Nine ways to make your life awesome immediately
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Posted:Mar 13, 2012 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2012 11:09 am
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1. Live every week like its shark week
Shark week is indisputably the greatest week of the year . Sure some people like Christmas and Thanksgiving and whatnot , but those are just days - and not really that great of days either . But Shark Week is where its at . It is a time when we all come together to feel the exhilaration and horror that exists in nature . It is a week when we are alive more than any other time of the year . Don't you wish you could feel that way all the time ? You could take expensive narcotics , or you could just live every week like its shark week ! Hell if you think you could handle it to both ! No , no , wait , you can't handle it - trust me . Do not take expensive narcotics AND live like its Shark Week (unless it really is) .
2. Stop wearing pants , ever
Pants suck . You know who invented them ? Some jerk who wanted to ruin it for the rest of us . Show that jerk what you think of him and burn all your pants . Never wear them again . You don't need to . There's no law that says a person has to wear pants . And if there is its an unjust law - and disobeying an unjust law is what being a patriot is all about . What do pants do besides slow you down ? A whole lot of nothing . I'll grant you pockets are okay , which is why if you want you may wear a belt with pockets attached - but no pants got it ? Gauchos maybe . Maybe . I am in no way advocating exposing your genitals (unless you're in my neighborhood) so underwears are okay , just ditch the pants okay ? Okay
3. Kill time , I mean straight up murder it
Don't waste anymore time . Do something all the time . If you feel like nothing is happened flip the fuck out all over the place . Flip a table over and scream your fool head off . Accuse someone of trying to poison you . Call 911 and shout wolves are breaking into your house . Invent a time machine , travel back in time and smack your dad on the ass as he's impregnating your mom - then laugh so hard you puke . The point is don't be bored , because bored people are boring . If you're bored , go crazy instead . If nothing else you'll get a 72 hour observation at a mental ward - which is something you won't forget (depending on what drugs they give you) .
4. Become rich
I've been a poor fellow all my life , its something of a tradition in my family . But , being poor is not for everyone . If you're looking to shake things up why not try being rich ? Its a fun way to know that your opinions matter more than other people . Suddenly politics will matter to you . Plus there's all kinds of fringe benefits . Did you know when you're rich if you go to the doctor you get treatment instead of a band-aid and a boot in the ass ? Its true - try it sometime , after you're rich of course ! And you get one free murder every couple of years (depending on which state you live in) wouldn't that be nice ? I bet you have a couple of people in mind you'd like to murder right now ! Wouldn't it be nice if you could do it ? And don't worry , rich people still get into heaven even if they kill a couple people . Its in the Bible - somewhere in the back I think .
5. There is no Dana , only Zuul
This is a mantra . Say it . Out loud . All the time . Why ? Because it will focus you . It will make your mind calm . It will give you special powers . Example
"What's this I hear about you having trouble with your TPS reports ?"
"There is no Dana , only Zuul ."
Each time you say if your life will get 1% better . Say it as a statement . Say it as a question . Say it as a response . Say it at the drive through . Say it because there is no Dana . Only Zuul .
6. Live each day as if it was your first
Live each day as if it was your last ? Fuck that noise . Your last day is going to suck , any way you slice . But your first day was awesome . There was blood and nudity and titty-sucking - and then you took a nap . That sounds spectacular to me . Do that every day . On your first day if you wanted something you cried immediately and guess what ? You got it . And you know what it was you wanted ? A boob . And people watched ! They watch you go to town on that boob like it was all okay ! Why does the fun have to end there ? Life every day like it was your first ?
7. Adopt a bunch of
Because why not ? A couple running around will liven things up - especially because they're not related to you so you don't know what the hell they might do . Adopt three and have them re-enact the Three Amigos for you . Adopt five and rob a bank . Adopt ten and have them play some 5 on 5 basketball while you sit on the porch and drink lemonade . And the best part is you can't possible screw them up and worse then they would be without anyone to raise them . Have them do chores around the house - they'll suck at if but then you get to chew them out and that's something to do at least . Plus then you'll have something on common with celebrities - call up Angelina Jolie and chat about all your adopted .
8. Become the king/queen of empty promises
Tell people you're going to take them on a trip . Or you're bringing donuts into to work . Or they you made them a mix CD . Tell them you won a bunch of money and you're going to spread the wealth . Of just that you love them and you want to get married and have their babies . It'll be fun , it'll make people happy . Then if you call you on it just mumble something and walk out of the room . Go to the bathroom and laugh your ass off . Then if someone in the next stall asks what your problem is tell them to screw off .
