammoth would have been the steaks… and man talk about some ribs? Wonder if they had barbecue sauce? But I digress… that big ole monster would have probably provided food for a good while, depending on the size of the tribe. The cave women would have probably spent their day gathering food as well, nuts, berries, fruits, etc… as well as tending to the cave boys and girls. Think about that life ladies the next time you’re doing the dishes… and I wonder what they did with babies? Diapers weren’t invented yet and they didn’t have baby food. Breast feeding wasn’t an option in those days I guess… it was a must!! Not to mention making pots and tools, preparing foods and keeping the cave fresh and clean. And all this without any of our modern day conveniences. The same old smelly fur’s day after day, probably bug and flea infested. Taking potty breaks in the woods and wiping with god knows what. I bet rashes were quite rampant… I wonder how many cave men and women wiped with poison ivy or poison oak before they started saying… “me no wipe with funny green leaf.” They also didn’t have the benefit of today’s technology. No air conditioning, no showers, no deodorant, no radio or television. He lived in caves and other not so nice places, was exposed to the elements, ate raw foods for the most part, never got a hair cut, a body wax or even a shower. No soap, no shampoo, no hair dryers or curling irons, no finger nail clippers. No aspirin, no cold medicines, and damn… no valium!! No vacuum cleaners, Swiffers or feather dusters. No power tools or even a screw driver. So let’s cut the guy a little slack in the looks department. We wouldn’t look too much better without all the modern day conveniences… and damn the guy probably never had the pleasure of seeing a waxed or freshly shaved beaver…. damn we’re lucky these days. He would have been, by today’s standards, more like the rugged out-doorsy type… into hunting and fishing, bad odors and bodily functions and if flannel had been invented he would have surely been wearing it with regularity. It‘s a shame that the inventions of pick-up trucks, Budweiser, potato chips and pork rinds were still a few years off … but what else would you expect from a guy who lived in caves, ate wooly mammoth’s and had to fight off saber toothed tigers and T-Rex’s ? He certainly wouldn’t have been a metro-sexual… shit they didn’t have hair gel, gold chains, mirrors, open collar shirts, tweezers, hair removal systems, hair plugs, convertibles, or anything else a metro-sexual requires. Have you ever seen a metro-sexual in a animal hide? Maybe a faux animal hide g-string… but that’s as close as he would come. So lets review how our man of the hour may have appeared…. 1) Scraggly hair… Pert Plus wasn’t invented yet 2) A large, sloping forehead and receding hair line… the Hair Club for Men could have had it’s first president and customer way back when… 3) A forward jutting head… can anyone say Alley Oop? 4) A muscular neck… probably caused by manual labor and holding up that big ass head 5) Muscular shoulders, chest and upper back… nice but probably all hairy 6) Lean, muscular, hairy arms… maybe they were the first Greek, Italian or Persian men? 7) Powerful hands… probably dirty from digging in the dirt… can you imagine his nails?  Abs… no ab buster or crunches… Just good ole manual labor…9) Legs… probably lean and muscular as well… no taxi’s, cars, buses… and I can’t see him thumbing a ride on the local Triceratops or T-Rex… this is reality not the Flintstones… 10) Feet… probably reminiscent of the Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings and Sasquatch… 11) And yes, what all you ladies have been waiting for… The Penis…. and it’s many, many knick names… His tool, his ram rod, and the piston of love… His power tool, his screwdriver, the screw, his club… His jackhammer, his rambone, his pole and his man-hammer… His manhood, his bone, his tube steak, the frankfurter… His polish sausage, his hot dog, his pipe and his schlong… His twig and berries, the injector, and the mighty kong… His peter, his willy, and his good ole ding-dong… His pee-pee, his wee-wee, the high hard one… His python of love, the soaker and the revered family jewels… His pocket rocket, his shaft, and his pocket pool cue… His helmet, the hard-on, the cock and the stick… His one eyed monster, his pecker and his prick… His heat seeking moisture missile, his second brain… His fuck-stick, his ride, his sledge or his thang… His bologny pony, the jizz pump and the ole virgin killer… His squirt gun, his hose and the mighty bun splitter His purple headed monster, his shaft and his dick… His chin bruiser, his injector, and his purple headed lick stick… His quarter pounder with sleeze, and the one-eyed monster His purple headed alien and the purple rock lobster… His zipper flipper, his