Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Forgot password?
Blogs > lala_alldaylong > I'm blogging here!

Presumption of sex when meeting up with an ex  

lala_alldaylong 34F
535 posts
5/29/2009 6:08 am
Presumption of sex when meeting up with an ex

When I went away to college last fall my boyfriend and I broke up. I was going to be in New York and he was going to school in Pennsylvania and with each of us starting new chapters in our lives, meeting new people and all, it seemed silly to stay together. We remained friends over the course of the year and I actually have come to appreciate him more in this role than as my boyfriend. We agreed to see one another during the summer and we met last night for the first time since last August. We had a nice time but he is under the impression that things will pick up, at least sexually, where they left off and I'm not there. Did I lead him into thinking that way just by agreeing to see him? Is there a presumption of sex in these situations? I don't want to lose him as a friend but I may have to if he continues to press the issue. Yes it would be fun but to me sex is more than the physical act and I am not in that place with him anymore.

rm_dcorleone73 49M
17 posts
5/30/2009 4:43 pm

 Well here's how I see it, cuz I was in a similar situation with a girl I'd been seeing in college. We were pretty hot and heavy in college for around 2 years, then she moved to Boston to go to vet school, and it was only a two hour drive, so we kept seeing each other most weekends and such. Eventually she transfered to Florida in Gainesville and I went with her. We lived together, it didn't work and I moved back to Connecticut after six months, but it was a friendly decision.

For about 2 years after that, she'd be in school down there, and she'd occasionally fly back home to see her friends and family here, and inevitably she'd call me, we'd go out, have fun and it generally did end in sex later. Neither of us was seeing anybody in particular, and while we fought a lot, the sex was always scorching, so we were both kind of hooked on it.

Around the third year, we got together for our semi-yearly hookup and she didn't really respond when I made the move. I figured out something was up and she told me she'd met a guy down in Florida and they were dating pretty seriously now, so we couldn't really sleep together anymore in clear conscience. I understood tho. The presumption of sex was always based on the fact that we still liked each other, we both liked the sex and we didn't have any other people we were seeing anyway.

Well, she didn't mention it until we were nude in bed later and I made a move. We ended up not having sex, but we did fool around a little bit. Made out, played with each other with our hands a bit, and finally she took pity on me for my blue balls from flirting with me and hanging all over me all night and gave me one last little bit of oral for the road...

So I dunno, I guess the presumption is there as long as you're still attracted to each other, are still friendly and both completely unattached. A guy's not gonna know things change unless you let him know, and don't be shy about it. If yer dealing with a reasonably mature MAN and not just some stalkery-frat-boy type, he'll understand. I did. We still had fun that weekend, we parted friends and it's all good.

I have a pretty casual attitude tho. A guy on my floor in my apartment building had slept with her before I got her, and I always got the impression people expected there to be tension cuz he was a friend of mine and I used to hang around with him a lot, but I just figured what she did before she got with me doesn't matter. That's her life. I had one before her too.

That's just me tho. I'm pretty laid back about stuff like that. I used to trade the occasional sexual anecdote with her about partners we'd had in the past. There were no virgins involved when we got together...

But I'm rambling. I dunno if that helps you at all, but that's just one man's experience in a similar situation.

Good luck sexy,
Don


rm_batboy212 39M
Ask me for a photo
68 posts
5/30/2009 12:53 pm

 Well its like this...Bad habits and old crushes die hard......its very difficult for a guy to not have those feelings for someone they really loved.....I m lso fresh out of a relationship whihc went on for 3 years....n then one day she just left me....now she says she wants to be friends...n made a big mistake...do u think she wants to get back wid me...or just wants to be friends....


xtcnsideu 118M
460 posts
5/30/2009 11:21 am

 Well be sure and let us know how that goes babe. I notice where you said, "I assumed the see meant just that", I think that really the whole problem is assumption on your part and his so, your doing the right thing by telling him and I'm sure you'll feel better about it once it's over. Good luck on Sunday!


lala_alldaylong 34F
96 posts
5/30/2009 4:36 am
    Quoting xtcnsideu:
    One thing nobody has pointed out is that in your blog you say that WE decided to see each other over the summer. Now I didn't hear the conversations that you 2 had...lol...but if I dated a girl and we split because of being seperated by distance and, split on good terms and, then you agreed to see me over the summer, unless you said otherwise I would assume things would pick-up where they left off, including sex.

    You also said in your blog that you seen him for the first time last nite and I'll be willing to bet that you just figured out Last Nite for sure that your, as you put it, "not there". I'm not saying you led him on but, I am saying that maybe you gave him mixed signals without even realizing it by your being unsure of your feelings for him. I think maybe you felt like your feelings for him had changed but, you didn't know for sure until last nite. I'm doing alot of guessing here obviously! You can tell me if I'm right.

    If I'm right! Then my advice to you is to TELL HIM! and be done with it.....and let him take it however he's gonna take it. Take a moment and put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react and feel and that's probably what he'll be feeling and how he'll be reacting.

    One thing you'll figure with time is people come and people go. It's just the way it is and, you can't go around worrying about whether or not somebody's gonna be your friend because you told them how you felt. He's probably gonna be hurt and not want to see you for awhile but he'll get over it in time. That's a normal reaction. Just be thankful he's not possessive and doesn't beat women.