9. Max out your credit cards buying porn and then throw it away
Think what the garbage man is going to see - a huge pile of porn . What thoughts will be running through his head ? His mind will be blown . He probably won't even take it - he'll leave it there in confusion and disgusted arousal . Word will spread about the mountain of porn someone just threw away . People will talk . What kind of person would throw away so much porn ? Why all at once ? What is going on here ? The news will catch wind of - the story of the porn thrown away will spread far and wide . And people will come . People will want to see the giant pile of porn sitting out on our curb . They will stare in wonderment while you stand at the window with a smug smile . Because you know . You know .
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Hey , guess what ? I know I'm fat you don't have to be a bitch about it
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Posted:Mar 12, 2012 11:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2012 8:08 am
90584 Views
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According to my research about 34% of the blog post here are ladyfolk posting e-mails they find funny . Which I find somewhat distasteful , but hey , I'm nothing if not a copycat . At least I'm not naming names .
I got a flirt a while back , which I assumed was fake , because you know , it was a flirt . But a few days later it was followed up with an e-mail . She contacted me first - keep that in mind . So unless she has an astigmatism or cataracts she already knew what I looked like . We exchanged a few messages and she asked if I wanted to meet for a drink . I said something alon the lines of "Love to meet , but I don't drink ."
She came back and said the deal was off because she doesn't trust people who don't drink - which is nonsense but a lot people have that same reaction and I've gotten tired of arguing about it . I used to hear the same thing about not swearing so I've started swearing sometimes . GO PEER PRESSURE !
Anyway , I said "Okay , thanks anyway - good luck ."
She wrote back (among other things) "I wouldn't fuck a fat pig like you anyway , I keep myself in shape , why can't you ?"
Its times like that I wish I was the kind of person who would just tear into someone . While we're on the topic , people tell me I need to let my anger out all the time . Wrong again people .
You always hear people talk about how "cathartic" an experience was and how much better they feel , or you'll hear them say things like , "If you keep your anger bottled up, one day you'll just snap!"
In fact the "about to go crazy because he can't express anger" character is a mainstay in television and movies (see that Simpsons episode where Ned Flanders finally loses it, and every movie where a renegade cop fires his gun into the air instead of unloading on the bad guy who just killed his wife).
Things like squeezing stress dolls , screaming into a pillow, hitting a punching bag and strangling a puppies are all practices that we've seen offered as healthy alternatives to walking up to the fish counter at Farm Fresh and drowning the clerk in the lobster tank .
A lot of actual therapies have been constructed around this idea, and they all basically encourage you to curb your anger by feeding a knuckle sandwich to a punching bag , to prevent you from doing the same to your boss . It makes sense , right ? Why throw your wife against the refrigerator when the casserole she under-cooked will shatter to pieces in a much more literal , and satisfying way ?
Why it is Bullshit:
Research says it doesn't work. Expressing your anger , even against inanimate objects , doesn't make you less angry at all . In fact , it actually makes you want to get pissed off . Imagine if Bruce Banner walked around all day looking for an excuse to hulk-out , but replace the embarrassing shredded pants with friends and loved ones who are legitimately terrified every time his favorite sports team loses .
See , we humans have these things called "habits." When we do somethin g , and it makes us feel good , we want to do it again... and more often . This is why you don't see a lot of Buddhist monks throwing bricks through storefront windows on their path to enlightenment and Lifetime original movies spend more on broken casserole dishes than on acting . The rush of anger is addictive as hell , and letting yourself lash out as a means to control your anger is like drinking to control your urge to drink .
And that's bad news , considering there are lots of situations where you don't have an inanimate object to take it out on . If a person gets entrenched in the habit of beating the living shit out of an inanimate object every time they get upset , heads are going to roll if they can't excuse themselves from a meeting to go chokeslam the tank on the break room water cooler .
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Why we kiss , why women have boobs , why we have sex
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Posted:Mar 12, 2012 7:36 am
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2012 11:45 am
90586 Views
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Long before you tasted the wonders of sex or the body parts that have to do with sex, you (hopefully) tasted the inside of another person's mouth . But have you ever stopped in the middle of a deep kiss and said, "Wait a second, why the hell are we doing this?"
Pretty much all human cultures have kissing, and a few other animals do it as well. But why? Why are we cramming our mouths together? Why don't we nuzzle noses or tap kneecaps? Why don't we butt rub?
The Theory:
Researchers at the University of Leeds have hypothesized that kissing evolved as a way for women to expose themselves to an infection called cytomegalovirus. Never heard of it? Maybe you've heard of its family -- herpesviruses (we're not missing a space between "herpes" and "viruses" -- that's the actual name of the family). The thing about this particular virus is that, much like a Looney Tunes stamp, you don't know if your partner has it until it's too late. By then you've already exposed yourself to something you'll never shake
And that's bad news for the species -- if a woman develops the active cytomegalovirus while pregnant, there's a 50 percent chance she won't carry the baby to term. But, if she gets exposed in incremental bits in the months leading up to her pregnancy, she can be inoculated from a full-on primary infection. Think of it this way: The virus is kind of like early 2000s boy band music. In small doses, it's not so bad. In large doses, it will abort your baby.