trouser trout, his meat, his vein… His penetrator, his ventilator, a mixture of knick names… His purple headed alien, the veiny one, his snake, his worm… And last but not least the incredible one-eyed wonder worm… Since the essence of this manual is the caveman’s sex life, love style and how it translates into today’s language of love… this bears some “fleshing out”…. (I know… bad pun.) Like modern day man he would have faced the same issues regarding his man tool… Size Differences… he could have been hung like a brail dot, ho-hum average or hung like a Budweiser Clydesdale Staying Power… he could either hump like a bunny and cum just as quick or fuck till the saber tooth tigers came home Erectile Dysfunction… yep, that’s right guys, no little blue pills, or poorly timed TV commercials… “daddy what’s erectile dysfunction?“ Premature Ejaculation… enough said Hard-on’s… always at the most inopportune times… like when in front of the class doing cave drawings, meeting his new girlfriends mom, while changing in the cave locker room around the other cavemen, or when the tribe doctor was saying “turn your head and cough” Circumcised or Uncircumcised… no option here… he was hanging out long before the Old Testament Jews came along with a sharp knife Caveman Foreplay… did it exist? Another thing that came to mind for me was did the caveman get into foreplay? Or did he just have a different idea of what foreplay was? My initial feeling was that he probably didn’t care much for whether the cave girl liked sex or not… that just wasn’t his style. So ladies, as disappointing as this may sound, the caveman probably wasn’t big on eating pussy. Besides, like the caveman the cave girl would not have been prone to bathing with great regularity. And forget about waxing or shaving…. after all, Massengil’s douches were yet to be invented and bath beads, scented oils and perfume were pretty far off too…. I don’t think Au De La Saber Tooth or Scent of the Wooly Mammoth would have been easy to market… Shaved beavers would have been a “non-option” as well… if you would have said “shaved beaver” to a caveman he would have gotten this mental image of a four legged animal building dams and gnawing on trees in the buff. Foreplay to the caveman could probably be summed up quite simply… he saw, he liked, and he took…. common foreplay for the caveman would have probably involved things like<b> clubbing </font></b>the cave girl unconscious so he could have her with no resistance, grabbing her by the hair and forcing her to blow him, smacking her around, or maybe offering her some raw meat from a recent kill…. Though foreplay would not have been his strong suit I imagine that his form of love making would have still been enticing to some women today. Sometimes a woman just wants you to come home from work, drop the lunch pail and just fuck the living shit out of her. If you don’t believe me guys just try it sometime and see if she isn’t up early the next morning making you a french toast breakfast in bed and sending you off to work with a smoking morning blow job… So just try it…. no asking, no foreplay, no astro-glide and certainly no messing with buttons or playing nice-nice. Just rip the buttons right off the blouse, rip the pants down, yank up the skirt, tear off the panties and just take her like an animal. Pull her hair, slap her ass, call her a bitch or a slut, bend her over, pin her against the wall, on the floor, the kitchen counter top, the living room carpet, cum on her face, make her swallow, fuck her in the ass…. I think you get the idea… is that a hell yea I heard from the ladies section? And ladies, don’t think you’re off the hook here either. If this is the kind of sex you’ve always wanted to try, if you’ve ever wanted to write that one page in your diary that no one could ever read. If you want to call all your girlfriends the next day just giggling your cute little asses off, then you can make it happen. A lot of times the guys don’t want to try this move with you for fear of offending you or hurting your feelings… after all, wasn’t it you, the lady, who on the second date said “I’m not that kind of girl” and then several hours later you were sucking him off and swallowing in your parents driveway? If I had a nickel for every time a girl said that one to me…. now, when a girl says that I’m immediately thinking “yea baby I’m gonna be knocking the bottom out of her ass tonight” so ladies….give that old tired line a rest cuz most of us ain’t buying it anymore. So, ladies, if that’s the kind of sex you want to try, TELL US!!! We’ll fucking do it!!! So the next time your at the dinner table just look at him hungrily, snarl a little… watch Rocky or some UFC cage fighting matches the night before and get that fighters snarl going. Let him know you want it and you want it hard. Bite a celery