    Be honest with yourself and the one's around you and that's all you can do. It's not your cross to bare whether or not they can deal with the truth..............
Based on how things are going right now, I realize I did lead him on but as far as the agreeing to see one another and the WE part, I assumed the see meant just that, to be in his company and hang out as the friends we had become during the school year. While we spoke often as the year went on the conversations became less "I miss you" and more about what was going on in our lives including talking openly, freely, and frankly about who we both were dating. One person asked me are you sure he feels that way, perhaps its my ego getting in the way, but I don't think that's the case. Guess I won't find out until we have the talk, which we will, Sunday afternoon.


rm_kamalia3 50M
53 posts
5/30/2009 3:05 am

 DOn't let go on for too long, cut the string be honest to yourself and the sooner the better. You are one hot lady, I would hate the idea of letting you go, but if there is not reciprocated interest then fuck it! good luck


xtcnsideu 118M
460 posts
5/30/2009 12:44 am

 One thing nobody has pointed out is that in your blog you say that WE decided to see each other over the summer. Now I didn't hear the conversations that you 2 had...lol...but if I dated a girl and we split because of being seperated by distance and, split on good terms and, then you agreed to see me over the summer, unless you said otherwise I would assume things would pick-up where they left off, including sex.

You also said in your blog that you seen him for the first time last nite and I'll be willing to bet that you just figured out Last Nite for sure that your, as you put it, "not there". I'm not saying you led him on but, I am saying that maybe you gave him mixed signals without even realizing it by your being unsure of your feelings for him. I think maybe you felt like your feelings for him had changed but, you didn't know for sure until last nite. I'm doing alot of guessing here obviously! You can tell me if I'm right.

If I'm right! Then my advice to you is to TELL HIM! and be done with it.....and let him take it however he's gonna take it. Take a moment and put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react and feel and that's probably what he'll be feeling and how he'll be reacting.

One thing you'll figure with time is people come and people go. It's just the way it is and, you can't go around worrying about whether or not somebody's gonna be your friend because you told them how you felt. He's probably gonna be hurt and not want to see you for awhile but he'll get over it in time. That's a normal reaction. Just be thankful he's not possessive and doesn't beat women.

Be honest with yourself and the one's around you and that's all you can do. It's not your cross to bare whether or not they can deal with the truth..............


kosh2001 65M  
126 posts
5/29/2009 2:55 pm

 Besides what everyone here is saying guys don't want females as friend unless there is sex, plain and simple, sure i'd rather hang
with a lady any day than with the guys but if there's not going to be
any sex sometime the future then whats the use. Anyone that tells you different just wants to become your friend and tell you what they think you want to hear so they can get laid. With ex's there is
always the case that one may still have stronger feeling for the other. Men will give love for sex where women will give sex for love.


Gedalia3 60M
13613 posts
5/29/2009 10:26 am

 Others have said it and this is the difficulty with turning a sexual relationship into a non sexual one. You need to be very clear with him what your feelings and intentions are.

It is not surprising that he feels the way he does. You two obviously cared for each other, and while for you, the physical is not there now, the good feelings are. Since it is such a fine line, it is easy to misconstrue on his part without you explicitly telling him.

Good luck.

Come check out The Social Contract. A little brain food!!


Losing the world one nation at a time.

In an age of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act


looking4UinCT2 68M
163 posts
5/29/2009 9:15 am

 You didn't do anything wrong. It's all him and his juvenile mentality. When a kid can't have something, he wants it that much more and if he gets it, he won't appreciate it.


Dylan21384 40M

5/29/2009 9:02 am

 most guys see their ex-gf's as just an item for sex, at least thats what my guys friends say. they say that the only reason that they would meet up with an ex is because they know that its an easy lay and that there is nothing to think about than just getting their rocks off. so i would say to cut all ties with him, even though it will hurt to lose his friendship, OR, tell him flat out how you feel and explain that things can only be on a friendship level, not physical.


rm_got_orgasms 45M
668 posts
5/29/2009 7:26 am

 lala if ur intentions arent the same as what u think his are and you folks are supposed to be good friends still then the best plan would be to sit and talk to him about it. being the guy he is im sure he has a thought or two about being able to continue the sexual relationship u once had but since that isnt your stance u should make him aware of that...continuing to be friends should be just that a friendship...however i dont know ur conversations with him so i dont know if he would feel led on but just the fact of two friends getting together to hangout should not be a presumption of sex. good luck with ur new friendship. be open and honest is all u can do. trust me i know ive been there, it can work it just takes communication just like all relationships do. last year i went to my exes WEDDING! there goes my presumption of sex! LMAO!! have a great day sweetie. Peace


GoodtimesJ3 54M
42 posts
5/29/2009 6:27 am

 Presumption of sex? I would venture to guess that from his point of view there certainly is. However you may consider telling him how much you value him as a "friend" and be clear and concise about your interests that you have and do not have with him....all in a gentle and comforting way of course. Men (and sorry for generalizing because I typically don't) sometimes need to be hit on the head with a 2x4 to get it. If he doesn't understand or your relationship now goes sideways, then you know what was on his mind.

Hope it all works out though!

Cheers,

J


Become a member to create a blog