You can see where we're going with this -- the easiest way to transmit the virus is through swapping saliva. The theory is that, rather than moving straight into intercourse (which could immediately get a woman pregnant while giving her mega-herpes and maybe killing her unborn ), females created this courtship-slash-inoculation period -- the kissing season. Which is a way better and less gross theory than the first draft -- that kissing evolved as a natural result of mothers prechewing food for their young (and lovers).
Stick this in your lip and chew it: Human breasts are 100 percent unique. If you were into animals in a sexual way, you wouldn't be able to find any with boobs unless they were lactating -- only human women don't go back to flat-chestedness when they're off milk duty. True, gravity and age will eventually take their toll, but barring disease or a tragic mammogram/waffle iron mix-up, a woman's breasts are there to stay.
So the question is why? Why were humans, more than any other mammal, bestowed the bosom blessing?
The Theory:
Boobs are designed so babies don't suffocate and die while nursing.
What's the difference between a baby chimp and a baby human? It's the mouths. Most mammals have protruding snouts that jut out like tobacco-dipping animal hillbillies. They were made that way. Humans, not so much. Try this little experiment: Staple a rubber nipple to a wall and try to suck it. It doesn't work, does it? Not just because you're suckling a wall, but because your nose is smooshed against a flat surface.
Hurry, back up, before you die! So the theory is that as humans evolved flatter faces to offset our huge brains during labor, women evolved bigger bosoms to reach their babies' little tiny mouths. Lucky for humanity that women hate it when their babies suffocate. That's literally the worst.
Let's face it: Sex is about as intuitive as shoving a summer sausage into a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. If mankind had to start all over from scratch, we're not so sure we'd figure intercourse out the second time around. There are, after all, major disadvantages to sexual intercourse. The opportunity to contract and transmit diseases, for one. And for another, think of all the energy and resources that go into courtship. It's not like Olive Garden meals are going to pay for themselves, you know.
Compare that to the ways that some far stupider animals reproduce. For example, aphids don't need boys at all -- the girls just fart out clones of themselves every 10 minutes or so. Some starfish just have to shed a limb to make a baby. OK, maybe that's not the best example of a better way to do things. But it's definitely simpler.
Everyone wants efficiency these days, but no one wants to pay the price.
So why didn't humanity take a different turn -- one where we kept the species going by just cloning ourselves? Why can't we and other sex-having species just squirt out spores from our orifices and call it a day?
The Theory:
The answer is that sex -- the mingling-of-fluid kind -- results in constant adaptation. Every is carrying the best of her mom, her dad, her grandparents and their lovers. Every one of us is a mess of genetic material coming from all over the place. And that's good, because change is what keeps us ahead of the game when it comes to our biological enemies.
According to the Red Queen hypothesis, we have to keep adapting to keep moving forward. The theory comes from a scene in Through the Looking Glass when Alice and the Red Queen race but never move. The queen says, "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place."
Likewise, humans are in a kind of arms race with every other species, especially the ones that matter to us most: parasites. animals who reproduce asexually never get a chance to mix things up -- to come up with new and better combinations of genes for the next generation. That makes them more vulnerable when a parasite comes along.
Scientists have even proven the Red Queen theory in the lab. No, not by hosting a couple and watching them breed, then comparing their medical weaknesses to a family of human clones. They just used a particular bacteria and its viral parasite. The nice thing about bacteria is that you can watch hundreds of generations evolve over a short amount of time. So they took one bit of bacteria and isolated it from its parasite partner. Then they took another bit of the same kind of bacteria and let it co-evolve with its parasite, just as it would in the wild.
Five minutes and thousands of generations later, the second group had evolved twice as fast as the first, with more mutations and diversity. Then, just to be mean, they took the virus from the second group and infected the isolated bacteria with it. The bacteria was annihilated. If we didn't have sex, that bacteria would be us every time we came across a new cold.
Educated !
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Checking out your fellow parishioners at church - fair or foul ?
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Posted:Mar 11, 2012 10:06 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:54 pm
90063 Views
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I've been told I ask too many question in my blogs - so of course here's more questions . Never let it be said that I don't respond to feedback .
I don't go to church so often anymore but when I do I often find myself checking out the ladyfolk during the whole stand up and shake hands with everyone phase . Which I know is the not the right thing to be doing , but is it any more or less sinful than doing outside of church ? I say no .