stick really hard and yank it out of your mouth and just look at him as if to say… come on big boy fuck me like a silver back gorilla in heat mother fucker… get the picture? Since we’re still in the foreplay section we’ll delve into this a little further later on. I even have a few “to-do” lists to help you guys and gals out. Things that will make you that one dark page in the diary that no one can read. So back to foreplay… being the kind of out-doorsy, rugged type, I’m sure he wasn’t much into it. We already covered the unsanitary side a little. I’m thinking that the caveman may have invented the word “beaver” when some nasty un-bathed cave girl tried to push his face down there and he thought… “this smell like nasty rotten dead beaver… me no lick that!” Now I’m sure the cave girls thought the same of his uncircumcised, unclean member. Probably looked like a gnarled club that had been dragged through the mud for a while behind a pick-up truck… but the difference was that she would have probably been forced to go down on him. Can you see her saying no? This was long before women’s lib ladies. This guys been out all afternoon wrestling T-Rex’s, wooly mammoths and saber toothed tigers… the cave girl would have been easy prey… you suck me now cavewoman!!! And he probably had a big ole club too… she wasn’t gonna say no… not if she was smart. So I think the caveman probably got some foreplay but did no giving. He may have fondled a little… I think even the caveman loved a nice set of bewbies or a nice ass. I’m sure he did some slapping in his day too… both on the ass and upside the head… but I don’t think that counts as foreplay…. well, maybe to some women. And if that wasn’t bad enough for the ladies… I don’t think much kissing went on either. Can you imagine the oral hygiene? Oh wow. Even if kissing was invented then who would have wanted too? Here’s the caveman… rotten teeth, missing teeth, crooked teeth, with chunks of brontosaurus burgers stuck in them… not a pretty sight. And his breath must have smelled like rotten Stegosaurus ass or something. And I’m sure the cave girls weren’t sporting Paris Hilton type smiles either. That led me to another possibility… sex toys. To me they can be a form of foreplay. I can’t think of not being excited to watch a lady work it with her 12”, double headed rubber dick or her 10” magic missile or the good ole silver bullet. So to me, sex toys qualify as foreplay if used correctly. So could there have been sex toys? I guess there could have been. A big ole wooly mammoth bone may have served a cave girl well. But it forces me to think of the possibility of a cave girl sybian… a big ole dinosaur bone strapped to the back of a small dinosaur just a bucking away… but I digress. The lack of modern day technology would have limited her choices quite a bit… but I’m sure she could still rub one out with ole digits. After all, as long as a lady has fingers she has a sex toy. And what about bi-sexuality? As far as the ladies go I don’t think it was happening. Again, the whole sanitary thing would have put the kybosh on that idea. But could the ladies have rubbed one out together? I guess it’s possible but I think it unlikely. I doubt that it existed much amongst the cavemen either though it was probably more of a possibility there. Men have always been that horny. I mean horny enough to find any hole attractive. And ladies, you know the kind of man I’m talking about. I can see one caveman being just horny enough to try it out… mmmm Ugh look good picking up firewood… me likey… me think me likey Ugh…. or the caveman version of Deliverance… Ugh… you look just like warthog… now you drop fur… don’t say nothin Ugh just do it… squeel like warthog Ugh…squeel…. Ugh have pretty mouth…. So I think the caveman’s sex life was probably very non-descript in the foreplay area. Not because of lack of desire or intent… but it was just the times in which they lived. Sex & The Caveman Appetite There is one thing I am sure of beyond any doubt… we modern day men definitely got our insatiable sex drives from the caveman. We may have perfected our abilities somewhat, but, there was definitely something to be said for the caveman’s unique stylings. He was rough around the edges, sometimes brutal in his tactics, but, in his own unique way he was quite the man and lover. He didn’t do it with finesse, style or flair like we think of it in our day. He didn’t come home with flowers, do the dishes in hopes that he would win favor with his woman, buy her jewelry or a nice car. He came home grabbed her by her hair and said, “Unga Bunga Baby!!!” Now how many ladies have we known in our lives that like the rugged outdoorsy type? The guy that could hunt, build and addition on the house, build a muscle car from mason jars full of scrap nuts and bolts, fart, belch and drink Budweiser