Does shaving your armpits effect how much you perspire ? I know I used to shave when I was on the swim team but I can't remember . I do remember that shaving your legs makes your balls a lot sweatier for some reason . Or maybe it was just a really sweaty ball kind of year .
A lot of women say what they like most is a man with confidence . Confidence in what ? That's a pretty broad statement . Also I'm pretty sure that's total BS because I know any number of ugly losers who are completely confident that couldn't get a woman to pay attention to them if their life depended on it .
I used to have a comic and game store and about 30% of my business was pornographic comics . What's the appeal of that ? I like porn . I like comics . But I don't see how either is improved by the combination . Also , does the fact that I profited off a comic called Man make be a bad person ? Probably . Doesn't help that's for sure .
When I was walking into work this morning a lady started to talk to me about money for lunch and then when I turned around she said "Oh , sorry , you look just like my husband ." If they both work there why weren't they walking in together ? Also she was pretty good looking - how on earth did she marry a guy who looks just like me ? I need to find out who this dude is so I can figure out how he did it .
The only time in my life I've had one night stands is the weekend of my high school reunion . I didn't go , but a couple of the ladies there got my number from one of my friends and booty called me . That never made any sense to me . I was nobody in high school and there was nothing MORE appealing about me 10 years later . What do you think that was about ? I have to assume there was some kind of fuck everyone in high school scavenger hunt contest deal . Also I later found out one of the ladies was married . That bothers me a lot .
If you were running from a pack of rabid dogs and you bumped into someone running the other way and they asked you what you were running from , you told them , and then after thinking about it for a minute they kept running towards the dogs would what would you do ? Obviously this person thinks whatever s/he was running from was worse . Would you trust someone in that situation ?
Do you think anal sex was invented by two dudes or a dude and lady ? Do you think it was consensual ? I an ex of mine said they probably learned it from animals . Are there animals that have anal sex ? How could you even tell ?
Do women have to try and hurt your feelings when they break up with you or is it just fun ?
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Would you hump an ape for charity (Let's make a deal)
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Posted:Mar 10, 2012 8:12 am
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2012 9:35 am
89782 Views
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If it was a normal ape I definitely would not - because that would be ape sexual assault . But if it was one of those sign language apes and they were into it ? I'd think about it . I can't imagine I'd be attractive to a lady ape , but I suppose there's freaky apes just like they're freaky humans . I mean my dick is adequate for a human lady , but I don't think it would stack up well against and ape dick . Also I should have chosen Apedick as my screen name . I like the sound of that . Anyway , if it was a sign language ape who was into me I'd probably do it for a million dollars for cancer research . Maybe even less . After all you close your eyes and is there really any difference between an ape vagina and a human vagina ? Doubt it . I could probably get some grant investigate that . Who wants sign up for some glory hole action where their may or may not be an ape on the other side ?
So the , question is - would you have intercourse with an ape for charity ? And if so how much would it take ?
If I was a lady I probably wouldn't . I know apes are supposed be gentle and caring creatures , but something that massive and strong going balls deep on me ? Pass .
And no , I am NOT into bestiality , its for charity you philistine .
When I was more into wuss rock I liked a group called the Corrs . I think they were all cousins or siblings or something , but the point is there were 2 hot ladies , 2 pretty good looking ladies and then a dude . I was always wondered if the god of sexy intercourse (who I assume is named pussypeniscockvagina and looks a little like Ron Jeremy) came to me and said I could have sex with the Corrs , but it had to be ALL Of them would I do it ?
I probably wouldn't because just because someone looks good doesn't mean they're any good in bed . Sure , I'm a monster and I'm lame in the sack , but that's just an coincidence . There's plenty of less than attractive people out there who'll blow your mind in bed . But if I did make that deal I'd probably do the guy first and get it out of the way . I think doing the sexy ladies first and saving the guy for last would be the worst way to go . It you can't avoid the stick , I'd rather save the carrot for after wards .
So , the question is - if you're straight would you be willing to have sex with someone of your non-preferred gender in order to have sex with some hotties of your preferred gender ? And if so how many would it take ?
A frighteningly high % of woman I've been with have asked about taking me to town with a strap-on , which I've always declined , but it did make we wonder . If I was in love with a woman and she wanted to do that would I go for it ? I've never been in love but I like to think if you love someone you'd pretty much do anything they were into . Of course hopefully if they loved me back they wouldn't ask me to do things I didn't want to , but that's a different issue .
So , the question is , how far are you/would you be willing to go sexually with someone you loved ?
The human mind can only come up with three questions , so I guess that's it for now . But since I referenced Let's Make Deal I leave you with a bit of advice known as the Monty Haul Paradox .
If you're on a game show and you're given the choice of three doors ; Behind one door is a prize and the other's are empty . You pick a door , say No. 1 [but the door is not opened], and the host , who knows what's behind the doors , opens another door , say No. 3, which has nothing . He then says to you , "Do you want to switch to door No. 2?"
The answer is yes . There is a one in three chance you picked the right door from the get-go . Which means if one of the other doors is opened with nothing behind it you're twice as likely to win if you switch - because there was a two in three chance you picked wrong .
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I am not the fine man you take me for (possible my most pointless post ever)
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Posted:Mar 9, 2012 12:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2012 6:37 am
89514 Views
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That's a quote from Deadwood . If you don't know that that means you didn't watch Deadwood (or if you did you didn't watch it hard enough) . Which means that you are part of the reason it got can celled (contract disputes aside) . Which means you are my enemy (don't worry I'm mostly harmless) . Deadwood was a fantastic show and everyone should go out and buy the DVDs right now - they do use the word cocksucker quite literally 50-60 times per episodes , but if you can get past that its great TV (if such a thing exists) . And if you have the DVDs and haven't listened to the commentary the ones with Ian McShane and Tim Olyphant are pretty funny .
Why I am bringing up Deadwood ? All in due time .
I like sex right ? Not as much as most people on here but still , I'd vote for it if it were a thing . Its something to do between episodes of Walking Dead anyway . And I like movies and TV (sometimes) . But what I don't like when the two combine . Pornography ? Great , thumbs up . But sex scenes in normal media ? Pass . Hate 'em , hate 'em a lot . My favorite thing is when people say "I'm okay with sex scenes in movies as long as they important to the plot ." Come again ? Important to the plot ? You know how many times a plot has been effected by the audience SEEING the characters have sex ?
0.00
Give or take zero . Its wholly unnecessary . And its weird . Nothing like being a movie theater with a bunch of other losers watching some pretend naked people simulate sex , yes sir . If you want to see people having sex , its easy - turn on your computer . Done . Sex all over the place . What I don't need to see is Kevin Spacey's man butt coming at me in the Life of David Gale . A ex of mine loved seeing sex scenes - she dragged me to see more than one just because she heard there was a good sex scene in it . Amusingly she was lukewarm in regards to porn .
Now , with that being said , there was one time a sex scene really turned me on . And it happened on Deadwood (see ? I told you we'd get to that) which in general had a lot of very unsexy stuff going on .
I think the Episode was "Sold Under Sin" where Bullock (Tim Olyphant) and Alma (Molly Parker) get it on for the first time . I was reaching for the remote to hit the skip button when I realized it was really hot . I don't know what it is about this scene that makes it different from all the other sex scenes I hate , but there's something about it that just does it for me . I don't want to even examine it that closely - this time I just want to remain a mystery . And I know its not Molly Parker's unshaven pits because I've seen that action in real life and , yeah , no .
"But 40 , why are you bringing this up at all , no one cares some sex scene from a show that got canceled almost six years ago got you horny ."
First of all , I never said it got me horny , I just said it was hot . Also the word horny is dumb . And I don't know why I brought it up , I just did .
I don't know why I'm bringing this up either , but its not going to stop me .
Right after I graduated from college I saw Tera Patrick just walking around in sweats and a baggy old ugly t-shirt and she looked way better than in any of her movies or photo shoots . Strange but true .
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I don't love money , I just say that to get it in bed
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Posted:Mar 8, 2012 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2012 12:01 pm
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I left the house without my wallet the other day for the first time since I started carrying one - 20 years probably . It felt very strange - like being naked outside only not awesome . One time when I was really sick I walked out of the house without pants on but I had my wallet in my hand . Thankfully it was winter so the no pants thing became quickly apparent but I wonder what would have happened in summer . The funny thing is I remember thinking as I was tying my shoes "why are my pant legs so hairy ?"
Anyway , I'm getting off topic(shocker) the point is I had no money , which isn't a big deal because I don't eat lunch or snack at work (I have this thing about people I work with seeing me eat , and strangers in general really) but its a strange feeling . Its liberating in a way . As someone who will most likely be a hobo one day it was a little bit of a sneak peak into what its like to literally have no money . I'm figuratively like that all the time , but its not the same .
Speaking of which , I had the chance to be less broke and I turned it down . A former co-worker of mine who I don't like (goes without saying really - does anyone like their co-workers ?) wanted to recruit me for a job that would have been more cash money but I'd have to work from home . I'm sure for most people that would have been great , but I don't think I could stay motivated at home . Plus going to work is pretty much one of the only reasons I leave the house - I'd be one step away from being a shut in if I worked from home . Not that I have anything against shut in , especially if they're sexy lady shut ins who are ready for a little action . I don't have chlamydia - what more could a sexy lady shut-in want in a man ?