by the case in a single evening? This guy is the modern version of our caveman ancestors. Now the appetite hasn’t changed much…. I don’t know about you guys but I could screw three times a day or in one evening session… heaven knows we can masturbate that much so why not have sex that much? If we were only able to find women who would put out like that we’d be in heaven. Problem is, most women who put out like that need a hundred spot each time, their nympho’s who could never be happy with one man, or they’re just complete psycho’s who are one session from doing their Lorainna Bobbitt impersonation with a dull butter knife. Now if we’ve been lucky we’ve stumbled on a woman like this once, twice, maybe three times in our life but it never lasted. Something always screws it up somehow and like it or not we men often become bored getting the same nookie night after night, even if it’s off the hook good. Lets face it, the monogamy thing is tough. Why is that? Well, it goes back to our caveman brothers appetite. This guy wanted to spread his seed. He wanted to nail everything he could lay eyes on. It’s like mating and making little cavemen was encoded on his DNA like code on a computer chip. He couldn’t help it. Can you help being hungry? Can you help having to go to the bathroom? It’s natural, it’s what we’re programmed to do. But like it or not, our appetite can get us in some real trouble. Can anyone say support? Herpes? VD? AIDS? So, what to do? The bottom line is - as guy’s we have to get the appetite under control. We need to pretend like we’re getting back in shape and cutting back on the Whoppers with bacon and settle in with one smoking hot little lady who makes our toes curl. That girl who makes you squirm like a in church, makes you scream like a little girl or yell like Tarzan when you bust a nut. I know it’s asking a lot, but we gotta do it guys. There’s just too much at risk to play the field for too long or to stay in the fight for too many rounds. So buckle down and find that woman who really moves you, make some babies and let her handle that caveman appetite of yours. Caveman Favorites Lets get down to some nitty gritty and discuss some caveman favorites, some techniques that you might find useful. For starters lets remember that if you really want to lay down some caveman moves foreplay is out. There will be no eating pussy, slowly undressing her, making out or anything like that. So here’s one scenario. Your heading home from work and you just spent the day on the construction site watching hotties go in and out of the mall nearby. All day it’s been nothing but titties jiggling, asses swaying, hair blowing in the wind, low blouses, tight pants, mini skirts… you get the picture. So you’re heading home in the pick-up truck, you’ve procured your nightly beverage and all you need now is a good old fashioned fuck fest. You get home and you’re fired up like a 4 year old fat in a cookie factory. And there she is, the love of your life, your dream woman, the mother of your … ok, I’m overdoing it… it’s the ole lady and she’s there at the sink doing the dishes. She’s not all fixed up or sporting a hot cocktail dress. But damn, after the day you had she’s looking real good in her house clothes and an apron. So let it go guys. Get beyond the fact that she’s not at her hottest right now. She’s been home with the all day or at work herself and she’s not ready for this. But that’s what makes it beautiful. You walk in and drop the six pack on the counter. You don’t say anything. Not a word. You just strut across the kitchen with that look in your eye. That look you had back in high school when you were getting ready to lay a hit on the guy you hated most at football practice. That look you had when Bobby Jones said your mother was fat and ugly in the sixth grade. She see’s you coming and probably asks, “what’s the matter?” Don’t say a word. Just grab her and throw her against the cabinets. Rip that apron off and throw it on the floor. Disregard what she’s wearing and just rip it off. I don’t care how nice it might be. Don’t worry about buttons, zippers, hooks, straps or any of that crap. Just tear her clothes off. Just to warm her up a little, smack her ass, squeeze her tits and pull her hair. Still without uttering a word. If she tries to speak tell her to shut up. If she tries again tell her, “I said shut up and fuck me.” Don’t even bother to take anything off. Just drop your pants and shove her down on her knees. If the flannel shirt gets in the way just rip it off and toss it aside. Make her suck you like you’re a popsicle on a 105 degree day in New Mexico. Grab her hair and just short of causing her to black out from choking just fuck her face like it’s a big ole wet cooter. Then when you’re ready, pull her up and throw her over the island and take her from