Its not the first time I've turned down a better paying job - I wish people wouldn't make such a big deal about it though . Makes me feel like a loser - and not the kind of loser I am and have come to terms with . Does everyone have to wear a tie and have career ambition and grab for the brass ring ? Also do they make brass cock rings ? And if they did would you grab for them ? I say no , which probably means I'm a dirty commie but that's okay because I hear commie ladies don't wear bras .
Speaking of which , ladies - after the zombie apocalypse will you still bother wearing a bra ?
But lest you think that I am anti-American , let me relate another former co-worker story that will change your mind .
For some reason on his last day a former co-worker of mine kept hanging around my desk and trying to chat with me - probably because I hired him and trained him and worked my ass off to make him into the semi-worthwhile employee that he was . This dude for some reason decided to unburden himself about how he couldn't get laid - which made me realize that I am the embodiment of everything this country stands for .
Here's this dude , young , good looking , in great shape , stupid as hell , drunk most of the time - all the things the ladies want . And he can't get any action .
And then there's me - I am none of those things (I'm only somewhat stupid after all) and yet every once in a while I manage to have intercourse with a real live woman . How ? Because I am a natural born scrabbler . I may not look like much but I got it where it counts . I have heart and true grit and determination , and a little something I like to call testicular fortitude . I have the will of the warrior - or at least the will of the school marm , which is still pretty good .
In any other country in the world he's be up to his eyebrows in pussy (which is actually really dangerous) and I'd be a circus freak masturbating into a bucket of vomit for 2 cents a show . But here , in America , the land of opportunity this metrosexual (that's still a thing right) handsome , well hung (I assume) stud can't get no satisfaction while I - his sexual inferior in every way (except I don't have chlamydia which is nothing to swing a bag of dicks at) am getting it done on a VERY irregular basis . If that's not the American dream I don't know what is !
What was I talking about ? Oh right , a lot of people say "money is the root of all evil" , but the actual quote is "love of money is the root of all evil" . Also its not "pride goes before the fall" , its "pride goes before destruction , a haughty spirit before a fall" . And while we're on the subject its not "the proof is in the pudding" its "the proof of the pudding is in the tasting" .
So , to summarize - I do not have chlamydia , and that's pretty cool .
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Three posts in one day ? Believe it (getting nasty in the pasty)
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Posted:Mar 7, 2012 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2012 4:03 pm
89468 Views
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Another short one to appease the short attention spans of today's modern human . If you could travel through time and have the sex with anyone you wanted who would it be ?
My choice ?
Elizabeth Taylor
Most of my life she's been a revolting blob , but back in her day she really something to swing a bag of dicks at . And the cool thing about time travel is if I were here contemporary I would have no shot with her , but with my knowledge of the "future" and high tech gadgets I'm sure I could bamboozle her into sleeping with me . I mean you take an iPad to 1957 and show people Angry Birds and their heads would explode .
I almost went with Raquel Welch , but I think she's still alive and based on the last time I saw her I'd still take a run at her right now . Unless she's died and I didn't hear - in which case I probably wouldn't hit on her . Probably . Only if it was a weekend at Bernie's type deal .
That was one of my favorite movies as a . I was such a stupid .
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Tell me three things you like about yourself
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Posted:Mar 7, 2012 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2012 3:59 pm
89079 Views
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I've been told my blogs are too long - so here's a short one . In my brief time in therapy this was one of my "homework" things . So , tell me three things you like about yourself and why .
Also even I don't really believe in therapy it did work for me - I went because I was afraid I was starting to hate women , but my therapist helped me to realize I don't have a problem with women , I hate everyone .
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Fool me 1-10 time shame on you , fool me 11 or more times shame on me
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Posted:Mar 7, 2012 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:45 pm
89485 Views
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"You should always be suspicious of a beautiful woman , especially one who seems interested in YOU ."
- Traditional
Its been a long time since I got fooled by a fake profile but it happened the other day .
You have to admit that's one sexy robot - and I'm not even a big tattoo guy . It got me to wondering what the key to making a good fake profile is . Most of them are so obvious its laughable - and not in a good way . Which naturally got me to thinking about how worthless a lot of the REAL profiles on here are . When you profile is one sentence that says "I do anal and everything" can you really complain when you get "Hey lets Foxtrot Unicorn Charlie Kilo" e-mails ? I suggest that you should not . Also if you're going to have a one sentence profile could you at least use the correct semantics ? What's the difference between these two sentences ?
"I do everything ."
"I do anal and everything ."
If you said nothing you are correct . I realize that as a lady you don't have to put any effort into anything and you'll still have 10-15 million guys begging you for sex but could you at least write a paragraph ? I'll help you out ; sample profile
I do anal and everything . I am a carbon based lifeform . My DNA is right handed , which means that I evolved on earth and would be incompatible with a human being that had left-handed DNA even if they were 100% genetically identical to me - if we even touched its likely that we'd both become very ill as a result of organo-nitrates forming on our skin . Did I mention that I do anal ? And everything ?
Done , slap a picture of pussy from 2 millimeters away up there and you're good to go .
A lot of people complain about the fake profiles on Senior Sizzle , but I for one welcome them . Where would be without them ? There's only 10 real women on this site and 8 of them are just here to blog . Without fake profiles what would we have to do all day ? Nothing that's what . Fake profiles are like small talk - they don't mean anything , but it helps to pass the time . I like to find a really crappy fake profile and see how long it takes to get deleted - Senior Sizzle is protecting us you know , I got an e-mail all about it . It made me feel safe and secure . They don't last long usually , but every now and then you come across a scrappy fake profile that against all odds slips under the Senior Sizzle radar .
And I for one salute them . Everyone loves an underdog right ? They're like those people who somehow , some way , make a lot of sales via telemarketing . What's that ? They're scamming old people ? Ooh , I guess not like that then . When I was growing up one of my friend's dad's was a telemarketeer . I can't decide if that's the worst job ever or the best . Obviously they can't expect you to actually sell anything so it would be pretty easy - but you'd have to talk to people , which is a bummer .
Also for the record the worst job ever is assistant crack .
Speaking of getting fooled , I ordered some custom bowling shirts that finally arrived the other day and the logo on the back disintegrated off one of them the first time I washed it . I don't know why I was so pissed , I don't remember the last time I've bought anything and not felt ripped off to some degree . Blah , blah , blah they don't make anything quality anymore , blah , blah , blah complain complain - you know the rest .
And as long as we're on the fooling topic , over the past 4 years every now and then at work when I'm in the bathroom stall (which for reason reason is huge , 3 times the size of a normal handicap stall - you could have a 14 person orgy in there and still have room for a table of after orgy mints) I've seen what appeared to be a woman's feet standing at the urinal - definitely women's shoes anyway . And finally I've figured out who they belong to - there's a pretty convincing cross-dresser in the department across the way from me . Which answers the question I've always had about which bathroom crossdressers use , but raises further questions .
As lady would you resent a cross dresser that was more attractive than you ? I think that would bother me . Another lady being better looking , fine , that's nature - but a dude dressing up as a woman ? I think that would rub me the wrong way .
And , if we presume the cross dresser in question is into dudes do you think their standards are lower when it comes to a man's looks ? I mean could I reasonably ask out a decent looking cross dresser ? To a woman I'm like a 3 (tops) but am I more of a 5 or 6 to a cross dresser ? I mean its all situational right ? I kind of want to ask her/him out just to find out . But that would be wrong of course .
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More strap-ons than you can swing a bag of dicks at
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Posted:Mar 6, 2012 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2012 3:51 pm
88730 Views
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As regular readers (HA !) of my blog know , I have pretty much given up on the pornography because thanks to the high speed porn delivery system known as the internets there's so much free porn that I can't justify spending money on it . But most of the internet porn is too mean spirited for me . I know its all fake but I just can't get into it . Plus as you regular readers (HA !) also know I'm way to lazy to masturbate most of the time so there's not really a pressing reason for me to seek out much porn . Its so much work for so little reward . Like water-skiing . Speaking of which , I remember learning to water ski - my uncle kept shouting at me "Keep you legs together !" He should have been saying that to my cousin if you know what I mean .
COUSIN BURN
Anyway , back in my youth - say freshman year of college - I was WAY into porn . If I took one of those checklists I'm sure it would have said I might have been addicted . And in those days of carefree porn addiction my favorite thing by far was ladies + strap on . You had to be careful though , because a lot of strap-on theme porn is a lady giving it to a dude , which I can do without . But there was one thing that happened in almost every scene that drove me crazy . Classically Trained Actress #1 would be strapped and ready to go , Classically Trained Actress #2 would start sucking away in precursor to the main event . And CTA #1 would act like she was all into it .