behind. Hammer her like she’s a piece of old concrete you’re breaking up with a sledge hammer. There should be nothing but skin slapping, screams of joy from her and grunts from you. Smack her ass, pull her hair and talk as nasty as you can while you’re doing it. Then when you’re ready spin her around and shove her back down on her knees and blow your load all over her face. Make her lick it off your piece, all the while telling her what a hot piece of ass she is and anything else nasty that comes to mind. If clean up is needed afterward, use her discarded clothes to wipe yourself off. It makes a statement. Now this is known as the “Honey I’m Home” approach. This moves us to the caveman classic… “the bump and hump.” It’s similar to the previous scenario, but a little more brutal. This technique takes real expertise since you need to be able to pull off the bump part without causing permanent damage or getting charged with assault, or both. Now this was probably the most popular technique used by the caveman in his day and he was an expert. I’m sure many hours were spent in the front yard of the cave with cave-daddy training cave-boy how to do it properly. It was probably the caveman equivalent to tossing the ball in the yard with his boy. Now lets tell it from the caveman point of view…. It all starts with spotting your potential partner…. she’s probably gathering food, water or firewood and man does she look hot in that wooly mammoth skin or that leopard spotted dress. Just picture Wilma Flintstone or Betty Rubble only a little rougher looking…. Ok a lot rougher looking…. There she is, in all her cave girl glory, totally unaware of what’s about to happen. And that’s the way it needs to be. If she’s suspicious it just won’t work. So you have to make your approach slow and gradual. You can’t just run up and pull this one. The element of surprise is the caveman’s friend. So the caveman just kind of wanders around kicking the dirt, whistling the favorite caveman tune of the day, not having a care in the world. As the distance closes he springs his attack. He catches her with his trusty club right in the back of the head. Just hard enough to knock her silly but do no permanent damage. Then, as she’s down and wondering what hit her you give her the old ‘what fer’. No style, no finesse, just mount up and go cowboy. Now the most important part of the bump and hump maneuver is to get out quick before daddy caveman see’s his being taken like a wild animal. One thing no caveman needs is a pissed off dad looking for him… ain’t far to run in the clan cave after all. But, the one thing in the caveman’s favor is that their weren’t any police in those days so if he pulls it off he’s in good shape. He just needs to remember to look innocent when the grunting questions come in the cave…. He can’t look like a satisfied and happy caveman. Now one way to find out if a potential mate is what you’re looking for in a woman is to practice a tried and true, “Caveman Approach to Choosing a Spouse.” This is one way, if you truly are the caveman type of guy, of being sure….she’s the one for you!!! Next time you’re at a bar, walk up to this hottie, smile and grunt. If you can manage a belch or some good ole Kentucky windage, that’s good too. If she smiles or giggles, you may have chosen wisely, Grasshopper. If her response is positive to this point, make your interest more obvious. Move closer and rub your cock on her thigh, ass, hip… anywhere it reaches. Maybe throw in some grunting. Again, if her response is positive - meaning she doesn’t slap you, throw a drink in your face, knee you in the groin, call for security or run screaming - then you’re batting a thousand. Now it’s time really let her know you mean business. Smack her ass or squeeze her tit’s. Again, if she responds positively, you’ve hit a grand slam brother. You’ve got the green light… this girl’s ready to get cave funky with your ass. So, it’s time to make the commitment now. No ring or anything… that ain’t the caveman style. Just grab her by the hair and drag her to the nearest remote location available. The coat closet, the janitor’s closet, the elevator, your hotel room, the parking lot, the back of your Ford F-150, your van that has the “Love Machine” license plates, the bushes, a local park, your house, your mom’s house, your brothers house… all are acceptable locations for the true caveman. Now marriage is highly recommended if she insists on a second date afterward. If the police show up the next morning… she wasn’t a true keeper. Maybe she wanted a caveman style adventure, but, she woke up the next morning and had regrets. Quite possibly the chin and thigh bruising, the sore cooter and/or ass, the finger bruised breasts and the bite marks changed her mind. Another caveman classic is the “Drop & Pop” maneuver. It’s one of my