Why ? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT ?! You can't feel anything - that's not a real dick ! Stop it ! Just stop it ! Pretending is an important part of any sexual encounter - and even more so for the adult films - but who came up with that idea ? They could just as well be in different rooms - its the same thing . They may as well cut to a third lady in a different state acting all hot and bothered - it makes no sense . I mean who writes this stuff ? No seriously , who writes it ? Seems like the easiest job in the world . Here's my porn script ;
All character enter stage left
They have sex
Fade out
Bam - where's my money porn industry ? And as long as I have your attention porn industry how can you make a movie called Double D Lesbian Cops (Assault on Precinct 69) and not have one instance of a nightstick penetration ? Not one . Every scene has ladies in cop uniforms and not one nightstick shot ? What were you thinking ? In the whole movie there was only one nightstick to be seen - sitting in the background ! I watched the whole movie - beginning to end - probably the only time that's happened in the history of porn . And there was no nightstick humping . That was the moment that I lost all faith in humanity . There is no excuse for that porn industry - none . For shame .
In other news
I can't be sure of course , but I'm fairly confident I recognized someone from Senior Sizzle at work the other day . Freaked me out . I'm met up with Senior Sizzle people before of course , but you know , there was a purpose behind it . Just seeing one of them walking around like a normal person was weird . Put me off my feed I tell you .
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The curious case of the latex condom
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Posted:Mar 5, 2012 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:54 pm
90024 Views
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My name is 40Deuce (check my birth certificate) I am 34 years old (again , birth certificate) and I have never (not even one time) had sexual intercourse between my penis and a fancy lady's vagina without wearing a latex condom (so far as I know you'll have to take my word on that) . Perversely I have never worn a condom when making sweet , sweet love to a fine lady's butthole . The last time I had anal lovings I did try to wear a condom (may be scrawled on my birth certificate in pencil on the back) because I heard unprotected back alley action is a good way to end up with a urinary tract infection(which I don't want) - here's a quick re-enactment ;
After 7-13 minutes of prep work
Classy lady - Alright , let 'er rip you rhino-cocked stud (may be paraphrasing)
40D - You don't have to tell me twice !
Classy lady - I said , let 'er rip you rhino-cocked stud
40D - No , I said you didn't need to (sigh)
Tentative thrust
Slightly harder thrust
40D - Oh crud
Classy lady - What happened ? Where are you going ?
40D - I'm going to warm up the tongs, we've got an AWOL condom on our hands
As regular readers (HA !) know I'm no stranger to fishing condoms out of the so called front door - which is okay - but the scenic route is a whole other deal . I can live without ever doing that again - and I'm sure it was no picnic for her either . Before I get back to my real point , just so you all know - you can get pregnant from anal . Its unlikely but it can happen . I have to admire my sperms for sperming so hard , but also I hate them for it . Fun fact , its a persistent rumor that that's how Brittany Spears accidentally got pregnant with her second .
And yes , to save you the trouble I'm sure the condom slipped off because my penis is so small . You people are so mean - that was hurtful .
Anyway , the point is while I crunched the numbers a while back and figured out that its improbable I'll ever had sex again (which I'm okay with - honestly for a guy like me I've had way more sex than I had any right to) I do wish that just one time I could unleash the full fury of unsheathed magic wand on some lucky/generous lady . With my luck after that one time I would wind up with every STD known to man but still if I had a bucket list (which I don't) that would be on it . Speaking of STDs , there's an old SNL sketch about James Bond going to the doctor that's pretty funny - you should look it up . Of course as quick on the trigger as I am sometimes I'm sure unprotected sex would be pretty disappointing for everyone involved .
You may be asking yourself "Why does 40 always use protection ? Also , am I out of milk ?" I can't help you with the milk thing , but mostly its because I am super afraid of getting a lady pregnant . Not because I think any woman would want to "trap" me (although one said she did) I just can't trust anyone that much . People are dumb - real dumb . REAL real dumb . Maybe you think you took your pill , but who knows ? Maybe that is a birth control patch , but maybe its a band-aid . And that's not even counting the inexplicable - like someone at the birth control factory sneezing into the pill goo and ruining everything . You just never know , and that's not a risk I'm willing to take .
What's that you say ? Condoms aren't 100% effective either ?
La , la , la , I don't hear you !
But that's only part of the problem - once the condom protocol has been established its hard to quit . I have a hard time reading the ladies in that way (and every other way) . Sometimes it seems like I'm getting the go ahead for condomless action and when I got for it I see the panic in their eyes and I chicken out . I suppose if I ever do have intercourse with a lady again I should just you know , ask her about it if I want to stop . Although no woman has ever mentioned the subject to me so maybe that wouldn't go anyway either .
I had a third reason for wearing condoms all the time too , but I forgot what it was . Probably something about sticking it to the Pope . The Catholic one , not the wrestler . Although I don't care for his views on birth control either now that I think about it .
So , to summarize
1. You can get pregnant from buttsexoring
2. I have no bucket list
3. Pope
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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