personal favorites. Now this is a little easier on the lady than some of the previous caveman tactics and might work well for you men who are a little less “rough around the edges.” Next time you’re out on a date or out trolling at the local slop and puke, find the lady in the room that really gets your zipper stressing. Ask her to dance or join her at the bar for a drink. Once you feel you’ve got the vibe working and there is some mutual interest… anything from a knowing glance to the take me home and fuck me line girls love so much, just grab her and carry her like a sack of potatoes. Throw her over your shoulder or do the ole hip carry, doesn’t matter which. Do not stop for anything. Fuck the tab, saying bye to all your friends, don’t even retrieve your coat. Just head straight to your vehicle with her in hand. Throw her in and drive to the nearest available location. Any of the ones mentioned in the previous scenario will work fine. Follow any of the techniques for true caveman loving styles and leave her with something to remember. The Caveman In A Nutshell The most important thing for all cavemen to remember is that she must always wake up in the morning with something to show for the encounter. You must have left a mark or some type of memorable impression. The true caveman would have it no other way. Any or all of the following qualify as “Caveman Memories” to the true cave girl at heart: A bruise or knot on her head. Fingerprint bruises on any part of her body, her ass, tits, arms, legs, shoulders, ankles, wrists, thighs. Bruises in general. Red marks. Drag marks. Rug burns. Imprints. Handprints. Bite marks. Severe razor burn from your unshaven face. Cum stains on her clothing. Dried cum anywhere on her body. Her hair, around her mouth, on her thighs, on her tits or face. Missing hair. Her eyes are stuck shut from dried cum. If she squishes when she walks. Has a noticeable limp. She now stutters. Torn clothing. Missing clothing. No clothing. Waking up in jail. Waking up in the hospital. Waking up somewhere you’ve never been or remember being. Waking up in a public place, nude or close to it. Waking up because the cops are demanding entry. Waking up tied up or handcuffed. Cum stains on her drapes or furniture. Cab fare missing from her purse. Her cat or pet is cringing in the corner. Her parrot has suddenly acquired the ability to yell like Tarzan. Her parrot now screams, “Fuck me…oh God fuck me”. Her hot sister has gone missing. Her MILF mom has gone missing. Any attractive female member of the family has gone missing. All attractive female family members or room mates are missing. Her previous boyfriend/spouse is unconscious on the doorstep. The neighbors are on strike out front of her house. Her bed is broken. Broken furniture in general. Her car is missing. She hasn’t shown up for work in days. Her diary has a new entry… just a page with a big “X” on it. Her jaw hurts. Her ass hurts. Her pussy hurts. Everything hurts. Her toes are permanently curled. Her hair is now curly where it was straight the night before or vice versa. Her ceiling fan(s) and/or light fixture(s) are broken from someone swinging on them. Holes in the walls the approximate shape and size of one of her body parts. Drywall dust in her hair, on her forehead or face, elbows or knees or her back. All her panties and lingerie are strewn about the room. Her refrigerator is empty. Especially if there was beer in it. Brie, quiche and salads would be untouched or flushed. Her liquor cabinet is empty excepting bottles of wine or champagne. Strange marks on her ceiling. Her drawer of sex toys has been emptied. All her porn DVD’s and tapes are gone. All her Air Supply, Hanson, Banano-Rama, Wham, George Michael, Elton John, Melissa Ethridge, REO Speedwagon, Depeche Mode and Vanilla Ice CD’s or tapes are destroyed. Her pet Rottweiller, Mastiff or Pit Bull is missing. Any pictures of previous spouse’s or boyfriends would be smashed. Her “blackbook” is missing. Anything scented - candles, potpourri, fabreze, Lysol, deodorant, etc… is in the trash can. Her toilet is clogged. Anything pink has been trashed. Anything frilly is trashed. animal Control is searching her neighborhood the next morning due to reports of a "roaming, howling creature" in the neighborhood. Caveman Conclusion I hope you have all found this tongue-in-cheek look into the lifestyle and sexual proclivities of the caveman interesting, informative and most of all fun. If you found yourself chuckling, laughing out loud or rolling on the floor laughing your ass off, great!!! That was the point. The bottom line is - I hope you enjoyed the read and it brightened your day a little. If you’d like to comment you can always email me on Senior Sizzle. Yours Truly, Rcksngr66 of Rckpaperpearl |
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